I just have to tell you this, I really like your story, please continue it don't leave you reader hanging I really enjoy it I want to see Carth and Morgana make up. And I am mildly interested in Brell as a character he is quite complicated. Please update this story again and don't abandon it.

Nivenus here.

I've already commented on this story previously at KFM so I'll be brief. However, after taking a second look at it here I can't help but admire how it has stood the test of time.

I know you've been busy with real life and such and I know all too well how that can intervene with writing (or vice versa!), but, if you get the chance, you should seriously think about finishing this. It's some good work, with a nice balance of action and romance. That's not easy to accomplish.

Anyhow, just thought I'd pop a thought in.

You should definitely update this. It's getting better and better!

I was absolutely thrilled to see the update! While other KOTOR stories lost me long ago? This one was great even re-reading now.

I will confess I'm slightly miffed with Morgana's insistance that Carth lied to her. He didn't lie. He was absolutely truthful. Yes, he didn't volunteer the info.

But I wonder when someone is going to tell her that Brell riled up the entire bar for the fight? And that Carth and his friends were in danger because of that? I mean, Brell knowingly created a situation that would end in violence. Carth may have punched first? But, frankly, at that point who punched first was academic :)

Granted - Morgana doesn't know any of this yet - but /dang/ it, someone needs to tell her. Because if she stays angry or asking for an apology at that point? Tsk Tsk! :)

Love the story. Can't wait for more!

Good beginning with the action sequence. Nicely described, gripping us and not letting go. Overall, I like the plotting and the things you are doing with the various relationships. This is a good story you've got going, as I'm sure you know.

The next parts are all mostly minor nitpicks, and should be taken in context of the paragraph above.

The part where Carth and Dustil are talking in the tells a few things where it could easily show them. Dustil wanting Carth's kid to be named after him is an interesting idea, but it seems weird that Carth isn't wondering "why?" I think that's worth exploring in your next chapter.

The scene at the end of this section with Julia's fighter blowing up makes a nice "war sucks" moment, but I think it needs a few lines more that brings the reader's eye back to C's perspective so that it's more personal and alive. Right now, I just felt it was a bit artificial.

I found myself curious as to why Nabat cares so much about who Morgana ends up with. There seems to be room for more plotting/interesting dynamics there.

I like Nabat's insight of why Morgana might end up back with Brell as the "person who doesn't muck up the Plan."

Going back to Carth and Dustil, it seems weird to me that the first thing they talk about is a plan, when Julia's death is there. It comes up, but the introduction of Julia feels tactical rather than gut-emotional.

Cheers, BaM

It suprised me when I saw this alert in my inbox. A very, very nice suprise. ;) Lovely chapter, and I can't wait to see when Carth and Morgana get back together!

What a nice surprise to see you back on this story! I'm so glad. It was an exciting, action-filled chapter, and you did a really nice job of keeping the action-speak clear for the reader to follow. It was easy to picture the race through the canyon. Too bad about Julia-I'll miss her.

The Brell scene did a good job moving the Morgana-forgives storyline along (because, of course, we know she does) and it was nice to see her pal pointing out that she's pulling a complete BS double-standard in her reaction to Carth and Brell fighting. This was important, I think, because the plotline could easily have spiraled into one of those fake-dilemmas that mediocre romance heroines fall into-"I'm going to continue to be mad at him in spite of all logic to the contrary. . .because." So having Morgana's friend yank her out of that (I assume) keeps your story on the level and moving forward. Brell does completely want to get in Morgana's pants, by the way, but he's also right about having to politic a grant request, and you demonstrated that really well. He comes off as an opportunistic jerk, but not a one-dimensional character.

Not much crit-the writing was fine. I was a touch disappointed that Dustil bullied Carth into naming his first born after him, because I had the idea that Dustil died tragically saving Carth's life and naming his child after him was a touching gesture to his friend's memory. And maybe we wouldn't even see the naming ceremony in this story, but that's not required-we know that Carth does it, so we just have to see WHY he does it in this story and we can fill in the rest. You've made Dustil such a three-dimensional and interesting character that I wanted the climax of that plotline to really be meaningful-the way it was done seemed kind of a throwaway and didn't have all the emotional import it could have. But there's still time for Dustil to die heroically, right? ;)

Anyway, my crit is more about what I was hoping for than any objective issue with your story. Great chapter, and I'm looking forward to seeing this one finish!

VERY well-written. You've developed each of characters realistically, and they all have distinct personalities. You really capture the emotions of all the characters well, especially Carth and Morgana.

The chapters are a good length, which is cool. You don't see that too often; usually, chapters are either too short or too long.

Props to you!

There's nothing really to criticize about this story. It's very well-written, well-planned...the kind of story that a reader would want to come back to and read over and over again.

You leave me wondering what's going on with Brell (*stabs*) and Morgana...also, where'd Renie go? o_O;

~Zen-chan

I just read this story at school and it's really going great so far.

Keep up the good work!

Overall, this chapter is a great demonstration of the numerous strengths of your story as a whole, the most important, in my opinion, being the believability of the characters. Beyond your Carth and Morgana, who seem wonderfully real and developed to me, you have an impressive cast of fully fleshed out supporting characters. Dustil and Jordo are distinct, and Julia fits in nicely. She's not part of their group, but she slips in well when she needs to, which makes the whole dynamic of the squadron mesh. My favorite of this chapter, though, was Brell. I love that you've given him a more complex personality than I was expecting. Instead of making him a flat-out jerk, you give him some admirable qualities. That's very important for a reader who wants to understand why Morgana was with him in the first place. The fact that he can understand a part of her life that Carth struggles with is so insightful, and when he defends her, the reader finds herself thinking he's not such a bad guy. Of course, then he goes and tells Morgana what he's done, which is hilarious and so in character.

As far as concrit goes, I have to agree with Bald as Malak. "Show, don't tell" is kind of a writing cliche, but it still holds true a lot of the time. Sentences like "Jordo, who hadn’t quite picked up on the fact that Carth was actually angry, laughed" slow the reader down with unnecessary explanation. Jordo laughing in and of itself makes it clear to the reader that he doesn't get that Carth is angry. Your characterization is strong enough, especially after 12 chapters, that we don't need to be explicitly told what characters are thinking and feeling. In places where the characters' actions tell us what we need to know, losing the background would really tighten things up. And in some places where all we get is background (e.g., "Shockingly, thinking about Carth hurt just as much."), an actual description of what the character is thinking and feeling would have more impact.

On a more nitpicky note, the language in this chapter felt a little uneven to me. Some of it was wonderfully descriptive and rich (e.g., "the cold anger and bitter frustration that burrowed under her skin"; "Engines didn’t lie, or beat up ex-boyfriends, or tempt her to waste her time, or tie her in knots, or make her feel like she wanted to crawl into a hole and cry for a week. "), but some other parts felt a little flat to me (e.g., "That it was true made everything ten times worse"; "she simply couldn’t bring herself to even look at it yet because it was just far too depressing."). I think I stumbled a bit over phrases like those because of the passive verbs (especially "was") and use of adverbs like "simply," "just," "too," etc., when a single word or more precise description would have conveyed the tone more fluidly. But I'm a big stickler on precision in language, so make of that what you will.

Okay, that was a lot of concrit, but I know you can take it :P (1) because you're a big girl and (2) because you know how much I love your writing. On a macrolevel, this story is sweetly endearing and absolutely plucks all the right emotional chords, which is really the important thing. Perfecting the tenor and tone of the language merely helps to refine the expression of those chords and to polish the finished product.

The nice thing about being unable to get on the Internet for a week is that when I come back I have a lot of great stories to catch up on. I was thrilled to see that your story had been updated and it was a great chapter, as always.

I have to admit that there isn't really anything about the chapter that I didn't like or that didn't really work for me. I've been looking over it trying to see if there's any constructive criticism I can give, but I'm afraid that I don't have any this time around! There are a few things that I really do like though. I like that you've kept Brell around and are still making use of his character, that he hasn't outlived his usefullness as a plot device. I've always hated it when characters show up and disappear after a short stay. I like how you show that they do have lives outside of each other, as hard as it may be to fathom. And in particular I like how you're progressing their relationship along in general. It isn't perfect, they're having their problems like any other couple would. It's interesting and plausible and that's what I like the most about it.

I, of course, am going to eagerly await the next chapter. This was a somewhat nasty cliffhanger and I have to wonder what's going to happen. We know Carth will live, but I've grown rather fond of Julia and hope she makes it out too. And then who knows what will happen with Morgana. So you're doing a great job and I can't wait to read more! Also, thanks for the comments on the tail end of the chapter. I've got more ideas for Morgana, so I'm sure she and 'Dustball' will make another appearance shortly, hehe.

I love Dustil. I love that this is the man that Carth named his kid after. It's HILARIOUS. He's cocky and such a jackass but oh so much fun. And you can bet he'd have your back if you needed it, even if you were fighting with him at the same time.

"That was because engines were simple, efficient things of beauty, far easier to understand and to plan around, unlike people. Engines didn’t lie, or beat up ex-boyfriends, or tempt her to waste her time, or tie her in knots, or make her feel like she wanted to crawl into a hole and cry for a week. Engines didn’t screw up her plans."

Ah, cliffhanger! you must update soon *puppy eyes*

El Dag Yo.

MORE MORE!

MUST HAVE MORE!

OR I SHALL GO EVEN CRAZIER!

MORE!

ah, what can i say?

all i would change is the length.

i always want more.