bruh 9 years

I killed Satan and danced on his grave while getting drunk with god and sleeping with his daughters

A mystery can be a good hook to keep a reader interested in a story. This isn't a mystery, this is a gorgon's knot of convoluted stuff that makes very little sense from how much is kept secret. There's no real attempt to explore or expand Harry as a character so literally the only thing the reader knows for definite is that he's the Master of Death and is playing a long game con to save the world. Nothing else.

It wouldn't be too bad if the story had been written from the point of view of the DxD characters with Harry as a mysterious friend/family who came into their lives. Heck, rewriting everything from that angle and going into detail on the impact Harry has on the events and in-depth character explorations would allow the mystery to be kept while having something for the readers to enjoy. As it stands, there's not enough description or character moments to pull the reader in and the main character is a distant spider spinning his web in a story that doesn't give any clue what the hell is going on half the time.

So you intentionally skipped the riser arc the arc that progressed a lot of things in the story like i dont know the fact that issei beating riser was what made rias fall for issei in the first place so yea please think about how you are going to replace the original story progression before you decide to put in inconsistencies and completely disregard one the most important elements of a book or story. PLOT DEVELOPMENT!

Interesting chapter and plot and idea

Guess I'll stop here, no point staring the next arc as this isnt getting more updates.

Anyway, I like what you've done with the characters from the dxd verse, quite a lot actually. Making them more serious as a whole worked really well and was especially noticeable with Xenovia and Kunou, though i also noticed it with Ravel a bit, and Issei and Kiba. I assume this was done to differentiate them from their original selves in the original world, but if not it worked well regardless.

As far as the actual plot goes, i found it both well done and poor at the same time. I think overall, the idea of Harry somehow getting stuck in a time loop, and then the world ending, and him now being in an alternate world and having escaped the loop is a cool idea. And i think the actual plot elements you introduced were interesting and compelling.

That said, i do not enjoy the style in which you wrote this story. In something of this nature there needs to be both give and take when it comes to introducing and revealing mystery, both big and small, to the reader. And obviously the rate away which mystery is introduced needs to exceed the rate at which mystery is revealed, both to keep the readers compelled as well as to keep us constantly guessing.

However, in this story, there way far, far too much mystery introduced compared to the rate it was revealed. And the problem was that a lot of the time the new mysteries would build off of the old mysteries, ones we readers still were in the dark about. This lead to what i feel were supposed to be big, impactful moments instead turning into confusion or falling flat.

In fact, while your author notes constantly said that readers could skip the interlude chapters i found that to be horribly misleading advice because the interlude chapters were where the vast majority of the answers were revealed.

If you ever read this, go recheck out the beginning of chapter 26, where Harry meets the Harry Ophis made and starts to recreate concepts. That would have been an absolutely excellent introduction to the entire story. Or maybe something to start chapter two with. It was just very hard to appreciate and empathize with Harry because i really knew nothing about him for most of the story. I wasnt invested in him, if he succeeded or not, because i had nothing to base my expectations on. Everything he did, everything he manipulated working out, all the grand spells he cast... just didn't have an emotional impact of me. Of course he was going to succeed, he's the main character and theres nothing in his background to say otherwise... because i didn't find out *anything* about his background until 26 chapters in.

I think overall, my enjoyment of how you wrote your characters, as well as my enjoyment of the overall concept, made up for how much i didn't like how this story was formatted. But i really feel like this could have been far more grandiose, in a good way, if you hadn't gone overboard with the mystery.

I don't know I personally think the story is to convoluted messy Wich makes it hard to follow . Personally I don't read to make my brain work I read to relax
You are a good writer could be great but dumb down the mystery and puzzle pieces that are just to scattered to make sense plus your not conveying any character I can connect with by not getting into any personal life's day to day activities thier thoughts and fantasies hope and dreams ..of course o know cannon but this is your story and characters but so far they are nothing but backdrops

Ok confused as fuck the description should have been better

This seems extremely well written and as such im assuming you two have the events mostly planned out. It's definitely intriguing and i love a good mystery. But hooooooooly shit does this also look convoluted as all hell. I know this was intentionally written to be disjointed but if the following chapters are similarly disjointed im going to have to unwillingly give this up. JK Rowling's version of time travel is one of the worst ive ever seen, and if this story is built on the back of multiple overlapping applications of time turners, I'm just unwilling to try and make my way through that. Guess we'll see what happens.

honestly i dont have a clue what is going on in this story so far. it just keeps skipping around and doesnt really explain any backstory so im basically lost in the sauce. it seems like it could be interesting if it was more coherent and i actually knew what was going on :/

So overall fun story. Wish we saw Harry's reunion with Ophis before you took a hiatus from this story though.

This both made sense in that its a decade after Sirzechs meeting Harry and doesn't because it skips around too much.

I can already tell this will be a fun read. Grayfia huh.

I don't really consider Shitori a fake name.. It's just the Japanese spelling and pronunciation. I know one guy that goes by Davido in Japan simply to make it easier on the locals, since they can't easily pronounce David.

Heinrich Cornelius Agrippa, Zeoticus Gremory’s only known Peerage Member (assuming his wife isn’t his Queen), is what historians would refer to as a ‘contemporary’ to Nicolas Flamel. Meaning he was born within 150 years of the date on which Nicolas Flamel was born and is famous for very nearly the exact same things as Flamel is, meaning that the Evil Piece System had to already been in use long before Harry was even born. The problem with this is that the Evil Piece System was invented AFTER the Great War and was specifically what got Ajuka his position as one of the Four Great Maou.

The Great War therefore MUST have happened before Harry was born.

As an aside, the day Harry’s parents died, as declared by J.K. Rowling in the seventh book, conflicts with the age she gave to Nicolas Flamel in the first book to the point that if his parents had died when Rowling says they did, then Harry should have been at least 16 or 17 years old on the day he first learned he was a wizard. Whenever someone points out an error that could be solved with arithmetic, Rowling quickly defends herself by saying “I’m bad at math” or some derivative of that statement. Unfortunately there is a name for such what she’s doing when she says that, it’s a tactic called “Ignoratio Elenchi,” or a Red Herring in English. She’s trying to distract us from finding out why such a situation might really have occurred.

What really occurred, is she likely didn’t bother to look up what year is attributed to Nicolas Flamel’s birth. It’s 1340 by the way.

And that’s another thing, MacGregor Mathers (correct spelling), is another person who would have had to be made an Evil Piece before Harry was born if the dates J.K. Rowling is trying to employ are correct. And let’s not forget that Ddraig and Albion were “oot and aboot” as they say, up until the conclusion of the Great War between the Three Factions.