Ya... i cant go with percy not having aura here. Toodles.

yo what. i was expecting something, but not raph

Love the fanfiction and I hope you update soon, although I'm confused in where your going with the fanfic. I mean Percy and Pyrrha had a really good dynamic although Weiss and Ruby seemed to be almost side characters, the white fang could have probably been stretched out but I guess there's still possibility for Percy to work with sienna and raphtalia if you continue with the possible Percy testing out every side option or maybe your version of Salem is like a good but dark person instead of twisted dark. I mean when I heard of salems plan to rule as gods I didn't know if that was a twisted darkness or her seeing how ridiculous the brother gods were in cursing a desperate heartbroken girl with immortality after having her watch as the brothers repeatedly killed and revived ozma only to end up both agreeing to keeping him dead and cursing her and then later wiping out all of almost all of humanity and destroying a large part of the moon because the girl was understandably extremely unstable and upset and wanted justice or something and mounted an assault after useing the curse they gave her as proof of what they could give and do but didn't and don't. And I mean really cursing her because she went to his brother and that brother agreed while the other didn't is bullshit. I mean if reviving someone is so bad why would the dark brother do it in the first place. I personally think the light brother was just butt hurt she got what she wanted despite him denying her and I still don't know why the brother agreed to keep him dead or punish her. I mean she's clearly desperate and in distress and the person she bases her life around just died. I mean everything she did up to her gathering the army to attack the brother gods can't really be held against her due to her state of mind nor did she do anything that I can say is wrong in any way other then leaving out that she already went to the brother of light but even that is probably just due to her not seeing it as relevant. And her gavering an army to attack the brothers is a direct result of them basically torturing a distraught widow with the only thing she knows or cares about repeatedly only to curse her with immortality and leave ozma dead meaning she has no hope for her to be with ozma again and too live forever while everything she might come to care for slowly and repeatedly decays before her eyes. Not to mention after the fact they brought ozma back anyway only for him to forever reincarnate which if the relationship had lasted would of lead to a long series of ozma aging from a KID to his ultimate death again and again With any other family also died before them both probably leading to not only consistent reminders of the the brothers did to her but also further decaying her mental state. Any way I could also see him becoming a freelancer or maybe even just doing constant Grimm hunting, normal hunting and training. you know like Artemis does. Or maybe he might end up joining Raven even if just for a bit... I don't where your headed with this but I just hope you have an idea on where your going. A lot of fanfics get abandoned because while it seams easy to just wing things as it goes doing so usually makes writer skip out on a lot and then stop cause there's no real plot

Booooo! Compared to Percy Jaune sucks. Hell he loser. They will never accept him as a teammate especially not as leader.

That was amazing! Suck it Ozma!

Yes yes you throw jaune out of Beacon! That already making your story better than most. Cuz idiots usualy put main character as 5 member of rwby. Why they doing that I don’t now. When we have jaune most replaceable character i ever seen.

Yeah... this has all been way to fast paced, and the whole soul look semblance is... contrived and cringe. It’s a cookout for why your OC thought recruiting Percy would be a good idea when in reality his story and all would have been a far better explanation with them using him as a front to show even humans who attended beacon can no longer stand aside to see the injustice towards Faunus.

Finally, didn’t remark on the last chapter about right, but Jaune was flown in super quick it seems, like same day and then accepted in just as quick with no “probationary period” for him to get caught up due to both his vastly lacking skills and abilities, alongside the good chunk of schooling he’s already missed out on.

This entire story has been super fast paced and that’s not good at all.

Also, I’m really sad you don’t have a Blake point of view about what happened.

That’s about it, don’t want to become a broken record about stuff or come off as too harsh. You have a lot of food going for you and I’m just better at harping oh flaws than expounding on merits.

Yeah, honestly... you should have gone full OC. Would have been more palatable than Fake Raphtalia. Just seeing the name in text is hard to take seriously, or not fill me with distaste.

Especially as this character shouldn’t be anything too close to Percy as he is... because as we all know he probably isn’t gonna stay with the WF for long.

Also, the dialogue was kinda week in the beginning, with Raphtalia being all preachy and overly defensive trying to convince Percy when he made comments or disagreed. Would have been better with her just showing him wrong than talking about it. Especially as he seemed to cave in and apologize for his statements which were as untrue as hers, that being both had merit.

This chapter was okay. The beginning was strong with Percy reasoning his actions and all, and the reactions of his friends.

That said, your fake Raphtalia was... badly done. The speed in which Percy stumbles upon her, specifically her being a White Fang member, was suspension of disbelief snapping. You ha shin sit down, get a drink, and bam there she is. You should have probably had him be there for a few hours, imbibingnoj some alcohol and letting his inhibitions lower abit so as to make why he was so forthcoming to a stranger more believable, especially as you’ve already shown him to be very cautious.

The thing you’re doing with Jaune as the replacement... I’m not sure I like it. Not at all. Because it really is you clearing that Percy is being replaced, and that he no longer has a place with his friends. The people he’s closest to after losing an entire world of people. Seems really fucking bleak. Not to mention they now have absolutely no way of contacting eachother either. Piled on to this is now it seems with Percy out of Beacon and it’s sphere of influence, he definitely will no longer be able to change the outcome of canon events beyond what he’s somewhat snowballed... which means things can potentially be far worse than canon.

I dunno... it’s gonna take a a lot of good writing to pull off anything in spite of these multiple red flags I’m seeing. I know you have it in you, but not everything can go swell all the time.

I do know this story hasn’t been updated in short a year, so I hope that either as I continue reading you eventually come back to it either as a direct picking back up from where you left off, or a soft reboot where you go back to the expulsion section and take it differently. Because the whole concept and general execution has been good.

Also, do take what I say with a grain of salt. Everything I’ve said is in fact an opinion or tinted by it to some extent. While I’d like to say I have good writing instincts, a good grasp on narrative, and a decent knowledge of both universes... I’m not infallible.

That all said, keep up the good work.

I’m... not sure I like how this went. I can see the reasons why Percy is leaving... but it’s so flawed when you consider the strength of this story being him interacting with the cast. Him leaving is something that eliminates that. Like, seriously. Either he needs to be accepted back into the school after a month or two on his own, or honestly you've ruined so much potential that was built up. I mean honestly, how can his team even function as a 3-man squad without their 4th member and team leader?

It’s just feels super forced, especially the whole politics thing.
You have my benefit of the doubt, but it’s at the limits.

On a side note, I hope Percy starts looking into using dust. Then being shard of super powered elements, him incorporating Wind, Earth, Lightning, Water, and Ice Dust(Maybe in Vials hung on a bandolier on top of his cuirass and a belt as well) could take his combat and supernatural abilities to new heights, like either far more prolonged heavy use, or super empowered massive bursts that are similar to if a full god were to do the same effect.

So, a little disappointed with this chapter. Percy just seemed so... not there. Passive. Canon conversations happening almost the exact same with no changes or additions with Percy there, and I think we all know he’s a bit of a talker and quipper. So yeah, this chapter almost felt like a waste of time reading as literally nothing new happened of any import such as even a offhand comment about Weiss acting like a bitch from what he can see in the past two interactions he’s observed of her.

I was looking forward to seeing how Percy worked with his team at Beacon. But I can respect taking him out to do other things. I am curious about what you have planned so I hope there will be another chapter eventually. This is a really good story and I do hope that you continue with it. Please keep up the good work.

Browsing PJO Crossover fics one night, I decide to binge one with RWBY, a show I’ve never actually watched yet always, from the outside, thought looked cool. The writing seemed competent, the premise seemed well considered, and the potential for new Percy pairings ran deep. What did I find? A decent beginning to a story that, quite honestly, seemed a touch uncertain as to what it wanted to be. Let’s break it down into what I liked, what I didn’t, and the grey in between.

Starting off positive, your take on Percy, while clearly a deviation from his canon portrayal, possessed more nuance than your typical “Edgy rebirth after Tartarus” incarnation, which is in essence the trope you’ve appropriated(and for good reason, as there’s a lot you can do with that premise so long as you’re smart about it). He’s a little OOC at times, but rarely to an offensive degree, and it honestly results in decent dividends when we DO get to see his true Percy charm playing off the rest of the cast. To that end, I obviously don’t have enough experience with RWBY’s cast to comment on their portrayal here, but as I enjoy watching their interactions with one another and Percy, that seems it should count for something. Additionally, your fight sequences are well crafted, a fact that benefits both series on display.

On to the in between, deviating from the canon storyline can make for an enriching move, but only when the end result is greater or at least equal to the alternative. So far, I’m undecided if you’ve managed that here. Some choices have been truly inspired, such as the rearranging of the Hunter teams. Others have been incredibly interesting while also serving to underline the different nature of this fic, for better and worse, such as Percy’s run in with the White Fang. Others still… well, I’ll get to that in a minute. Before that though, finishing off the grey area by noting that OCs, much like canon divergence, can range from inoffensive to spectacular, so long as they’re well considered. This one’s riding a line though, and it’s petering closer to Mary Su territory than I especially care for.

Lastly, we reach the dislikes, and I’m not gonna dance around the question: What is gained splitting Percy away from his team THIS early? The two greatest joys of reading a crossover of this type to me are watching the fish-outta-water(that being Percy) interact with and adapt to this new cast and their differently written personalities, and this new world with its new rules. I get that you’re trying to pander to the second draw, but damn do I not agree with the call. Firstly as I personally enjoy the character aspect of crossovers more(which, to put bluntly, based off of the 12 chapters that I read seems to play more to your strengths than world building/exploration), secondly because Percy had only just started building his rapport with the main cast and already has some soul searching and trust rebuilding before we could theoretically reestablish, and lastly because the dude’s fatal flaw is literally loyalty, making his moral stand a betrayal of his own virtues on top of everything else. Watching Percy playing X-factor to the main cast was my favorite part of this story, and if/when it ever continues, I beg you find some way to allow the main four at the very least some level of sustainable contact.

I was sorry to hear how badly the criticism has gotten to you and your motivation to keep writing this. Not that I’m in a super position to be offering comfort, seeing as I just got done critiquing and all, but just know that I write all this with only good intentions, just as I’m sure you seek to provide only the best through your story. Hopefully most of the rest is being offered up in equally good faith, and for those not… eh, fuck ‘em.

PS: Didn’t really know where to fit this in, but the fact that it’s been a year down to the day since you last updated this puppy is, like, at least 20% of why I’m writing this review. The other 80’s just a testament to how much I enjoyed reading it this evening, though. Serendipity’s a funny thing.

Update please

Ohh after reading this story again I realized you based raphtalia fro the shield hero anime. Anyways looking forward to the direction you take this story