I'm a little confuzzled, but it's great writing

Moosey

nice story plz continue it ;) add more its great!

This is really good. Can not wait for chapter 2. Keep up the good work. UPDATE SOON!

omg esa,you did a really good job on this story!.You dont'need to improve your writing its great,(alot better than mine!)Anyway,i love dis story so please dont' send my boy to jail(just kiddin).Email me or im me email address is if ya want to email me,well i will see ya latta bye

foxxyyboxxer

I'm really pissed you killed Letty off. I mean sure it happens in handfuls of fan fictions in here but with the Hanna character I think your taking it a wee far. Letty is hardly even cold in her grave and Dom sees this girl for the first time in 10 years and he all of a sudden falls in love with her all over again? Letty has been his g/f for how long? Does he not have a soul? And I second the idea of getting more in depth with the characters background. We need to feel like we know these OC's to understand the story. Sorry if you feel like this is a flame. It's not. It's more of a ventalation of my anger towards the character pairings.

Unless this is an AU, all the stuff about Brian is trash. Brian had nothing to do with the truckers arming themselves. When he did locate them during the last and really screwed up highjacking, he didn't call for other cops, he helped. If he hadn't of risked his life, Vince would have been dead - bled out - instead of just having a bad arm. Brian was the one to go after Jesse's killers first and the one who downed Tran. Last, Brian was the one who handed Dom the keys to the car that he escaped to Mexico in instead of busting him. Trusting Brian was probably the only smart move Dom made.

I also have a problem with Dom breaking down the way you have him doing. He is much more the type to break something than to breakdown.

Now, the rest of it isn't a bad plot beginning but you take it much too fast. Your OCs need to be developed a lot more, given a lot more background and personality. Their relationships with the known characters have to be given some depth. Without this they and what happens to them just doesn't mean anything to the reader. doesn't create any emotional reaction.

Your discription of the landscape in the very first paragraph is really good - it give a clear picture to the reader and an atmosphere to the place. Do that with your people. Fill out their physical discriptions and then give them conversations to let their thoughts be known as well as the character whose POV you are using. Maybe switch POV sometimes to let us see what other characters are experiencing as well as the main one. The OCs are just names to the reader until you make them real people.