Ah,ha. I see now why you made Toby more mature than the average 5 year old. But still, on the other hand..the gorwing process was all rushed in ONE chapter.

Chapter 4..Toby went from "Ew, that’s disgusting!” “Very well, Boatman. When we reach the shore I shall give you a new name, and you will have a new job in the Labyrinth, when it is once again under the rule of Jareth." In not only ONE chapter, but in a matter of paragraphs. That is too soon..too dramatic of a change. It was puzzling and rushed.

Perhaps simplify his dialog, still? Keep the main idea he had..which is enough intelligance as it is, but have him make the statement in a more juvinile fashion. Like a 5 year old..not a grown man.

Its still a wonderful story, and the twist with Toby is a creative and fun idea. Im dieing to see how it turns out . But, the growth of his character still isnt flowing smoothly.

So theres another review! Keep up the great fic )

You've made Toby way too mature and, seemingly, intelligant for a 5 year old. I have a 5 year old brother and a 6 year old niece, and neither have the mind capasity Toby is showing. Even the dialog is a bit advanced..perhaps spend some time around a child, or find a friend with a sibling of that age to help you go through and adjust it to more of a realistic era around Toby.

Other than Toby, you've done a wonderful job. Parts are nerveracking and creepy, some parts on a softer side. Im enjoying the little details you're giving this story..as though it were the movie itself . Like the boatkeep and his dialect, the Woodgoblims, and so forth. Creativity nicely accomplished :)

It was a fantastic first fanfic! lots of F's in that sentence. Hey a sequel would be good and so would and epilogue!

MD

i can't believe that was your first fanfic, that was amazing (im an avid labyrinth reader) i've read some very well written ones, and this was VERY good. i enjoyed reading it *sits and waits for epologue*

*hugs Stylus half to death* it's over! *cries* T_T I don't want it to be over! It was so good. I wanted it to last forever!

*growls* I can't believe you are only 14 ... gah! talent I envy you so much! *turns green*. I did my laby fic when I was 17 and it's crap! (course I can't spel or do grammare well, not back then and kinda still not today hehe).. this is amazing work. Don't stop writing! the more the write the better they get. Trust me I know. LOL. I can't wait for the very very very last part of this story.

I'm so keeping a eye on you for more stories _

-Melissa

Oh my gosh! It is so sad! Is there going to be a epilogue?

Oh the plot thickens :)

i love it but Jareth is back to playing dominator and Sarah doesn't need a guy like that! she needs one who will protect her but still remain independent... and I need to rememeber they are just characters *sigh*. update soon!

MD

Eek i cannot wait! it is so exciting! keep up the good work!

Exciting! I can't wait till the next chapter!

it's the end of this segment and the beginning of a new saga ( looks impressed that such big words came from her) anyway good chappy can't wait for the next one... and mine should be comming out soon...ish... _'

till later,

Desired Rose

No! it's almost over! *cries*... Wow I was sure she thought it was her father that she killed. Now now I understand that part in the start of the story. I wondered why she suddenly dragged Toby and his bed into her room like that.

I'm glad that their may be a second part, I can't wait to see how that works out. _

Grr Jareth is back to his Snob self. * chokes a stuffed plushie of Jareth*.. so mean! so perfectly in character.

Anyways. T'was a great chapter and I hope you update soon. ( well kinda.. I don't want it to end _ lol)

... *blinks*... that was the cruelest cliff hanger EVER! Jareth was absloutly perfect in the chapter. his transformation from vulnerability to King was just right. But you should be updating right now! I'm seriously devestated that you ended the chapter on that note. Oh well. Lovely as per usual and nice twist with Toby becoming like Jareth!

MD

Killed? killed? dude NOT fair! Update!

Wow.

A very intense and fascinating chanpter. I can't wait for more.