Ah i enjoyed reading this in one day
It is really interesting and cool to see Ten Ashen ones
I thought it would be lame but no
It was great
Lots of dialogue, different personalities, lots of lore and back stories, jokes, secrets, and plots
Then you have descriptons of scenery, people, combat, and emotions that are good
I really love this story
It has so many layers and details
I thoroughly enjoyed it
The old man’s story is sad and Osdain too
I feel bad for Aroth but damn he is acting like an asshole and i can see why but it is kinda weird
Adding the little girl who is kinda crazy but bery much traumatized is interestinf, but i have not formed a complete opinion
I love the assassin and Volke and Grydon
They are amazing XD especially the personalities
That goes for every other character too but i really like those three and some others
I want more of this story tbh
Oh yea u did forget a Lothric Knight
To get to where the two or threebig hollows with axes along with the dogs
There is a lothric knight with a spear in the way
Also
They explored stuff
So where is the Estus Shard and Greirat’s key?
And i really dislike the way Aroth is acting atm (i know i said that) but its not much of criticism but more of an opinion
He is usually kinder but i guess what his brother has done to him would make that happen
The mimic thingy
It was funny yet big oof, i feel like there was a better way to do it but well
Your characters are different people so rip
Oh and i am unsure if i told you or not
But Ten Ashen Ones? With their mysteries? And lapses and memories? Very very fuckin cool

Alrighty, boyo. I have finished reading this story entirely and am ready to give nothing short a full honest review.

Firstly, I want to say that I love the idea of having ten ashen one's seeking out the lords. Its not an something I've seen done before and has loads of room for possibilities. But as I read on I was kinda disappointed in the execution of the story. Starting out, I actually loved the personalities of some of the characters. Especially Aroth and Carra. When the first thing a guy says when he wakes up in a coffin is "Mwahaha, I really Ardent now" it just makes him one of my favorites instantly.

Unfortunately, their personality's and my interest in them are kinda ruined by the incredibly forced exposition that goes on through out the story. You seemed to have fallen into the belief that every. single. thing. needs to be explained about a person to understand them. It would have been better to save some of this information to be revealed later. Show a little bit of their personality through their actions and words, so I can get a little interested in them before you tell me who he is, where he came from, what he did, why he hates his brother, how many brothers he has, what his homeland was like, how he felt about his father, how hard he trained, what happened to his household and any other minute detail about his childhood. This was all only from Aroths's backstory in chapter eight, but it gets my point across perfectly on how needlessly informative it is so early on. Sometimes less is more. The only thing missing here is his mothers maiden name.

But you jumped away from this trend heavily in chapter thirteen with Carra hitting Aroth. I LOVED the way it was handled in the beginning. It defined Carra's character through actions and not words or exposition. She wanted her ember, she's has a hot temper and so she acted to take it back and didn't much care what the others thought about it. This was awesome and immediately caught my attention and made me interested in where her character would go from here. But then you immediately took two steps back right afterword's. Killing her using a mimic was a little harsh in my opinion, but hell, I was all for it just to see Carra's reaction towards the group completely betraying her trust. But you just pretty much forced the plot and all the characters to look at her as if she was at fault. Not to mention that you pretty much stop her character from behaving in any angry way what-so-ever to seem less rude? How about a little lasting resentment towards them or something? You just got eaten alive. They aren't long time friends and their not newbie warriors, so why is everyone acting like their a close family?

One more issue that bugs me about the story is that you keep attempting to force some sort of familiarity about the world on all you charecters. For example, what was the point of Aroth and Amon being related? Because to me they might as well be the same person as there is not really much difference or effect to the story. Adding that two individuals are related doesn't add any layer to tension or drama to your story. Especially when its just suddenly sprang up from out of no where for no reason like with the naked swordsman, which kinda made me lose interst in him entirely. Also, neither does shoe horning in a character saying "Ugh, I think I've been here before, but I can't remember." You don't need to have them knowledgeable about everything in the world for it to be fun and interesting. Let them wonder about what something is or where it came from for once.

As a final comment, because i know this reviews getting way to long, I'd like to say please don't try too force the story with made up plot convinences. "Oh my, a little girl who Amon happened to save long ago and she worships him like a hero. Incrredible." I know its not exactly fair to say this from the one chapter she was in, but that girl is literally nothing more than a plot device to say that Amon is a nice guy. Not to mention that you force Aroth fullt out of character just to make him seem like an asshole because "My brother was a dastardly fiend and cannot be trusted under any circumstances. Its all part of his plan." Him and Amon have been nothing but buddy-buddy this entire time, but now he's just fuming and ready to kill a kid multiple times all of a sudden? Thats just forcing a plot, not telling one. Why not have the Emma recognize Amon or have him drop the ball by telling things to the others about Lothric that someone couldn't know unless they were familiar with it? Anything but this needless "Upset brother" thing.

Of course there are a lot of positives to this story that I liked not just negatives, but as I see this review gotten kinda long I think I'll end it here. This is all just my opinion by the way, so feel free to take all of it with a grain of salt.

Just my personal opinion, but these last couple chapters felt bogged down by conversation. Chapters 9&10 were a great blend of dialogue and action, and it really drew me in. However, I could barely keep focus on all this talking, especially when the Ashen Ones were just repeating what the reader already knew. I think it would help to briefly summarize moments like these, so you can keep the story moving along without breaking the pace.

Your dialogue is always interesting and colorful, but too much of it makes my eyes glaze over.

Beaten by a door. That was hilarious.

Carra is quickly becoming my favorite of the group. Can’t wait to see her when she finds CBV and becomes OP.

“... each of the ten undead.”

Aren’t there only seven at this point? Also, your sentences keep ending abruptly. This story’s good, I wanna read the whole thing!

This is a great start, I love how easily you can identify the classes and environment. The dialogue and characterization is well-done too. Besides a few unfinished sentences, my only gripe is that too many character’s names start with A. Four out of five characters have similar names, which makes it harder to distinguish them. Even so, their descriptions and personalities are strong enough to set them apart. Looking forward to reading the rest.

Great story, nicely written, good characters, but you wanted some useful feedback... So maybe it's only my pc but sometimes your lines just end in the middle of a sentence, doesn't make much sence. Also in Ch13, Osadin and Volke leave the group to distract the dragon, then Osadin somehow joins the group to help killing the Lothric Knight, then he teleports back into the tower to open the backdoor and has amnesia about the knight. Maybe read once more over your story after finishing to avoid plotholes, also that line editing.

two chapters in one day impressive

Nice chapter

Alrofs axe and armor is the dragon slayer armor huh cool

Welp. Yeah, you got a good tale wrought. I like it. It's written nicely, with the right modes of speech, but...A slightly longer chapters to each step along the journey that this is filling out would be nice.

This is amazing. The onion knight coming out of nowhere made my day. Well written. Love how you potray the characters. And i hope to see more of this

~Tiran

Really amazing story. I love your style, the pure quality of the "medieval-ish" dialogues and narration (don't know if you would call it that, english is not my first language), as well as the sheer ocean of different adjectives when referring to the characters. At first I thought that having 10 protagonists would be too confusing and hard to manage, but so far you keep each of them very unique and nicely traceable in the action. This is probably the best DS fanfic I have ever read, plz keep up the great work xD

Quite an interesting story so far with 10 unkindled keep up the good work