Well done in making Bariten come across as complete a creep as he did in the game, and the PoV is handled very well. You may think of the narrative as long-winded and boring, but it suits his speech patterns very well. Again, good show.

Well, maybe it was because it was so long, or maybe it was because I never liked Barinten as a villain in the first place, but I didn't get far in this story. And by the way, there is no one more minor (well there are a few but they're boring) than Kletian. But I suppose at least Kletian has a fairly unique weapon (the only other one is in Deep Dungeon) and like all the Shrine Knights have Save the Queens. Enough of my babbling, personally, I thought it was a bit on the long side and about a character that I didn't really like to begin with. Sorry.

Awesome story...

Oh, I can get through this without even an urge to stab myself. No trouble with that. It's HIM I want to stab, and computer monitors are expensive. You should give yourself more credit.

Hey, that contest name is truthful, if nothing else. Sometimes I'm lulled into the belief that five, maybe ten characters exist in the game.

Hm. To be brutally honest, I like it. I'm not in love with it like I am with Nistelle's 'Delita, the King', but you did hit upon two personal loves of mine: first-person present-tense POV and something that is easily inserted into canon. It is the latter that I really appreciate the most out of anything in this story, from Barinten's meeting with the Galthana family to the latter parts of the game's Chapter 3, and it's probably your story's strongest point. However, that's not to belittle your writing style, which definitely reveals the sort of personality we're dealing with. I hear that first-person present POV is the hardest one to make work because of the duality between showing the character's personality and telling the story. I dreaded reading onward as Barinten revealed his perversions so casually, particularly in regards to Rafa, because I was affected by the combination of the words used, how he sees himself, and the true personality that was revealed with the former two. It seems that first-person POVs always read faster than third-person, something that makes the length of the story a non-issue in my case.

There are things I didn't care for. I personally felt that the title was too boring, even if it was appropriate. I'm not terribly fond of reading notes where the author disses themselves and their work before and after the story, probably because not only does it create lowered expectations-something you don't want when you're entering something in a contest-but it also leaves us in the awkward position of re-inflating your ego as well as untangling our judgment of the story with our judgment of who you are as a writer. I may be harsh when reviewing, as you said, but my main interest is the story. On a grammatical viewpoint, the following words don't need to be capitalized: ninja, chocobo, eastern when referring to the 'eastern lands' (though this might be a case of capitalizing either both or none at all), and samurai. I mean, do you capitalize 'lawyer' or 'tiger'? I'm not sure 'army', as in the Ordalian army, or any number linked to 'Grand Duke of Fovoham' should be as well. The scene breaks seem unnecessary, considering they break into the same person's continuing story as he tells it in present time. Finally, I don't believe Rafa's outfit reveals her stomach nor does it seem likely that it was Barinten who brought ninja and samurai into Ivalice, although that is a point up for debate.

All in all, not bad. Randomly, I thought the line about stab wounds being a rare form of the plague was the best one in the story. This story reinforces the fact that Barinten is a bastard who fully deserved death by fall damage, and although it doesn't give us a reason why like Algus in DK's 'Cold', it doesn't need to either. A very solid story, and a very good first attempt.

And because I feel like it, Fabul and Damcyan come from FFIV, Koga comes from the ninja sword found in the Deep Dungeon as well as the ancient ninja clan in historical Japan, and Kotetsu is a katana in a few FF games (from the top of my head: IV, V, VI and Tactics). Do I get a cookie?