What an interesting concept! You definitely turned a lot of expectations on their heads

Amazing story! Although I have to say that I’m really sad about the way things ended, but I guess not all stories end happily. This story has so many valuable life lessons embedded in it that made it so worthwhile to read until the end. Thanks so much for the time you put into this story! It turned out great!

This is really good. I must say that there are some spelling mistakes, but the story is rich indeed.

I just want to say i loved you story even if it broke my heart, i can't believe that this is the end but i know is the right end, but as i say it broke my heart. I love the develop of the stroy and the character. A great story thanks for this story.

Chapter 4
He'd been finally slain
[People aren’t often buried unless they’re dead, and slaying is a common way in fantasies]

I found something
[You didn’t describe him as present in the scene, much less taking part in the search]

way to break the Cycle
[Vaatu had one of those: destroy absolutely everything]

He shrugged. "The graves
[Her response indicates anger, but this description indicates neutrality. If he barks at her or does something else to sleight her experience that could create precedent for her to be unhappy with him. Otherwise we have her caution and enthusiasm, neither of which would make a loyal professional grit her teeth]

to let him pass
[She isn’t going to take the message herself? In almost any monarchal society, the standard is more in the Persian style to keep distance from the revered high leader]

Pass~"
[Pass—”]

the Dragmires overthrow
[Dragmires’]

If we staged a revolution the people would never accept us
[Why not? Revolutions are all about changing the focus of the populace]

Chapter 5
by a eerie
[an]

Instantly the mantra worked
[Mantras work over time, doubt isn’t snuffed in an instant]

frowned automatically
[-adverb]

was always considered near-heroic in Link's eyes
[Author Intrusive Telling. Give it to us in the phrasing/manner the POV character would perceive it]

shoulder again and…man again
[repetition]

At the moment, he would walk
[You’re dropping into Author Telling again, which is distracting. Is he actually found out? Is he just imagining what might happen? As long as Servion doesn’t say anything, nobody should know because nothing else would change]

her eyes; instead
[. Instead]

a knot she hadn't even realised it was there
[You don’t get to say this when the last page was entirely this worry]

She knew of a lot of wealthy families
[No she doesn’t, and the number of times we get impersonal Telling like this pushes us out of your narrative. Show us at the market, looking up at two nobles in carts looking at ledgers instead of each other, frowns on each one’s face]

happy that he was home…always wanted to remind him of how much she disapproved
[These are contradictory. However, such self-defeating actions are taken by real people]

Waves of heat baked the streets
[Sounds like summer]
melting the ice
[Nope, heat in the winter when there’s ice around is comfortable]

smell of decay assaulted their senses, but they were used to it
[If they’re used to it, it doesn’t assault their senses. It would be detected. “assault” implies overcoming standard barriers of will]

the half-hidden door
[But wouldn’t a door that looked legitimate (not worth notice) be even more valuable than a disguised one?]

decay like uncooked meat
[In the winter? I didn’t think their heating and architecture were advanced enough for significant decomposition to occur. Even now, in many rural communities a pedestrian lost at the side of the road will freeze and remain ‘preserved’ until the spring thaw]

where she had met
[Wasn’t Kafei male? If you mean someone else, we need clarification]

Blood dripped to the carpet
[Not after hours with the fires out in winter]

torn now, and dyed red
[Given the number of cultures that practiced hair dying even before the chemical era (and the game has every hair colour under the sun), the lack of direct reference to blood implies she dyed her own hair and might not have been involved in the massacre]

that Kisho concerns
[Kisho’s]

off the more 'dirtier' end
[-more]

crossbow up from his belt
[He walked into a kill mission without having his weapon out and ready? That should’ve been done before racing inside!]

Action had melted
[-had]

tiny grooves within the bowstring
[The bowstring doesn’t have grooves, the body of the weapon does]

deflate everytime he
[every time]

the raider would
[raiders]

Link spat, trying to remove the coppery taste from his mouth
[This implies Link is bleeding, but he hasn’t taken a single blow]

making him believe it
[Telling]

where were the rest
[Shouldn’t he be fleeing? You point out the squad is gone, but this violates the earlier idea you tried to build about one cohesive unit]

I think you have a fairly original world and like that you give distinct personalities and believable motivations to most of the characters. However, you have a LOT of passive construction (especially in action scenes where this hurts the flow) and some Telling. You succeeded in picking one distinctive character to focalize each scene from, keeping that in mind as you write should help you Show instead of Tell the unfolding narrative. You also slip into Telling that contradicts earlier portrayals or general rules about the world and society, I think you want to make a point but it’s counterproductive.

The attack against the ‘raider house’ for instance made no sense. Mystral said she’d be in a neighbor’s across the street and your story portrayed her as conservative, tending to stay in familiar environs even when it would be better not to. If that is the house Link attacked, he should’ve recognized the area. If it wasn't, we needed clearer description it was in a new area. The lack of noise also doesn’t fit a surprise attack: civilians tend to scream, shout, moan, but you explicitly stated silence when that runs contrary not only to the real world but what you painted of YOUR world. Why would anybody bother to attack it? The Harkinan house I could guess, at least that has political rivals, but an uninvolved civilian home? Not for trained commandos, those forces are too expensive to waste on ethnic murder.

in crouches then
[, then]

something had stirred
[The “had/was/were verb” is a passive, weak construction. In general you should avoid those three existence verbs to strengthen your narrative and make it sound more active]
comrades that was close
[comrades close]

He'd proven himself
[He proved]

nothing more than an idle distraction
[He’s new and the smell of food is a powerful coercion. I’d think that no matter his discipline he’d detect the sweets or savories and push them aside (if he’s disciplined)]

people who were blissfully unaware
[passive, with an adverb only adding to. Adverbs have a place, but have a better impact when used like exclamation points: sparingly. They tend to be passive, Telling instead of Showing through strong, concrete terms]

he had spent
they had handled
himself had taken
life had been
time he had spent
He was eager
training had taught
[passive]

he barked
[As they’re trying to be stealthy, shouldn’t he use hand signals like they have in special forces since the iron age? You mention it from his compatriot, but Link would have to have learned the basics of Signing by their first mission]

amount of attention
[They just “decloaked”, shouldn’t this be saved for the killing blow? If they ever need to be seen at all? I don’t see why they don’t all stay on their birds of invisibility]

he was drawing
[drew]

crossbow, feeling the drawstring tighten with a twang
[They generally release with a twang, it can take several seconds for advanced lever-action crossbows invented late in the Rennaisance (prior to the goatsfoot lever it could take half a minute for a strong man using his legs to pull it), and arm-mounted crossbows working on some screw mechanism have been proposed but could take a full minute to wind]

knew he had made
[passive]

lacked in the atypical assassin grace
[typical]

quivered as he spoke in his deep tones
[Does he close to lean down? You don’t specify their relative positions]

Aren't assassins supposed to be hidden at all times
[Yes, that’s why historically their favourite method was poison. Bombs now if casualties are the focus and getting one specific person is secondary]

flare of orange light as the arrow was propelled
[Why? It’s not a rocket, and even if it was it would probably either sit on a sled or be set off on leaving the crossbow]

sword that had taken
[took]

mechanism clicking as an arrow was readied
[passive, but I’ve only seen one crossbow with a magazine and they were used in China’s Iron Age, the “chukonu”…and huge. Not something swiftly wielded by an assassin]

companions were witnessing
[witnessed]

He felt himself be brought near
[passive]

others started to walk away
[What about the crowd? Or not being followed/identified? They should scatter]

lights were shining
[shone]

find the most finest
[Double superlative]

it had sprouted
Gerudo had asked
had only permitted
summers she had been
[passive]

becoming increasingly frequent
[repetition]

time was nearing for
Impa had heard
she had long
words were spoken
as she had the old
[passive]

I would hesitate to hand over
[Then why not contract it to an intermediary until the next worthy candidate appears? Granted, that system’s not perfect either, but it allows skipping an unprepared king]

there was ice
[Is this a sudden (magic) development? We still don’t have a firmly established set of rules as to how this world works]

tears of that everyone else had to endure
[tears everyone else endured]

Montero the assassin
[Does the king not have a standing army at all? Only assassins? I wouldn’t think an immature prince would make a good assassin]

leg was biting in its pain [also awkward wording]
He'd heard stories [Even in contractions, existence verbs can hamper the sense of presence, drama, and action]
that the Kokiri had
he had once
Anju replied softly [Adverbs are often passive like existence verbs. Here ‘whispered’ or ‘hissed’ would be more concise and active]

She hissed, her eyes gleaming
[These details seem to contradict each other]

and quickly shook
[Outside of comedy like Animaniacs, I don’t see head-shaking as a fast thing, especially when you want to convey facial expressions with it]

spun his mug of water
[Mugs more often hold alcohol in societies before the confirmation of germ theory and subsequent sanitation to combat diseases like cholera. And ‘under age’ is something questioned even in legislated societies]

the mob
fell
[unintended break?]

himself had chosen
had been travelling
dresses that she made
Link had been too
sun had begun
They'd been set
Link had stood
bandits had laughed
warriors had sprung
himself had stepped
He'd been taken
She had learned
[passive]
this past four seasons [these]

Life wasn't any more easier
[-more]

Chapter 2
Thirty summers old and not yet wed
[ Does this indicate that she’s an adult by her society’s standards? Years are often avoided in the zeldaverse because there are so many different interpretations of lifespan of the elf-like inhabitants (many fanfics treat a hundred years as not out of childhood, some treat them as equating exactly to humans). Previous mentions of his sister indicated ‘little’ and I presumed]

She said it unnerved her that he could watch her unnoticed
[Well, it does seem to be sentient and capable of passing judgements]

no one noticed as Sheik walked
[After an apple-quartering stunt from a person shot from a cannon, nobody watches the guy/girl who did it? I don’t buy that]

a distracted stated
[state]

to be a dirty Hylian
[Unprovoked racism. This is a heavy handed way to show the designated villain of the segment]

Chapter 3
pushing the memory away
[But it’s not really a memory (recollection of past event) as much as a vision, is it?]

They would like nothing better than to slit your stomach
[To rule is not the same as to destroy and uproot, though I suppose she’s distracted by the child king’s intemperance]

a Gerudo once enslaved our people
[And William the Conquerer seized England, that doesn’t mean the following government didn’t do any good or couldn’t have been a legitimate government. I could also point to the People’s Front of Judea scene in Life of Brian where they start this same ethnic/nationalist rhetoric, then end up going on to acknowledge the infrastructure and security developments under Roman rule. Granted, good governance looking over the people is not generally part of a fantasy feudal society, bloodline is]

and aiming it at the Chief
[Wouldn’t countering the claims and bloodlust be the more effective move? I know he’s not a strategist, but by responding to mob rule with sudden action he’s only sparking a powder keg, countering its leader’s arguments topples its momentum and gives rationality a chance to reassert. Granted, he’s young]

scent of her perfume clinging
[Wait, she has perfume? While certain aromatics were common around household openings, perfume remained expensive to the industrial era because it was and is a luxury item]

Chapter 4
he had wandered
He had tugged
they had angrily
his sister had
face had scared
She had hugged
eyes had made
[passive – and a lot for just 1 paragraph. This is why I recommend you look for all “had verb” in your story and change them, because this hurts your pace and audience investment]

she wouldn't let him out of her sight, panicking if
[She would have to let him out of her sight if she panicked on losing him]

now prodding his mind
[She’s telepathic?]

again, and once again
[repetition]

other people there…intricately constructed
[People are not constructed. Statues can be, and you go on to describe equipment that can be either wielded or represented in statues]
curved wooden bows, ancient relics
[Wood bows are still used NOW, if these are statues they might be ancient. If these are living people bows are NOT ancient relics]

knew them to be too expensive
[While he has a steel crossbow which probably costs 40-50 times what a simple longbow might]

unclear whether she was male or female
[You described it as ‘her’ multiple times, if he was uncertain we should’ve known this above]

arrow flew, the accompanying orange flare
[Arrows don’t have flares. Crossbow bolts don’t even always have fletchings, and if it shoots rockets as well they’d be expensive in this preindustrial society]

snapped his arrow in two and embedded itself at the tip of the dot
[If it hits the bolt shaft, it would have to be further off bullseye than his shot]

in the wrong!
[Is this his thought? It’s not formatted as one, and it lacks a question mark]

here; instead people
[Semicolons are best avoided even in technical writing]

dust tickled her nose and the heat of the light stroked her cheek. She sniffed, the musty smell of old parchments distracting
[Good use of multiple senses]

Montero glanced up
[From where? This character was not introduced. Him stepping around a bookshelf and holding out a scroll or something could help bring him into the scene without implying he wasn’t present (as not mentioning him does)]

Then they had come
[So why didn’t we see this scene unfold? It would give you an opportunity to introduce the characters involved as well as flesh out the setting. As is, there’s too much backtracking]

A captivating story. Good characterization. I have to say I didn't like the end all that much, but it was still worth the read with the ideas you conveyed. With the ending however, I didn't think you did justice for Zelda's character, by not giving her the chance to fully know the new Link after he became the Bonyard warrior, so her character feels incomplete with your ending.

Ok, I'm confused by the last part. Is Sheik Zelda? Or not? Or is there a different princess in here?

Well. First things first, I've scrolled past your fanfiction numerous times, refusing to read it, but today I finally read it in its entirety. It was well written, and managed to hold my attention, something most fanfictions do not do–especially ones of this length– but ultimately I must admit that I did not like this story. Yes, I enjoyed reading it, and your writing carried the story well, but I just didn't like it. This is merely personal, and you do have a talent for writing, I just disliked some of the places your plot went.
Good job for making a well written long story like this.
-Sheikagal

Was death otherwise awesome

I loved it. It was an amazing story and you have a way with words, you really do! I'm just so sad now...I feel really empty somehow. That's why I like to read stories with a happy ending...nevertheless, this was great, thanks for sharing :)

Coolio.

Kinda long.

hi I'm ikki and I like what you gawt.

Wonderful story, really one of the best one i have read in a while. I love the fact that you weren't afraid to kill people off, made me get sucked into the story so to speak. Oh and character development was very well done. I'm really impressed with this, keep up the good work.