I feel guilty not beta'ing this for you. It's got some issues that I think could've been addressed ahead of time if I had. Sorry about that.

First of all, you might wanna go back and proofread this. I spotted a lot of typos all over the place. Words/names misspelled, using the wrong words, wrong capitalization, bad punctuation, etc.

Second...I think a lot of this chapter could've been cut down and we wouldn't be missing anything important. A lot of it was just showing the crew going about their routine. If it were me, I think I would've cut out these things:

- Johannes' bit in the first scene.
- the living quarters scene.

Maybe you could take some of the dialogue from the living quarters scene and put it in the dining room scene if you wanted to preserve some plot details (like Malinda reacting to Timuron's acid breath).

Also, I think the line "He was 18 during the Lylat Wars, Timuron. People change." would've been a better line to end the chapter on vs "I'm going to the bathroom."

Fox is kinda cold not giving the team that loses a meal though, isn't he? Wouldn't it make more sense to offer the winning team a reward and the losing team gets nothing? Because the former 'rewards' can't be good for morale, you know.

Fox talking to his own reflection was interesting, although I think you did this already in a prior chapter. Also, Slippy I think underreacts to Fox talking to himself. I feel like he'd be a little more concerned for his friend's mental health like this.

Overall, the characters in this chapter kinda feel like they're sleepwalking through the things they're doing. I don't think they react enough to the things that are happening around them, like Slippy not reacting much to Fox talking to himself. It's a little hard for me to stay interested in what's going on if the characters don't seem that interested in what they're doing either. Like I was hoping Fox would be a little bit more excited about getting to be near Krystal, or the cadets on the ship being interested or excited about having a mock dogfight, or the cadets complain about needing to exercise. Just something to where they'd show a little more feeling about the things they're doing.

This time, reading it a 2nd time, it actually made more sense. The first time I read this, I was not myself. I can certainly see that Fox is having some kind of emotional break down, which makes the story quite interesting. It seems like we might be in a point in time where Krystal already loves or is married to Fox. Not sure, but still very interesting. I wonder which enemy Fox is having sympathy for. I hope to read another chapter very soon. Great job.

You know, militaries exist because if you don't have one, it's an open invitation to your opponents to attack you. Often, having a military sitting around doing nothing is less costly than having no military but anyone can attack you freely. I bring this up, because Fox seemed to be asking why Corneria has a military despite no one fighting them. The very presence of a military means there WON'T be a fight.

In my initial reading, I thought it was funny how Fox conversed with himself and that little stylistic touch you have of personifying inanimate objects. But you are right, it could be a reflection of Fox losing his mind too... I didn't consider that.

I think Fox not knowing how to properly command those under him was a good touch. You know though, wouldn't he have gotten some training for this in officer school however? Or is he just trying to do it casual because that's what he's used to, and his recruits are taking advantage? By the way, I'm not sure if Fox's new underlings would be that casual themselves. Boot camp is meant to train all of that crap out of them and make it a reflex for them to obey authority after all.

The new scene between Malinda, Timuron, and Cobalt is better now. I like it a lot more now that she doesn't immediately cry 'rape!'. I feel like rape isn't something you should joke about, given how much it's traumatized many people IRL.

Also I feel like it was a good idea to tone down on the grossness factor in the final Macbeth scene. It works in Cerinian Apopcalypse since you're going for comedy here, but it's distracting in a story where you want us to take things seriously.

Wouldn't it be a bad thing for the Doberman to withhold food if he wants to get work out of his prisoners? Isn't that kind of like this corporate workplace joke I've heard that goes: "Firings will continue until morale improves." In reality, I think the prisoners would be denied privileges rather than food for not working hard enough.

One small thing, but I remember you had some emails in your story when the Doberman was typing up his comm-mail. The thing is you can't really just put a straight email in your story, because this site automatically removes those from your text. So you end up with a funny-looking sentence that looks like it's missing something.

Also, you use 'email' as a verb here but 'comm-mail' as the noun for the addresses... Was the story supposed to be that way?

This chapter needs to be split in two or three chapters, it is just too long. I was not able to finish this. To be honest, just because it is a flashback, does not mean it need to be italics. There were certain word uses that were used wrong in the book, it needs to be replaced with the correct word usage. There was a certain time in the book where you used "I" in a sentence, when it should have been "me". There were also a couple of missing words that need to be added in.

Of what I could read of this chapter anyway, it was good for the most part. Except the sheer length of this chapter took a lot out of me. Splitting it into more than one chapter would be nice. Thanks for your time.

I did like this chapter, I think it offered something unique to the table. I can tell that Krystal very much cares about Fox, I can see in how she reacts around him. I also really love the description you use, it is like I am there with them. Very wonderful. I do like the subtle use of emotion to convey certain things in the story, it is blended in nicely. I can also hear the southern accent in Clytes, which I love. Adds some flavor to the story, very nice. So far, I would say that the chapter is very beautiful, I look forward to read more of this book in the future.

I greatly enjoyed the chapter. The suggestions by Nail Strafer were pretty good. The relationship with Fox and Krystal, so far, seems to be well-advanced into their love story. Marriage is far enough away, but doesn't mean that the romance does not end after it. So, hopefully Fox and Krystal can make that work.

I did like the flashbacks, although the italics were distracting. Still, good. It seems like this story takes place far into the future, which seems well advanced from the games themselves. Which also explains the changes in the characters. So far, I would say that the book does show plenty of promise. I will be sure to read the other chapters very soon.

I feel like this opening could be stronger, somehow. The way it started with Fox and Krystal having a conversation in bed didn't grab me, and felt more like a scene that should be happening in the middle of a story instead of at the beginning. I probably should've said something in Discord about this. Problem is when I'm in Discord I'm usually distracted and I miss things I would catch if I had undivided attention on the story.

You know what I think would work better? It'd take longer, but instead of having Fox run down the list on the reasons Star Fox is failing in the bathroom, actually *show* scenes demonstrating the things he's talking about. Show Falco abandoning the team. Show Peppy dying as Fox visits his bedside. Show them delivering that door knob and getting paid a pittance, and then mention it's the only work they've had in months. Do it like a montage of flashbacks .

Heh, priceless gilded door knob. Amusing stuff. Same with that gag with the lightbulbs. Also the fact that Slippy just happened to be walking through the hall when that lightbulb popped and heard it, even though it was the middle of the night.

"*HE* looked at the rusty mangled piping in despair. *HE* sat down in the shower and proceeded to take off his bright red boxers off and throw them onto the broken sink. *HE* covered his scalp in a whole bottle of blueberry shampoo. *HE* closed his eyes as the light blue goo penetrated every fiber of his smelly and mangled red fox fur, *HE* hadn't showered in three days. *HE* turned on the water at its hottest setting."

Six sentences in a row that start with 'He', counting the part that's a run on sentence. And the paragraphs after this are filled with 'He' sentences as well. You should mix up your sentence structure here some more.

You also have problems with run-on sentences throughout the story, by the way.

The ending where Fox explains that the CDF offered him a job (the ending of SF64) feels more impactful though and it does a good job setting up the story's arc, plus Fox explaining the logistics of what they'll be doing once he closes up Star Fox. Really sets up the rest of the plot.