You should let your reader breath a little, because when I see a text of this length I am demotivated for reading it.

Try to make some shorter paragraphs, and when there are actions scenes it could be better If it was "short and quick" like when you are watching a movie but as well describing it for someone who couldn't understand what's going on.

I hope that I gave you something to help you, even if I am not a writer I read a lot of fics and some are really good ! And a clear writing help the reader to follow the story :)

*hug*

Ps : It's a good beginning though :) ! go on :D