Cross-posting from Thousand Roads!

A few line-by-line reactions and then expanded thoughts at the end.

Persephone said:
Kekoa tries to step closer, but he’s held back. Gently, but the message gets across loud and clear.

The choppiness here was a little odd for me. I know it’s a style choice, but I had to reread this line a couple times.

Persephone said:
Hello, Genesis. Are you hurt?”
His question makes you smile; he does still care about you.
“I am. Are you?”

I can’t tell if he misheard her (if so, I’d expect her to react!) or if there’s a typo here.

Persephone said:
To Cuicatl. Someone who had always been nice to you. Well, almost always.

LOL

Persephone said:
the teleporter’s alakazam makes the entire world stretch and stretch until there’s nothing but lines around you.

Ooh, nice line.

Persephone said:
you never learned the vikavolt’s names since they were usually at work with the spiders

Vikavolts’

Persephone said:
“I need you to look me in the eye, Xerneas as a witness, and tell me that you never felt anything for her.”

The parents became talking heads for me in this sequence. I wasn’t sure whether only mom was talking or what kind of space dad is taking up, etc.

Also, I wonder if “that you never felt anything for her” is too direct for this family? Maybe instead focusing on “your sins” instead of “your feelings”?

Persephone said:
Or Kotone if you want to call me that.

Ahh I wondered if they were the same person! Nice.

Persephone said:
Even the pains from running in shoes that were not meant to run in fade away.

A little clunky with that preposition. Suggestion: Even the pains from your too-tight saddle shoes fade away.

Persephone said:
There’s a book series about a group of knights. There are a lot of books and there’s sort of a bigger plot but mostly it’s just kids a little older than you hanging out with other kids and fighting bad guys with swords, bows, and pokémon. When you run around the track you get lost in that world, sort of, except you’re in it and have friends, a white rapidash, and a sword made of pure crystal. The sword also—doesn’t matter. The point is that you won’t tell anyone any of it. Ever. It’s not real. It doesn’t matter to them.

Aww, Gen. This was sweet. Maybe the most relatable she’s been for me.

Persephone said:
Then she starts talking about whatever’s on her mind (snakes, cartoons, something or other that another friend told her)

Hahaha yes.

Persephone said:
You suddenly feel stupid and maybe mean and decide that it’s time to inspect your socks.

Doh. (Heart.)

Persephone said:
in Japan that all leads back to Red,” she says the word with a strange mix of awe and disdain. Like he wasn’t just garbage, he was the Mt. Everest of garbage.

Excellent turn of phrase, though I was confused at first why she was mad at Red. I feel like Gen maybe should be too.

Persephone said:
The night he found out he completely lost it in our room.

I wasn’t totally sure what he was finding out about here. Did Red get killed? Is this just talking about the truth of Lyra’s family business?

Persephone said:
She brightens up like her brother got arrested five times.

Hilarious and so lovely in context.

Persephone said:
“I guess you’re never going to make a move, are you?” Lyra finally asks.

I like Lyra.

This was a fun one! I like the reframing of the Rockets and how the kids fit into it, how it intersects with TV and stories.

I was surprised that Gen’s introduction to Lyra felt so informal. It seems like if their parents were friends or whatever, then Gen might at least know her by her family or be told that she was supposed to welcome the new girl into the neighborhood. Something. Maybe even a suggestion of what Mom wants her to take away from this (even if she’s getting it secondhand from Agnes) since that woman seems to always have an agenda. “X will be good for you. Maybe she can teach you how to Y.”

I also thought the ending came abruptly, and I wish there was something to anchor us back in the present or contextualize these memories with how it feels to say goodbye to Cuicatl now or whether she agrees with her mom’s assertion that she’s lying.

You handled the awkwardness with the friends well though. The tension between “my mom was terrible to you” and “I have to defend her actions.”

Cross-posting from Thousand Roads!

Nice to have the gang back and to see what this situation looks like from the perspective of smalltime trainers who aren't champions of anything.

Persephone said:
From you. Oops. When you stop it continues. Not just you, then.

Hahaha, this is a classic Persephone moment.

Persephone said:
that your power can hopefully make sense of

For me, lines like this give "her power" too much agency. It's not a conscious entity in and of itself, right? Suggestion: that you hope your power can translate. ... Guess it didn't translate well enough.

Persephone said:
Tlaloc and Quetzlcoatl had to put Cipactli back to sleep when it stirred under Japan. The Split God, Alice’s god(s), clashed in Unova. And Metztli sent an avatar to guard these very islands.

Oh, I didn't realize until now that she interprets them as Aztec deities. I thought those were all separate, parallel entities.

Persephone said:
That’s nothing new. You’re just at the border between stomach-rending, painful hunger and greater, painless hunger with lightheadedness and a building headache. Six to eight hours, maybe?

Oof, that's a grim assessment of her current state.

Persephone said:
“Xurkitree,” Kekoa mutters beside you.

I'm confused how he knows! But I like how much trouble Cuicatl has understanding them in spite of her abilities.

Persephone said:
Alice will never believe you.

Aww, I really feel her missing her dragon friend here.

Persephone said:
but at some point you either stop gawking or

Is gawking the right word for a blind girl?

Persephone said:
“It was my duty as a goddess.

Does she think of herself as a goddess? I guess so.

Persephone said:
She’s very well behaved when she isn’t trying to watch people pee

HA!

Persephone said:
It’s only about halfway in when the convoy grinds to a stop as Reshiram roars.

The "as" here tripped me up. I feel like it's muddying up a sense of cause and effect that would make this flow more easily for me.

Persephone said:
but it’s garbled and your English is only okay without your power,

This wording makes it sound like her English is passable, but only if she doesn't have powers. Suggestion: and without your power your English is only okay.

Persephone said:
Something giant crashes down behind you before you can do so,

Lost track of what "do so" referred to here.

Persephone said:
“I am truth incarnate. My promises are prophecies

Nice.

Persephone said:
Those who are certain that they must change the world often bring it to ruin.

WELP.

Persephone said:
A lot. And,” she shoves a stack of bills down into your palm. (How? Is Reshiram still around? Did she get lucky? All the questions that don’t matter come to mind.)

LOL I love how quick Cuitcatl is to chalk this up to Reshiram.

Persephone said:
If this turns into a shouting match, Genesis will feel attacked and he will lose.

Sounds about right.

Persephone said:
“Really? What’s Cuicatl Ichtaca done?”
Drat. You were really hoping to stay out of this.

Oof, terribly on brand. Flailing, so he drags someone else in.

Persephone said:
even if it doesn’t come through your power.

This was another place where "your power" and the wording got a little murky for me. Is it a sound with meaning behind it or not?

Persephone said:
Let’s get to the shelter.

I hadn't realized they were at a new shelter-a bit more scene-setting would help me a little here.

I liked the conversation with Reshiram and the fact that Cuitcatl was able to have that conversation not because of something she was born with but because of something she worked to earn. It was also nice to see Cuitcatl and Kekoa making a kind of peace with each other and finally finishing airing out their issues. Makes sense that now is when Genesis's family is calling her home. Are we gonna get some doomsday Xerneas cult stuff from them?

Cross-posting from Thousand Roads!

Ooh Selene chapter!

[There’s no archival footage to watch of the thing battling.]
Nice detail.

[soon as you’re gripping her shoulders she takes off fast enough that your arms would be ripped off without her telekinesis holding you down.]
I was surprised we got so little of Nebby’s thoughts considering her psychic presence is such a big part of things here. But this does set up the urgency and the trust between them.

[It’s the least you can do.]
For real.

[He looks between you, Nebby, and the Altar and looks at you with a questioning gaze.]
Double “look.” Maybe swap the second one for “shoots a questioning gaze at you.”

[Just keep my shielded]
Me*

[Strong enough that you’d have to pray that Arceus or Xerneas or any other supposed creation god is every bit as powerful as their worshippers believe.]
*And that they care. Or can be made to help.

[Years fighting Ultra Beasts gave Incineroar the instinct toimmediately]
Slipped into past tense (*have given?) and there’s a missing space. And! She doesn’t name them! Blasphemy. That damn soulless smile.

[A blinding light shone far above you.]
*Shines

[You can only really make it out as the absence of any color at all.]
Nice.

[It screams directly into your brain.]
Oof.

[Incineroar is purring nervously above you, crouched down on all fours and guarding your body with his.]
BABY. Catcatcat.

[You press down your headache]
Didn’t know what this entailed though. Maybe “try to ignore your headache”?

[Z-crystal like eyes]
Missing hyphen between crystal and like.

[Kommo-o stay back.]
Missing comma.

[judging by the angry Nebby-like screeches in and out of your mind.]
This felt just a touch too glib. I wanted a more emotional response at the uncanny valley between like her friend and not at all like her friend.

[Vikavolt just needs one hit to shatter his shield]
The way it’s phrased, I couldn’t tell if it did, in fact, happen or if she was only anticipating. Maybe: just needs one more hit before—his shield shatters.

[could puncture aluminum.]
I picture an aluminum can first, which lessens the effect.

[The master ball freezes in midair. That shouldn’t even be possible. The tech is too well safeguarded against attacks of all kinds. Then it crumples inward in a flash of sparks before the metal drops uselessly to the ground beneath it.]
Welp.

Necrozma is definitely operating on a different scale here! Feels terribly powerful.

[You withdraw your last pokémon. It occurs to you that all of your pokémon—wait—you hit the withdraw button on Nebby’s pokéball—and nothing happens. Worth a try, at least.

It occurs to you that all of your pokémon but Nebby survived.]
HAHAHA

[Hapu says. “If you don’t hear back from me, assume it’s still there.”]
RIP. I wanted a little more reaction from the others at this dark-ass announcement.

[one of the only people you trust to navigate the canyon in the dark.]
So, what, Necrozma ate the entire moon? This fee like something I’m supposed to know from playing USUM buuuut I don’t.

[You purse your lips in the dark. “Tell them to be careful.” As the cliffs of Sootopolis collapsed and Hoenn was under siege, your father chose to help the people of Japan until the very end. How many brave soldiers will die as he did before the necrozma is driven back?]
Uh oh, poking holes in Kekoa’s justified rage.

[Living on your ex-girlfriend’s childhood home when he can be bothered to be in the same country as his business.]
Until this line, I didn’t know who was speaking in this paragraph.

And! Who! Is Chris? I obviously thought immediately of my Chris, who wouldn’t— Actually, he wouldn’t be the least helpful person! Suicune would totes show up for this. Ring him up.

[And why didn’t you call on the world’s most powerful trainer who happened to be right here in the first place?” the governor asks, probably as it occurs to him for the first time.

You clench your fist and slowly unclench it. You can do this. You can do this without saying ‘because he’s rubbed me the wrong way since we met at the Battle Tree.’ He told you your shoe was untied. You bent down to tie it. He literally kicked your ass. Said it was a preview of things to come. Insufferable. Prick. You could have spent all twenty-ish minutes of prep time you had begging him to come help and it might only work if he thought he’d get all the credit for none of the work. But you can’t say that.]
“Most powerful trainer” sounds like Red, but the behavior is Blue. Hmm.

[Damn it. You’d forgotten that Lillie was like this. Break her heart into pieces and stomp on them in front of her and she’ll still be there for you in the morning. It’s why you had to break up in the first place.]
Aww, Lillie. That does check out. Girlfriends.

The fight was easy to follow and definitely felt like it was in a totally different league from the fights Kekoa, Gen, and Cuicatl are fighting. I did wish I had a little bit more of a sense of where Selene is standing throughout and how much danger she’s in—debris scraping her face maybe? Feet slipping in those cute, impractical slippers? Losing a slipper? (Gasp.)

I also wanted more of her emotional reactions in a few places. (Flagged above.) She’s very pithy, but I feel like dread and fear would be super warranted.

I was surprised to get her perspective! She’s definitely not as absent as I expected she might be, based on some of our earlier conversations. Her team is so Alola—sensible team though.

Her phone manners are amazing.

Hurry up and update already! This is outrageously good! Never had much interest in Alolan fics, but I really like this one.

["Crabrawler couldn't take down the totem. Had to have Pixie confuse him, immediately withdraw her, and then finish with Coco."]
I think "crabrawler" is a typo here? Kekoa has the crabrawler, not Cuicatl? Oh wait, later it says Cuicatl has a crawbrawler too? I thought she just had her three OP monster babies.

[The internet is fiercely divided on the question.]
I appreciate this. It always baffles me when the composition of a gym leader's team or their tactics is a mystery, if the setting has any technology functioning. Of course people are discussing it.

[She says it like it's your fault that you don't know how to think quietly.]
Could really hear Kekoa teeth-grinding this line out.

["Not king." You sigh. "Champ doesn't actually have power. Just a throne."
"Then why does it matter?"
"You wouldn't get it."
She raises her hand and the beldum floats back to her from over the guardrail. "Yeah. Don't think I do."]
Excellent exchange. Kekoa is so focused on symbols, while Cuicatl is focused on very concrete means of power, money and beeg dragons.

[Why's she walking away? You barely got into it. Sure, you're mad but. Oh. That's take a deep breath and watch her go. Apologies can come later, if you come up with something you should apologize for.]
I didn't entirely follow this. Is it because Kekoa implied she's an outsider who has no idea? Or . . . ?

[Punching things out is what he's built to do and this isn't too far out of the ordinary for him.]
I liked this little warm-up session and how based it is in the pokemon's own physiologies and natures.

[Once Hekeli lands back on your shoulder and you've started to break a sweat despite the cool mountaintop air you withdraw your pokémon and head to the observatory.]
I think you're still in unnecessary anti-comma mood. Tripped me up not having one between 'air' and 'you.'

[The plaque itself isn't eye-catching, but the contents are odd: a graph with a jagged upward curve.]
I'm not sure 'odd' is the right way to descrine this, since Kekoa 100% knows what it is and what it means.

[Then two spectacularly dumb, spectacularly evil fuckers in Hoenn decided to wake some gods up and kick all the frozen methane off the ocean floor.]
Definitively my fave summary of Ruby/Sapphire.

[In a hundred years when the world drowns and some assholes try to insist that no one could have done anything about it, well, there will be a little graph in Alola to show that there's lots of blame to go around.]
Again, very indicative of how Kekoa thinks. More focused on everyone knowing who was to blame than stopping it.

[The name of the person who has been scheduled for this time slot for four fucking days. That's what your name is.]
:D

[Then you get to fight the totally unexpected totem.]
Kekoa sounds like someone playing the game who's already seen the walk-through, and that's not very interesting. I kind of feel like, either up the challenge and make it something that's interesting, or just don't bother describing the process until the important actions starts?

[Your pokémon comes out and starts glaring (which, somehow lowers physical defense… hey, you don't need to know why it works, just how it does, it's all elemental bullshit anyway).]
Not sure how I feel about these kinds of super meta lines. What does "lowering defense" actually mean in the context of a fight? Shouldn't Kekoa know that, if he's been doing fights? This chapter feels like it's leaning pretty strongly into a 'game mechanics are silly and I am better than them' mood, when I feel like the project of the fic so far has been to turn the game mechanics into something more realistic and interesting. The initial fights before the totem stretched a little long for me, and since Kekoa isn't really invested in them it's hard to see why I should be.

["Advancing rock sma," before you can finish the order the togedemaru starts clapping again.]
Typo on smash.

[ There's blue blood everywhere and crabrawler isn't getting up.]
Oof

[It reminds you of the old meme of a clearly exhausted nurse saying, "we hope to see you again."]
omg. Also, "we" should be capitalized.

[Your friend gently picks up Pix's leash and follows your footsteps and The Gage Heiress's voice as you walk out the door.]
It's always fascinating to me how Kekoa in his narration is so focused on labeling very clearly how other people stand in his mind. That's the Gage Heiress. That's my friend. He's satisfied once he finds a way to categorize someone and very tense when he's unsure of how to do it.

[You'll pretend that you don't see her little ice cream moustache.]
Aw, Pix.

[ The sunlight goes first. The nighttime lights of the shop come on for a moment before they go off as well. No. Not entirely. You can still make out a faint glow around them, but it's swallowed up almost immediately. Only the cracks still provide light but it's strange. You can see them easily but the light doesn't bleed out to illuminate anything else.]
Really nicely described. I can feel the sense of the uncannyness of the light from this.

[When the sirens come on it seems like an afterthought. How could anyone not know that this was an emergency? That…]
Also really like this.

[Fuck fuck fuck fuck didn't survive Kyogre and Groudon and motherfucking Lusamine just to die …It's way is the observatory? What happens to your pokémon in the Center?From the sounds of panicked screams and people tripping all over themselves it doesn't seem like anyone else has answers either.]
All, right, shit's getting real now. I was expecting the arc to conclude with emotional blow-up, not apocalyptic blow-up, but this is great. Looking forward to seeing how the story shifts gears from here!

[Something involving sounds.]
I missed this on the first read, but I’m noticing now this is probably the exact same trial Kekoa had. She just experienced it completely differently.

[She's pretty nonchalant about that considering that she lost her fucking shit when you preemptively kicked the hellion. Apparently it's okay when she orders it, though?]
Yeah this is an interesting moment! Not sure what to say about that except HMM, I’ll flag for later.

I was surprised she still had the crabrawler at all, after her conversation with Pix.

[You wouldn't get it."
She raises her hand and the beldum floats back to her from over the guardrail. "Yeah. Don't think I do."]
I liked this moment.

[lifts herself into the air with her wings.]
This jumped out at met as a little clunky. I think it’s the “with her wings.” Without I’m like, yeah, she’s flying. With I’m like...wait, is she using her wings in some other weird way?

[Makani the grubbin doesn't do anything at all. Least he didn't use string shot everywhere. Progress.]
Haha

[Time to warm up."]
I liked this brief glimpse into Kekoa’s warmup!

I liked the reflection on the plaque, but I wanted those connections to be made just a little clearer. Presumably Kyogre/Groudon made the spike WAY bigger? And were Lusamine’s operations greenhouse gas intensive somehow? Missing some context from not having finished an Alola playthrough yet.

[not-totem togedemaru.]
I feel like non-totem would flow a smidge better.

[Some charjabug will show up on the table, which is actually a three by three grid]
Again, I’m sure it’s because I haven’t played the full game, but “table” confused me and have trouble picturing this. This is where the battle is happening, or just the slider puzzle to activate the lasers?

[He really doesn't need to be told twice]
Haha bug’s gotta do what a bug’s gotta do.

[Then the electrike really fucks up. Starts blurring at the edges and rushing forward. It hits, sure, but its feet are just coated in string and it seems to do as much damage to itself as Makani when it trips. And now it's trapped in close. "Bug bite."]
I’d make this a new paragraph, but I really liked this passage. You made string shot interesting and useful!

[Can I switch my pokémon before the totem comes out?"]
I was confused by this because a moment later it seems like he’s weighing who to use, like he can choose.

[Can't tell if the hair on your arms (thicker than it was a few months ago!)]
Good job, baby Kekoa.

[before the gun started firing in a tiny little choreography mistake]
This was a little unclear. I think this is Kekoa being facetious, but I’m not 100% sure.

[which, somehow lowers physical defense… hey, you don't need to know why it works, just how it does, it's all elemental bullshit anyway).]
This was too meta for me. Slowed the action more than you probably want too.

[Her tiny little hands don't quite reach]
Hahaha

[giggles? Can togedemaru do that? Giggles, not giggles, whatever as sparks fly through her fur.]
This seemed like an odd aside. Can it giggle? Clearly!

[Right before crabrawler rock smashes her in the face with a surprisingly fast punch before slowly trying to get up.]
This particular one would be easier for me to picture if it were broken into two sentences, I think.

[Then darkness starts spiraling around him and with strength he should not have he rushes forward, string falling off behind him, and lands a solid hit on the totem right as she lands.]
Another long sentence. I’d split it at “him,” start new sentence at “With strength he should not have,...”

[floor as the togedemaru rolls back before stopping herself. Guess the leer and rock smash made the needles more brittle or something? Again, still not sure how half this shit works. Maybe Cuicatl's read something. Listened to something. Whatever.]
Again, maybe a touch too meta and a touch too slow.

[Advancing rock sma," before]
Why no em dash!

[After a quick false start where crabrawler trips as sparks fly out around him—earning another razzberry from the totem—another quick shadowy punch strikes into togedemaru.]
A little wordy here. Suggestion: After a quick false start where crabrawler trips and sparks fly out around him—earning another razzberry from the totem—he lands another quick, shadowy punch.

[A red glow forms around the totem just as crabrawler steps back]
Suggestion: The totem begins to glow red just as...

[more force than you've ever seen any pokémon use in person and crabrawler's sentflying]
I’d break this sentence after person. Also: missing space!

[start tossing your final pokéball into the air as you calm your nerves.]
I like this nervous habit of his. Though I have to imagine there’s a cap on how long he can reasonably stall like that.

[Rock Smash!" You shout it like the words can add any power to the attack]
Nice

[Victory or not it doesn't feel much like one.]
The best fic mood. I liked that it was unclear who won, that little moment of uncertainty. My gripes aside, I think you made good use of space in the battle. The togedemaru had lots of personality.

I’m stressed about Kekoa’s babies at the pokecenter. :(

I’m betting the wormhole is a guzzlord drop, if only because I thought the incoming necrozma was due later. But this seems like a bad time for everyone! :D Stakes just ratcheted up.

Kekoa is having a hard day.

[Analysis: chapter v good. 0 complaints detected.]

[Alarming countdown noted. Response?]

[ ] Worry about worrisome countdown
[x] Do not worry about worrisome countdown

[Query: who sent Absolute Unit?!]
[Query: and what next?!]

This was incredibly delightful from beginning to end. Oh my. Beldum POV best POV. Initiate ramming.

Just gonna list out the lines that cracked me up most. Don't have anything more productive to say. Thoroughly enjoyed.

[Ramming Unnecessary.

Initiate Ramming?

[X] Initiate Ramming]
Always gotta ram.

[UnitDesignate_Pix is the top predator of the mountain to the south. Information filed. All organisms on the mountain assigned Threat Lvl 0.]
Oh gosh, poor Pix.

[QueryProgram Meaning: Nocitlālin

Meaning: My star.

Alarm Lvl 1011: UnitDesignate_Cuicatl_Ichtaca claims dominion over the solar system.]
Damn right she does. Cuicatl is going to be so OP when these babies grow up.

[UnitDesignate_Kekoa leaves the tent and becomes aggressive when you try to surveil its fluid release.]
omg, died.

WHAT A GOOD BELDUM

Teething. (Heart.)

Some nitpicks/line reacts, plus fuller response at the end.

At first read, I though *Gen* was bleeding. Clarifying where the blood is would help.

[“I'm not letting her bite me," ]
Period, new paragraph!

[Would've had to say no if she asked to hold hands. Too much risk of repeating the whole Lyra thing.]
On whose end, huh, Gen?

[More than anything you're just struck by how normal she looks. You can almost imagine having gone to classes and hanging out with her in the past. Sure, she was always your age, but with the blindness and the way she dressed there was always something marking her as from a different world than you. That's not entirely gone since she still has a lot of ear piercings and green hair and cataracts but it's shifted somehow. She could have been your weird friend.]
A nice sentiment. Really highlights how atypical Cuicatl’s clothes were. Loved the shirt, hahaha.

[three percentage points on your phone's battery.]
Unclear if this is a measurement of time, or if her phone is only at 3%.

[before anyone stops to talk to you and you make a beeline for him.]
Comma missing between the first “you” and “and.”

[gave me your number, loaned me Red, and told me not to go find you]
Sounds like a recipe for going to look for Gen...

[He did call Exodus but she didn't tell him much of anything.]
Wasn’t she kicked out for punching him? Why would he call her? Also, sounds like he doesn’t know why Gen was kicked out? Could be clarified.

[“ Where's your crabrawler?"]
Wait when did that happen?

[Thought it was bet to let Kekoa look after him for now."]
*best

[Maybe you're parents are atheists and you disagreed on that but you're named Genesis…"]
This line stuck out weirdly to me.

—

I’m really noticing the lack of privacy in trainer life — really contrasts with my setup and all the isolation there. TFW the most private place you can cry is a public park bench. Feels very real, and I can imagine how that would drive me crazy. It does make me wonder why GCK stuck together, in spite of the tensions. Does VStar *require* them to be teammates? Why? Could use a little clarity on the rules.

Also can quite tell how old Levi is. Shorter than Gen, little brother for sure, but his speaking style makes him sound older. Trying to shake Count Cloudy’s hand was a nice kid moment though haha. Wish I had some glimpses of what their normal relationship had been like before.

Did I just read a fluffy chapter of Broken Things? Wow.

Coco's teething issues (literally!) made for a fun background drama. Knows all the fang moves, huh? Cuicatl is shaping up a pretty powerful team.

The [[-14:8:41]] scene ie the Genesis goes to the communal bathroom scene felt pretty unnecessary.

Interesting that Genesis goes from referring to Kekoa with the pronoun she to they to he by the end of the chapter. Not sure what's motivating the switch.

[The air immediately feels colder and Pix isn't even out. ]
Nice

[Too much risk of repeating the whole Lyra thing. Her hair's almost jade when it's wet. ]
Okay Genesis. Keep noticing how pretty other girls look when wet!

[It's a basic t-shirt with an orange base and a hydreigon drawn on the front with the word "DANGEROUS" in all caps beneath it. Definitely fits her vibe.]
Aww, this is real cute

The Levi interaction was magnificently awkward. I like that her brother is sweet and cares enough to do things behind her parent's back, but obviously doesn't even consider challenging them.

[Wait, spider silk. It's bulletproof. ]
OH. Very cool.

[On the way you let out Count Cloudy and Levi tries to shake his hand… blob… things. ]
Cute, and you can really tell Genesis and Levi were brought up A Certain Way

[Levi awkwardly pulls a few neatly folded bills out of his breast pocket and hands them to you. Hundreds. Several. Four? Five? "Sorry that I don't have more, but…"]
Nice to see the awkward runs in the family. Hi, I care about you, please have some money.

The ending two scenes were very nice and fluffy. Part of me feels like you could have ended with [-14:5:49], but I didn't mind the extra fluff at all! I think the overall impact on the chapter is that the Levi encounter doesn't feel like it was a super big deal emotionally for Genesis. I'm not sure if that was the intention or not.

I'm so proud of the tiny baby teething. What a good child!

I almost wish that countdown would’ve been present throughout the other chapters! Right now it feels like an oddity in Cuicatl’s worldview.

Was a little confused in the first passage whether Cuicatl was inside the library or not. A line or two could clarify.

Nice to see Cuicatl resisting her dad in that moment! She draws the line at the removal of her mother’s pokémon — her friends.

We still need to know how she got to Alola specifically. Will be interested to see how that plays out.

I enjoyed the description of grass and gravel and concrete under her sandals — very visceral.

Pixie. I love the brutal split in how differently they understand their oddly similar histories. “Kicked off your mountain” indeed. It feels like they’re trying for each other, and that’s really nice to see.

Really enjoyed this chapter. Probably my favorite Cuicatl one so far. I liked the way you chose to order the scenes. Previously, the backstory has come first, kind of like, here's our mandatory backstory injection. But in this chapter it felt more organic, brought on by the library scene. Which was a very effective scene in its simplicity.

The backstory scene . . . I like the way she finds excuses for why the mom's pokemon aren't there. And since we know what's coming, seeing the father's justification for selling the pokemon in his monologue before Cuicatl does makes her realization hit that much harder. The physical abuse was pretty brutal and I like the way Cuicatl's thoughts fluctuate on what she should do about it/whether she deserves it.

[You haven't told anyone about your brother's headache and neck pains. His meningitis. If you'd forced him to seek care right then he wouldn't have died. You're sure of it.]
This read very confusingly. It was hard to figure out where in time we were. I think changing "haven't" to "hadn't" would resolve that.

[You almost want to haggle it even if you know Americans hate it.]
Is there a reason she assumes the vendor is American? Accent, or something? There are some Alolan vendors in Alola, right? Or is the idea all Alolans are technically Americans?

The conversation between Cuicatl and Pixie was very good and the rainy setting was nice. I like how it's basically a train wreck until she can't hold it together anymore and mentions the dead brother.

["Is that… what happens when there are three vulpix?"
"I should have."
She's deadly serious. What the fuck? ]
Just the complete culture clash and how they both have dead sibling trauma but in completely different contexts and have taken completely different lessons from it . . .

["Then you didn't kill him?"
"It's not that simple."
"Humans," the word is loaded with disdain. "Mistakes happen. Weavile attack. Sisters die. Life goes on."]
This is probably the first truly helpful thing Pixie's said to Cuicatl and she doesn't even know. Also, red-crests are weaviles, huh? Makes sense. I'm bad at guessing pokemon from descriptions.

["I'm walking you."
Maybe she doesn't believe you. Took the wrong message. Thinks she has to earn your love. Maybe. Right now you don't really care. ]
Good to have this conversation happen, even if it can't begin to touch on all the messed up things in Pixie's psyche. I like how you draw out the similarities between their stories: "Is that why you were kicked off your mountain?"

[You lower a hand to her and she tepidly sniffs it before slowly raising a paw onto your stomach roars and ruins the moment. She slips her paw off and backs away.]
Liked this a lot too, that there's no deep cuddle triumphant moment. Wasn't really a fun conversation, neither's exactly happy, but at least they had it.

As instructed, I am ignoring the ominous countdown. What ominous countdown?

Some typos:
[Its good.]It's

[A pause dramatic effect.]For dramatic effect?

Genesis v Kekoa time! Ah, but due to Plumeria's intervention this is all going to get a lot more fraught and interesting. I like that you drop the Genesis backstory just when she's at peak unsympathetic. Things feel like they're picking up some steam with Skull's involvement. Also, Rachel's phone call to Cuicatl-has the mom's pokemon made an appearance on the markets? Now that each of the main trios' motivations are clearer, the story feels to me like it's found its stride. Think that could have maybe come a bit sooner, though.

2.3

["No. The brionne becomes a girl when it evolves. Organs change and everything."]
Cuicatl is trying in the most Cuicatl possible way here.

["My father was a merchant. Traded with the States. He gave money to the schools. The library. The doctors. When business was bad he'd keep giving. Sometimes wasn't enough food in the house but he helped everyone else. That was his duty. Your merchants aren't like that."]
This is a bit weird, because if Genesis is from America-standin, then her 'merchants' do do that. Private charity is used precisely as a justification of wealth and profit.

[People look out for themselves because no one else will. Like life vests on planes. ]
Also a strange example. Airplanes always say to put your mask on first before helping someone else, not don't help anyone.

["So he starved his daughter to make himself look good to everyone else?" ]
Genesis makes a good point . . ?

[Apologies. Family. You glance at the window and watch the water run down the glass. Another rainstorm. Even if it wasn't a holiday you couldn't go elekid hunting. You turn back to the room. Well, not a room. The small area between sets of doors. ]
How much she doesn't want to do this really comes through.

[ "Exodus, they sent you to therapy for trying to choke their son. You can't justify that."]
Oof. Well Genesis back-story was very well placed here. All the pieces slot in - why she was kicked out, why the family isn't calling so far, and what's up with Exodus. One thing-the recap mentions that it all starts with "Sarah"? But the girl who kisses Genesis is Lyra and no Sarah is mentioned. Confused by that.

[So many lies. Primarina are transvestites. Blood sacrifices keep the sun moving. Your parents don't love you. Exodus was ever justified.]
This list shows how difficult it will be for Genesis to change her mind on things. Lies are are lies. If one's true, why not the others?

2.4

Kekoa becomes an actual member of Team Skull and swoons a lot over Plumeria! I like this twist a lot. Gives him an incentive to create an artificial peace for now, without the conflict really getting resolved. I remembered from the first chapter that Genesis is one of the big six and the ariados thing makes sense now, I guess. A little confused over why spiderweb is a multinational industry? Silk or adhesive or what?

The idea of buying a victory is also a really fascinating one. Opens up that question of how much is trainer, how much is pokemon.

[She made herself small, vulnerable. Stirred up every damn bit of estrogen in your system. Her trainer's doing that now. Ugh. Fuck her."I know." She sounds tired. Defeated. Manipulative.]
Kekoa seems really obsessed with this idea that Cuicutl is manipulating him by acting weak. Curious what's at the heart of this.

[You need power to save Alola from its false queen, they want you to help them plunder Alola for profit. But nature rebuilds. All will be well when the kingdom is free.]
Was wondering how Kekoa stomachs the contradiction. But okay, ends justify means for now.

["Hmph. So we can't take back the kingdom with a battle but we could lose it with one? That right?"
It pointedly looks away from you. "It wasn't a democracy. That was how things worked then."]
Interesting issue, because it seems like the ideal situation would have been not having the country set up so it could be lost by a battle. Kekoa doesn't get why the queen accepted the challenge and allowed the obvious rule fudging, and I'm guessing more was going on behind the scenes than he knows.

Pancham scene was v cute. Plumeria v cool and mysterious boss: "Whatever you want, kid."

yay caught up