1. “'So are we going out tonight?' Sally asked [everyone as] they walked out of the school a few days later.”

I would separate the whole “few days later” thing in its own sentence. As in: “…they walked out of school. It had now been a few days since they had sent the vampire version of Watch back to his dimension.”

2. “'Thank [you,] Sally.' Cindy glared at her.”

3. “‘How [‘bout] it guys? Cathouse? I have nothing better to do.’ Adam said.”

4. “‘You know, I have that History exam too…” Cindy said, [worriedly.] “I [really] should prepare more.’”

For future reference, I’d avoid the use of words like “probably,” “almost,” “maybe,” or anything that only suggests something might have happened. In some cases it’s required, but the usage of these words makes the reader question what actually happened. In this situation essays and stories are a like in that the writer/narrator has to sound confident.

5. “Star shrugged. ‘I've done all my homework. I've got a free night…Watch?’ [she] asked him. Watch had been staring into space, [not paying] full attention to the [conversation. Even] when he spoke he didn’t seem to be really paying attention. He still had one fading black eye, and a few cuts on his face and neck that they could see. He had done his best to cover them, but couldn’t cover them all. And even he couldn’t hide the pain in his eyes when ever he had to move his upper [body.]”

It doesn’t make a lot of sense to say someone isn’t paying attention to what’s happening when they’re responding. It would be better to say he responded disinterestedly or distractedly, et cetera.

6. “‘Oh come on, [Watch,]’ Sally said bracingly.”

I like that word “bracingly.” Never heard it before.

7. “Bryce's reference to his and Star's relationship he decided to ignore. ‘OK, yeah, that’s true enough.’ He sighed.”

You say he ignored the comment and then he responds to it.

8. “‘I was just so evil, slutty, soulless…leather.’ he paused again, a weird smile on his lips.”

Do you mean: “so evil - slutty, soulless…leather.” or “evil, slutty, soulless…leather,” omitting the “so.”

9. “Adam and Bryce snorted with laughter.”

You just used “snorted” to describe Bryce’s last reaction, so you should change one or the other. The first use of “snorted” can easily be changed to “scoffed.”

10. “Watch leaned over and punched him on the shoulder hard. Bryce punched him back in a flash, remembering exactly where he was cut and careful to avoid them.”

This is another instance of the having to explain something, but explaining it disrupts the flow. You should condense the explanation in this case, as in: “Bryce punched him back in a flash, purposely avoiding any wounds,” or even “Bryce punched him back in a flash, on his right shoulder where the vampire had failed to injure him.” I think it’s the “and” in the short explanation that’s the culprit of the disrupted flow.

11. “Watch said, not giving Bryce the satisfaction of rubbing the spot on his arm which was actually - to [Mr.] Bond's credit - starting to sting.”

I like how you refer to Bryce as Mr. Bond.

Okay, so now for my overall opinion. I hope I haven’t offended you or am about to in my criticisms. I notice how your writing improves as the story goes along which is good (and impressive). Most of your mistakes were incredibly minor – missing periods, or words or misspelled words – but I think some of them could have been corrected if you had read over your work a few more times. As for all the other mistakes, they’re hard to identify so I don’t blame you. The important thing to do is to practice and learn.

Your most recurring mistake is repeating names. The whole “Vampire Watch” is the most evident, but it does happen elsewhere. Other than the Watch and evil Watch scene, pronouns could have been used more. As for that scene, like I said before, coming up with various ways of referring to the vampire Watch are important.

There were also issues with Star. I felt like there were a few times in which she was lifted above everyone else. I’m glad she isn’t subjected to sexism, which I felt was present in the series. Not to put Pike down or anything, but I do think the guys protected the girls an awful lot. But I mean, this is apparent in real life, so whatever (but it still irked me). Anyway, her and Watch both are made to be more important than the others and I know this story was in the format of a Buffy/Angel episode and in certain episodes certain characters are concentrated on, but I think you should be careful with characters you like best. Easier said than done, I know, because I fight the urge to concentrate on Bryce and Watch who I find to be the most interesting personalities (Well, I kinda am concentrating on Watch, but I’m going somewhere with it).

In some instances you could have explained things further, which I believe is the hardest thing in the world, but it’s easier when not looking at your own writing. I am so bad for this. Really, extremely bad and I do it in essays all the time which pisses my T.A.s off. Describing things in stories is difficult, although easier to identify, but knowing when to explain yourself more is annoying because some things, to the writer, are evident and shouldn’t need explaining. Or, you’ve gone through a scene so many times that you just forget to write something down. I don’t really have a solution for you, other than reviewing your work a lot of times. Even then things can escape, but it’ll help a little.

Please don’t get too frustrated with my advice or trying to implement anything I suggest bang-off in a new story. There are so many literary and grammatical rules to remember and then there’s the impact of formatting and the fact that in some cases broken rules are more impactful, et cetera. So there’s no need for anyone to feel overwhelmed or anything of that sort.

Anyway, I’m being negative, but your story doesn’t suck or anything. It’s good and you did an impressive job of applying Spooksville to Buffy and Angel. You have some descriptions and details that are really impactful and you say some pretty clever things. I really hope you write another story in the Spooksville, or happen to write one in another thingy (whatever it’s called) I know.

1. “Watch moved his head slightly so it was facing the cage. Bum left him and went to the cage.”

Awkwardly worded. For my History of Science and Technology tutorial, my T.A. brought up a really good rule that I had never really thought of: never use a word more than twice in a sentence. Obviously this doesn’t include “and,” or “the,” et cetera, but this rule does help with awkward sentences. I think this can be extended though because the repetition of words in stories is more apparent than in essays. Ending both sentences with “cage” makes this opening paragraph awkward. You could combine the two sentences, like: “Watch moved his head slightly so that he could see the cage and Bum left his side to go deal with the captive.” Or something or other.

2. “‘Now listen to me,” Bum said in a strict voice. ‘We will let you out. We are going to perform a spell to send you back to where you came from, but only if you calm down. If you don’t then we’ll kill you in that cage. And don’t think we’ll hesitate.’”

I think Watch should at least tell them that his double wants to go back his world. The gang would not know this and wouldn’t be stupid enough to let a vampire out without knowing that, especially after he tortured Watch.

3. “Before the others could stop him he had crossed the room and limped to the cage.”

It would more appropriate to say that the gang were worried, but didn’t stop him because Watch couldn’t have crossed the room before they could stop him in this situation.

4. “You’ll be dead before the arrow leaves the bow.”

Ohh, I know this one! One of the times Angel is evil and Cordelia had the crossbow. Great episode.

5. “Are we sure we [want] to let him out?”

6. “[He] slowly reached his hand inside the cage and held it out as if offering a handshake.”

7. “He stood there for a few seconds and every living person in the room held their breath.”

I don’t think it’s necessary to say “every living person,” the sentence flows better without that.

8. “She was the only one who truly understood the pain of it all.”

This is a very dangerous statement because it dismisses everything the gang has gone through. Star may have been through a lot, but it’s very condescending to say that she knows a lot more than anyone else. Do you explain how she knows both side?

9. “The Vampire was stiff, and Watch tensed immediately, but then the Vampire smiled again and relaxed.”

It’s not that this sentence is wrong, but I think it could be worded better. Like: “The vampire stiffened at the human contact, and it was clear that Watch tensed at his girlfriend’s contact with the vampire, but nothing happened; the evil Watch just smiled.” Just a suggestion.

10. Heh heh. I like how evil Watch’s attachment to his home led to his doom and not his evilness.

1. “They asked around and found out that [he] had been talking to some girl outside the club and they had left together.”

2. “‘But that will take another hour to get there and back to the library.’ Sally said. ‘By that time Watch could be dead. Or worse.’

There was a few moments silence.

‘It’s our only choice.’ Adam said finally.

This is some good formatting – it is lost on way too many people, so kudos! The separation of the middle line from Adam’s dialogue has a good impact. I also like how you use a period instead of comma in the last line because I think Adam’s feelings can be inferred from it. I imagine he said “It’s our only choice,” almost absently and given the Spooksville books, that detachment is probably a result of him feeling guilty for not catching on to the danger Watch could be in. Yeah, it’s a little sad how I read into things like that.

3. ““Do you believe in fate, Watch?” he whispered. “I don’t. After all, I must have done something different from you…[and] other than the fact that I’m a Vampire…there’s nothing different here.”

4. “he groaned. ‘No serious damage. Looks worse [than] it is. I promise.’”

5. “I'm so sorry I let this happen,” Star was mumbling. “We should never have left you alone with this maniac [loser]”

6. “’Now’s not the time for this,’ Bum said, although he seemed to be saying it against his own will.”

I think it would be better if you were explain how Bum looked rather than make the observation that he looked like he might be thinking something. I found myself trying to figure out how to picture Bum, which disrupted the flow of the story.

7. “No one could have looked him in the eye anyway even if he had been trying to make eye contact. They had known so little about Watch’s past. Now they each felt they knew too much.”

The first sentence is irrelevant because you’ve already established that he was staring off into space, deep in his thoughts. It would only be useful if someone tried to make eye contact.

The rest of the paragraph is confusing because the gang wouldn’t be able to discern that this was about Watch’s past. Watch wouldn’t explain it and obviously couldn’t at this time – all they know is that Watch’s vampire twin tortured him, which he could have done for a whole lot of reasons. It might be difficult, but I think it’s entirely possible that you could find out some way that the gang does find out. Perhaps something the vampire says to Anya? Although you might want to be careful because you’ve established that the two Watches are very similar, so if one isn’t much of a talker, I don’t see how the other would be.

8. “Star held his hand and only had eyes for him while the others shifted uncomfortable, most looking at the sleeping Vampire rather than their injured friend.”

You should explain that it isn’t because the gang doesn’t care about Watch, they’re just pained to see him that way or something, because as is, it seems like Star is the only that cares. If in this new universe the gang isn’t that close, you might want to explain that at the beginning of the story, although I doubt that is the case.

Oh, and a couple more things:

I realized as I was falling asleep yesterday, after I had written that review, that you had meant two separate pairs of eyes: one green, one red. I feel like an idiot now, going into that whole spiel about Indo-European mythology, but now you know and knowledge is power, right? Lol. You may want to clarify that his eyes changed colours right then. Or just be like, “green eyes, and [then] red…” I don’t know why that little thing was so difficult for me, lol.

And, just following that, I like how the vampire’s breath was so cold that Watch felt it for so long. It’s very reminiscent of those damn Cryo People. I felt so bad for Watch then :(

Legend: Brackets indicate the insertion of a word or period.

1. “Look, [we’re] stabbing in the dark here,” Adam said, standing up.

2. “And before he hurts anyone.” He added [quietly.]

3. “The ones on Vampires and demons, the supernatural stuff.”

I think it might be unnecessary to describe the books in this manner – it doesn’t make the atmosphere more suspenseful, it makes it seem like the books will play a big part in the plot.

4. Heh heh, definitely noticing the Angel references. Evil Angel is fun, but I think evil Faith might be cooler.

5. “The Vampire Watch smirked and made a move towards Watch, grabbing him again and kneeing him in the stomach. The Vampire was just [too] fast for Watch – he couldn’t do anything to defend himself. As he doubled over from the pain in his stomach, he was at the mercy of the Vampire again.”

There are a number of things in this paragraph. The first paragraph would flow better as: “Smirking, the vampire Watch made a move towards his double, grabbing him again and kneeing him in the stomach.” By replacing “smirked” with “smirking,” the sentence flows better. “-ed” words are past tense, but present tense words are more engaging with the audience. Obviously past tense is needed, but in this case, an action scene, engaging your audience is important.

The whole finding alternate ways to refer to someone is r.e.a.l.l.y. annoying, especially in scenes with doubles, or people of the same sex, so just be careful not to repeat the same reference too much for the vampire Watch. Also, “Vampire” should not be capitalized unless at the beginning of a sentence - “Vampire Watch” indicates a name.

In the last sentence, “in this stomach” is redundant because you’ve already established Watch was hit in the stomach.

6. “When the Vampire had a hold of him again…”

The evil Watch already got a hold of Watch again in one of the above paragraphs, so it would be better to say “yet again,” or something like that. It may even be best to overhaul the sentence entirely so that you don’t have to use “had a hold” another time.

7. “He tied Watch’s hands behind his back with a ropes which he brought out of the [leather jacket’s pocket] and then grabbed [him] by the arm and dragged him up to look him in the eyes.”

You might want to make it clear that Watch was on the ground and the evil doppelganger lifted him form there to see him eye-to-eye. It’s alittle confusing – the audience might get the idea that for some reason Watch is shorter than the vampire Watch. I’m not going to get into the philosophy behind alternate dimensions or recall any Sliders episodes (although it was an awesome show and everyone should see it), but I know that it’s not the case that one is shorter than the other – this is just a matter of the flow of the story. You don’t want your readers to suddenly stop reading because they got tripped up on something unless it contributes to the tone/atmosphere of your story.

8. “The two identical faces stared at each other, one wearing glasses, one whiter than snow, one full of hate, the other smiling evilly. Two pairs of blazing green eyes.”

I really like this. Although I’m not sure if a semi-colon is more appropriate in between “one whiter than snow, one full of hate.” I don’t think it matters too much because I read it fine. I’m just obsessed with the effect of grammar on a story, especially commas, colons, semi-colons and dashes.

9. “He pushed Watch backwards, and since Watch’s arms were behind his back he couldn’t soften his fall and he fell on his back hard, painfully.”

I run into this problem all the time myself: how to explain something that matters for continuity purposes, but the audience may not recall. I find that “since…” disrupts the flow of the story because this problem usually arises in times of action where short, choppy, action-filled sentences are required, and reflections and anything other than action should be kept to an absolute minimum or not be included at all. It’s just a matter of inferring or referring to the information that’s required to be known, although easier said than done. I think “He pushed Watch backwards, who fell, crushing his tied hands,” is better worded and keeps with the whole action scene thing. By writing that Watch crushes his hands, it is unnecessary to include that he fell hard or that it was painful, because everyone’s experienced the pain of crushing their hands, which is highly memorable.

10. Hehe, it’s a twisty, turny version of when Faith tortures Wesley, but you recall Wesley’s issues with his father. I really like that, although I don’t know how Wesley ever put up with his father. I remember when he called home to tell his parents about his promotion and his father just put him down. I really hate that guy. Anyway…

11. “’No!’ Watch snapped. ‘We are nothing alike.’ Watch said, his voice becoming angry. ‘I know, because I have worked my whole life not to become like you.’

Vampire Watch laughed. ‘You spent your whole life not becoming a Vampire?’

Watch shook his head, never breaking eye contact. ‘No. I spent my whole life not becoming my parents.’”

I like this. A lot. /claps/

12. “red and green eyes”

Why did you choose this description? Do you have a background in mythology, or is this from Buffy? Loki, the Trickster god from Norse Mythology (thought to actually be the evil side of Odin, the “All father”) had a green eye and a red one, which are old shaman (pagan priest) colours. The green eye is thought to stand for envy and I can only assume that the red represents rage because Loki both hated and envied the other gods in the Norse pantheon. If Joss Whedon used this reference, I didn’t see that episode either :( Note to self: rent Buffy season 1 on Thursday and work my way from there.

13. “He walked a little bit away from Watch and took off his leather jacket and dropped it to the floor. He chuckled to himself as he [returned] to Watch.”

“Returned” replaces “approached” in the above sentence because the evil Watch is coming back, not just walking up to Watch for the first time. The first sentence has too many past tense verbs.

14. “…and god knows [how] many adults.”

15. “‘Dear old mum, [of] course,’ he continued breezily. ‘She left [her] to me.”

16. “‘Mainly cos I killed and ate her.’ He looked back at Watch and chuckled.”

Actually, he would have ate her then killed her. I think Angel mentions something about bad digestion if the blood isn’t flowing. Wait, it might not have been Angel… I don’t know, although I’m pretty sure it was him. Yeah, I’m being nit-picky, sorry.

17. “A [maniacal] grin spread on the Vampire’s face and he suddenly sounded giddy.”

18. “Slowly he approached the wall again, now with a long piece of glass in his right hand.”

Should be that he approached Watch again, because it can be confusing. Evil Watch goes to the wall to look at pictures and then returns to the wall.

19. “He ripped open the shirt more so that it was hanging on Watch’s arms, but it couldn’t go any further because his arms were attached to the wall somehow.”

I think that everything after the comma is redundant. If it’s important later, I think it would be better to mention when the time comes.

20. “nightmarish green orbs.”

Awesome description.

21. “The Vampire drew his face back slightly. Suddenly he was all [business.] “I want back to my world. How do I get there?”

22. “Watch said nothing, staring into the Vampire’s green eyes. His own green eyes. He was suddenly filled a sorrow so great he almost felt tears tingle in his eyes.”

There are too usages of “eyes” here. “Staring into the vampire’s green eyes,” is probably unnecessary because it is already well-established that they share the same eyes. Also, I think it is safe to say that even Watch, no matter what dimension, would probably at least have tears well up.

23. “He threw himself away from the wall and Watch’s body and went to the far end of the large room, where Watch couldn’t see him.”

I’m having trouble picturing him throwing himself. Is there a better description of what you mean?

24. “A rushing noise like a waterfall filled his ears…”

Not that it’s necessary to change this, but for future reference you could always leave out the “like” and say something like: “Waterfalls were rushing past his ears.” Okay, could be better, but the point is weird comments like this can be made where the audience is expected to infer what’s happening literally.

25. “When [the evil Watch] came back he had something in his hands.”

Question: does the U.K. use ‘s’ instead of ‘z’ in such things as ‘realized?’ I was thinking about that after I corrected you on one of the other chapters…

1. Hehe. Bum taking Giles’ role.

2. No offense, but it seems that Star is overshadowing everyone. Yeah, she’s his girlfriend, but Watch’s friendships with the gang run deep too…

3. “Upon seeing their faces, and sensing their held breath he raised his eyebrows. ‘Who died?’ he asked jokingly.

They continued staring at him, looks of disbelief on their faces.

Watch suddenly looked serious, as if he just realized where they lived. ‘Oh God, who died?’”

I know it’s supposed to be a serious moment, but I laughed. You’re very witty. (oh, and there’s a ‘z’ in realized)

You know, it just occurred to me that the dialogue sounded like something out of Buffy – how did I not realize that? Especially with your disclaimer at the beginning…

Anyway, where’s chapter 5? Why is it missing? Why am I being tortured? Will I go on and read Chapter 6 anyway?

1. “And trust me, Cindy, you don’t want a reputation in this place.”

It is actually: “…in this case.”

2. “Watch and Bryce had a history or not getting on great.”

Should be: “Watch and Bryce had a history of not getting along great.”

3. “‘Listen to the man, Cindy,’ Sally said. ‘He knows all about reputations.’

Bryce glared at her and Sally smiled and winked back.”

Lol. I really like that. Hehehehe

4. “‘Shut up!’ they said in unison, but they were smiling. Watch and Star had been kissing since they were quite young and the others were younger and back then they really did think it was gross. Now, as young adults, they just couldn’t resist annoying them at every opportunity.

Star stood up and they all said goodbye and walked out the café, giving glares to any catcalling guys, and mentally willing Watch not to do anything about them.”

I’m going to say right now that I do not mean any offense – this is a touchy subject amongst writers. It just seems that in the quote above Star is flaunted. Like, she is set apart from the others. Do you know what I mean? I really hope you do. It’s just that it’s mentioned a lot that the gang is equal despite their various strengths and weaknesses. If I don’t make sense, let me know and I’ll try to explain further.

5. “Actually, Bryce and Watch were probably the best looking guys in town”

Wha-! What about poor Adam? And I thought Ted Tane was supposedly pretty cute. Okay, well, it’s Spooksville – he’s probably long dead.

6. “Without them, his face seemed sharper, of his features did anyway. His green eyes shone out of his face, and he seemed even paler, which was pretty much white for Watch.”

I’m not really sure what you mean by his features were sharper. And I think you mean to say that “he seemed even paler, which meant he was basically white.” Or something of that sort, because any Spooksville reader knows Watch can’t get much paler. I know it’s finicky, but as I said – another level.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god. I l.o.v.e. Joss Whedon. He puts so much detail into his stuff and on such little budget!

Okay, okay. Anyway, obviously you have experience in writing, so it is only appropriate to nit-pick at this level. I hope you understand.

1. “And although she had probably gotten them into trouble and a lot of their ‘adventures’,”

Awkwardly worded. And I believe that the “probably” is unnecessary because it’s Sally. Then again the universe is changed… I don’t know – use your own judgment.

2. “I’m gonna have to go with Sally on this one,” said Bryce Poole, almost hesitantly. “Although there are some aspects of the Kaliff’s features to assume it is from the same family tree as the Kli-Klux, there are no other aspects of it’s personality or living and eating habits to connect it to them.” Bryce Poole was picking at a chocolate doughnut distractedly.

There is no need to say “Bryce Poole” twice – at least so closely together. It would be more appropriate to just say “Bryce” the second time. Or even: “He said, picking at a chocolate donut.” The important thing is to remember that conversational wording doesn’t always translate into words on a page because tone doesn’t translate perfectly. This is why I dislike MSN with such disdain.

3. “Star had that affect of you. She was very mystical, and very spiritual, she fitted in Spooksville perfectly.”

Should be: “Star had that effect on you. She was very mystical and spiritual – she fitted into Spooksville perfectly.” Actually this 11th paragraph has too many “She…” You could combine some of these sentences so it flows better – equally so in the 13th paragraph in your description of Adam.

4. Also, you misuse “quite.” In both incidences that you use the word, it should have been “quit” and “quiet,” respectively.

5. “Yeah, and I know I’m disappointed.” Cindy said, making a face.

I think you mean: “Yeah, I know, and I’m disappointed.” ?

6. “Although now the gang knew a lot more about him that they did years ago, they still did not know as much as was normal.”

I know what you mean, but it did trip me up. You should clarify what the ‘norm’ is. i.e.: “Although the gang now knew a lot more about him than they did years ago, they still did not know as much as close friends would be expected to know.” Or something like that.

7. “Watch stared at her. ‘You’re gonna regret that if I have one.’

Sally shrugged. ‘Probably.’”

Heh heh. This is so Sally. Very effective! *thumbs up*

8. “they each felt the strong waves of spiritual energy wash over them.”

I think it would be more effective to describe the feeling. Not to get into too much philosophically/personal thoughts, but I believe that some people can pick up on “spiritual energies,” so I’m confident in believing that I know what feeling you’re talking about. Although it’s difficult, describing the spiritual energy would help everyone to understand and contribute to the true atmosphere of the situation.

All and all, awesome. I like how you brought Spooksville together with Buffy and I especially like how I have a rough idea what actually happened in Buffy (never really got into Buffy because I have two brothers and a mother who take over the t.v. – I’m almost ashamed to call myself a Joss fan)

YAY! I can't wait to see more. Poor Watch... Hope he gets better.

Before I review - you are Scottish - I can tell from your patter, and the fact theat you mentioned the Cathouse (a real location). Just so's you know, I am too, and go to Holy Cross in Hamilton - just wondering if you do to in case I know you, because I have never met anyone else who likes Spooksville (for a 17 year old to admit this is sad). Get in touch! I'm interested!
But anyway - on to the review.
So far, so good. I can see the difference in Watch's character (and appearance) and you've made a good jobn of the best Spooksville character! I am pleased. (Is he really Irish? I've only read like 5 of the books, and it didn't mention anything of him being Irish, just wondering. Anyway, come back to this and keep going, I'm very much liking this.

Hey, you did a really good job writing this. I'm not usually into vampire stuff, but you really combined it well with Spooskville. Personally, I liked Watch better with blond hair, but this is still a really cool fic!

Very well written. i luved this part of the ep and i luv it even more with the spooksville characters instead. post new chap soon. savvy?

o...col! i have no clue whats going on! ya! but for all of the people who have read the curse of the magic remote please read lord of the OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! and review! its a good story but noone is readen it. youall can find it at . ?storyid1543288

Please, please, please continue! Even if no one else reviews, I for one, would love to see the rest. If you don't post it, could you e-mail it to me? I'd love to read it :)

Please, please, please, continue soon! Yhis is so cool :)