She took the word from Delia a tab bit too seriously. If she had (possibly) killed a high leveled freakin' fire doggo on this form to protect Ash. Imagine what she's capable of doing to protect him when she is matured. Never will I write the cute white fox off as just a cute white fox after this. And somewhere in an alternate universe. A 10 year old Ash Ketchum is constanty taking on and taking down bloody psychos, hell-bent determined to role the world like its just a chore in his regional to do list.

...I could have sworn I reviewed this. Very sorry for the long wait! Can’t believe it’s been two months. Anyways, I just did a reread and just wanted to say how much I enjoyed the chapter! I enjoy your Mt. Moon, especially with how you conceived it as this massive tourist destination. It’s a cool look at what’s normally an afterthought in most fics and very unique. Picturing it as a resort-like Pokemon Center was awesome, and I like the detail about Lance shutting down the mountain as well. Very logical to keep the areas around Pewter on lockdown.

The star of the chapter was definitely Ash and Gary’s interactions for me! You write them sniping at each other very well and it’s great to see genuine respect between them, even if it is underscored by mutual antagonism haha. I’ve always liked vitriolic friendships, and their battle was a great example of that. Very nice to see Titan’s fight - you’re constructing a great character for him and I’m very, very eager to see where his journey leads him! The Jangmo-o fight was cool too. You really sold it as an absolute tank. I loved watching it shrug off so many attacks.

Can’t wait to see you continue!

The thing that drew me to this fic was the presence of Larvitar, the pre-evolution of my favourite pokemon, so seeing you do him so dirty was a huge disappointment. Then there was the battle with Gary which was clunky and made Ash outright incompetent. Why would he just send out his completely inexperienced pokemon who's afraid of everything? This was a huge departure from his supposed prodigy status established in the first chapter, I would've thought he'd at least take into account the personality of his pokemon before deciding anything.

It just felt like you needed to make Ash lose to Gary to establish again that he can lose, so you made him incompetent or more so at least. I've got to admit, this has made me lose interest in the story, which is unfortunate since I wanted to see Larvitar shine and I thought I'd get to see it here.

This is a pretty interesting start, your worldbuilding was well-done and I'm interested to see your interpretation on the rest of the pokemon world. It's a little disappointing to see Ash give up a Dratini for a Vulpix, rare to see a well-written pseudo legendary starter, but I guess that's your premise and your synopsis did state outright what his starter would be.

Hmm. Passing over a Dratini in favor of a Alolan Vulpix? Pretty lame honestly. And then following it up with his very first battle being a loss? Not an amazing start to his journey.

Oof sending Titan out there was indeed a terrible idea. Poor Titan. He'll have to work hard to live up to that lofty name

Glad you're finally back out at it! That must be a huge weight off your chest. Hope the Mt. Moon chapter will come easier for you.

This was a nice chapter. It was long enough that it felt like progress had occurred in the story, and it didn't get bogged down in details either. As much as I like Traveler, the pacing of the arcs can sometimes slow to a grinding halt due to the story's scope being so massive.

I read Word's review, and I think he's got the right idea about your writing style. It can't hurt to try to lean into your technical inclinations and try to turn that into a strength. Elf is more introspective in his style, and I'm not sure that's you.

On that front, I'll bring up specificity again lol, since it's my favorite thing to mention in reviews. When writing, perhaps get into the mindset of a paralegal and try to be as precise as you can when it comes to word choice. For example, you mentioned "bodies of water" up on Mt. Moon - always try to ask to narrow that down to *exactly* what you mean. (For example, lakes or rivers.) It may even end up being good practice for any sort of legal writing you need to do in the future. May even be a good mindset to hone for cross-examinations or the LSAT.

I'll also bring up a writing tool that I've found useful lately, and I'll probably bring up to at least Word in a future review. It's called "spinning down the page." I didn't come up with myself - it was a professional author that I read about it from - and it really helps me figure out how I want my scenes to play out. Like any other writing tool, however, what works for some writers may not work for others. No telling until you try it out.

Basically, I get a notebook and picture the scene playing out in my head, writing the sentence fragments of what I see and notable details as they occur. Grammar, sentences, paragraphs - none of that matters at that moment since I'm just making the "raw content" of what I want. I worry about actually structuring everything later in a more formal write-up.

So an example would be (and this fragment isn't mine since I don't want to dig out my notebooks right now, credit goes to the original writer):

The rain beats down
her grocery sacks are paper
her hair is a mess
she runs for her car
the rain stings her cheeks
her foot finds a puddle
she feels cold through her toes
she cannot find the car
a voice calls out
are you all right
she does not stop
she loses her grip on the groceries
the voice comes again
are you all right
she looks up to see

It really helps me think visually and see exactly what's going on. It also prevents me from doing introspection with zero action - though getting into characters' heads can useful, I usually save that for the later draft. Anyway, might help you out, might not, but i thought it worth sharing.

I like the world-building you had about the resort-style Pokemon Center. It sounds like you drew inspiration from the real world equivalent in Japan, which is cool. It also sets a tone for Mt. Moon as a pristine wilderness that people enjoy as a recreational activity, rather than as something ominous or "just another place on the map." I really enjoy it when people give the places Ash travels through a character of their own. What's the point of having a story where Ash travels the world, otherwise?

Your banter between Ash and Gary was also great. The dialogue is a lot more natural than before, and I think you were right on the money when you explained to me earlier what was previously giving you trouble on that front. I have my fingers crossed that you can create dynamic chemistry between Ash and a few other characters too.

In my experience, that's not something you can control though, just take advantage of when it happens. Oblivion was one of those characters that played off TME Ash super well, for example, to the point that sometimes it felt like he was writing himself.

Jangmo-o was ultimately a great choice for one of Gary's pokemon. It makes a lot of sense that someone with Gary's connections would be able to get rare pokemon, and it gives you a lot more leeway for Ash to get pokemon from beyond Gens I and II if he isn't the only trainer in Kanto that manages that, lol. It's also just more fun to read about pokemon I haven't seen Ash face in battle a million times before.

Last point of con-crit, which is really minor lol, is that I'd advise steering away from referring to Larvitar as a golem. It feels a bit jarring, especially since there's an actual pokemon called Golem. Sometimes I had to blink and reread a sentence because of that. On the subject of Larvitar though, I like how you handled the nickname Titan as a goal for him to aspire to. I also enjoyed that Gary reacted to Ash having a Larvitar - it made the world feel more real.

Lastly, I appreciate that you manage to write detailed battles without dragging them out to the point that they feel like they last forever. In a lot of fanfics, I'm tempted to start skimming the battle sections, but that didn't happen here.

Push onward! I'm betting you'll have a lot of fun writing later chapters, where Ash has already gotten more of a footing as a trainer and has a few badges.

(Btw, you might have a few less reviews than usual because of the whole rewrite deal, and the fact that FFN only lets you post one review per chapter. That's why I'm signed out for this.)

I've noticed something about that these "Ash with a proper start" fanfics. Why is it that when they talk about doing damage to ghost types they always say that "physical" moves in general don't work on them? I mean sure they are ghosts but what they are doing is completely discounting dark types who have a very large array of physical attacks like bite. Now I can see where your going if your trying to go with the original game style but if your trying to do that think of this. Lick is a physical attack that even in the first game was super effective on ghosts. And if you going on the ghost works on ghost logic then how did my Hitmonchan beat agathas gengar with fire punch?

Hi there
I am so happy that you have decided to continue this fix I was almost afraid that you had stopped writing. I first came to know of your fic from matsuezs fic I hope you make this a grand adventure

Have you read ascension by blackstaff its a very aspiring read and I think the authors of that fic would be excellent people to communicate with if you want to cross contaminate ideas.

About the pairing in your fic i would like to say make none that's propably the best way(although I wouldn't say no to Cynthia xD)

Hope to see a grand story ahead

Well then, I thought that I was the speedy blue blur… not so much anymore with how quickly you finished this chapter. Still, it is good to slow down every now and then to savour literature, and seeing as how this is a quiet day for everyone with crickets nearby, this is a good time to chill back.

So let's pull out our whips, open up the treasure maps of Mt Moon and prepare ourselves with a good night's rest around the campfire for another rumination!

-Commentary-

Larvitar being an indestructible miniature dinosaur… hah! I can imagine Larvitar thinking “Just wait till I hit my puberty growth spurt, then I'll be the one cuddling all of you!”

Welp, that is one way to help Larvitar feel less afraid. One of these days, Orion is probably going to get a dose of karma when a bowl breaks on the ground and spoils his food. Still, the veterans are off to a reasonable start with their new rookie partner.

Yeah… after travelling through so many roads on train trips, many places of an area begin to look the same as well in real life. Even so, that was some nice scenery establishment for Mt Moon.

Oh Ash and Gary, you 2 can be so silly sometimes. I mean really, Kalos fashion is obviously the superior choice – they have style and intelligence combined!

Although I jave to admit, a part of me wonders if there is a real Dr Jones within Ambition's world. Not a literal imitation mind you, maybe an original character inspired by Dr Jones. After all, Charles Goodshow of the League himself was inspired by the real-life president of the International Olympic Committee, so it is one way to have fun with references in an organic manner. Keep that thought in mind as a way to have fun in the future.

Looks like Ash needs to start building his own connections if he wants to compete with Gary. Hey, he already earned Brock and Flint's favour, so he already has his first foot in the door.

Alrighty then, let's see how the art of war has grown in this narrative!

…

Well… Ash definitely feels the scars from the Pewter raid – that took guts to sheath his “sword” per se and surrender the battle. But hey, Ash may have lost the battle, but now he has more knowledge to win the war. You'll get ém next time, trooper.

Still, that was a solid battle. It was neat to have 2 different tones between the 2 rounds (sporty followed by dramatic) for variety:
The first battle was straightforward and fun like a classic old-school pokémon battle. I like it because it is an easy opportunity to convey character through choreography in a low-stakes scenario. As I have learnt, it really does not take much to convey characterisation through battle – just a grin here and an eye bulge there is enough to spice up the action,
The second battle was when it stopped being a game and became serious for Ash. That helped add in more character for Ash & Gary by seeing their reactions. Kepp that point in mind for future battle – visible reactions during major moments.

As they say: Curiosity & variety are the spices of life!

For one reason or another, I kept on imagining Mt Moon's Pokémon Centre as the PCC (Pokémon Communication Centre) from Goldenrod City in Pokémon Crystal. Admittedly, this sounds like purely my imagination and I am sure there is absolutely no connection, just that I thought about their sizes. Still, it was a fun thought to throw out there.

Gary, you think Kalos is just full of pansies? Pfft, I mean sure the Kalos games were easier than Fire Emblem Birthright on phoenix mode, but they have a better sense of fashion than your poor man's cosplay.

Measure twice, cut once… darn, that was deep – it sounds nice as a quote of wisdom. As much as I am tempted to use it myself, this is more for Ambition's world, so I will leave it alone as part of its identity.

(Besides, that encourages me to stay on my toes and keep my creativity engaged by thinking of my own quotes).

And so Ash & Gary continue their adventures, now allied together for their trek through Mt Moon. As they say, no plan survives the battlefield – plot twists will develop and chaos theory will flex its muscles, but no matter how much the League's laws threaten to fine them into bankruptcy, they will break new grounds and rise up to their ambitions because Ash has a new ace in his hand of cards: Titan!

-Post-Commentary Rumination-

Overall, it was a nice warmup return to the series. Now we can start training for the next big phase of exploration!

And pretty tight at that – the length was quite tight and brisk. It is interesting to see a large-scale pokémon fanfic go back to a tighter format.

Now that I think about that topic, it is also interesting to observe how the patterns of major pokémon stories have swung back n' forth:
Prior to Traveler, most stories went for small-scaled lengths with tighter chapters. Those were more like movies in multi-chapter format.
Traveler popularised large-scale chapters of colossal length, and this was followed suit by many more stories… until those lengths went overboard and became too draining for readers.
Nowadays, chapters with huge lengths such as 20,000 words seem to be less popular in favour of tighter lengths that are brisk and brief.

Funny how the tides flow both ways… much like a scenic beach! Let's keep going with this tighter structure and see how it pans out across future chapters. In the meantime, the composition structure and length of this chapter worked very well – it was tight in its focus, ended on a very fitting note and has established for the next chapter. Nice work on that pacing!

As for future chapters… no need to worry right now – that is a bridge to cross when we get there, so just put that aside for now. As preparation for that bridge though, I will say it is good to be flexible with word counts and compositional structures:
On one hand, having a somewhat consistent length per chapter is… well, consistent. It helps to build healthy habits in regards to chapter length and encouraging writers to understand the impact of compositional structures.
On the other hand, there are certain events and plot developments that fit a given length more than others. For example, Ash's recovery after the raid works much better with a short and tight length, whereas an exploration chapter through the likes of Mt Moon works better with a more “grand” length.

So yep, just relax and allow yourself to be fluid with both of those points in mind. That will make writing more fun and relaxing.

Next topic… hmm… ah hah, I got an idea.

Okay so in the past, I would pull a Doc Brown – I would bring out an entire room of blackboards, fill them to an overflowing extent and overload information, all the while making everything sound as complicated as possible. You know what I mean by that obsession with sounding complicated – we like to be Tactician Robin and jump straight into the complicated nuts n' bolts.

Nah nah nah, let's put all those habits aside and simplify everything. Instead, I have a game that we can play: Writing Level-Up.

When it comes to manifesting actual chapters for posting, one of the biggest pitfalls I have noticed is an emotional habit: The need to get everything perfectly right… on the first draft. Most writers who are at a highly advanced level are bound to relate with this habit during their career – there is this need to have everything organised and planned out before actually putting pen to paper (or finger to keyboard in this case), hoping to ensure the first draft is also the best and get it right on the first go.

And one can imagine how much that mindset turns writers into paranoid perfectionists.

Here is an example scenario of treating writing like a game of levelling up:
In a scene's first draft, there are some trees here and a bush there… and that's it. Just the bare skeleton. Okay, this is the writer's best for now.
In the second read-through, the writer could look at that and go “okay, trees, trees on a mountain landscape… ah hah, oak trees grow around mountains!”, and so the writer refines that initial description to be more specific. Okay, the writer took their best attempt and levelled it up to a new PR (personal record), now we have muscle and connective tissue.
In the third read-through, the writer takes another look and realizes “wait a minute, if this landmark area of the mountain road is full of oak-trees, then the harsher terrain ahead might have fewer trees!”, and then they go “ah hah! Put in some hedges at the base, a rocky craig there, and now we have an entire phase of exploration across dynamic environments!”. Now we have the organ systems setup and working together in sync.

Then it just cruises downhill. That is when we have a nice body to stylise with clothes, that is when scenes just manifest from an outline to an immersive experience, and that is when we realise just how of a poor man's cosplayer Ambition!Gary really is – he is still a level 1 designer who tried to pull a Robin while wearing little boy shoes.

Starting to see the theme of levelling up drafts one level at a time?

…

Okay, let's leave it at that, now see if you can figure out the riddle of that game for writing application (taps finger on my nose with a smile).

-Closing Thoughts & Conclusion-

Aside from all that, any last-minute thoughts… hm, okay, let's go back to the rival battle for one more look over.

Interestingly enough, this reminds me of chapters 15 & 16 of Uprising because it brings up a familiar point I talked about in said chapters: Expressions imbued into choreography and thereby conveying character through said expressions.

The overarching foundation of the emotional narrative is simply a matter of character expression through choreography – the rest of the elements are just byproducts of that simple rule. That means all elements related to emotions apply in any scenario , whether they be the lowest of low-stakes friendly bouts as well as the most dramatic of high-stakes battles between life & death.

For future battles, try playing that game of writing level-up:
The 1st draft is purely an outline of the emotional flow of the battle in its most simplified format. This is the level of the foundational skeleton.
The 2nd read-through expands on that first attempt by starting to consider how those emotions would translate into choreography. This is the level of connective tissue holding the bones together.
The 3rd read-through starts molding the flow of choreography into tangible actions and reactions between the combatants, giving a basic storyboard of the visual choreography. Now we have the muscles.
The 4th read-through is when we start to have a very clear vision of the battle playing out in our heads, so we revise & refine the general storyboard with specific details. This is the skin & fat.
The 5th read-through is all of the last-minute special effects, solidifying the flow of choreography and tidying it all up for a final render. This is all of the clothes & accessories being arranged on the body.

In short, remember the 5 stages of scene creation: Skeleton Connective Tissue Muscle Skin & Fat Clothes.

Every draft starts off promising and then just keeps getting better and better because we are treating it as a game of levelling up our previous high-scores into a new record.

This is the exact same thing I talked about for my 2nd analysis of Uprising – I would even say this is just me regurgitating the same information from my Art Of War essay, just that I articulated in a different language.

(Hooray for re-using game assets – genius designers we are!)

This is also applicable to any scene for any story – we treat any barebones attempt at a scene as our first high-score and then just keep on raising it higher and higher until we max out our levels. Any questions you might be worried about? Just relax and try out that game first.

So then, getting some fun ideas as to why I came up with that game?

…

But anyways, let us close up here and save discussions on the worldbuilding for the next chapter – I have a feeling that is when we can pull out Doc's chalkboards and sound as complicated as possible.

In the meantime, treat yourself with care, stand your ground with courage for your artistic vision and allow yourself to enjoy creativity like a game. May your hits be critical and your focus blasts never miss.
- Professor Seanic.

Hey man! Hyped to see you back on the train lol, can't miss out on that icy vulpix.

First things first: overall, this chapter was everything it needed to be. Titan was a blank slate beyond "timid" the last chapter and you've given him the rest of the glacier here lol, and I'm excited to see his friendship with Orion bloom after this. Especially with evolution - give me a tiny rapidash protecting a hulking tyranitar every day of the week.

One separate concrit before I go into a stream of consciousness style - you've got a problem with rushing, I've noticed. Understandable, since you wanted this chapter out and gone, but my favourite strategy for it is to let the chapter sit for a day. When you come back to it, add two paragraph spaces underneath every paragraph, then try to add something to the paragraph above. Always a chance you won't need anything, but even a random line about Aurora snorting out mist could be that extra detail needed. You've got a style pretty similar to Essence, actually, now that I think of it - lots of technical description. I'd suggest leaning into that a bit more, since it seems your forte, and that can cover for the more prose-y details.

Ash had some good realistic frustrations with Titan as well, and the bonding moment of getting his whole team in on the action was fun. It's nice to see him as ten again lol, since it'd easy to get caught up in the cycle of a more mature Ash. Although hands down, my favourite part of this chapter was the quips between Ash and Gary. They were so real I could feel them (though I might suggest staying away from current references in the future) and the friendship between them was tangible lol.

The battle was also well-done. Would have liked a little more reason as for why he didn't use Aurora, but the honor code of Gary not using magby was close enough. Orion's attacks bouncing off a very scaled dragon type led to some good frustration and the double knock out was a solid ending. Building on Orion's fragility yet physical strength should be fun - spindly legs aren't great, but diamond hooves sure are lol. Rhyhorn and Titan were good mirror images of each other - both not entirely listening to their trainer, though for different reason, and I imagine Titan will be easier to break out of his shell than pure aggression lol.

Gary and Ash's ending was solid. You did give a reason for Ash going with him, though I think it'd been better if he had shown more trauma throughout the chapter from Pewter. You've got a few mentions, including the nice ones for relating to Titan, but after the throatpunch of the previous chapter it'd have been nice to get more a trickle effect than a shut down. Nice second round of jokes - and yeah, ending there was definitely for the best, especially as he's right about to jump into the next round of death.

So again, fantastic chapter! Super happy to see you back in the game, and can't wait for the next!

So credit where it's due the dialogue feels much less scripted and formal now so kudos for that.

I had to shake my head in disbelief at Ash using Larvitar when Aurora already has a type and experience advantage over Rhyhorn. Ash was right that he is arrogant and overconfident. Never thinking things through and I'm gonna be honest, using Titan felt a little forced. Sure I get not using Aurora since Gary didn't use Magby for a starter vs starter but using a pokemon with 0 battle experience and is still working on their confidence and courage is idiotic.

While channeling Protect through Jangmo-o's scales is certainly a unique and insteresting way of using it. The thing that bothered me the most was Dragon Breath being portrayed as a blast of pressurized air instead of some kind of dragon fire. What prompted you to do that?

Still overall it's nice to see this update

I think its been a full years since the last chapter. Its pretty good, keep it up.

good chap