Hi walkswithwheels, over from the forum to read & review. I know Pokemon from watching the show, but I only remember about half the original 150 so I wasn't familiar with Litwick. Didn't matter though.

I wasn't sure how serious this one was at first. The opening - the darkness, the gravestones, the mortal world - seemed to be straying into exaggeration/hyperbole for effect and I thought it might be all a bit tongue-in-cheek. But then Hilbert appears and I realised it's not like that at all, it's quite serious.

And it turns out to be quite a lovely little story. Very heart-warming.

I liked the constant switching - first the lights are guiding, then they're menacing, then helpful and guiding again. I liked that Hilbert manages to psyche himself into freezing and falling over when he's not even being attacked - the fear is worse than the Litwicks - and I like that you wrote it in such a way that the reader gets caught up in Hilbert's panic and thinks the attack is real too. That was pretty neat.

The description of the Litwick was great and I could picture them perfectly. The description of Hilbert I found a little confusing. ('the gray pants could be seen through the shoes' straps' - I can't picture that at all. And 'There was a hint of white on the back of the cap, and a part that jutted out in front was the same color as the object.' is quite awkwardly phrased too.) I wondered if you actually needed to describe his clothes. They're not important to the story, they don't tell us much about Hilbert himself, and it's dark so noone can actually see them.

The single lines gave it a real sense of urgency to start with, and I think that worked quite well, but it carried on so long that it lost its impact and I found it got a bit too choppy. It might be better to keep that for the really tense, suspenseful moments. Varying the pace so it's slower at some points can make the faster, more dramatic scenes stand out more.

Hilbert's a nice guy, though. He's so happy to be helping them, and his joy really comes through at the end. I like the image of him racing up the stairs, surrounded by an honor guard of Litwicks lighting the way. Very uplifting.

Nice story, well done.

There were a couple of things I found confusing though.

The staircase is in front of Hilbert, then behind him. Is he getting turned around? Are there two staircases?

I didn't have a good idea of where the lights first appeared - were they by the stairs? Because they seem to get closer as he runs towards the stairs, but it's not really clear. (Maybe you wanted it to be unclear, because Hilbert's panicking?)

Teardrops is not a word I associate with flames so it didn't immediately dawn on me that's what you were describing, but once it had it made sense.

And final some suggestions for rewording, feel free to ignore:

"It was impossible to lay eyes upon" - that just didn't sound right to me, I'd have just said 'impossible to see'

"It was impossible to know exactly where the footsteps came from, or from who." - I think that should be 'from whom' at the end.

"If Hilbert's mouth wasn't already hanging open, he would've swore…" should be 'would've sworn' I think

"The hand over his stomach slammed to his side, but Hilbert barely registered the motion." - That just didn't read right and I had to think about why. I read it as his hand slamming *into* his side, but I think you meant his arm straightening and his hand dropping down to his side, so perhaps "The hand over his stomach slammed down to his side' might convey that better.

Hope that was somewhat helpful. Well done.

Hi walkswithwheels,

here from the W.A. Mistaken Identity Challenge.

Completely fandom blind. I enjoyed the slow start as it provided time to get immersed in the story and trying to figure out what's going on. Your usage of mistaken identity was a good reminder to reevaluate rumors and prejudices.

Well done!

Thank you for writing and sharing this uplifting story.

Hi, walkswithwheels,

Here from the WA challenge. Congratulations on completing your story for it. While I’m familiar with the original Pokémon, I’m not familiar with more recent parts of the fandom, which affected my reading experience a bit as explained below.

The story begins with a spooky ring to it. The narrative tells us quite dark, so dark, in fact, that nothing could be seen. That deep darkness makes the detailed description of the young boy feel a little odd to one not familiar with this particular aspect of the Pokémon fandom. The reader familiar with the fandom can probably deduce the identity of the boy from his clothes but the fandom blind reader (such as me with regard to this aspect) is left to wonder why that description was so important. Considering that the story is written for a challenge and may attract fandom blind readers, delaying the description until a little later when light is shed on the situation might make it feel less out of place and still allow the fandom reader the “Ah ha!” moment when they confirm their suspicion on the boy’s identity.

As the pace picks up after we learn about the young intruder, short, choppy, one-sentence paragraphs are used to convey the sense of fear and urgency that he feels. That’s a great tactic to build up the suspense and the reader’s interest, but it can also be overused. In this case, it seemed to me to go on a little too long without a break. This can make the reader’s a bit tired and lead to loss of some of the excitement and suspense that was intended. An occasional longer paragraph cut into the middle of such buildup passages can be used to add to the story while serving as a brief respite for the reader and their eyes. The other good thing about such breaks is that they can also lead the reader to want more, to find out what is happening. When the next series of quick, suspenseful sentences begins after that brief respite, the reader is refreshed and more engaged in the excitement.

You did a very nice job of revealing the mistaken identity and the twist that followed. Going into this with my limited knowledge, I was halfway expecting a sad ending, so I was nodding at the initial mistake (even though I didn’t recall the specific Pokémon). That sounded like what a cruel Pokémon might do, the end result was a nice surprise and definitely brought a smile.

Thanks for writing and sharing your story, and best wishes in the contest.

Just checking this out as part of the WA challenge. I was worried for Hilbert for a time there. I am glad you changed your mind and didn’t stick with the dark ending you originally planned. I do think that made it fit better with the requirements of the challenge. Nicely done.

Hi there, here from the mistaken identity challenge and fandom-blind. The opening of this story made it pretty hard for me to get into. I think that the word "darkness" is overused and that we're told too many descriptions of how dark the setting is. I thought that the pace would pick up after Hilbert was introduced, but he seems to spend a lot of time debating what to do (for example, the long descriptions of him seeing the lights, wondering if they're real, wondering whether he should go closer, etc), and it really made the story drag to me. Putting so many individual sentences (and even individual words in some places) on their own line breaks also made the story feel slow to read. I'm not sure that this needs to be as long as it is, or that it's very accessible to fandom-blind readers.