The the frick is this so cuuuttteeeeeeeee

Right off the bat, I can tell this is going to be a good story! However, there are some things that I would like to point out;

1: I think your character is a little too much like Yandere-Chan. She doesn’t have emotions, she has that love-at-first-sight thing going on, and she automatically realizes that this person is the key to unlocking her emotions. I have a feeling that the plot is going to be really similar to the original Yandere Simulator story.

2: There are plenty of grammatical errors going on. For exampleI rolled my eyes at my mother. ‘That brackfist (this should be breakfast) is the most important meal of the , you frequently miss punctuation marks, which is a bit annoying to me.

3: Every time a new character speaks, there must be a new paragraph. For example, instead ofI’m... sorry for... bumping into youshe said nervously. ‘It’s not a problem. After all I was the one who bumped into you. I’m sorry about that. I should be watching were I’m going’ I said automatically.”
It should beI’m sorry for... bumping into you...’ she said nervously.
‘It’s not a problem,’ I said automatically. ‘After all, I was the one who bumped into you. I’m sorry about that. I should be watching where I’m going.’

4: You used “said” a LOT in this chapter. Rather than doing this, you can use other verbs (replied, commented, etc) or even describe what someone is doing while they’re talking. For exampleIt’s not a problem,’ I got up and brushed off some dust which had collected on my skirt. ‘After all, I was the one who bumped into you. I’m sorry about that. I should be watching where I’m going.”

Now, for some good things to finish this review off! :D

1: I really liked how you depicted the school in Rin’s vision. Rather than being all excited about being at a prestigious school, one of the most prestigious in the country, Rin acts more negative about it, pointing out that the students there are “preppy girls” and “stuck-up rich kids”. It makes sense that she would feel this way.

2: You’re able to transition and flow through the story very well, introducing the characters and setting clearly and with detail without going over-board while describing it.

That’s all! I hope you continue writing, and I also hope that you take all of my criticism into consideration! :D

• Echiod •

Love the story and can't wait to see more. Keep up the good work.

Just read through your tale so far and it's good. Can't wait to read more. Cheers

Question who likes who now? I'm a bit confused but it's a very interesting story.

Wow that's really good I'm writing a Yandere story as well but I touched it up a bit. Yours was interesting because you made it your own but you still kept the same people that's impressive. I'm definitely reading more. I thought I was the only one on fanfiction who likes Yandere Simulator.

Wow that was short

Nice job dude. Wonder if they'll team up to get their lovers

This seems really interesting! I'd totally read more.

I have seen a lot of stories trying this concept. I think they all have been discontinued. Which is sad actually. Your Story has a lot potential and i Like it so far. Keep it up ;)

This is interesting update please

This is a good fanfiction, but at the beginning it saya I cant feel anything but then you say you mostly feel anger. You cant feel anger if you cant feel anything. You kmow what I mean? Other then that it is pretty good.

I believe that Rin is a bit too similar to Yandere Chan (Can't feel emotions, is a yandere, bumps into her crush on the first day of school and falls in love at first sight, ect), but that's okay with your first Fanfic! Making good OCs is hard and takes lots of practice, but you'll get the hang of it! And that is actually my only complaint! Keep up the good work!

I loved it. Please continue.