...didja HAVE to add in the part about religion?

I'm sorry, it's not really that I'm picking on your fic in particular, it's just that recently I've run into a plethora of religion-critisism-at-the-center-of-the-plot fics and gotta say it's getting old.

BUT ABOUT YOUR FIC NOW: It seemed like this was more about exposition of the shipping rather than anything relevant... oy, looking at the date i know it's been awhile. Maybe...a different approach would have worked better? Ah well, i guess uke-Virgil isn't for me. Sorry!

That was probably amongst the cutest - of few - FanFictions I have ever read.

Thanks for posting &&this is definitely amongst the highest on my Favourites!

WOW! I lOVE IT, please writie more!

not reading cause its not inuyasha but i'm sure its still good.

shweet! that was nice..U SHOULD MAKE ANOTHER! XD

...seriously.

I like the concept a lot but you need to clean up your writing. The errors you make tend to overshadow your meaning. Here's what I mean:

First, you tend to repeat the same idea in the same sentence.

i.e. "Smiling happily, the African-American sighed happily."

Alright. You make it pretty obvious that the Virgil is happy. Repeating a phrase like “… happily, … happily” causes the reader to have a sense of de-ja-vu. This, in turn, breaks up the flow of your story because it distracts the reader and forces them to focus on your structure and what they’ve just read instead of what you want them to focus on- your plot line.

On a similar note, you want to avoid over using the same descriptions in the same paragraph, especially if the description doesn’t give the reader a clear picture.

i.e. “Richie was a beautiful guy with gorgeous eyes. His glasses hid their beautiful sheen, and…”

The above sentences are okay. They get the point across to their readers with minimal to no confusion. Super job! However, you’ve miss a great opportunity to really flex your writing muscles. Beauty is subjective, not objective. This means that my idea of beauty isn’t your idea of beauty. Furthermore, our collective ideas of beauty may not reflect Virgil’s idea of beauty. Instead of relying on “cover-all” descriptions, try to delve deeper into what you think Virgil sees. You can highlight all of the things you find endearing about Richie- whether they be corporeal or a part of his personality. These descriptions don’t have to be extravagant, either. They can be small tidbits of information that help to flesh out the character. This will allow your reader to grasp the character you are describing and create a visual from your words, even if we already have a schema about what he should look like.

Also keep in mind that repeating the same descriptions over and over again tend to numb your reader to some of the more pertinent details you may want to place later on. Try picking words that fit well with what you are trying to capture instead of adjectives or verbs that are convenient. The thesaurus is your friend; don’t be afraid to use him.

Now I’m not saying that all repetition is bad and should be avoided. It is a very effective structure and can be used to help create a mood in the story. Below is an example of how your use of repetition helped your story.

“Richie was his partner in fighting crime. Richie was his best friend. Richie was his muse. Richie was his inspiration. Richie was his whole world and then some. Richie was also his secret crush.”

Your structure helps the reader follow the progression of Virgil’s thoughts as he explores all of his relationships with Richie. Very good! Snaps for you.

Second, watch out for awkward sentence structures. Confusing sentences cause readers to loose sight of what is important in the story as they struggle to understand what you are saying.

i.e. Virgil is what he was called,

Instead of going through the elaborate setup depicted above, you could have just said “Virgil sat down on the seat…” We, the readers, already have a grasp of who you are talking about so there is no point in staging a wordy introduction.

Be mindful of your grammar. This is a sure fire way to disrupt your flow.

i.e. “Richie, and him had been arguing earlier about his glasses.”

This should be, “He and Richie had been…” The words are cleaner and progress smoothly.

And finally, because this is turning into a bit of a lecture, try to keep your writing elegant. Do your best to stay away from things like author notes in the middle of stories or phrases that confuse your reader about what you mean.

i.e. “…burried his face into his friend/crush’s warm body”

By writing ‘friend/crush’ you make the sentence a fill in the blank. The reader will focus on the answer that they would choose rather than the answer that you want them to choose. In cases like this, I recommend you write the sentence with each of the options and then, based on the content of your paragraph, pick the one that fits the best. Besides, you’ve already done a fantastic job of letting the readers know how Virgil feels about Richie. There’s no need to show his duel relationship with him again.

Now, I’m not telling you all this because I enjoy it. My aim is not to discourage you from writing, but rather to give you a bit of structured criticism to help you reach your potential. Keep on writing and long live VxR.

Your story is pretty good.

This is great. Virgil has a crush on richie. way cute