Yeet!

So, chapter fourteen already? Well, I'll try my best to review it.

As much as I love a slice of life, I think the Elephant part lasted longer than it should have, I'm sure what you call "other stuff" will explain the importance of the lack of security presented by it, but I think everything after Kuroko and Aoi made sure it was just a coincidence, was unneeded. Not bad per se, but didn't have to be there.

Afterwhich, Aoi ended up threatening Kuroko with her sword, (Which I think you should change up time to time, like to a hammer, sickle, lances or bows or other various weapons. I say this because while a sword is an iconic weapon, it doesn't do justice to the sheer amount of application and creativity that comes with her ability. Just a thought.)

Mikoto gets pranked out of nowhere which could've had a bit more context but I guess the whole point of prank is to not see it coming. Mikoto calls Aoi her 'best friend' leading to memories of how identical Mikoto is to her previous best friend, now dead. I'm going to assume due to her Russian name, she is of Russian descent. So, we have tens of thousands dead, with no discrimination in said killing that took place in Russia during some sort of war. Aoi's friend died to due to (probably) someone killing her, and because of her inability to save her, it's safe to assume she went on a massacre, BECAUSE of said death.

Then the chat. I sent you a PM about the chat.

Overall, appreciated the slice of life, I would've liked to see more dialogue between the group as a whole, but I guess Aoi is only truly 'close' with Mikoto. On a different note, I'm going to reread this, as to pick up on anything I didn't get the first time. I am enjoying the bonding between Aoi and Mikoto and would be happy to see more of it. Can't wait for the next chapter, take care!

I have several points I would like make known, loud and clear. First of all, you were quite a bit direct in your writing. However, this chapter has shown promise. Some wholesome moments as promised between Aoi, Takeshi, and the Railgang. Aoi's humanity was evoked a little, as well as her hinted past. In summary I legitimately enjoyed this chapter! (:

Welp... I guess I’m back at it when it comes to responding to guest reviews. Thank you for making quite extensive. But let me point a few things out.

Your main problems with what I wrote can probably be summarized with four bullet points

•Mary Sue (which is bad)

•Detailed writing (which you think is misplaced)

•My stylistic choices (which you absolutely reject)

•REWRITE IT, IT’S TERRIBLE.

Let me address this. Is my character a very powerful person, who has a complicated background? Yes.

Is my character, who has done rather questionable things meant for self-insertion thus making her a Mary Sue? No.

Is she fixing things instead of the canon cast? Somewhat, the canon cast ends up getting their things together only after they lose a friend or something bad happens to them.

Do you know why I wrote all of those scenes the way I did? That’s because what I need to make first and foremost (when a never before seen person with rather unprecedented powers appears) is to make it all make logical sense. That means that I may have to sacrifice stylistics slightly when it comes to my story. I believe that I should make my characters be actually someone that could theoretically exist in that world and appear under those circumstances.

By the way, saying “NO NO NO! TOUMA/ACCELERATOR/MISAKA/whoever else DID THIS AWESOME THING AND YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY FROM THE ORGIGINAL!” is absolute garbage. Look, I have a character and I am NOT trying to make a statement about hating original characters. The only thing that I’m doing is making it logically consistent with what an ACTUAL powerful person would do in those circumstances. If you feel like I need to create an AU just for that, then it means that you are not looking it as a story but as my “constant bashing on everyone’s favourite characters”.

Theoretically, what would happen if a more developed (age, past, outlook on life) and powerful character comes up to someone with less of that and says “Look, please get your shit together.” I believe what would happen is exactly what I wrote. Moreover, would that be considered normal behaviour? Quite. For example, an adult coming up to a child and asking them to stop misbehaving in the playground.

If you don’t get that then you probably haven’t though that a character that is the DIRECT LINK BETWEEN ALEISTER AND THE KAMIJOU FACTION would act EXACTLY like wrote.

You believe that I should focus on someone else? You know, this story is similar to me writing a story about pre-sisters accelerator and then having him turn into a good guy and largely focus ONLY on him and his internal struggles. With my OC, such a story even MAKES SENSE because she is in such a grey area that she, herself, is actually quite unsure on where she stands (though like Accelerator and consistent with most of Toaru cast, she is a nice person deep down).

Why did I create this ‘lazy thought up OC’? I wanted to explore the possibilities of having someone linking the whole universe together with great powers and unclear heroic, yet villainous attitude to boot. This is what the story is about. And I don’t like spoiling people on anything, even this (just pointing it out).

The fact that “Aoi MURDERED someone” is actually mentioned in the passing BECAUSE it is QUITE a common occurrence, it does not involve ANYONE important to the story. Compared to my description of the characters’ emotional outlook and an outline of WHERE THE HELL a character lives (which is very important in my eyes to ‘set the scene’ because I very much believe in ‘visual cues’ even in written stories). Also, if you are saying that my detailed writing is a one-off, then you are gravely mistaken. I read lots of stories in this fandom and almost all of them use “say” and don’t even tell the readers the facial expressions of the characters. Then there’s the fact that I’m detailing the thoughts of EVERYONE: my OC, Misaka, Touma, Kakine, Accelerator and etc. The fact that I’m doing so is DETAILED WRITING, the fact that I sometimes insert a wall of exposition inside of the scene is DETAILED WRITING.

Important note: the detailed writing and lack there of is also there to show the pace. If things are moving VERY QUICKLY, I describe them VERY BRIEFLY. This also makes sense, does it not?

I would like to mention that my ENTIRE FanFiction is slow and rather detail oriented, except for when I do a bit of a time skip to finally get to a story arc (and I do this because describing daily lives of a character is not the story’s main focus but an important part of what makes the readers understand and picture the characters and what they look like (early OT suffered from the same problem to a lesser extent and I strongly believe that’s it’s better to suffer from this problem rather than alienate people who don’t even understand how anything looks, works and the meaning behind it all).

Another problem you believe I have is that I fail to make a reader sympathize with my character.

Oh, really? Maybe this is purposeful because she has not yet detailed ALL of her past and you cannot sympathies with someone that is arguably worse than pre-sisters accelerator in some areas. She does believe all of this is justified at the end of the day, but it isn’t really. Not sympathizing with her in many ways is what I aimed to make a given reader feel. Accelerator calling her a “bitch” was rather justified, don’t you think? You know what, sympathizing with someone is highly subjective. I sympathize with her because I’m the author of this thing. Maybe I didn’t do a good job of conveying why you should sympathize with my character but since you already called her a Mary Sue, when she doesn’t fit the definition (in my eyes), I’m unlikely to ever convince you. If you drop the Mary Sue thing and look at her as an emotionally fragmented person with a positive goal then you can find a lot of sympathy for her.

As for my stylistic choices I can only say that it’s largely “to each their own” and admit that maybe my inconsistent style is quite off-putting. However, I have to immediately note that I do what I do there only because it is FUN. The greatness of the world of Toaru is that it manages to keep the serious stuff along with goofy elements. I add light hearted stuff quite often (rather prevalent in the form of references).

As for the caps for the narrator, even the narrator can put an emphasis on the word and stress it. If you feel like the narrator is shouting, then you are simply mistaken. Your imagination and me not putting in the necessary detail lead you to misinterpret that (that’s exactly why I detail so many things in my story).

If you feel like, the story is bad currently then you are largely correct if I compare what is in the story now to what the story is ALREADY HINTING AT VERY PROFUSELY and what will actually come later. This is a longfic, not a one-shot, suit yourself.

Also, the fact that you practically beg me to rewrite because this story is terrible is wrong. I will make due with what I wrote and will improve it all bit by bit. Rewriting something is ABSOLUTELY WRONG unless the story does not make logical sense and the narrative the author had in mind is not actually being put into the story.

The fact that many people go for a rewrite after being told similar things to what you’re currently telling me is quite sad. Their rewritten stories end up pleasing the ‘critiquers’ and usually force the author to stop updating completely because they themselves lost interest while doing the rewrite.

I am not doing a rewrite of this story. Ever (probably). Because whenever I look back at my early chapters thinking “damn it, it was all a mess”, I find a slew of interesting characterization, never before seen characters which does and does not fit (intentionally) with the canon and various subtle hints that ACTUALLY PAID OFF.

I can only say that subjectively, as a reader of my own story, I really enjoy reading it (down the line after writing it and even forgetting some details, which I put in). I admit to the claustrophobic nature of my “walls of text”, I admit to the fact that my “sneaky author’s commentary” might not be for all and that it only made sense in the early chapters (that’s why you don’t see much of it later), but I refuse to admit that my story is shit.

It isn’t on par with many actually amazing literary works but it IS good in it’s own right. I am slowly changing the story (as I originally planned) but not rewriting it. The current chapters are one huge prologue.

You feel frustrated with my character being overpowered, the lack of progression for her and her (arguable) unrelatability? Good job, you are still in the prologue. Just like Misaka had to go through two arcs in the anime before actually starting her story proper in the Sisters Arc, I am doing largely the same here. Granted, those two arcs actually were better as a prologue than what I am writing down but this is only because I set up such a distinct overpowered character and such an outlook on life (and knowledge of it) for her that I can’t exactly do much with her except for what I’m doing now. The fact that Aoi is so well equipped and ready to deal with anything that comes her way will make the events of the chapters that are coming soon (about 3 chapters away from that) that much more devastating. If you think, I will spoil what is to come just to prove you completely wrong in terms of my story having nothing notable, I will not. I’d rather give the people that actually liked my story a good story and not spoil plot points for them.

Thank you for being somewhat constructive in your criticism. I will not be doing a rewrite though, not happing. It might be messy but it has a story I wish to tell and the more I reread what I wrote the less messy and more meaningful it seems.

That’s all for my reply as well.

Hiya, I would like to review your fanfiction for you.
I’ve only read the first 11 chapters and I’m gonna be basing my opinions off of this specific number.

Let’s jump right into it.

This story, subjectively, is bad.

What you are doing here is not creative. You take already existing story arcs and scenes from Toaru universe, throw your lazily-done, overpowered (because obviously, why not?) OC lacking any sort of depth or character, and make HER the central point of everything when no one asked, while also making her the most knowledgeable, smarter than everyone else and the funniest on the planet (Quote: "Aoi knew how to deliver jokes" wtf? if this isn’t the laziest way of trying to form an impression that your character is amusing, I don’t know what is. She literally just said in that moment that she had bumped into a wall. Was that supposed to be even remotely funny? I’m confused). But, guess what, it all backfires right at you. Presenting to the readers an original character who’s supposed to CARRY the entire plotline of your fanfiction should require a lot of effort. Especially if it's a Mary Sue. I don’t see much effort here. You CAN create OCs and make people like them, as long as they are kept under certain rules and boundaries, not stepping their muddy shoes into the CENTER of the story and calling themselves the bestest of the bestest. Because you are not creative, you just simply change your fantasies into a text. And fantasies are something that everyone has. Making them work and making them work PROPERLY is the tricky part.
Not to mention, the cringy language you use? It’s supposed to make the OC seem cooler, and I’ve seen tons of those all over the internet. It’s a huge mistake. If you want to be treated with respect, change it. Change it up. "Welp"? "Hype"? Girl, this is EMBARRASSING. OH PLEEAASEE. PLEEAASE, CHANGE IT UP.
Next, the… I don’t even know how to call it. Woo chile… So, I realized a certain pattern in your writing. You are describing activities such as WHAT THE CHARACTERS HAVE EATEN, FOR HOW LONG HAVE THEY BEEN SLEEPING AND WHAT HAVE THEY BEEN WEARING IN A DAY in almost comically precise detail, that I wonder why haven’t you become a blogger yet, while at the same time the description of events that are supposed to have a lot of weight and meaning to them are just summarized with a one WORD. A WORD. Here’s an example because we want to be thorough with it. Quote: "To no one’s surprise, his misfortune would probably hinder the sleep he so wished for right now. He’d get 6 hours, sure, but not the full 8 that would be required to recover from the shock of meeting an alien and seeing them sliced in half." Next, "The three woke up early the next morning with not as much sleep as they hoped they’d get. Each one thought they had it the most rough and had the least sleep but only one was correct. Clocking in at 4 hours 30 minutes was the hero of Academy City Kamijou Touma [I removed the cringy tildes being there for no reason]. Slightly ahead of him in the sleep deprivation race was the Electric Princess, with a total of 3 hours 55 minutes, the Railgun, Misaka Mikoto. And the one in the lead was Aoi with a total of 140 minutes or 2 hours and 20 minutes of sleep." Next, "Their attire for the day didn’t change whatsoever. Misaka wore her usual school uniform, albeit a different set. The poor (in terms of money) Level 0 had to wear the same clothes he wore yesterday, which consisted of his white and red running shoes, black trousers, a white short-sleeved shirt and an orange t-shirt. His misfortune and forgetfulness also played a part in his choice of attire. He was out of washing powder. Aoi also wore what she wore yesterday. Thankfully the clothes were still rather clean since she wore them for only a couple of hours. The t-shirt needed a wash, which Aoi wasn’t able to give it last night since it was getting pretty late." Now, this doesn’t look off or weird when taken out of context which is this entire fanfiction. The amount of words you put into the description of DETAILS like these, usually is a good trait in a writer. But only if a) it has any plot relevance or has any meaning at all to the story that you want to unravel later OR b) when the entire fanfiction is very, very slow and detail-explaining-oriented. This scene, where you explain for how long those three characters had been sleeping, what were they wearing, how were they feeling has absolutely no sense at all when we compare it to the pace of the rest of your story. It’s taking us all somewhere else. The reader is confused, to say the least, and shocked how much emphasis is being put on those boring, daily life stuff. While, clearly, a chapter earlier the events that were PRETTY HEAVY on the plot, were pretty eventful, had your character go out and MURDER someone, had been given nowhere near this level of detail put into its description. My absolute favorite was when your original character was going through something traumatic, it was a very sudden change of atmosphere, immediate signal that something is wrong, that SHE HAS A PAST. The emotions of a psychological crisis, a sudden wave of traumatic memories coming back and invading her mind were described as: (quote) "(…) she clutched her chest with her right arm and covered her mouth with her left as her various PTSDs let themselves known." I’m not kidding, this is the end of it. An emotion that she feels when remembering something traumatic is summarized in one word. I’m not even going to touch on the fact that the shortcut word "PTSD" when we’re talking about emotional and mental pain is used here, but just the lack of care you have put into this scene… it’s just garbage, I’m not sorry. It absolutely disconnects the reader from the character, when there was a faint chance of actually having a nice, sympathetic feeling towards her, you just let us all know that the level of laziness and lack of any sensations coming from this fanficion is out of the roof. Having absolutely zero emotions shown off, your OC’s character and her past are presented to us by a word. PTSD. There were so many other choices you could make. Yes, we can tell she has PTSDs. But what is coming from the inside? Where’s the emotional depth? The weight of the situation that is shown to us by a good use of words? But at the same time, we get more detail than we should about the amount of time your character slept for. I… I don’t know what to say. It’s bad writing. That I can say for sure.
Next point is very quick because I’m very confused. I am so confused that I’m afraid I can’t form a constructive criticism or review or anything, to be completely honest with you. I just have a question. What is Chapter 5? What? … What is this? Why? … How? … Like, no tea no shade, what is Chapter 5? … I’m so confused…? I literally had a stroke reading it, but I'm just curious. What is Chapter 5? Yeah, ummm….
Next point, what. in the hell. are those fonts? The bold. The italics. The underline. The all caps sentences. What is this? Why is this in a story? In a fanfiction? A wannabe book? This looks… dumb. Stupid. Unprofessional. Confusing. Weird. The writing is so lazy, so weird, so inconsistent, but with the different fonts having different purposes and AUTHOR’S SPEECH (I’ll get into that later) which shouldn’t even exist, is top notch laziness and lack of creativity. Using Caps Lock in a story should be only limited to the characters’ speech. Outside of your story, for example in a comment like this one, using it is really good because it accentuates stuff you want to point out, immitating the real life’s shouting. That is exactly why only characters’ speech can include shouting in a story. But as a narrator, if you want to accentuate something, make something loud, make something worth remembering, make something valuable, you absolutely, under no circumstances mark it with a freaking bold. This practice saves you a lot of time and effort (a key word here) because instead of creating a very complicated, emotion-filled and at the same time organic description which pushes the fact or the situation forward, making it visible and memorable to the reader, you can just mark the sentence, click the "bold" button and say: "All bold sentences are important". This isn’t a notebook. This isn’t a journal. You are showing us, the readers, your characters’ internal feelings and STRUGGLES. This is a story. Make us invested. Make us sympathize. How can we sympathize when everything is marked for us in bold and italics? Your OC apparently is the most traumatized and mind-broken person in the entire planet Earth, so why do I feel like she doesn’t feel shit? "She has PTSDs". "She’s sad :(". "She killed her parents :,(". Yes, I can see. But how am I supposed to feel? Tell me something about the character itself. Well, when we do go into that, there’s Caps Lock everywhere. There’s bold everywhere. There’s underlining everywhere. You're screaming to create depth or cause emotional reaction and that's absolutely not how you do it. This looks like a school note. I can scream all I want in this review, because I’m imitating human speech and I’m trying to get my emotions through the screen, so can you when you’re not writing in your own story as a narrator. Your narrator uses Caps Lock. CAPS LOCK. That’s a problem. The narrator is not you. See, when you write a story, it’s very different from when you write a comment. You write as a narrator, but you also write as the characters. You’re neither of them. Your fake personality traits have to switch between the roles. Narrators do not scream or raise their tone at the reader in order to accentuate something. It’s unprofessional and it looks cringy. Accentuate stuff using different, more subtle and professional methods. Using certain structures in your sentences pushes forward the information you want to accentuate and the reader doesn’t feel like they are reading an overly-enthusiastic report of your own plotline. You can use all kinds of different stylistic devices such as merisms, metaphors, epiphoras which, while someone’s reading through your story, will make the information you want to tell seem naturally and automatically more important or crucial, it will slightly pop up from the rest, without shoving it down the reader's throat. A narrator tells us the story, makes us intrigued, sketches the outline of whatever you want to present to the reader, but is very subtle with it. Narrator uses descriptions, interesting and surprising word choices which influence the reader’s imagination organically. Throwing a bold or a caps lock on something you want to make pop up, completely misses its purpose. It looks dumb. I then feel like I’m reading a mid 2000s fanfiction of a 13-year-old, overly enthusiastic kid. Change it up. Now, the Author’s Speech. Um, I would say get rid of it? If you don’t want to, ok? But I would suggest leaving all of your, the author’s, thoughts at the end of the chapter as a bonus. This works well, doesn’t feel like you’re reading a report or a journal or a notebook and guess what? In that section, you can use Caps Lock all you want. Underline, use bold, use italics. You can even be funny, tell us a joke, stand on your head, do a pirouette, blow bubbles. Whatever you want. But don’t shove it inside the main text of the story, it looks bad, it’s very amateur-looking and it feels weird to be reading someone’s comment on their own work WHILE THE WORK IS BEING READ. Let’s maybe… Maybe not do it? Maybe not? Ok.
Last but not least, the dialogues are absolutely horrible and reading them is kind of a chore, but I don’t think there’s anything to analyze here? All I’ve got to say, people do not talk like that in real life. The characters talk awkwardly…? They also use ASAP. Welp. Hype. Baka. I feel uncomfortable reading this. Can’t they talk in a way that they feel or "sound" organic in the spoken words, but without using slang? It looks really bad, unprofessional and out of place. Thanks.
What this fanfiction BEGS FOR is a serious RENOVATION. YES, RENOVATION. Renovate the whole thing. A reboot. Something. It’s not even bad on the essential level, the stylistic and grammatical points were eaten alive too. If I have to be completely honest and give my very personal impressions, I was bored reading this fanfiction. It felt like nothing really happened after those 10 chapters, everything was resolved with a flick of a finger, every scene "lasted" in my head for max. 20 seconds. Nothing had the needed build up, everything was rushed and pushed forward just to show off your OCs powers and her just being a psychotic girl. Everyone was so scared of her, everyone was so obedient to her, everyone would kiss her ass right away, while she literally just… was there, eventually destroying the biggest enemy and saving everyone, because you love taking the credit and strength of the original toaru characters and transferring them directly into your OC. Nobody asked. Grab your blue suzuki and go back with something better. I didn’t comment on the OC herself much, simply because I don’t have enough time and energy to cover everything that’s wrong with this archetype. All I can say is she’s lazily-done and absolutely everything about this type of characters is cringy, uninspired and (ugh I hate that word but I guess it fits perfectly here) chuunibyou. You may have tons of ideas, but when the story is rotten and gross at the very core, nothing you can do is going to change the OCs reputation in the reader’s eyes. Because saying "she’s a powerful tomboy, the strongest Level 5 esper in Academy City, she’s cool, she killed her parents :,(( because she was too strong and cool" is LAZY. This is a PERFECT pattern for a cringe-worthy, pathetically lazy and uninspired character. And any drama you would want to create around this backstory, would just trigger the "so bad that it's funny" reaction in the reader. Because there's literally no depth. If you had only made the setting something that is your OWN. An alternate universe. A completely different world. Different rules. Every character is new. Every character is your own. Then it would actually have an emotional balance in the reader’s eyes, because the characters would not interrupt or overwrite the already existing drama and the weight of events. But no. You decide to make a GODDESS who instructs MISAKA MIKOTO THE 3RD RANKED LEVEL 5 HOW SHE SHOULD BEHAVE IN THE FIRST. GODDAMN. CHAPTER. And you expect people to be content with it, because you spent a lot of time "creating" the OC? Nobody asked. I can see slight attempts at making her "relatable" or "funny" or making us all feel like "she also has problems" (like when your OC was slightly socially awkward and scared that someone may judge her because of her scary power. If developed properly or developed at all, that could have been a nice layer to her character) but unfortunately they absolutely do not matter and have no influence on the reader’s viewing perspective of the character whatsoever. It's a lazy Mary Sue, you like it or not, and she has a lot of clones all over the internet that we would all preferred not to see anymore in 2020. Now, I wanna ask something. Who. is. the. target. audience? Who’s supposed to read this? For which individuals is this story? It’s clearly not for the readers themselves. It’s clearly not for the fans of the universe. It’s for you. YOU are having fun. You are invested in your OC. You have the whole world planned with all the deliciously overused trauma, dark plottttt and others. No. We’ve seen this. THOUSANDS OF TIMES. Done better, even though clearly being cliche as hell, done with more creativity, done by people with a good writing skill. It’s boring, it’s lazy and it’s uninspired even in cases when the product is semi-good. The times of dark OCs with a tragic past killing their parents, having nightmares about killing, being killed and going hehe yandere psycho xd, doing teleportation and 258 other abilities at the same time, literally creating anything out of thin air, killing enemies with a single fart, being emo and cool, let’s just leave it ALL in 2005. PLEEAASE LET’S NOT GO BACK THERE. Some things should stay in the past. That’s exactly why nobody wants this. Change it. Change it up.
(On a side note, I do think some people may want to read this fanfic as a guilty pleasure, since I know some people enjoy reading cheesy, over the top overpowered Mary Sue fanfics, where everything is resolved after a second and dream sequences about killing parents are on a daily basis. Idk some people just enjoy the 2000s MySpace vibes xx_ShadowWolf_xx kind of things. Personally, not a fan, and that is my review and my opinion on this. It’s not horrible for every single person reading per se, but the lack of interest coming from your readers, as you may notice yourself, is because of the problems and issues I’ve mentioned in the review. Mary Sues are so common and so lazy and so just… bad that people are naturally used to ignoring fanfics like this one already. We’ve seen thousands of those, they are in every fandom. It’s not original, nor is it creative. It’s way too common, and in my opinion, bad. Yeah.)
Final thoughts. I'm not going to butter anything up, reading those 11 chapters was quite a challenge. I'm guessing you're unexperienced with writing and I think you have a lot to improve. However, I don't think that this particular piece can be fixed by adding more chapters? I think that you need to start over, with a different approach, if you want to make this fanfic idea digestible. The main character is bad. The main storyline is just her fixing things that have already been fixed (but in your universe not quite yet) by canon characters and making everybody and their mother scared for their life because she looked at them. I know nothing about physics (dumb bitch check) so I'm not even going to try and question the ability that the title of this work bears, although I do think it's a massive overkill in terms of strength from what I've read in this, and the additional teleportation just seals the coffin of all Mary Sues for me. Your writing isn't horrible but you need to just calm down, use simpler fonts, more complicated stylistic devices. Make the reader interested. Create depth. Learn how to set a specific pacing. Don't rush important things. Don't skip major events. This fanfic? It's an absolute chaos. Nobody knows what's going on anymore. I was very confused to say the least. Idk what else to add. Change... it? That would be my suggestion. Because that? That's not digestible. It's bad. It's messy. It's boring. I think it even gets slightly self-aware of those things, too. Honestly? I had a good laugh.

That’s all.

Well, i am really Bad with English, Even so i Will try (don't hate me, I speak Spanish), before watching and reading a fanfic i look at the comments, it may be a spoiler, but it helps me to realize if a story it is worth it or not, something that Made quite thoughtful in this is that there are as many good comments as others that are not much, i really do not like the OP characters precisely because they are very boring from the premise, but if there is a history and interrsting background, as well as human growth then it could become very enjoyable and recommended, so seeing also how You explain to your OC in the comments I decided to give your story a chance, also You update quite often, that is very good considering that the great autors usually update every thousand years haha, well see how this develops, see You later.

Tis another mixed chapter. We got some slice of life fluff, some identity philosophy, and even introduced a possibility of the 6th ranked Level 5.

Word of advice: do not involve your oc in the Deep Blood arc, okay?

Word of advice: do not involve your oc in the Deep Blood arc, okay?

You know, I was just about to review and say that you’ve done a good job so far on this fic, but then you posted the new chapter!
With how new this fic is, I’m impressed by how frequent you update.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

This chapter covered some important points. First of all, Aoi almost became part of Touma's harem, which you avoided. Secondly, Aoi did sorta upstage the level canon 5's, which isn't something one should do, though you did create some interesting interactions. I'll be waiting for the next chapter!

‘Base Hyperrectangles’ are below quantum foam by like A LOT (which I already implied). No one besides Aoi really knows what they are other than her description of them. Dark Matter and Magic aren’t made out of quantum foam, are they?

Also, the ability to control all MATTER via those particles kind of justifies a nickname based on matter. Also, Aoi chose her own nickname and she specified in chapter 1 that she could have been called something weird and lame (in her eyes) if it wasn’t her choice.

What I meant by ‘OP characters aren’t bad’ is that it seems less of a stretch that a strong character will lose their power when compared to a weak one gaining power. (I hope you see what I’m implying and stay tuned, I promise you that it happen before the Sisters Arc as it wouldn’t work out otherwise).

Yeah no, op ocs do not justified anything. They'll make the story too dull when it comes to 'who's better than who at anything?'. Also, is that girl's ability really based on the Quantum Foam Manipulation someone pointed out? Cause I don't think 'Material' is a good name for that.

Ps. 7 out of Touma's 8 dragons' abilities are revealed.

Welp, it’s time to respond to reviews inside of a review... again.
There isn’t much to cover, but let’s think about why we want to create OP OCs fro a second.

Original Characters just like any other characters can be overpowered/underpowered compared to their peers. I strongly believe that having a character that is too strong is better than having a character that is too weak. Inherently, having a powerful main character opens up many possibilities to take them out of the action which would seem less crazy to the audience when compared with the cliche sudden ‘friendship power boosts’. There is no power of friendship in neither this nor Kamachi Kazuma’s story. Neither magic nor esper powers allow fo the ‘power of friendship’.

Given the fact that I specifically wanted my OC to have that specific ability (because I think it’s awesome and I like it) and that I’d like to start with the canon story and slowly and organically make alterations to it, which will shift things quite a bit on some areas, I believe having an OP OC is justified.

If you can’t stand the sight of my OC, I’d like to ask what you’re doing on chapter 7 of all places. I’d expect the haters of this story’s entire concept to review that chapter and nothing after than that.

Given Aoi's capabilities seem to show ties to Quantum Foam manipulation, the character is pretty overpowered, however if you were to introduce a memory loss scenario, or a partial one could make her a blank slate, assuming that's what your doing. Certain aspects of her history bordered on a mature rating. Final note, memory loss is effective way to start her story of over, or rather her perception of it.