Um...to start off, is it just me or did you start with an old abbot and end up having an old /abbess/ die? (or is there both of them?)

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Another thing I have to say is that the story telling (the non-dialogue parts) seem a bit different then normal, but only in the first sentence where it sounds like a retelling of a story ('specially fer the accents). An' lookin' at some parts I'm getting a bit more confused...so there are both of them? (I'm reviewing as I'm reading if you're wondering.) That's different. Y'know, there seems to be a bit of coldness/harshness with the Abbott...jus' for the lying an' all. Makes him a bit interesting with such abilities that normally seem beyond the normal ones.

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Well, anyways, nice job on this chapter too.

~avlblu/acousticalferret~

ps- apologies if it takes me forever to get back to this (if I do), it has nothing to do with the quality, simply time constraints an' such.

An' now we have more mystery oin our hands, the dissapearance/destruction of the Guosim, definitely a nice addition though I have to say the beginning and the 'My dear Cornflower...' part confused me a little. Nice chapter here though.

~the (not so random) acoustical ferret~

Critiques: I didn't really list them because I read this the night before. Hmm... The Chief Otter seems uncharacteristically full of himself. Is that supposed to be different? He also doesn't seem very formal, sort of reminds me of a specist creature. He automatically doesn't like Benji. Well, I know what I'm trying to tell you, but I don't think that it's coming out right. Ah well... I just hope that you understand what I'm trying to say.

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It really seems like you just stuck Benji in there. Suddenly there's this hare that was waiting for them. How would Benji /know/ they were in the area before consulting that owl? I mean, they're supposed to be in the Abbey, right?

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Comments: I like the discription of Topaz Holt. It definitely is more unique than other Holts, but it's not so much that it could be considered better. This story really seems to be coming along nicely, too, and I'm quite interested to see what this horde you've created is going to do.

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Keep writing and I'll read!

~Kayla Silvercat

Critiques: "...and rubbed his hands..."

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Hands or paws? I suppose this is just a preference, but it's a little wierd reading 'hands' yet knowing the creatures have paws.

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"...and he along with two other men..."

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Men? What creatures? Are they hot, male mice or something?

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"May Martin Guide Her Way."

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Nothing wrong with this, I just wanted to say I like it. Very nice and simple.

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And there was nothing else that I spotted. You're getting much better at writing and definitely cleaner (I can't say the same thing for my writing).

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Comments: Very interesting. Now, at the end of the chapter you were talking about cliches. Is this grass growing thing supposed to be a cliche because it sounded like you were talking about real crops. Or was that your intention? To confuse us?

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Anyway, I liked this chapter. This story just seems to be getting better and more mysterious with each chapter. I've got to read the ending. Don't you dare leave this story to rot! Keep writing!

~Kayla Silvercat

Alright, I can finally read this chapter! Sorry about the long wait, but my computer seemed to be dying and was freezing every five minutes. It's doing much better now.

Critiques: "Martin, the macho mouse and warrior that he is, was the only one that did not shed even a tear."

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Hehee!

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"Warriors were born and trained not to show any outside emotions; that was a sign of weakness, as the teaching goes."

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Really? I thought, if used right, that emotions were the strongest weapon a warrior could have. They drive you to excel and do things beyond physical means.

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"Martin's eyes widened, expecting to say that himself."

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Is some sort of Warrior rivalry developing between Lupin and Martin?

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"The five agreed and thanked the ironically nice badger."

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Is the "ironically" part in comparison to the badger that scared them? I'm assuming it is since most badgers are nice.

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"...the path continued far on, and you could see on for a bit..."

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You have "on" in both parts of the sentence. A little repititious.

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"...they all looked in awe that a small village..." In the next sentence, "They all gasped in awe of it..."

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Again, repitition.

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"...after around 20 minutes of warfare..."

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In a story you should /really/ write the numbers out. (I'm certain you could pin the same mistake on me, too. p )

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"It was extremely dark, but they then realized they were hidden from the vermin as they heard them thumping by, running through the forest still. A candle was suddenly lit, as they saw a burrow dug into the ground..."

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It's a lid into the underground right? If that's so, then wouldn't lighting a candle suffocate them? You may send me to the gallows now for my realisticness and technicality.

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Comments: Didn't see much in the way of grammar mistakes or typos, just little technical things that I noticed. Your story is going great so far, and I love the elements you're adding to it! So, this badger, Garrin, is the one these four have to try and defeat? Evil badgers are fun... Oh, yes they are.

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Looking forward to more! I like the way this is going-keep it up!

~Kayla Silvercat

Heh, somehow the title amuses me. It may be too long for a brian Jacques title (the all powerful author). But somehow it sounds right, I really like this greenleaf character, and the concept of the story, but i feel as if your started the beginning to fast, meh, look at me, you commented about my strange grammer in Orphen.

For one: I'm an amatuer author

two: i don't proofread(which i do know)

three: i just write so people can enjoy them, thus not determined to being a fanatic writer.

You know, your reviews(even though with much critisism) inspired me to continue Orphen, my fictionpress stories can wait.

Chapter 2 & 3 critiques and comments:

"A favor for you that I will do is collect various spices along the way, for I know how much you love spices, especially since you cannot go out of Redwall because of your busy life."

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That sentence seems overly long. I know you're trying to be formal since that is the way there (or seems so), but I would shorten that.

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"...September Gold horizon."

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I suppose you randomly captilized 'Gold' or was it meant to be like that?

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"They all smiled and cheered on."

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Cheered on?

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"...in Mossflower for quite some time now, two or three seasons? They've lost count now."

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I'm not good with which POV is which, but I'm very sure you switched from 3rd to 1st. The 'now' shows that they said it /right then and there/ which is not the case since this is a past tense.

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"...hand-sown canteens..."

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Paw-sewn?

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"This looks recent, there's still some steam coming from the fire pits..." Martin said.

Then the three dashed back down the hill to put their clothes on, then ran back to Lupin and Foremole, whom were still sleeping.

They awoke the two tired beasts, and urged them to get up and see the former Guosim campsite.

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Those three sentences should be in one paragraph.

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Coments on Ch. 2: Whoa... The Guoism are gone? Dead perhaps? That's a very interesting part into the mix. Glad you could put up Chapter 3 so I won't be left hanging.

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Chap. 3 critiques: “Let me be a bit vaguer for you..."

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'Vaguer' is not a word. It would be "more vague".

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'“Yes, Mother Abbess? Oh, you look terrible! Are you feeling alright this morning?

Y'know, for some reason I really, really like your title...has an odd sort of humor in it...twisted-ish. The beginning is definitely Redwall-esque, though the second sentence was a little confusing (I still know what you meant though so maybe it's jus' me...).

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This fic kind of has a dark cloud of secrecy hanging above it, especially with elevator part (dumbwaiter - elevator, right?) an' the undead thing works in a strange way (though I wonder if it's metaphysically based or more 'realistic').

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Heh...'Redwall Expansion' sort of has a double meaning an' I kind of like the silly little 'the number of Martins in Redwall were now countless' bit, though I'd figure his name would have a bit more respect then that. Definitely ends on a mysterious note too.

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Well, overall this is a nice start, you may want to go back an' edit a bit (maybe explain the elevators workings a bit better...), but overall it's a good start with a lot of places you can go.

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Nice job.

Critiques: “My friends, as we have ad Redwall here for hundreds of seasons..."

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Typo. Ad-had.

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'...and Lupin should come along as well.'

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This sounds like a thought, but if you read the beginning of this part it's not supposed to be like that. Just a list of who's going to go...wherever they are going.

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Comments: See? Just two critiques! Very nice. I like what you've got so far, letting us know enought that we aren't /completely/ in the dark, yet still hiding some things-to keep us reading, no doubt.

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Greenleaf? That sounds like an interesting character...A warrior called on by Martin? Very interesting. I'd like to see where they go with this and just what the creatures of Mossflower will do now that nearly all the vermin have united under one creature.

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Anyway, great story so far!

~Kayla Silvercat