Potato squad lol

Epic

Nice

Okay... where do I begin.

For starters, I do believe that the premise of this fic is very interesting. A story of a giant megacorporation going into another world has been done before and has been done very well, and Aiden can be no different. I feel that the premise is very interesting and creative and can be good if executed well...

But that's where I feel this story falters. The story feels gimmicky. The lines you use tend to over-explain things, and it feels more like I'm reading a Wikipedia Article rather than an actual story. For instance, a lot of the writing feels too surface-level, as if there isn't really much of a story, to begin with. It feels like you had a cool idea of this giant megacompany going to a new world, and you want to show everybody. And that's okay, it's just while reading it I keep dazing off every time you list all the powers of Aiden. Again, this doesn't read like a story so much as it reads a list of events that are loosely connected by an overall theme.

Second, the story's dialogue feels unnatural and forced. And I get that the KAn aren't necessarily human, but it's just too surreal. Plus KAn #1 feels very Mary Sue-like to me. He feels too much like a self-insert that just exists.

The writing lacks a lot of focus, it tends to go on and on and on about trivial things that don't matter as much as the plot goes. If you want the writing to improve, I'd suggest writing what you know is crucial to the story. Things like the backstory of the character, the main plot (And only events that really advance the story), and other things crucial to the worldbuilding aspects. And whilst I understand that this story was taken out of context, too much of it seems like a massive info-dump (I used to write like that, and I still do. But a method you could try is to show how your world works and not tell. Though I'm still getting to that point in my own story, lol).

I believe you have a really good world that you want to showcase and attach a story to, and all the power to you for doing so. But the execution isn't very good. I wrote terrible stories that are just plain awful (You should see the ones I wrote when I was nine or ten, it was god awful, but over time you get better. I believe this can be a lot greater if enough work is put into it, and I hope it does because I like your ideas and the world you created. Great to see some futuristic-type civilizations going to a new world, and there is a lot you can do with it in my eyes. Either way, keep writing because you are pretty good.

hey umm fyi the AR 17 is a 2 shot semiauto shotgun

I calling it right now... from the summary alone Aiden Industries sounds like a total Mary SuEllen organization and considering what GATE is about, that is really saying something.

I really can't see this going anywhere really.