To be posted 20 August 2010 on StarwarsKnights under The Critic returns and Lucasforums under the Critic’s Two Cents.

TSL on Malachor V: Binding his wounds, Visas and Brianna speak of love, and who deserves it.

It is anatomy, not atonamy Remember conversation breaks. It can get confusing when there is no break to tell the reader that someone else has interjected. One minor note on anatomy, there are two bones in the lower leg.

The piece flows very well. The frantic movement of a team making sure their injured member is taken care of well done, and the reactions of both Visas and Brianna in the penultimate scene smooth.

Was Kreia talking about Anakin in this? About the Jedi one day denying his love? Just wondering. Thanks for writing this story! God bless!

Great story! Thanks so much for writing this! God bless!

Very nice... I DO agree there aren't enough Exile/Visas pairing... Keep up the good work.

Once again, excellent chapter. Nice to see that she actually had eyes.

P.S.: I realize I was a bit opinionated and biting in my chap 2 review. Sorry about that. It's your story, you make the decisions. Update soon, this story's great.

What is Visis's hair color?...or did you leve it to the imagination?Good story to :)

Good it's just a little bit short but once again it was good.

Awesome chapter! Can't wait for the next one. Really liked the Exile/Visas scenes in here. Update soon!

HOW CAN HER EYES SHINE SHE HAS A VIEL OVER HER HEAD!

Good fic so far few missing letters but oh well still really good.

hmm...I'll have to disagree with you on the whole "there is no lightside/darkside" idea. That's the same as saying that there is no good or evil, which isn't true. KOTOR II wasn't really Star Wars (philosphy wise), and I think Kreia's "wisdom" was a boatload of crap in the end. Just because you are neutral doesn't make you wise or powerful. KOTOR II tried to turn Revan into a grey Jedi, which I hated. The whole "falling to the darkside because he had to" concept was also a rediculous idea, IMO. You might say Jolee Bindo was neutral, but I think he was very lightside, and Kreia was definitely more evil than neutral. Killing her was my favorite part of KOTOR :)

But hey, it's your fic, your call. Good job so far, keep it up.

You are weaving an interesting story so far. I am looking forward to more chapters.

Grammatically what you need to do is separate what is said. Here's an example.

“Our severed bond?”

“Don’t tell me you have never considered why you didn’t die with me?”

Vorm Brusk merely shook his head. “I haven’t really had a lot of time.”

“Still I am surprised I thought my pupils better then that.”

"You're still the same Kriea."

“Before you defeated me I severed our bond. Extremely painful might I add.” Here she raised a hand to her forehead. “But I am pleased to see that it is working. Now ask your questions quickly then I must go.”

Use this instead of this:

“Our severed bond?” “Don’t tell me you have never considered why you didn’t die with me?” Vorm Brusk merely shook his head. “I haven’t really had a lot of time.” “Still I am surprised I thought my pupils better then that.” You still the same Kriea. “Before you defeated me I severed our bond. Extremely painful might I add.” Here she raised a hand to her forehead. “But I am pleased to see that it is working. Now ask your questions quickly then I must go.”

Separating what is said by different speakers is less confusing to the reader (not to mention proper grammar).

Fix this and it will improve your story.

Still, I love your plot idea. I was somewhat put out that they didn't include and romance sub-plots in this game.

I really like the story so far, but it's kind of hard to follow at times. Basically, the only suggestion I have is to use commas, but besides that, everything's looking very good. Keep up the great work and please update soon!

good. But why would Mira teach her such things?

PLEASE UPDATE!