A beautiful story.

Wow, you should write books man. I mean seriously, your details with just about everything are fantastic. Great story too, maybe this will let all those clueless people out there know who Mana is. It's amazing how many people don't, lol.

If you want the game, e-mail me at

I may be able to help you.

Your tale is nice, don't worry about the characters's behavior.

So that's where she's from, I've been racking my brain for days after hearing this character exists trying to figure out if she's in the series or not. Thank you for clearing it up.

Anyway this is a great story, I don't really believe Shinji is OOC, its actually nice to find a story where Shinji isn't all angst ridden and depressed. Great story well written you should be proud of it.

Sincerely,

Phoenix

Very good, I would like another chapter to this. good going and create a Sin/ Mana fic, there is hardaly fics about them. the line: " I always have. And I always will " kinda brought flashbacks about ep. 36 of Robotech when Lisa recited thoues exact words to Rick lol very nosalistic lol. but enough of that, loved the fic, and another chapter is in order here, don't let this go to waste.

Specially for someone who didn't know Mana that well, you did a great job! I like Mana as well, and you did a fine job with her. There aren't many fics about Mana, that's true, I think it's because most of people never played Girlfriend of Steel, or they didn't like the game or the character, or simply prefer Asuka or Rei... Well, but it's good to know that not only there IS a fic about her, but it's also an excellent one

Interesting story! The ending was a bit rushed...but still good. I like Mana.

As for Girlfriend of Steel I and II, they're hard to find...but I did manage to obtain a copy on eBay. Keep looking. There's also a website (can't remember it though) where you can download a bastardized version with pictures and movie clips made with FLASH. The official Tenku No Girlfriend is for Sega Saturn and PSX (the original Playstation) only though.

This was real good and i hope to read some more o yur stuff.

Intersesting.

Glad it wasn't Asuka in very many ways, nicly done to. Nice to see what elso you come up with.

meh

Real good story i enjoyed reading it.

You did fine with Mana. As far as I know, she's the one person who admits that she unconditionally cares for Shinji, so your portrayal of Mana (even with limited info) is more than good.

Some criticisms:

a) Your handling of details is awkward at times. For instance, note that Shinji probably wouldn't write books or go on TV appearances. For one thing, despite people knowing the existence of NERV, it's not exactly your local police department, and it probably isn't public information that Shinji is a pilot (at least not THAT public). Also, it contradicts Shinji's personality; he's shy and introspective, and it's HIGHLY unlikely for him to go on TV. Going through the battle with SEELE, and the subsequent aftermath, will probably make him more withdrawn than ever.

Another good example: If someone seriously hates the Children, they will probably do them more physical harm than just a blow to the jaw. In other words, having the man hit Shinji once and call it a day is being somewhat unrealistic.

b) I wish you would have made post-Eva Shinji's life more... well, I don't want to say "romantic", but I guess it's the best word. I don't mind him working, of course, but his life seems to lack the kind of serenity that I imagine he would want after Eva...

On a more serious note, however, Shinji's post-Eva life is not as in-character as I think it should be. Specifically, it lacks angst. Of course, I am not saying to make him into some super-introspective hermit who's always brooding about his past. However, it's hard for me to imagine him living a "normal" live without some measure of guilt and regret. Not a lot of guilt (translation: don't go crazy making him into, as I said before, a super-introspective hermit), but enough to make him aware of his past and his pains, and enough that he shows some degree of emotional scars.

What that translates to, in execution, is that you should try adding a touch of sadness and loneliness to Shinji in this story. He is too light-hearted and connects a bit too easily to others (aka. Kasumi, Hikari, etc.). While the concept of Kasumi's crush and Shinji's friendship with Hikari are both well-conceived (especially Kasumi), it could have been more touching if there's a gray cloud (due to Shinji's angst) hanging over both. It would also pack that much more emotional punch to his final reunion with Mana.

And speaking of the final reunion...

c) The ending is somewhat abrupt. It could have been drawn longer, but not for the sake of more WAFF. Rather, I think the ending would be better if it has less of a Cinderella feel to it. Again, looking at Shinji's personality, I can't imagine him getting close to Mana that quickly. There'll probably be a period of time in which the two of them are just trying to rediscover what they had, and for Shinji to get over a fear of caring about others once again (after seeing Rei and Misato dead and Asuka rejecting him).

This, of course, would take longer than just an ending sequence. So if you ever want to edit this story and stretch it out to maybe a short 3-to-5-chapters work, this can be a good possibility.

Overall, though, you did a fine job. It is one of those rare stories that deal with Mana, and it's a good one besides. That's definitely a bonus.

This is from a purist point of view of which I am not a part of.

Well, I don't know who Mana is, probably because I haven't seen the movies. I do, on the other hand, know good writing when I see it, and I'm reading it right now. This piece is really well done. Just one thing I had problems with:

Since the piece is in English, everything in it should also be English. I suppose that Japanese suffixes to names (-kun, -san, -sama, etc.) are OK, since they are difficult to translate into English. However, when a great deal of the dialogue in the fic (in yours, almost fifty percent) is in another language that you have to translate on the fly, it really distracts the reader. It would be better if you had it all in English, since that's the language most readers here speak.