Not bad at all, I guess the biggest thing I can criticise this story for would be its length since its the sort of thing I would have to read in chunks. It Could perhaps have been cut into two chapters but in what actually matters its a lovely little one-shot. I'm generally indifferent to incest in anime so long as the characters are close in age.
I more in the camp that didn't really think the anime was the best adaptation the games could have had but it's not bad xD, the foreshadowing was a little weird considering the vast majority of people who will be watching the show would already be fans of the game so the reveal will lack some gravity, still if the show made enough money to get another season Ill probably watch it. Overall good job, you do deserve more reviews.