Love this so much! :D

Aw. That was cute :)

Love it,and since it is posted not in the context of the contest, I'd love to read the original version.

I loved it

(I hate the beach too... :hide:)

bye~~

this one seems like the romance is still yet a 'small' blooming bud! :D

very subtle but also totally cute and adorable! ;)

KEEWWT! I like this pairing for some odd reason.

that was rather fluffy toward the end. I liked it.

Good description, nice work.

Beautiful. It was just all so in character. I could completely imagine it happening, and THANK YOU for writing such an uncanon ship! It's actually my fave aside from the obvious ones...

Either way, perfect!

Owo That's soo cute! I love it! _

I love Bezelnef... ~ xD

Ah, how wonderful! What an excellent, amusing story friendship blooming between two people in an unlikely place! Clever and funny, this really captured the Ouran vibe. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job very well done. :D

Wow. And I thought I was the only one who thought about this pairing...

Hm, a little correction:

"He could know look directly into the flashlight..."

Should be:

"He could NOW look directly into the flashlight..."

and

“You’re laughter gives you away, like the light of a candle.”

Should be:

"YOUR laughter..."

Most of your words have mistakes like "you're which should be your" and other similar corrections. But then I like your choice of words and the dialogues were pretty convincing. Overall it was nice.

Some structure-based critique.

-“She had a place under the third floor music room where she liked to be when the Host Club was IN session. It was a sparsely used storage room where she had ordered a rotating platform to be built for the purpose of an incredibly flashy and overdramatic entrance when she sensed her help in a situation was required in the room above- which, in her professional opinion, it always was.”

What is the chamber like? Is it dark? Flashy? If it’s neutral, describe it’s neutrality. This is a very good spot to develop the mood for your story.

Also, try saying the second sentence in one breath. If I’m not mistaken, it needs trimming.

-“He stared at her in disbelief, his blue eyes wide. Then, with a smile, Nekozawa nodded. “I understand.”

This part gives a good visual, and also has punch to it since it’s shorter than the previous paragraph. The cadence of sentences is something to pay attention to; a short sentence following a long one has punch, and there's a variety of effects to experiment with. (But you might already know about that. Don't mind me; I love to explain things even if they're already known.)

-“Don’t bet on it,” he answered sharply, restraining his fury with great source of will, glaring intently.”

My opinion—and this is just my opinion—is tone down the adverbs. (The things ending with “-ly”.) Things like “walking swiftly” might work better as “trotting” or “hurrying”. Likewise, “he answered sharply” is sharper as “he retorted” or “he snapped”.

I also think the sentence would have more punch to it if you shortened it. The reader has a little too much information to process at once.

Was any of this helpful?

So SWEET! *acts like one of those silly women* GO UMEHITO!

That's so wonderful! This is really nice. :D