Very good chapter, overall, though I did see something out of place. Whenever PG is talking to Cake, and he repeats "Charming as a cactus," you wrote Marshall instead of PG. A minor error, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. Also, I like how you ended the chapter with a little surprise. It makes me wonder what's going to happen next.

Hmm... conflict! This makes things a hundred times more interesting. I don't have any advice this time, just keep writing and adventure on!

Nice job on the whole fanfic so far. I've nothing to criticize this time. I will say that I liked the surprises you've delivered so far and hope to see more before you finish. That's all, keep writing and adventure on!

CammyWhammy,

Often, we as writers get a burst of inspiration. We feel a rush of ideas come into our heads as thoughts, and eventually, these thoughts become so exciting, so overwhelming, that we can't help but turn them into written words.

Unfortunately, that's not the only part of writing. There's the downside of writing we all face as we put our thoughts into words, and that is our doubts. It's the fear of trying to do different, and not just stick to our guns (or genres). Doubt, however, isn't always a bad thing. I like to think uncertainty is a sign that you're pushing the characters to try something new, which makes them all the more dynamic and interesting.

Overall, great chapter! I thought it a lot of great ideas in it. Keep writing and adventure on!

CammyWhammy,

Excellent job on the beginning! You've piqued my interest, and I want to see what happens next. I have no doubt other readers feel the same way. Keep writing and adventure on!

Also, if I might make a humble suggestion, use more show and less tell. What I mean by that is instead of writing "Whoop..." Fiona said unenthusiastically. You might write, "Whoop..." Fiona said, slumping back into her chair while giving out a sigh that exhaled what was left of her depleted enthusiasm.

I think you already do this a lot with the latter half of the story, which makes it sound great! I would just be wary of using adverbs (those words that end in -ly); they take away from the reader's experience by telling them how the character is feeling, instead of showing us through action how the character is feeling. Again, I say all this with the best intentions. Overall, this chapter was terrific.