Ah, reading this was such an act of self-indulgence... I loved the tone if the story, from the very strong parody at the beginning, to the milder snark later on. The ending was very sweet, and I loved the whole part of them visiting Frodo, getting wasted, and making a firework. And Gandalf's cameo, of course. But my very favourite part is still the fact that you put Feanor an option among the causes of death. You, my dear, are brilliant.

Hohoho, what a happy family! Thanks for the lovely story.

AWWW WHY DID IT HAVE TO END?! Sorry for the all caps but really there should be a sequel!

This story was so epic and amazing in so many ways that I lack the words to describe it. It was utterly awesome. Thank you for writing this, you made my day so much better. If laughing lengthens the life, you've probably made me gain a couple years P

Now that was about the cruelest thing anyone could do to Haldir... and it wasn't even Sauron who did it! *shock*
This is lovely...

Haldir: you don't usually hum
Sauron: I'm not usually drunk either! LOLZ

I love this fic. Really. Your ability to work humor into it is just phenomenal, and you write these characters oh so fabulously.

Thanks for the great read! :D

Awwww. The ending was perfect. :) Usually endings don't have that wonderful sense of closure that leaves unanswered questions/scenes behind.

My only complaint is putting the review-responses at the beginning of a chapter instead of at the end. Also. last time I checked posting review-replies in the chapters is now "not allowed" with the script-fics (I hope you saved the ones they took down). However, I've come to realize they add a sort of insight into the relationship an author has with his/her reviewers. :)

*unlurks from the shadows*

Yes. I am finally reviewing. I must say firstly, that I absolutely love this story and find it highly entertaining. As for this chapter, it was amusing. I have to wonder if Haldir's siblings will ever learn just WHO is living with them.

Poor Sauron. Too bad he's too proud to just let it all go and go back to the good-side. Too funny that the kitten liked him as well!

This whole thing was such a great story! It's rare to see a Sauron fic where everyone, including Sauron, has a happy ending. You did a very good job of this.

Aawwww, I love emotional Sauron. He's so well written, it makes me feel so bad for him. I just want to hug him now.

Haha, "un-dark lordish" that's funny. But really, what did they put in his hair and how do you really get it out?

I will just say, I cracked up reading the part where Haldir and Sauron argue about "sissy elf names". My, but Sauron canbe quite the little drama queen when he wants to be.

Part Two

Minor characters – The other minor characters in the story were all interesting and did something to add to the plot and character development of the main characters. Namo was appropriately grave, and Osse was great, definitely the character shown in The Silmarillion. The whole part with Frodo was wonderful – you have his character down perfectly – and it was realistic, although sad, that you showed him still suffering the effects of the Ring. His solemn attitude and recognition, but disbelief, of Sauron were very much in character. It was a neat idea to bring Gandalf into the story, and he acts very much like he does in LOTR. The advice he gives Haldir goes along with his personality very well and reminded me of several of his conversations with Frodo in LOTR. The one thing that seemed a bit off to me was his reaction to Sauron. I would think Gandalf would be pretty angry with him, especially since he saw first hand all the terrible results of Sauron's actions, like Frodo’s suffering and the battles. I understood why some of the Maiar, like Sidhwe and Osse weren’t angry at Sauron because they never experienced his evil, but I would have expected Gandalf to give him a good tongue lashing instead of healing him.

Favorite parts:

Actually if I posted ALL of my favorite parts, I'd probably end up posting the entire story, so actually these are my really favorite parts.

- Chapter 2: 'With a rather exasperated sigh, Namo looked at him. "Do you really expect me to treat you well when you have had people eaten alive by wolves, just to name one of the many monstrosities you found fitting to bestow upon people?"

Sauron smirked, looking momentarily pleased. "I had forgotten about that," he said thoughtfully.

Namo shook his head again. "You might have, but Finrod hasn't."' – That one got a good laugh out of me. Just the beginning of many witty exchanges, and I like all the jokes the one would only get if they’d read The Silmarillion. I also loved Sauron lamenting everything he's lost, including his cat (funny!), in this chapter.

- Chapter 4: "Was your death related to Feanor, war, grief, or other?" – Another very funny, clever line for Silmarillion readers that caught me off guard and made me laugh a lot.

- Chapter 5: The whole part about "Rondae" was hilarious. Sauron would totally throw a fit if he was given a sissy, elf name. Also, Sauron being afraid of the sea was one of those great incorporations of Sauron’s character from Tolkien’s works, though it was also humorous.

- Chapter 6: Loved the part where Haldir was trying to get Sauron to thank Elhith. The mental conversation between them was great. Really, the whole mind talking idea was brilliant.

- Chapter 8: '"That was a vile thing to say," Elhith whispered into Haldir's ear. "What, was he raised by orcs or something?"

Haldir didn't reply as he considered that it had probably been Sauron who had taught the orcs such words.' – So true; he probably did. I love Haldir’s little side thoughts that give the reader great insight into his character, but are often funny at the same time.

- Chapter 10: 'And since when did you rule Arda? he thought sarcastically.

I haven't obviously. But neither have you.

Yeah, but I got close a couple times. And I have seniority, by pretty much a zillion years. Beat that! Ha!' – Just the thought of Haldir and Sauron acting like three-year-olds is really funny. I continue to be amazed, however, at the quick-wittedness and cleverness of their exchanges. These three lines were my favorite part of this argument, but the whole thing was great, especially after Haldir yells, gets the attention of the others, and blames Sauron for messing with his mind.

- Chapter 11: 'Did you hear that, Sauron? Haldir thought to himself as loudly as he could, hoping that Sauron would have no other choice but to listen. You just can't seem to get away from those darn rings of doom, can you?' – I’m laughing once again as I re-read it. Brilliant!

- Chapter 16: '"I seem to recall something about a lidless eye, and a sleepless malice, something along those lines. Or maybe I was just thinking of another Sauron."' – Loved that line and loved Sauron's reaction to being asked to grovel, too.

- Chapter 17: Hah, Sauron had to bow to Haldir (evil giggles). I may like Sauron, but it IS fun to see him get degraded. He so deserves it.

- Chapter 18: '"Huan, the dog, okay? Enough now, I'm done. That's it. Story time is over."

"I didn't think she commanded him. Are you sure?"

"Haldir, I was there you idiot! He only released me at her word."' – The Lay of Leithian is my favorite Tolkien poem! It was very humorous to think of Sauron talking about it. These three lines were my favorite part of the conversation – it's funny that Haldir would keep arguing when Sauron was there.

- Chapter 20: 'Sauron held his hands out in front of himself and frowned. "I miss my ring."

With no other choice but to allow himself to act upon the impulse, Haldir rolled his eyes. "Get over it! For crying out loud, it's gone! It was just a piece of enhanced jewelry anyways."

"Yeah, enhanced with my spirit!" Sauron cried, smacking his hands down on the table to stress the point.' – Sauron lamenting the loss of the Ring; very amusing, but in character in a weird sort of way!

- Chapter 22: I think the incongruities are some of the funniest things about this story. The thought of Sauron trying to cook is so absurd that it's hilarious.

- Chapter 23: Haldir's not the only one who finds the story of Sauron blowing up Yavanna's garden with a firework funny.

- Chapter 25: Sauron being slapped by Uinen was great. Oh, it would be embarrassing to have had a crush on the Maia who became the Dark Lord. And the part where Sauron was seducing Osse was one of the best parts that showed Sauron’s evil (rather than simply annoying) side.

- Chapter 27: '"I thought elves were supposed to be good with words."

Haldir smiled. "And I thought that dark lords weren't supposed to squeal at clothes."

Sauron shut his mouth.

Stretching his arms back, Haldir continued to grin. "The things you set yourself up for."' – Sauron does seem talented at setting himself up – to very humorous effects. : )

- Chapter 28: Really, this whole chapter was a favorite. Loved the part where Haldir's family was talking about the Ring and Frodo, oblivious to the fact that they're doing it in front of Sauron. Also, I enjoy how Haldir interacts with his siblings, particularly Rumil and Orophin. (Laughs almost as loud as Sauron at the thought of Haldir’s “new” hair)

- Chapter 30: "For a moment Haldir couldn't understand why his stomach suddenly felt like it had knotted or why a sense of dread had fallen upon him, his ears prickling. And then it suddenly occurred to him that Sauron was speaking in another language.

It didn't take much thought to figure which one he would be speaking in that would have such an effect." – I like how you slip in Sauron's quirks, like having his own language and his craftsman skills. It nicely balances out his un-Sauron-ish moments, such as talking back like a three-year-old at Haldir constantly.

- Chapter 32: "You're so full of yourself, it's surprising that you don't just spontaneously explode." – Hahaha, I am so going to start using that one in my day-to-day life. An absolutely brilliant line, mellon. Also, I enjoyed the kissing scene – only Sauron would think about killing people while he's kissing, and, he's right, it is a little disturbing that he isn't completely disgusted by it.

- Chapter 34: I loved this chapter, may have been my favorite one. What a brilliant idea to have Sauron and Frodo meet! I liked how you had it play out, although I wonder what would have happened if Frodo had been flat out told he was Sauron. This was a really lovely chapter, especially when Sauron has the private conversation with Frodo and wants to comfort him. I think somebody is going soft!

- Chapter 35: Ha, Sauron blushing, yet another one of those great incongruity moments. I think Haldir is getting better at turning Sauron's ploys back at him. It's nice to see Haldir getting some revenge for once. Although I wonder who the mysterious redhead in Sauron's past was...

- Chapter 37: Seeing a drunk Haldir and Sauron was, um, interesting. The visit to Gandalf’s was a nice plot twist as well, and I liked Haldir’s conversation with Gandalf about being friends with Sauron.

- Chapter 39: 'Against all hopes, Haldir felt himself flush. "My…" His throat was suddenly dry. "My sister had been in a relationship with him."

"Sauron!" Eonwe exclaimed, before hastily shutting his mouth and trying to look as though he hadn't spoken.' - I loved Eonwe's reaction; another one of those great incongruities with a Maia acting in a rather un-Maia-ish fashion. I would have liked to see more of Eonwe throughout the story, as I like how you've portrayed him as rather sarcastic in the few bits he's in.

'Sauron shook his head. "Oh, if Morgoth saw me now…" he muttered with a rather dejected expression. "I've gone so soft."

"Not soft, noble," Haldir said with a laugh.

Sauron made a face. "Noble is just a word you people use to make yourselves feel better about being soft."' – Oh, I so hoped Sauron would come around to the good side, although it's nice to know he won't lose any of his annoyingness, sarcasm, or wit, permanently settled for annoying rather than evil as you so wonderfully put it.

- Chapter 40: What, Sauron has a philosophical tone? Hmmmm

'It had not been very long before Sauron broke the silence. "I see the ship."

"No you don't," Haldir said, even as he searched the horizon. "Where?"' - Oh Haldir, how I will miss him, although this sounds like something my younger siblings would say.

And at last, a very sweet ending, but it still had the mischief and wit present during the rest of the story. Fantastic end to a fantastic story. Keep on writing!

-Sauron Gorthaur

WOW! Um, Wow, this is an epic piece of work, mellon nin, in length, but also in content. This very well may be the best fanfiction I have yet read. I enjoyed every minute of it and could have kept on reading it for another age. It was a fantastic story that had me laughing the whole way through, literally. You are a talented writer, and more than that, a talented writer of humor, which I have great respect for. My poor attempt at a review cannot fully describe how much I loved this, but I will do my best to give you my thoughts.

Plot:

First of all, I’ve got to say, this is one of the most unique stories I have ever read. I have read several post-LOTR what-happened-to-Sauron fics, but this is by far the most original, funny, and well done. The idea is simply brilliant. You obviously took a lot of time with this story, because that hard work shows. I loved that it was not rushed at all; you took lots of time to tell your story, to develop the plot and characters. The twists and turns throughout the story, from Haldir and Sauron beating Elhith over the head with a rolling pin to Sauron visiting Frodo, were absolutely brilliant, things I would have never been able to come up with. No part of the story dragged; you always had something unexpected and amusing to spring on me.

Style:

As I said, you are a great, funny writer, who clearly knows an insane amount about Tolkien’s works. You have a style that is simple and easy to read, but ranges from beautiful (your descriptions of Valinor, Valmar, Osse’s home, etc.) to absurdly funny. You have great variety in sentence structure and a style that doesn’t ever get boring or repetitive. It’s fun to read. You do a perfect job at mixing description, passages of character thought, action, and dialogue, all of which you excel at. As I said, your descriptions are excellent, your character thought passages are in well chosen places and reveal lots about the characters, your action is well-written, and your dialogue flows naturally and is always witty. You do a great job with the writer’s rule “show, don’t tell” as you throw the reader into the story at the beginning and don’t slow down and let the story drag by trying to explain what is always happening like many writers do. I wish I had some constructive criticism to offer, but I think you have the art of writing down pretty firmly.

Humor:

I can’t write humor to save my life, so I am always delighted to find someone who not only writes it, but writes it well. You don’t write it well; you write it brilliantly! I thank you for all the laughs this story brought out of me. Of the six or seven types of humor that exist, this story shows three, and all are done wonderfully. You have enough of the first, slapstick, to be funny, but you don’t go overboard with it until it gets old. The few moments of it (Uinen slapping Sauron, the hairbrush section, and Rumil and Orophin’s escapades) are in well chosen places. The second, wordplay, you sprinkle liberally throughout the whole thing. I think this is one of the hardest aspects of humor to get right – if you’re not good at it, it shows more clearly than some other aspects – but when it’s done right, as it is here, it can be one of the most amusing and clever parts of comedy. The quick, witty exchanges between Haldir and Sauron are wonderful and almost always succeeded in bringing a laugh from me. As you will see from my favorite parts below, most of my favorite parts have to do with the cleverness of the remarks and retorts in their arguments. The third, incongruity, is another type of humor that you use a lot, but write so well that it doesn’t get old. The incongruity of seeing characters act in a way or get into situations that don’t match their personality is really funny. Haldir and Sauron acting like arguing children, Sauron doing ridiculously un-Dark Lord-ish things like squealing at cloths and being sea sick, and a dignified elf like Haldir making eyes at an elf lady and getting drunk are all great incongruities that I would never have come up with in a thousand years. And to balance off the humorous characters, I like how you have retained some graveness with characters like Namo and Gandalf. It just makes the humor stand out all the more. You also made a great, humorous choice to have the characters speaking in the vernacular, which is always an amusing touch in a story based on a book with such lofty language.

Characterization:

Since this story is as long as many books, you had plenty of time to show character development, and you took that time, showing gradual change in your main characters through the course of the story. Also, since most of your characters are either extremely minor characters in Tolkien’s books, are OCs, or are characters we don’t get to know very personally, you were able to develop your own personalities and character traits for them, which you took full advantage of. Your characters have as much depth and go through as much change (or more) than many published novels. You have done a fantastic job with the gradual change in Haldir’s and Sauron’s characters, going from hating each other to being friends, each episode in the story showing a little more of the change and their personalities.

Haldir – one of Tolkien’s minor characters that you were able to develop a consistent, interesting personality for. You did a great job with him, creating a character who was intriguing, deep, and humorous. It was great how he had his elven qualities, but those things, like always fussing about his hair and looks, are what made him really funny. His tendency to always argue back was maintained through the whole story to very humorous effects. It was a nice touch that he’s the only one impervious to Sauron’s seductive voice, but because of his stubborn, argumentative nature and somewhat “dark” tendencies, like wanting revenge, he is able to relate to Sauron. He has realistic emotions and reactions – all your characters do. His initial hatred and disgust of Sauron, his protectiveness towards Lalaith, his fury at Rumil and Orophin’s various activities, and his confusion at discovering he’s friends with Sauron all make him a three dimensional character who was interesting and fun to read about.

Sauron – As you can probably tell from my pen name, Sauron is my favorite character, and I was not in the least disappointed by him in this story. You did an epic job of portraying the many facets of such a complicated character. Although you have added a lot to his personality for the purpose of humor and characterization, you still show him as the character in Tolkien’s books. I loved how you incorporated all his different stories, talents, and traits into your story while adding new things, like his disregard for personal appearance, his interest in reading, and his emotional side, which is sadly something we don’t get at all in Tolkien’s books. I loved how you showed him sometimes as an annoying, rather immature character falling off boats, chaining people to tables, and constantly making fun of Haldir, but you never let Haldir or the reader really forget his ancient, evil side in parts like his seduction of Lalaith, finding out about Frodo, or his visit to Osse’s. The change in his character was so gradual that, like Haldir, I almost didn’t notice it, and the Sauron at the story’s end, although gone noble (or soft) was definitely still Sauron. I liked that you showed him as someone with a full range of emotions, even being able to get his feelings hurt and pitying those he has wounded, and his conflicting emotions concerning his treatment of Frodo was one of the most realistically written and touching parts of the whole story. You took a fascinating character and made him absolutely enthralling.

Elhith – Part of writing great humor is having more serious characters to balance the funnier ones out. Although Elhith does have some amusing qualities, like his unfailingly cheerful nature, he does a good job at bringing some order to the chaos inflicted by Haldir and Sauron. He is an excellent OC, who you clearly took time to develop and create. His light-heartedness, healing skills, and often innocent, peaceful nature make him elven, but in a different way from Haldir, which makes it interesting to see those two interact. He brings maturity to the story when Haldir and Sauron act like little children, and it was a nice touch that he’s really the first one to realize that Haldir and Sauron are becoming friends when he comments on the fact that they worked together to attack him.

Haldir’s family – Bringing Haldir’s family into the story was a brilliant plot idea. Rumil and Orophin brought just the right amount of slapstick humor into the story, but they also did a good job of bringing out Haldir’s darker side and making an excellent parallel between how Haldir treats them and how he treats Sauron. Lalaith also brought a nice feminine touch to a story otherwise dominated by males, and she was another well written, interesting OC. Her relationship with Sauron was one of my favorite parts, because I think it was one of the deepest and most telling parts for all the characters involved, and her anguish at Sauron’s betrayal was really heart-breaking and realistic. I hope she was able to reconcile with Sauron afterwards since the story didn’t show them interacting again after she found out who he was.