Continue, pls!

Continue, pls

it wouldn't have been wrong
[You use a lot of run-on sentences. When you break from one topic idea to the next, you might want to break to a new sentence so you don’t have confusing stream-of-consciousness blocs]

One of them was young and male
[The way you phrase this, those details don’t apply to the other. But you don’t describe the other. You describe the action, the blades clashing, but there’s so little clarification of the characters involved I had no idea who was involved until over a page down with Goro and pages later still didn’t know who “older man” was. That confusion meant I never got into your scene and it felt very tedious instead of exciting, I wanted the obligatory action to stop so something could make some god damn sense. If I don’t have a clue who’s involved, I don’t care what happens because nothing’s at stake]

he'd expected, death at the hands one of the Phantom Thieves
[Disagreeing with yourself in the span of a single sentence]

stop the bleeding or else he'd bleed out
[repetition]

Chapter 2
Haru was kind, unfailing kind
[repetition]

a fit Goro had found
[feat, or thing?]

content smile. "I think it's
[Source Mixing. You name almost everyone in the group, Goro being the last one identified before this line marks it as his. It’s not until the next paragraph that you indicate it was Makoto]

rubbing the sifrs of the door
[?]

private exploring the two boys
[runon, you really need a sentence break after Exploring]

made an acceptation
[exception]

far to stop, if I die
[Another runon after Stop]

just decent enough to be doing all of this just for shits
[Did you mean too decent?]

How much more are you going to hurt them
[Problem is, long-term Goro’s safer killing them. Are ALL of them supposed to ignore him killing their fathers and mothers? It was nonsense the way the game tried to play “poor Goro” not thirty seconds after he tried to murder everyone]

making himself at home in Akira's bed
[Is this a time skip forward or did you mean something else? They’re still at the fishing hole]

Chapter 3
he kept his turbulent hidden
[Grammatically that should be turbulence, but even that doesn’t quite fit the sentence. Inner turmoil?]

make ends' meat
[ends meet]

he walked into the building
[He’s already in the building, I think you mean back into his suite]

I was wonder if
[wondering]

dead-in in one
[dead end]

to be quit
[quiet]

he began to feel sick to his stomach
[I find it difficult to believe this is the first time Goro’s thought of Shido killing him. Granted, he might have pushed it off, but Goro seemed too intelligent not to have at least had the idea even if he lacked the emotional maturity to grapple with it. The change here would be his inability to shy away from the thought]

somewhere done the line
[down]
not why decided
[you?]

FOR VILATING OUR CONTRACT
[violating]

won't sale you out
[sell]

Chapter 4
when its convient
[convenient]

had a gamblers' spirit
[Number disagreement, ‘a’ is singular but s’ is plural]

various vases around the wheel shattered like fine china
[Good action throughout the scene]

Recovering his wits Morgana
[wits,]

from Sa's sword
[Sae’s]

Ryuji's leader jacket
[leather]

two take up a snipping positions
[-a, sniping]

have the gust of
[gist?]

one popular version of him has a habit of using holographic projections for quick getaways
[In mythology he used his helmet to make himself invisible. Not that he couldn’t disguise and shape-shift as well if *him giving birth to Sleipnir* is anything to go by]

Chapter 5
The whole gang was assembled here
[The whole gang which includes the party who planned to use a known compromised Goro to identify Shido]

The same one I've been using to cause the mental shutdowns
[Why would he drop this bomb when they haven’t processed “Goro’s not against the PTs anymore” yet?]

arguable all fo east Asia
[arguably all of]

whatever anyone feels will until Akechi's finished
[You left out at least 1 word but I’m not sure what it should be]

Akechi-kin, please
[kun]
underneath the rung
[rug]
his phone cut hom
[him]

let me make up for my failure
[I don’t see any way he’d want to take the chance. Wouldn’t another flunky be an acceptable sacrifice?]

sound like a fair deal
[sounds]

"You may be at peace
[There is no attribution for this dialog and you’ve got a room full of active people. I had to read several paragraphs down before guessing this might be Yusuke’s]

Goro had grown accustomed
[This is about a page after he shouted at them in public. A public of phantom thieves, but still]

butterfly that had sunk
[snuck?]

you want from?"
[me?”]

Chapter 6
Haur-Akira
[Haru]

they'd found blood
[How do they know it’s not someone else’s?]

somewhere slowly bleading
[bleeding]

he was no lease built
[less]

don't have your phone with you
[That’s convenient, but if he doesn’t have it, wasn’t the phone destroyed in the fire? That means he’s lost the Nav]

to hauls the bleeding
[heal? Halt? And how serious are the burns, because anything other than first degree would be easy to spot even at a distance]

Wondering around Tokyo
[wandering]

Chapter 7
steak out like a sore
[stick]

and poodles of liquids
[Unless there was an outbreak from Gary Larson’s boneless chicken farm, I think that should be puddles]

He'd scouted so of the shops
[No idea what this means]

The struggle lasted for barely half a second
[Even a stab in the heart would take longer than that to kill. A sleeper hold takes between 2-4 minutes depending on how healthy the target is and what point in the breathing cycle you catch him in]

be too coinvent
[convenient]

his triple paddy burger
[Unless it’s made of rice, that’s patty]

he probably was
[The average person can go for weeks without eating. Goro’s hungry, but it’s ridiculous to insinuate he’s literally starving]

that's hundreds of miles across the city
[The urban heart of Tokyo where P5 takes place is less than 15 miles across. Navigating it would be difficult without a map app, and he’d need a train ticket if he’s outside Shibuya-ku where the Yongen train stop is, but the distance wouldn’t be the problem. Tokyo being one of the top most surveilled cities in the world would be]

Goro wasn't sure he had the patience
[He doesn’t have the patience to catch mass transit rather than walking through crowded streets for much longer?]

The idea of Goro making a different choice is interesting. But there’s a lot of typos, run-on sentences, and contradictions that might be small sentences in themselves but break the sense of immersion.

I can only tell you one thing, man.

Bravo. Just Bravo.

Akira is a fake & gay name, joker is a weak trash please erase him from this story

Ey, it's Kei Nanjo and Philemon! Should've seen that coming with the SEBEC peeps and Velvet Room history references, to name a few, yo! And Goro went freaking awesome with that public reappearance, too! Oh yeah, I was also researching about P1 and 2 some more recently, and I wonder if Kei has Aizen Myouou or his butler Yamaoka as his Persona right now? Then again, should that even be a question if he doesn't seem as likely to go into battle with it right now? Anyway, just thinking of these older characters, especially the snarky ones, as mentors for the younger ones has just been getting me excited and all, so yeah, hahaha! XD

Lets hope the plan works

Give me my boi Mishima

This was a fun chappie! I enjoyed the character interactions quite a bit. Gotta say, the thing I'm looking forward to most in the future is the Haru & Akechi interaction. Their dynamic wasn't addressed in the game, but I feel like Haru in particular has a lot more to show than it seems.

Ah, an extra Palace, huh? Considering how you've been writing so far, I've got high hopes for that! Also, sounds like some bigwig heroes from the previous games are helping out! I'm betting on the Shadow Operatives being involved, at the very least, especially considering how Natsuo's been curious about who Rise's boyfriend is. Then again, maybe the Nanjo Group would also be involved, and just as likely is the Kirijo Group reforming its connections with the Nanjo Group for the sake of more benevolent Persona-related activities as well. And stuttering Goro is somewhat weird, but not really unwelcome. I'm also looking forward to antics involving Goro and Yusuke. Bonus points if Futaba also gets involved. Also, by breaking Fox's mind through the next Palace, does Goro mean ending up torturing Yusuke via witnessing Komori's shady editing skills and/or painfully passive personality? Ah, and considering how you've been building up so many added characters with so much crazy awesome detail, I guess I should've seen Akira's parents coming, huh? Freaking nuts, yo~

Amazing chapter, got a big grin to appear on my face once I saw the notification.
It is cool to once again see Goro, Akira and their personas interacting with each other - something I really loved once again was this small budding of trust(maybe?) between Haru and Akechi, that especially made my day.
So far I'm really curious about the villains aswell and who the p-thieves will target next!
I was really looking forward to this and enjoyed it greatly, thank you!

They're all getting along even more, yay! Also, looks like Nyarlathotep and Philemon are it again, yeah? Makes me think of Igor (the real one) sighing and shaking his head as his master and their archnemesis go at it like crazy again, hahaha~ And I'm also finding amusement in imagining the Phantom Thieves finding out about more Persona users who can use their powers outside the Metaverse, though I also worry about how they'll react to finding nightmares in some of them (e.g. the old SEES peeps). And the next target? Would it be Sae but with a more dangerous hostage/blackmail situation, then? And I wonder what the Hashiokas have been doing after all that mess at Shinjuku Station?

Damn, this is one grand alternate scenario, alright. Nice to see the great work on the OCs too! And although this isn't as major as the main premise of this story, would the Shadow Operatives end up having to go into action here more? I've been thinking about what the heck they've been doing with Persona-related incidents of this scale past the whole P4A stuff, and considering how this story's going, I wonder if they're more likely to show up...?

Oh boy! From joy to being in that predicament.

That meeting was funny XD