Awesome!

This is practically perfect in every way. It captures all the emotion. It flows well, and it broke my heart into thirteen million pieces.

This was great! I love this kind of poetic feel to it, and though this was upsetting at times (just from the theme of the story, despite knowing that Leo isn't actually gone), it was very well done!

I do agree with your other reviewer; that one negative sentence was rather odd. But overall, this was excellent. Great job!

Oh my! i agree, this is much improved from Candles, the flow is nice, so is the order of events and thoughts. I like this very much! Good job!

Just one tiny thing, the sentence "percys fatal flaw isnt loyalty for no reason" seems a bit weird... maybe not use the double negatives? Like "percys fatal flaw was loyalty for a reason (and you could add "after all" if you want)"
it doesnt actually matter that much thats just something that i think migjt work better? I try to stay away from usuing negatives but ofc thats just something personal so thus is just something to think about if you want, both ways of writing the sentence are fine!