Is Lily becoming a bad girl?

i love it

next chapter, next chapter. Please. I love this story.!

freaking amazing:)

i love it:)

please please please update soonn!

xoxoxox

james is a seeker. not a chaser. sorry to be such a canon whore.

Brilliant! lol, I can't wait to see what plan does Remus have. Update!

Wow i would like kill my mother if she did that. No i would've snogged James sensless but y'know whatever floats your boat

hahaha hilarious but hurry up plz it has been a while and i really wanna see what happens next :)

what will james say when he sees lily's mum with remus? XD

xoxo

Wow! You absolutely HAVE to update soon. This was so funny. I think the part I liked most was with Sirius and the muggle studies homework. You are really a very good writer. :)

pleasepleasepleaseplease update

so...will you be updating your story soon? i want to know what james is doing with his "non-cake" cake..and what evil SCHEME is mrs. evans up to? i like your story though it is fun and entertaining! keep writing!

Hi, I'm the same person who did the con-crit review before, I thought I should log in in case you wanted to reply or anything.

You just want to make sure you don't get bogged down in details. Like in one chapter you wrote how the sun rose as it always did and as it always was likely to, well, you could have put something like 'the sun rose in a brilliance of colours,' or something like that. It would have read better, and come across a lot more professional. I think a lot of the problem is that you're trying /too/ hard to write well, and by doing that, in places it comes across rather amatur-ish. As I said before, /dont/ go for the complex words just because you can, or because you think it'll make you look like a better writer.

I don't know how well I explained this. Haha. But if you want a bit of a hand, or if you wanted me to point out where in you chapters I think you've done any of this, or, if you want me to beta for you, even, just email me! Its just that I honestly do like this whole concept, and you have the potential to make it absolutely incredible.

I think the plot is really good - it's an interesting idea, one that really works. It's just that your writing style is really, well, sterile. Very impersonal. In this chapter, for example, you wrote 'apply pressure to convey seriousness.' A much better way would have been to say 'Lily gripped his arm tightly, to show him just how serious she was,' or 'Remus could tell, from just how tight her grip was, that she was vompletely serious.'

You want to keep in mind that yeah, you can use big words, but more often than not they'll be the wrong word. You want to make sure the reader connects with the story, is drawn in, and feels like they're a part of the story.

It wasn't just that sentence that was rather impersonal, almost every other paragraph was set out in the same way. My advice would be to pick one character, and write it all from their perspective. Not like 'I didn't really think so...' but 'Sirius semed to think that it was a fantastic idea, but Lily just didn't think so...'

You also tend to go around in circles in your paragraphs, which happened because of the whole formal tone.

And I think it was a few chapters ago, when you wrote that bit about the guy who heard and saw everything, well, to be honest, I didn't really see a need for that to be in there at all. It was completely unrelated, which you even said within the story. I'd really advise you not to do things like that.

But I did like the plot, and I'm honestly not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to help you in your writing )

THIS STORY IS THE ABSOLUTE BEST LILY/JAMES FANFIC I'VE EVER READ! it's soo hilarious and like worth-while, it's freaking awesome! i can't wait for more chapters! omg! its soo amazing!

i can't get over how perfectly it seems to kinda fit with the story! with the pranks, sirius, remus, stupid peter, james and obviously lily! but really, no critique except TYPE FASTER! FIND TIME! please get another chapter up! {i need some new chapters to read!}

Yours to read your {(to take from you) insert about 516168451 and 2 adjectives ... HERE! } , haha!

ME! :D :D :) :P :) :D :O :O

good so far, but i got to go but ill definetly review better later!

Yours to read your interesting story,

ME! :) :D :P