Great Mummy fanfic. I enjoed it very much

whatever happened to the sequel? it was really good.

So, I'm at the end now! And it only took me several months to get there!

It looks as if you've already revised this once, but if you ever feel like revising it again, I will definitely give it another read, because I can never get tired of Gretchen. Even though this was written ages ago, it's absolutely fantastic and puts every other re-write to shame, and I've been impressed with the whole thing from start to finish.

If you ever did revise it again, though, I'd definitely recommend focusing on word choice. Like getting rid of all the epithets, fixing some of the awkward words/phrases, simplifying some of the prose, etc. And maybe add more Chamberlain, because every story could use more Chamberlain. ;)

But anyway, I loved this! It was a lot of fun to read and review, and I guess I should move on to the sequel after this, since I'm eager for more Gretchen and I'm in the mood for reviewing things. (And after that I really want to re-read ALTA. Because ALTA is the best!)

This was a nice way to end it. Like I've mentioned before, one of the main themes in this story is Gretchen's willingness to survive, and I like how this chapter focuses on that. She's literally all alone in the desert while the other characters are battling perils that she can only imagine, and the situation is so utterly -hopeless-. But Gretchen wants to survive and it's so significant here. It's like everything she's been through has been leading up to this moment and it's so satisfying to see her desperate to simply LIVE.

This chapter does a good job wrapping up some other points in the story, too. Like Gretchen's feelings towards money. I like the fact that she understands there's more to life than money, and yet she isn't ready to give up money entirely. (Because let's be realistic here. She DOES need to eat and sleep and live comfortably, after all. So I'm glad she got to keep the treasure.)

It's such a shame that Beni gets killed off, though. I feel like there's unfinished business between him and Gretchen, since she was going to marry him and then he shoots her and everything is horrible, and that never really gets resolved. But I guess there's really no way around that.

Anyway, this is an overall satisfying chapter. We've got some nice character development for Gretchen, and yet there's still plenty of room for her to develop, and I love that. I love that she doesn't turn into a better person overnight, and that she still has to work past all her flaws and come to terms with the sordid life she's been living. So fantastic.

Ugh, Ardeth.

I basically spent this entire chapter rolling my eyes at him. Of all the people who could possibly come out to help Gretchen, she gets stuck with Ardeth! This isn't really a -bad- thing, since he takes the time to help her and "respects" her and everything, but still... His rigid morals can be kind of aggravating at times.

Also, his relationship with Gretchen is extremely weird to me. Maybe it's supposed to be weird, since it's Ardeth we're dealing with here, but I simply don't get it at all. Like, he seriously wants to take a broken-down prostitute out of her brothel and take her into the desert with him? Really? What on earth is he planning to do with her?

The whole thing is so odd! But like I said, this is Ardeth, and I never, EVER understand Ardeth and the strange things he does. I just need to accept the fact that he will always baffle me.

So close to the end now. Which is exciting, but also kind of sad, since I know what happens to Beni at the end. Oh well.

Aha, there he is. I've missed you, Beni!

This chapter is spectacular. Perhaps the most spectacular out of all of them. Where do I even start?

I guess I should start with Beni wanting to marry Gretchen, because that's fascinating to me. Maybe he doesn't fully realize that if he's going to be rich, then women are going to be crawling all over him, and he can literally have any woman he wants. But he's probably not thinking that far at this point. Beni isn't really a rich man -yet-, since he still has to make it back to Cairo, and he's still so used to the idea of being unwanted. Nobody wants him and no decent woman wants to marry him, and so he's latched onto the idea of marrying the first woman who will have him, who happens to be Gretchen. So fascinating.

Gretchen agreeing to marry him provides another powerful bit of character development, because the whole agreement feels so hollow to her. I love that she's finally realizing that money doesn't necessarily buy happiness, and yet that realization isn't quite enough to make her refuse Beni's offer. She still agrees to marry him because she -still- wants money, and it's interesting how she tries to convince herself that everything will turn out okay if she marries him.

Holy crap, Beni shoots Gretchen, though! I was expecting that, since it's one thing that I remember quite vividly, but wow. He's so suspicious of other people that he's actually willing to SHOOT Gretchen to keep her from wandering off with the treasure. Even though there's a whole entire room filled with waaaay more treasure than Gretchen has. Wow. It kinda makes me wonder how things would have gone if Beni had survived and Gretchen really -did- marry him.

Almost done, though! I can hardly believe it.

Here we have another movie scene, but this one is particularly fun because of Gretchen's involvement in it. This scene basically progresses the way it does in the movie, with the rockslide and the scarab burrowing into Jonathan's arm and all that, but Gretchen binding up Jonathan's wound is definitely a nice addition.

Seriously, this is so great, and I'm totally applauding Gretchen for having the guts to go near Jonathan. Because I'm basically the most squeamish person in the universe and would probably (no, definitely) run away if somebody asked me to bind up Jonathan's wound. (Beni is absolutely brave compared to me. Seriously.) So yes, I'm really impressed with Gretchen here! Not only because she's accomplished this terrifying task, but because it's a sign of development in her character. She's actually making the effort to help somebody out, even though it's a challenge for her, and I love that Jonathan is the person who caused this bit of development.

And now they've reached the treasure room! Beni shows up soon, doesn't he? I'm pretty sure I remember Beni and Gretchen having a conversation in the treasure room. And I'm kind of impatient to get to that, so I'm moving on now!

I don't have a whole lot to say about this chapter, since it's basically all from the movie, but I do love Gretchen's take on the plane ride. The movie already gives us an idea of how uncomfortable it must be to ride on that small plane with so many people, since Jonathan seems far from thrilled with the whole thing, but Gretchen's perspective doesn't feel redundant.

In fact, I really like reading about her experience on the plane, since this scene is like... the icing on the cake as far as discomfort goes. Gretchen's already been dragged into a lot of situations against her will and seen a lot of things she would rather not see, and now she's got THIS to deal with. But riding on the plane is good for her, in a way, because it helps push her a little further away from her apathy. Like, because she's going through all these unpleasant experiences, she wants to live, and I like how her increasing desire to live is a constant subtle theme that runs throughout the background of the story.

Seriously, though, I am feeling the absence of Beni here. His banter with Gretchen needs to make a return, ASAP!

I think out of all the last few chapters I've read, this one is my favorite. And not just because it's completely free of movie scenes. That's definitely a plus, but there's something about this chapter that's really well done, though I'm not quite sure what it is.

Maybe it's the fact that a majority of this chapter takes place on a car ride. Car scenes are always really fun in movies, but they're difficult to write in a story, and this scene was pulled off amazingly well. I always delight in a good car scene!

And even though this chapter contains quite a bit of Ardeth, I think Ardeth brings up some interesting points about Meela. Like the part when he asks Gretchen why Meela has been left alive. This is particularly interesting:

["The woman is tortured by the soul of Anck-su-namun! If she does not lose her mind, she will eventually succumb to her will. It is either cruel or dangerous to keep her alive!"]

So, I have never, ever considered this before. Ever. But now I'm wondering the same thing myself. If Meela is Anck-Su-Namun reincarnated, then why hasn't somebody put her down so she can't cause any trouble? (And now I've suddenly got this image of a couple of Med-Jai trying to sneak into Meela's home so they can assassinate her, only to fail miserably because that's simply what they do. The Med-Jai are failures at everything!)

Also, I have to laugh at the fact that Gretchen knows Winston. I think this is stretching things just a -little- bit, since she already knows quite a few other characters prior to the story, but it's still amusing.

And now I've got... six? I think it's six chapters to go! I'm so excited!

Okay, I think I've finally got the whole Meela/Anck-Su-Namun/visions thing sorted out now. In the previous chapter I thought Gretchen just randomly knew that Meela is Anck-Su-Namun, but it looks like -this- is the chapter where she finds that out.

I love that the visions are finally explained. Throughout the whole story, I've been wondering why Gretchen, of all people, is having these visions, but now it makes sense. Anck-Su-Namun has been sending the visions (which is awesome) and Gretchen has been receiving them because she knows Meela. It all makes sense now! Hooray!

The idea of Anck-Su-Namun sending visions is pretty spectacular, and I like how Meela is receiving visions in a way that's similar to Evy's visions in TMR. Plus it makes Anck-Su-Namun seem like more of a tangible figure, since she's the one who's sending the visions and trying to get Meela's body, though it also makes her more sinister and tragic, like something out of a ghost story. It's chilling and I love it.

Also, it makes Gretchen's role seem a little more plausible, since it no longer feels like she's randomly having weird dreams and hearing voices just for the hell of it. But I can't believe I haven't mentioned Beni yet. He's only in this chapter for a couple of seconds, but still. BENI. I've missed him so much!

I think I'm gonna stop for today, though, and pick this back up tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. Only seven more chapters to go!

Okay, I guess Gretchen DOES know that Meela was Anck-Su-Namun in a past life, but I can't remember how she figured that out. I guess that's what happens when I stop reading this story and then pick it back up months later.

While I'm on the subject of things I'm uncertain about, I'm just a -little- bit confused by this line: "Imhotep had succeeded in killing all but one of the cursed four, and his chances of snatching Daniels were ridiculously favorable."

So, this would imply that Dr. Chamberlain has been killed by Imhotep, but I don't remember this happening or being mentioned at all. How does Gretchen know that Chamberlain is dead? Unless it WAS mentioned and I completely bypassed it for some reason.

Anyway, let me talk about the actual chapter. I love the whole "game" that Jonathan and the others play in the car, when they ask each other what they wish they had done before they died. Because lately I've been getting the urge to watch Fight Club, since I haven't seen it in years, and this chapter totally reminds me of Fight Club. And now I want to re-watch it more badly than ever. But anyway, that whole scene is awesome, because it really highlights how doomed the characters are. We obviously know that only some of the characters are doomed and that most of them make it out alive, but Jonathan and Gretchen and the others don't know this, and it only makes the whole thing seem more frantic.

Jonathan's answer is so HIM, though. Daniels is gone, Imhotep is fully regenerated, and he wants to eat a crepe before he dies. I love that! (Can't really blame him, though. Crepes are delicious!)

The other thing that stands out to me in this chapter is the commentary on the Med-Jai, voiced by Gretchen in this line:

[Gretchen blinked. "You've been guarding that place for how long, and you don't even know where this...thing to kill it is at?"]

Seriously, you would think the Med-Jai would know where the Book of Amun-Ra is located. They are so incompetent and I love that Gretchen realizes this.

This is such an interesting take on Henderson's fate! You could have bypassed this whole scene, like with Burns' death, but instead of simply hearing about what happens to Henderson, Gretchen's actually there to witness it, and it's so unexpected in a good way. Like, you would never really expect an OC in a rewrite story to hang around in a room with Daniels and Henderson right before Imhotep shows up. (But then again, most rewrite stories tend to prioritize a certain boring desert warrior over all the other characters, so there ya go.)

But anyway, this is a really great scene. It's from the movie, but it feels like a different scene altogether, since Daniels and Henderson are originally alone, but now we've got Gretchen added into the mix and it lends a completely different tone to this part of the movie. The Americans' situation is already awful and sad and everything, but it feels even worse when Gretchen is there, because Gretchen isn't really in the same boat as them. This is summed up pretty well here:

["You don't have to snap at her," Henderson muttered quietly. "She's stuck up in this mess the same as us."

His friend laughed humorlessly. "Ain't the same at all. Nobody's gonna suck her dry-turn her into a mummy."]

Also, I have to comment on how great this line is, since it's in the same paragraph as the lines I quoted above:

[Daniels clicked his tongue, his dark eyes turning to Gretchen maliciously. "How's about it, honey? You wanna suck me dry before the world goes to shit?"]

DANIELS IS THE BEST.

Also, it's really great when Gretchen kisses Henderson right before Imhotep gets to him. Like everything else in this chapter, it's completely unexpected in the most fantastic way. First of all, it's satisfying because this sort of thing never, EVER happens to Henderson, and yet it's also terrifying for Gretchen because she's finally faced with the horror of Imhotep for the first time. All the other catastrophes have happened "off-screen," so Gretchen's never really seen how horrific this situation is, but now she's right in the middle of it and I think this is a good way to introduce her to the reality of the curse. One moment she's kissing Henderson, trying to take his mind off his impending demise, and then all of the sudden he's faced with the very thing he was fearing. It's all really well done.

I just realized that I really miss Beni, though, and I can't remember if he shows up anytime soon. Guess I'll have to keep reading!

Wow, do I really have only ten chapters left? I feel like I'm making progress here!

I have mixed feelings about this chapter, though. I like how you attempted to do something interesting with an otherwise bland movie scene, but I think the disjointed quality of this chapter is a little bit -too- disjointed. Everything is kind of jumbled and confused and I get that it's supposed to be that way, since Gretchen's in the middle of having some strange visions and her mind is elsewhere while the other characters are having a discussion, but the whole thing is slightly hard to follow.

I do like the chapter, though, and I like the fact that you bypassed a majority of the movie dialogue, since the scene in the museum is mostly exposition. It was smart of you to eliminate most of the discussion held between Dr. Bey, Ardeth, and everyone else, and I'm SO intrigued by these visions Gretchen keeps having of Meela, especially when Anck-Su-Namun is starting to factor into these visions. It's great because the audience totally knows that Meela has a past life and that she's connected to Imhotep, but Gretchen doesn't know that, and it's fun watching her try to puzzle through all of this.

Not my favorite chapter, but still a good one. And now I'm off to the next one!

So, this is another great example of how a movie rewrite can be done effectively. We obviously don't need to be dragged through all the scenes of the movie, and Gretchen in particular doesn't need to be dragged through all those scenes, and her conversation with Jonathan is a great way of showing us where we're at in the movie without actually showing us Burns' dried-up corpse.

The changes in Jonathan's manner do a great job of telling the audience that something has shifted as far as Imhotep is concerned. The danger is a lot more real now, especially when Jonathan of ALL people has traded in his usual carefree manner for a more fearful one. Gretchen hasn't actually seen the mummy, but Jonathan has, and everyone (both the audience and Gretchen) knows that Burns has been "sucked dry" without being present in that scene. I feel like I'm rambling here, but this particular scene stands out to me because it's an example of presenting the movie events in a completely different way. Which is obviously what's been happening all along in this story, but I always like to point it out anyway, because it pleases me to no end.

But I haven't even really talked about Jonathan yet! And I definitely should talk about Jonathan, because he's absolutely darling in this chapter. He "fancies" Gretchen! I love it. I like to think that his concern for her is genuine, since he goes out of his way to make sure she's still alive, but I think Gretchen definitely has a right to be skeptical of his supposed "feelings." This man has been paying her for sex, after all, and it's supposedly the end of the world. Of course she's going to be cynical about the whole thing.

Still, I love the side of Jonathan that comes out when danger is in the air. People always reveal interesting sides of themselves in times of danger, and I like how Jonathan is a little more concerned with other people and more focused on serious matters, even if he IS trying to get laid in this scene. I think this sums it up pretty well:

["You don't have to be for sale all the time." His gaze slipped to the floor, and he took a breath before looking at her again. "You're a person, you know...a person. And I...I see it, even if you'd rather not."

Seriously, I love this side of Jonathan. It's all rather Moulin Rouge, in a way, and Jonathan is just the perfect person to put in this situation. And now I'm gonna hold off on the next chapter, because I really ought to have lunch already, but I'm coming back to this later. I'm determined to review every chapter! :)

Okay, it's me again. I'm furious with myself right now because I accidentally submitted my review before I was finished. Damn IPad touchscreen!

Anyway, I'm gonna continue where I left off:

So it's easy to believe that Rick "survived the same streets" as people like Beni and Gretchen, and he could have easily ended up just as greedy and selfish and horrible. But he didn't. And it's interesting that Gretchen is aware of this, and that she sees Rick as a hopeful figure. Like, not EVERYONE who lives a hard life on the streets ends up like Beni and Gretchen, and I think this is a really great observation of Rick.

And I think I was going to say more on this point, but I can't remember anymore, so I'm gonna end this here. And wow, it feels good to review this again! I'm gonna try to get this whole thing finished soon, since I'm supposed to have some time off from work for the rest of the week. Key word here is "supposed." Anyway, I'm off to the next chapter now!