dtill359 here, stopping by from the Review Game.

Dialogue: Reading through the story, the dialogue flowed well. I didn’t notice any awkward spots or things that seemed out of place. Of course, I don’t know these characters at all, so I can’t comment on whether the content of the dialogue is in-character, but you stayed consistent throughout the chapter.

Characters: The most prominent character in the chapter is Scott. I got the sense that he’s a very bold person most of the time (i.e. starting a bar fight with aliens.) But when his biotics act up, I got the sense he’s uneasy about it. Though I’m not sure what biotics are exactly, I feel like you’ve made it clear enough for me to understand they’re integrated into his body and he has at least some measure of control over them most of the time.

Vetra was interesting to read too, even though she only got a little bit of “screen-time” here. She seems the type who offsets Scott’s brashness. They seem a good literary pair.

Writing: As for the writing style itself, it was easy to read for the most part, and I didn’t find myself doing a double-take every other sentence like with some other pieces I’ve read recently. It was nice. A couple things I did notice on the read-through were:

1) Some unnecessary telling and filter words here and there (i.e. seemed)
2) Repetitious elements:
- “He spoke one word. ‘Whiskey.’” We can see he only said one word.
- “leaned his back against the bar.” “Leaned back” might be sufficient here.
- “stimulation he’d been searching for.” We already know this from earlier in the chapter.
- “crossed over her chest.” Most people don’t cross their arms over their back.

SPAG: Just a couple things stood out. Toward the end, the paragraph, “The door to medbay opened” is missing a “the.” Also, in the third paragraph, “reign” (to rule) should be “rein” (to pull in/up). Also, I was wondering as I read through – and this might just be my lack of canon knowledge here – but usually alien races’ names are capitalized, at least in most of the things I’ve read they are. Does “Mass Effect” not do that? Like, should “krogan” not be “Krogan”?

Enjoyment: Overall, I really liked reading this. It wasn’t super long or drawn out. I felt like it did what it was supposed to do. Great job.

Hi, I gave you a review for chapter one yesterday for the review game. I know the review quality is perfectly acceptable for the Short Review Game, but I feel I rushed through it. I'd like to make up for it by giving you another, more through review for this chapter. I'm sure you won't mind an extra review, at any rate. :)

You continue to show Ryder's "terrible, no good, horrible, very bad day" in this chapter. The rancid water the smells at the beginning. Others poking their noses in Ryder's personal business and then blaming it on him. ("You turning me down. Does that mean you and the asari are a thing now?" We're meeting to talk business. Stop making this about you, Pathfinder.") He's also not even sure he can trust Reyes, one of the (men/robots, etc.?) on the mission with him. ("And you are sure your intel is right? asked Ryder. This was Reyes. He'd stab you in the back just as easily as he would fund a medical clinic.)
And to add a cliffhanger at the end of the chapter, while simultaneously adding more to Ryder's terrible day. (SAM has lost his connection to the Pathfinder.)

Once again, you do a good job balancing descriptions vs. action and dialogue as well. The phrase "The stench of rancid water," at the beginning of the chapter is an excellent example of that description. Other examples of this include: Heat engulfed him, burning his exposed skin. And: He stood with his feet planted shoulder with apart. Chest heaving and sweat dripping his back like an acid wash, he saw the Charlatan struggling up from the ground.

Action sentences like: Ryder jumped to his feet and charged at Reyes... Reyes landed sprawled on the ground, several metres beyond where he once stood.
Are also great.

The one thing I think you might want to consider in this chapter is varying your sentence structure a little to add some variety to your writing. It's something I noticed you did in your first chapter, but not in this one. For example: Ryder rolled onto his side to spit out the thick sour phlegm in his throat.
Could be: Rolling on his side, Ryder spit out the thick sour phlegm in his throat.

This sentence: Ryder clenched his jaw, drew the steadiest breath he could and looked at her.
Could be: Clenching his jaw, Ryder drew the steadiest breath he could and looked at her.

I know if you change the order of the subject and predicate too much, it drags your flow and creates a lot long sentences. But if you do it a few times in a chapter/scene, it can really make your writing more engaging to the reader.

Hi, reviewing chapter 1 of “Scott Ryder and the Terrible, Horrible, No – Good, Very Bad Day,” for the Short Review Game. Completely fandom blind, but I’ll do my best.

I think your opening is very good. It’s quickly introduces your main character, it’s engaging, and it quickly establishes some of the problems that Ryder is going to have in his “terrible, horrible, no – good very bad day.”
The voice of your main character is also very clear through out the chapter. A grumbling robot (or possibly cyborg?) who interacts with others of his kind to do a job (which seems to be partly administration and partly fighting enemies or criminals?)
I think your writing is also very engaging. You balance it between dialogue, action, and description very well.
Your ending is a good cliffhanger, too. “Is it too late to return to the Milky Way?” has an ominous feel to it, which adds to the suspense of the end of the chapter. It also adds to the impression that Ryder is STILL having a “terrible, horrible, no – good, very bad day.”

Hi there, here from the WA Review Game. Also, I'm highly experienced in the Mass Effect Andromeda universe having Platinumed the game on PlayStation 4, so I can offer you some fan insight! (Smiles)

I feel your opening could be better established, even if most of your readers most likely know the universe this is set in. There's a great assumption here that we know where exactly Scott wakes up, when in fact there's absolutely no mention of where he is or even a hint until he bumps into Gil. Since Gil usually resides on the Tempest, that's where we guess Scott is, but even that's still no guarantee. You mention a mess hall early on but that could be on the Hyperion, or even on the Nexus... there's a lot of mess halls. Definitely need more description to add flavour to your writing. Try a more indirect approach, lay breadcrumbs for the reader. Describe the hum of the Tempest's engines, or the squeaks of the space pet. The light of SAM's hologram on his desk... It really helps paint the picture of the location for those familiar with it.

There's a lot of passive-like sentences in here. Straight off the bat, 'He pushed off the covers, sat up and put his feet on the floor' and 'the mattress gave way under his weight and he met the floor' make my eyes glaze over a little reading such plain descriptions. I know there's only so many ways you can say things, but maybe add a little flair to it. Describe the cold floor meeting Ryder's feet and making him wince, for example. Even him swinging his legs over the bed is better than just putting his feet to the floor. Try adding a bit more variety and life to your writing.

I really love your clear enthusiasm for the space-faring setting of Mass Effect. Describing the cytogenics and electrolyte replenishment has me squirming in delight. I really enjoy people throwing in techno-relevant terms, it's like adding spice to the whole setting. You've also got the characters very much in-character for those who know them. Everyone sounds like how I imagine the should and it's quite a treat to hear their voice actors in my head as I read each one of their dialogue lines. Big kudos on that!

Your grammar and spelling appear very solid and I don't really have any complaints on that front. My biggest suggestion to you is description, description, description. This reads a little too close to a stage play script without the extra set dressing. What you do add is quite wonderful, such as describing ice coffee fading from importance in the twenty-second century. You don't need paragraphs of detail but even notes on how the team move as they interact with Scott would add much needed flesh to the otherwise good bones of this. Maybe flick open a book close to you to see some examples of setting and character interaction?

I hope you found this helpful and I hope you continue to improve your craft on this story. You have a very good Ryder voice! It would be great if you could expand on it.