Really digging these insights into Joker’s thoughts.

Loved this chapter. I find it interesting to finally see into Akira's thoughts as the game doesn't provide much of it. Hope you are doing well and can't wait for more!

Loved this chapter. I find it interesting to finally see into Akira's thoughts as the game doesn't provide much of it. Hope you are doing well and can't wait for more!

This is genuinely really good. I’m a bit iffy on OCs in general, but this one seems interesting. I hope you’re planning on continuing this at some point

The story so far is incredible! I love the subtle changes you've made to the original story, and the changes you've made to Akira. To me it always felt as though, despite everything that happened to him and the dialogue choices you had, he alwats seemed way too cheery for someone whose world just seemingly crumbled around them. But at the same time you've kept the kindness that he shows to those around him and I appreciate I greatly. I await the next chapters eagerly, and I hope your skill in writing continues.

Chapter 10
here," Mona gleaned
[I see no way ‘glean’ can describe speech. That’s not a valid speech tag]

defeat them!" added Panther catching onto the plan
[Her dialog already Shows the ‘catching on’. Peter Jackson already wrote painfully obvious dialog for Legolas, we don’t need the repetition]

Though once again, the other three were unaware of Joker's Third Eye
[If your POV character doesn’t know it, don’t Tell us. That’s Author Intrusion and ruins the narrative pacing]

she felt a hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles until she finished
[Wait, so the Shadow’s just waiting for her to feel comfortable before attacking?]

made Ann stumble into his chest
[If you’re trying to set up mutual attraction, a cold “it’s fine” and slow heartbeat from him is the opposite. Does a good job of making him look like a robot, though. Blushing or at least both of them averting their eyes was really missing. Even Ann’s perspective only notes liking his smell, when at that proximity she would pretty much be forced to look him over in detail]

received a ping from their phones
[The game seemed negligent in how few text responses Akira had, but I don’t see why your Akira would be silent. There’s an actual conversation going on and multiple points where he could’ve said something]

I liked the idea more than the details of how the story went about what was supposed to be a focus on the growing bond between two characters. Akira in particular seemed stone cold and distant even when the situation called for the opposite.

I'm assuming Higgs scared the shit out of joker. I hope Higgs keeps on taunting the phantom thieves and possibly damage them. With him In this hes the most dangerous one out of everyone.

Really enjoying these twists and deviations from the plot. Nice to see that you’ve decided not to retell the exact same thing as so many others have fallen for it.

Nice awakening scene. Particularly enjoyed the pep talk 'Princess Ann' gave to Joker. I wasn't expecting him to have the level of insight of Ann being able to return again to the metaverse through the test of resolve, but I'm glad she passed that 'test'. Looks like Ann is super determined now to avenge Shiho. Nice chapter.

The song is fitting (hope I'm listening to the right version). Good on Akira for his swift and calm response to Shiho's situation. That efficiency probably saved her life in the nick of time. Oof for Ryuji being abrasive to how Ann feels about the situation. I can sense Panther's awakening arriving soon.

Reading this incarnation of the Kamoshida arc (specifically this chapter), I'm struck by the remembrance of how some fans of the fandom take to blaming Ann for what happened, or saying she had it easy compared to the suffering Shiho went through after she was raped.
It's a mildly irritating thing sometimes, to claim that because one individual suffered the most extreme of misfortunes, that any mild trauma other people went through is nothing/meaningless. Almost as if there was a competition for the # 1 spot of victimhood. What happened to Shiho was awful. One can be fully sober of that fact while still acknowledging that Ann too had it rough. The stress of dealing with Kamoshida's harassments and advances, that was all real. Just because Ann's selflessness hardly highlighted her own plight, it didn't mean she didn't have it rough while trying to get through her friend.

Oh thank fuck, no more cockblocking Mona. I just wish Akira had a bit more interest in Ann. I know they don't really know each other all that well yet, but I really don't like how passive your Akira is. He feels too apathetic. If this was Minato from P3 I'd have no qualms.

He needs to be a bit more suave for how you make him out to be with how Ann described him through his PT costume but still have a bit of emotion in him. He is, after all, still a teenager. No matter how big of an edgelord you are, or a convict, being a teen makes it pretty hard to switch off your hormones. Especially with a hot blonde pressed against you in a packed train. At this point, I'd have told Ann that maybe he's gay.

Dear God. That's wayyyy more disgusting than it was in the game. It was actually kinda funny, even thought it's just the tip. But then you add the sticky white stuff and... yikes.

Chapter 5
He's hiding something
[Or the only thing he knows about them is their reputation as violent troublemakers. Him reacting to one of their questions could give this away, but him being nervous to start with doesn’t say much except what the looker is wanting to see]

he gave himself away with subtle shifts in body language
[Like what? Show us, don’t Tell!]

Ann was so shocked by the sudden demand
[What sudden demand? It’s what he’s clearly been going for since he started extorting her for sexual favors]

silently sobbing to herself
[I don’t think sobbing is silent, but even if it can’t be I don’t see how she’d have the energy to hold that much back with nobody to pay attention to her – you describe nobody else in the bathroom]

get going," she said
[Who? Both characters in the scene are female, so “she” doesn’t clarify. Formatting implies it’s Shiho, but you’re missing out opportunity to describe Shiho either missing Ann’s desperation or seeing it and commiserating somehow]

Chapter 6
Ann had just finished
[Then you go into the conversation – that’s backpedaling. Just start IN the conversation, describing the characters and environment as necessary. Don’t TELL us she finished a conversation and THEN show it, that’s awkward]

not caring if anyone saw
[Given the scene, overwhelmed to the point this doesn’t intrude into her thought process]

Hesitation. Akira was hesitant, and for all the right reasons
[Repetition, Author Intrusive Telling]

it seemed like one other had the same idea
[Other what? You have a lot of people in the scene, but never described Ryuji yet]

became clear to him.
"That son of a bitch...!"
[“him” is not identified, last identifier given was Akira. It would make sense to give Akira this line, but with it in its own paragraph without any attribution I have no idea who says it and that could change the scene]

she'd make them change their minds
[How’s she do that by running away? If she’s planning on sneaking after them, that’s not what you wrote. This wouldn’t be as big a problem if you’d stop head-jumping, but because of that you really don’t have an excuse for not being clear in what characters are saying, sensing, and thinking]

He has no reason to stick his nose into someone else's business
[That didn’t stop him before, and as you show, isn’t stopping him now. I find them not knowing she followed them more likely than this Akira letting her tag along without any weapons or proof of Persona]

jumped into all these situations that could land him in juvenile hall
[Every one has either a personal stake or blackmail (saving Japan from Medjed counts as personal stake. You can’t have a world if a bad guy blows it up). And his character is pretty open to interpretation. You yourself had him say multiple times “I’m already involved”]

Chapter 7
they were obviously planning something
[That…is almost exactly the wording you used at the top of the paragraph]

Akira intentionally made it so she would come to the Metaverse
[So putting action to his previous words: he’s involved, and he’s putting her in danger]

This might be a good opportunity to teach you something
[There’s been a LOT of game regurgitation. You have so much opportunity to change the perspective, characterize Akira, shift the actions due to his practical behavior, something dynamic. Or just to be concise and tell us they went through the castle]

when he did something like THAT to her
[You reduced the adversarial clash, which made sense, but then pushed things to exactly how the game went and it feels forced. If you change the story (which is cool, that’s what we’re all reading for), let the story change. You could’ve had Ann just walk in with them without the sneaking in a second time, then get separated]

She suddenly felt a hand on her shoulder
[She fell, did he just kneel next to him? Does he offer a hand?]

you would've died
[So either she becomes useful to him or dies? That doesn’t seem like a good foundation for a friendship]

After Ryuji and Morgana explained how they got mysteriously teleported back to the entrance when they were in the middle of looking for Akira
[I think you started writing one sentence and finished another]

Chapter 8
Why would I? You tell me
[Another change from canon, interesting. Also makes sense – Akira knows he has little margins as a parolee with a guardian who expressed interest in FINDING an excuse to kick him out]

Akira suddenly headed for the door
[He doesn’t even say “I got the medicine”? He just leaves?]

prescribe meds after simple examinations
[That sounds like an ordinary doctor. This doesn’t clarify INSUFFICIENT exams]

"It's your responsibility
[Breaking to a new paragraph indicates it’s no longer Tae, but the line doesn’t make sense with Akira]

"What would you recommend
[This scene felt chained to the game script. Your most interesting chapter was 1, which took the liberty to go its own direction. Akira’s initial shoving his way in would’ve led to her calling the police to haul him out, and real medicine isn’t tested to have no effect on people without rare conditions]

Granted he wasn't
She smiles at
[Your narrative is generally pretty good, but some times you jump back and forth in verb tense. Your story should be all in one tense (excepting clear flashback segments), that helps improve the sense of immersion]

Chapter 9

he was returned to the real world
[Well, the Metaverse which is distinctly NOT the real world]

Panther could attest to that.
"Let's just say
[You need more speech attributions. In scenes with only 2 characters the formatting indicates a new paragraph at each paragraph break, but when more characters are involved like the 4 now, especially when you’ve described them all as active, you need to identify who’s doing/saying what. It’s easier for the thoughts with Ann when you’re writing scenes from her perspective, but be consistent about POV when you go that route]

I didn't know you knew how to make them
[Especially as they’re illegal even to possess in Japan, even if there’s no sign of Intent to use]

and she had absolutely no idea
[You spent a whole paragraph describing her awareness of these observations, so yes she does]

"Considering our current position
[No speech tag, which is also missed opportunity to flesh out the scene, give it more of your own vision]

"It's best you don't know
[This is what he’s said twice and she’s still asking. Giving her a vague, less-than-complete description like “a torture room” would have given her enough reason to stop asking. Maybe]

The Shadow then revealed itself
[Not descriptive, and this is a GREAT spot to give an intimidating entrance]

While there are several points of grammar or depiction that I may disagree with, you have a strong sense of characters that I think is good for your progressing plot. If you'd give consistent speech/paragraph attributions then I think that would help as it would also be more opportunities taken to SHOW the scene in play.

Despite all the rave about the amount of athletes, company CEO's, and other big shots residing in the area.
[Sentence fragment, did you intend to link this to the next sentence?]

You'll know what happens if you don't
[Presumably she knows him, so just “you’ll know” is a straightforward threat]

why ride the train when you have the highest horsepower
[Because you can’t legally drive in Japan until 20]

was how sinister their true desires were
[I think “self-serving” is more appropriate, Shido is probably Akira’s first encounter with a true sinister personality]

as an object to leech off of
[as a stepping stone, I’d say]

wanted to remain as unostentatious
[I’d think inconspicuous]

Chapter 2
No point think about
[thinking]

They serve as wardens here
[When you’ve changed the velvet room from a panopticon to an abyssal plain, why are they still ‘wardens’? I’m not seeing them line up]

Shelving his hands into his pockets
[Shoving]

They were wearing a white
[1: they is plural. 2: Even at a medium distance, I thought the skirt was plainly visible, so with body shape Akira would have room to guess female]

If one were to sum up her life
[Fragment, but this also isn’t a summary of her life. It’s snatches of the rumors about her]

Chapter 3
"I cannot be bought, but I can be stolen with one glance. I'm worthless to one but priceless to two
[Interesting path to take, but some more description to clarify whether it’s familiar (like Ann’s) or unfamiliar could’ve helped. It wasn’t until well into his DIRECT interaction that I understood it was Ann and not an original character. This should’ve been clear early, especially since you indicated they both made strong impressions so it should be easier to recognize the other’s voice. It’s further complicated by the inconsistent indications of what a Palace is (and its denizens), is it the ideal they WANT, or is it what exists DESPITE what they want? A compliant Ann would fit a Kamoshida who desires her, but a resistant Ann would fit a more accurate view of the world – problem is, they’re pretty explicit if palace rulers had an accurate view of the world it’s less likely they’d have a Palace]

he noticed a woman leaning against the edge of the glass with his back turned to him
[with her back? Also, this being Kamoshida’s castle, it seems remiss not to describe what she’s wearing. Flamboyant, frilly collar dress? Cognitive Ann and her bikini? Brown peasant tunic? Something entirely new?]

"I can fill a room or just one heart. Others may have me but I can not be shared
[Interesting riddles, they’re small but give a distinct flavor to this interpretation of P5]

according to what this ruler thinks of me
[Kamoshida thought of her as an aquiescent trophy, that’s not what this riddler is]

thinking illogically led to logical conclusions
[Not in any world I’ve ever seen. I think you either have an extra prefix or are missing one]

He sounded like the absolute scum of the Earth
[I’m pretty sure with a list that long she’d start to find it an amusing caricature]

"...Lies," she whispered
[WHY? This always bothered me in the game because there never seemed a catalyst]

Devote yourself to your training
[I’m sensing a lot of regurgitation of repetitive game text here]

Why would I want
[Why isn’t he saying this? It would make more sense for him to interact than hang back in a desperate attempt to keep strictly to the game script]

Chapter 4
he had a good heart
[Telling – just Show it. This comes across as the story goes on, but it’s counter-productive to bluntly Tell us this]

...
[This describes NOTHING. Even in breaks of dialog, people are DOING something. The majority of human communication is nonverbal, we’re all throwing out gestures all the time. Tension around the eyes or at the neck, angling the shoulders or hips towards (or away), clenching the jaw. There are thousands of things that both flesh out the scene and help make your characters seem more active]

game; a pproach an
[spacing, but semicolons are also best avoided in narrative. They’re used in technical writing to separate lists but can only be used in writing to separate whole, independent clauses. In those cases a period does just as well]

It was clearly a toy gun… It almost looks real
[These look mutually exclusive]

until he eventually listlessly fell
[passive, hampers the sense of tension in your action scene. To maintain, you need sentences and paragraphs as short as possible to typographically reinforce the sense of movement]

Not only can I not run anymore... the track team is gone too
[I normally like novelizations, but this is looking like a regurgitation of the game script. Isn’t there any differing perspective or variation due to your own interpretation of Akira that can breathe some life into the scene? At least with the game WE are the ones in control. In narrative the characters need to be more tightly woven together in the scene to keep things dynamic]

Shelving his hands into his pockets
[1: that’s not shelving, 2: there’s still a bunch of guards from your last description. I tackle a scene like this with foreground/background action with occasional crossings in Castle’s Tall Tower. I think the best solution is to focus on one area and have lulls in that sequence provide glimpses into the ‘background’ action so Akira could, while still facing off guards, encourage Ryuji]

That's quiet sharp
[quite]

I heard she's an absolutely meow-velous girl
[Since the cognitive one didn’t show up in your telling, how does Morgana have any idea who it is? This is the ONE real variation from the game script I’ve seen yet in the chapter and hence it’s the only thing that I find interesting]

how one person seemed impossible to approach
[From what you’re describing, it’s not that Akira is distant but that he’s an unknown for her to be cautious of (and distractions keep coming up). He treated her decently and stood up for her in front of Ryuji, so she’s got clues, but she’s got to REALLY trust someone to bring them into her confidence. With Shiho almost out of the setting, Akira’s the only shot she’s had for sympathy and support for a long time]

that empty expression
[I’d think it would be an analytic or penetrating, if he seemed empty she wouldn’t be interested because he’d be even less than the average person]

barely managed to score a point against the teachers
[I would also assume most teachers aren’t that good at volleyball and Kamoshida’s carrying the team]

the teachers offence
[teachers’]

*Smack*
[Unhelpful, undescriptive. This also adds backpedaling because you are clear below]
Kamoshida had just spiked the ball square into a student's face
[THIS on the other hand is descriptive, it’s phrased passively with “had just” but is very clear]

feigning the compliment
[This is Telling – and it’s relevant and short, so that’s not necessarily a bad thing. However, you have opportunity to develop Kamoshida’s character. Is he terse? Flat tone as he fights to keep a neutral appearance? Is he openly mocking?]

Kamoshida was filled to the brim with rage
[Telling – and jumping from Ann’s POV to jam this information at us. If he’s angry, there will be MANY signs. Tense posture, clenched fists or jaw, glare, quickened breathing, maybe bloodshot eyes. Paint the picture for us, don’t Tell us or it’s like stopping the film and narrating what the movie should be Showing]

It was 14-13 for the soccer team
[They’re playing volleyball, who’s “soccer”? I thought it was teachers vs students here, and you never mentioned soccer before]

transfer student was actually not half bad
[You’ve Shown he’s Very good. If you’re in Kamoshida’s POV, he’d see and know that because that would make Akira a threat. “not half bad” is a dismissive reference if nothing was at stake]

He stumbled back
[Last name given was Kamoshida. English formatting means any ‘he’ is him until you give a new identifier]

You can still play right
[There is little chance they’d keep playing with a student bleeding – much less broken nose. Blood means the chance for blood-borne diseases, and no school’s insurance would allow casual contact (even beyond Japan’s tendency to cleanliness obsession)]

fell face first into the floor
[If he’s falling backwards, he’d fall on his ass, not face]

the crowd erupted
[I hope this is reflected in their attempt to get info – this would be a significant legitimizing change in Akira’s reputation. Even with Kamoshida being central to it, he’s made volleyball a prime component of Shujin reputation and life so anybody good at it would receive extra consideration, even if subconsciously]