Nice. Thank you for update

Why was chapter 1 repeated here? Otherwise, this is a great story.

I liked this story! Wonderful so far and it's very well written! Good job!

I like your story. I mean wahou, I rarely read about male insert OC but this one is a piece of gold. Haru is so...i don’t know. I like him very much. He’s a darling. I don’t see the thread of your plot for now, but I like the change you have made with Fugaku being the Hokage. I just hope freaking Danzo to DIE.

Oh and I like all the religious thing too!

Hullo xD

I’m back for chapter three, so let’s just jump right in, shall we?

One thing I’ve noticed so far is that each chapter seems very detached from the previous chapters, to be honest. There doesn’t seem to be a clear link between them as of yet, and by chapter three, the story should be introduced as opposed to it coming across so fragmented. The most I can piece together is that all these characters you’ve introduced so far are somehow linked to the lady who gave birth in the first chapter, but since then, there hasn’t really been much to create a narrative, so to speak. I would also recommend pulling back on the uses of terms like [second born son] and [son of their older sibling] as it just feels clunky and creates confusion. For instance, [son of their older sibling] should just be nephew.

I don’t know what to make of the first section in general, as it just seems rushed, like the first draft that needs filling in. There’s a conflict here, but I’m not invested in the characters enough to care about their fates, because there hasn’t been that depth created for them to make me invested.

So, we are ostensibly introduced to our villain for the story, and while it is rather mysterious, it’s also a bit of a missed opportunity. As a reader, I see the fox spirit talk about holding something and get the idea that it’s powerful, and then we get the new guy giving the reveal, but it flattens because, well, who is this villain? What has he done? Even masked, we’re being told he said something and had a Sharingan, and I feel it would have been so much stronger for the scene had this all been shown in the first scene.

-Ciao Mate

Hullo xD

Right off the bat, I like that this is a flashback in that it seems to be establishing the world a bit more. I would offer that when writing, it’s preferable to write the number in words to add consistency, so [1 year old] should be [one-year-old]. The hyphens are because you’re referring to a person by their age, so it’s one term, rather than referring to something being one year old.

I like the manner in which the mother and son are interacting, but I have to question the precocious nature of the kid given his speech – it sounds distinctly older than what a one-year-old is capable off, and if this is a canon-specific thing to these characters, I apologise for bringing it up. If it isn’t, I think aging him up would add to the realism of the scene. In terms of grammar, there are similar issues regarding commas and periods with regards to dialogue in this chapter, but I’ve touched on this previously so won’t dwell on it.

I think you do capture the nature of a toddler believably, especially through the use of things like whether or not Hana will love him less when a new baby joins the party. The diction here and use of fragmented sentences make it seem a little rough, and I think that works for the tone you’re going for to a good extent. It also seems a bit childlike in that, as it is in his mind, they don’t really function in full sentences.

[In the morning… of it] – This sentence needs restructuring and rephrasing.

From this scene, I’m getting the feel of stillbirth, and I think it’s captured nicely from the POV of a kid in that they likely don’t understand the full weight of what’s happened but will notice the little things that are happening. It adds a natural innocence to the tragedy, and this endears the other characters to the reader.

To a certain extent, I wish this chapter was longer and had more added to the additional flashbacks – it just seems rather rushed in terms of setting up the character, and in my opinion, it read as quite jarring. The dialogue heavy nature of the scenes also makes it hard to see more of the characters as there is very little in terms of setting, and I would recommend fleshing it out a bit more and adding some meat to the bones.

-Ciao Mate

Hullo xD

Here for The Room, and I have to give a brief disclaimer that I am completely fandom blind regarding Naruto. To say I am fandom blind is an understatement, as the most I know about him is that he is blond and has an orange tracksuit. That aside, let’s just jump right in, shall we.

The first sentence reads as a bit clunky, and I’m not quite sure what the meaning is here. Are there two people in the scene, or is the midwife her sister? I would recommend rephrasing it to make the meaning more clear.

She has a very bold character, I must say, and I quite like it. Her voice comes across very nicely, and I get a very Spartan feel from her; she’s a warrior of some sort, and has a dash of “old military” in her. It gives her a very unique point of view and characterisation. Also, damn warrior lady, 8 or 9 babies? Dear god, that is just torture.

[Why with most of them] – should be – [What with most of them] In that same paragraph, the sentence regarding the walls feels repetitious, and while it’s not grammatically wrong, it reads awkwardly.

[Have to think about it,”] – Should be a period. Commas are only used in dialogue when there is a speech tag attached, and this is stand-alone dialogue.

It comes across as a bit relatable that she’s forgotten name for the child, because let’s be honest, who would be able to think of a name after already naming 8 other kids, or after going through a birth so difficult it involved her flipping over. The sister scene was quite nicely done, but I’m confused about the [midwife sister] – If I were to see my brother, a doctor, for medical, I would not refer to him as doctor brother, you know? It would either be his name, or as the doctor, or as the brother. There’s no need for the constant repetition of all the roles.

[“Oh, then have him draw some… Kushina, for dinner…] – should not have that second comma, as that turns it into an aside, and it isn’t an aside.

[His own yes open] – [His own eyes open]

I quite like the dramatic cliffhanger at the end, and the gory scene of the baby just toppling to the floor with the cord still attached sounds… slightly unrealistic because shouldn’t the midwife have cut that before leaving, but that aside, it paints a fantastically vivid picture. And, then there’s the question of is she dead or has she passed out, and I suppose one just has to take the bait and read on for more.

-Ciao Mate

Haru is a reborn Ōtsutsuki isn't he?

Hi, writegood,

Here from The Room’s Reverse Tag. I’m not familiar very familiar with Naruto but I’ll do my best. I’m going to focus on two aspects of your story with what I hope will be a helpful critique.

Presentation:

When someone is scanning the Naruto fiction list, the title of the story may be rather off-putting to some readers. In fact, my first thought was that it was somewhat reminiscent of John Norman’s Gor series after the first few books. Fortunately, you deal with that issue in your disclaimer/author’s note at the beginning of your story, but that might be too late for some readers who might have a tendency to pass the story by without even opening it for something seemingly less objectionable. You probably ought to put that disclaimer in your summary to avoid the possible turnoff and thereby attract more readers.

The summary itself is a related issue. A summary is like a baited hook that is there to snare your readers to give you a chance to reel them in. The first couple of lines do a nice job of that but the quote that follows may not be quite as effective. While it may be perfectly clear to Naruto fans, it’s probably at least a little confusing to those who are fandom blind. In addition, it appears to have a grammatical error that might also turn away some who expect the summary to be an example of the quality of the work (“...and villages [must be?] eradicated [razed? Eradicated is usually focused on biological elements, species, etc., whereas raze focuses on constructed works and often includes their inhabitants in its usage].”

Finally on the presentation front, there are some grammar issues or typos that make parts a bit difficult to understand. For instance, in the second line,

((This child one, unlike all the others, was most difficult of all.))

“One” seems out of place or might possibly be the wrong word. Is it the “one child,” the “child won” [which still needs another change to make complete sense], or something else? The past two clauses seem to conflict, too, which might cause enough confusion to discourage some readers.

Another example in the third paragraph is the use of “woman” instead of the plural “women” as appears to be intended. Incomplete sentences in the closing paragraphs are another. One or two can focus attention and give emphasis, but the technique shouldn’t be overused since it has a tendency to become distracting and begins to look erroneous.

That said, there really aren’t as many such issues as might be expected considering that English isn’t your first language and it generally improved in the dialogue. A beta reader might help you improve your story’s grammar and spelling making the overall presentation better for your readers.

Plot:

Aside from the presentation issues previously discussed, I like the story that you’ve started. We see the birthing of the new baby boy and learn a little of Chifuyu’s background and her mindset. She seems like a very tough woman in a tough world but she’s down on herself for accidentally allowing herself to be “weak” during a time when she doesn’t have as much control as she’d like. There was a bit of humor, too, when in addition to forgetting how many children she’s had we learn that this wasn’t the first time she’d forgotten to choose a name.

Things seem to be getting under control after the birthing is complete and Chifuyu even retakes control to plan a dinner for the next evening. However, the excitement ramps up as something happens with the child as he seems to exude power, affecting Chifuyu and even the midwife. This happens at the end of the chapter leaving us to wonder what has happened and what power the child has. Is this the rebirth of the person promised in the summary? This is a good hook to get your readers to continue on to the next chapter.

In summary, there are some presentation issues that can be addressed to improve readability and hopefully help you attract and retain more readers. Once they get into the actual story, you have the start of what might potentially be a very interesting plot. Best wishes as you continue it.

The only question I have is how would fugaku be the hokage if he hasn’t been replaced or chosen a new clan head. He would have to make someone else the clan head and Itachi is clearly too young to be the clan head.

Okay. Now I'm damn intrigued.

Wow! I like the story so far.
Please update soon

I wants to see more of this.

Ouh.. you've been bold in chapter 1.

Nice. This is easier to follow.
Now I'm interested. Though I'm wondering where is the OC.

P.S. Take your time, and remember, do you. Enjoy yourself. I can be a picky reader at times so don't mind me. At the end of the day, this is your story.