I enjoyed reading this fanfic

Ok. I’m confused here.

I think this is before starcraft 1, like several decades. But Zerus is a fossilized desert? Where are all the primal zerg? Why is Nova even there? She probably wasn’t even born, she was only 19 years old when Wings of Liberty started.

In fact, why is Nova chilling with a few scientists and marines?

Why is a ghost canister rifle harder to carry than a gauss rifle, which requires power armor to hold and control the recoil?

Why can ghosts take out battlecruisers? That doesn’t make sense. Might as well give the marines sniper rifles and never waste minerals and gas on battlecruisers?

Like I’m so confused. How do you understand basic paleontology and atomic physics(which is actually pretty good), yet completely mess up the timeline?

It’s been 6 chapters and 9 thousand words, yet Your character hasn’t shown up at all. The summary lies. It’s not a story about the “Chosen one” who’ll save humanity by himself, it’s a cute story about his dad happily getting married and digging up primal zerg fossils in some alternate dimension. And his last name’s Raynor, it’s really... creative and original.

Sorry about all that. I really needed to get that off my shoulder.

Ah... more Raynors to populate fanfiction. I'll credit you with writing interactions between them that are relatable and cute.

It's the 4th chapter and the main character still hasn't been introduced, instead he's opting to tell the story about how his parents met. This is a risky maneuver because you have to consider the important question: is this exposition necessary to the character and the story as a whole? Will it define the character's personality and influence his actions throughout the story? If it works as a set up that'll create the main character, then it must resolve quickly and be crucial to defining who your character is. Otherwise, it's just another cute story about parents who may or may not die tragically.

The place sounds sleek and chrome like the future 21st century humans like to imagine, given the transparent cylindrical glass elevator and such. Starcraft wanted to give fans a "used future" where everything's rustic and has a "junkyard" feel to it. Maybe the architecture differs depending on the wealth of the city?

Oct 17, 2562. The story chronicles the early years of the Terrans, yet the actual year is set decades beyond SC2. Wings of Liberty didn't start until the year 2504.

Thoughts from Chapter 3.

Is this Mengsk the same Arcturus Mengsk?

I would assume that the leaders on Earth and Moria are naturally expansionists - you can never have too much of a resource and everyone wants to advance technology. This creates confusion because Mengsk doesn't look like a villain, but rather a champion of humanity. Is he a villain because his calls for expansion are aggressive? Is he abusing native aliens and stealing their resources? Humans generally have no trouble taking something that doesn't belong to anyone. Free planets just means more land and resources and starting colonies is comparatively cheap. Imagine the colonization of the Americas.

The causes of war should also be considered. Why do the people of Tarsonis care? Would Mengsk consider if it's worth it to declare war on two planets and Earth's entire power base? Would this argument be more worthwhile debating through diplomacy than shooting guns, since it's just about expansion? Why not take control of Tarsonis and colonize space without Earth and Moria, and thus slowly become more powerful without starting a war he might lose? Unless he's just simply power-hungry?

A few more nitpicky things.

Photonic drives - this is a drive that works like a sail. A laser of photons pushing against a specialized sail. I find it interesting that you chose this very specifically versus Starcraft's warp drive, and I ask: why? It's not even close enough to reach light-speed, and requires lasers stationed on planets or other ships to push the sail. Unless you mean something entirely different, please explain.

There's generally two different ways Starcraft fanfics write battles. Do you like to write battle like how the game works, or from a lore-wise perspective? Take the ghost for example. In game, we see them lockdown entire battlecruisers and snipe tanks with ease. But Starcraft already establishes that its story is VERY different from the game. A squad of cheap marines shouldn't be able to easily gun down a trillion dollar battlecruiser, a floating fortress. So would it be so believable that a tiny EMP grenade shot from a ghost's rifle can lockdown an entire battlecruiser? Or that a ghost's rifle can do enough damage to tanks, even if it can pierce the armor. You'd need... a LOT of bullets, and it's even harder to imagine how a C-10 Rifle bullet can fly up high into the atmosphere, pierce battlecruiser armor (which is designed to resist other battlecruiser fire), and do enough damage to disable the gigantic engines. Things like this will DESTROY warfare - why spend so much money on battlecruisers when you can just give any soldier a C-10 rifle?

Unless you want to play like the game does, then that's fine. Just make sure to point that out.

I see you’re writing a new story. I’ve read your writing, it’s neat and organized. There is room for potential, and I want to talk to you about your approach.

The story’s summary promised the story of a young teenage boy who will be humanity’s last hope against an Alien threat. I believe your first two chapters are meant to espouse the Terran’s beginnings, and you’re doing a well enough job grasping at universal knowledge. I must warn you, these two chapters of exposition are misleading. The wording suggests that this is in the POV of the main character, but you need to introduce him almost immediately, within the 2nd chapter at the latest. I recommend condensing all this history into the first chapter, then introduce your character at the chapter’s end or the 2nd chapter.

The story implies that the economy faltered over protests regarding genetic manipulation. That’s usually not enough to damage the economy. Farmers won’t stop farming and companies won’t stop building smartphones just to complain about ideologies. The world will do its best to go on, and it takes more serious issues to halt the global economy to catastrophic levels.

I must also warn you about “Chosen Ones”. The starcraft story reached its happy ending through the efforts of many characters. To say only your main character can save humanity is a sell-out, it removes narrative stakes for every other character that exists in the same world. It may be better to promise how he will decelop and help save the world, not how “He’ll defintely save the world”.

There are also some minor aspects that can be improved, and when the story finds the right track, it may succeed, I’m available for discussion and help.