Enjoyed all three chapters (great spin-offs).
Plenty of action but not enough romance/sex.
Need to update for your fans (been over two yeas)

Well, everything's already been said. Nice story over all!

BWAHAHAHA, Sasuke used sharingan against mosquitos? Oh how the mighty have fallen

The thing with the monkey was hilarious. Loved how you characterised everyone in this chapter. Can't wait for next one..!

This is going on my Favorites list, and it's easy to see why.

You did so much in so little time - you threw in some wonderful turns of phrase (the baker's crooked try at infinity), fed us some enticing mysteries like what the heck it up with Fip?, gave us a rather potent reminder that guys like Jiraiya and Oro are BFDs, tossed us some great character beats like Naruto backing off at the last moment because he's getting what he wants but not in the way he wants it, gave everyone a distinct voice (I particularly liked Naruto's folksy kind of accent, though you slipped out of it a few times to make him sound a little too "educated," for lack of a better term), broke our hearts with Naruto reminiscing about Sarutobi's loss and what he could have done to save him, took us on a fantastic mushroom-assisted trip through Naruto's guilty and Fox-filled mind, painted some wonderfully vivid pictures with the red-silver-blue imagery and a thousand other things I won't mention because this sentence will never end.

There are "epic" Naruto stories that don't do in 400,000 words what you've done in 40,000-and-change. It's sweet. It's sad. It's fun. It's funny. You should be very proud of this.

I love the way the story just sort of ends the way a mission would - without much fanfare as everyone involved moves on to the next big hurdle. I love the way everyone shines through as the stubborn dreamer or the creeping dread we knew from the source material. I love the way you married the old with the new by throwing in twists and turns with ideas like chakra swamps and Biju-boosting psychedelics. This is why fanfiction exists. You get to play in Kishi's sandbox while using his toys to invent an entirely new game.

Sure, I think the Enma cameo and the Hyuuga connection came out of nowhere and amounted to nothing. They both could have used more foreshadowing and more payoff, as they both feel like ideas that you wanted to implement but just didn't have enough time on the drawing board, but those are the only two dings in an otherwise perfect example of what fanfiction could and probably should be. I already liked your work about the fall of Whirpool over in Tessen, I loved this to death and it only makes sense for me to tackle the big Team 7's Ascension two-parter next.

You've got a gift like few others in this circle.

Here we go! As stated before, I will critique the first chapter and treat my response mostly like I do to original fiction. I see yours is a bit long (the note at the bottom says its of the whole story), so I’ll do my best to stay consistent in quality of response. If I’m not clear on any point, feel free to ask me a bit further as to what I mean. As always, take my advice more like opinions on areas where you can improve. I won’t critique your portrayal of canon characters since they’re your interpretation. I kinda critique as I go along, so you can see how readers initially react to your story. Thus, if I say something completely off that’s clarified later, know that I’ll likely correct myself as I go on unless it’s not clear to me.

Synopsis: Great synopsis! It sets the tone of the story as a fun adventure really well while giving the context and a bit of what to expect. Would draw any reader in! A slight edit I think is you should get rid of the “:” in boo-tey to free it of any error :D

Chapter 1: Two paragraphs in and I can tell you have a GREAT handle on writing. Your descriptions are on point as well as your flow. You can really sense the action here as well as the underlying tension of what I currently assume is a mission. You’re already developing the characters well especially with the Sakura being a bit more distracting bit haha It’s already a pleasure to reader and it makes the reader excited to see what’s going to happen for the writing alone.

Enjoying your transition into Naruto hinting at his outfit change. It was clever to do so as a function of him making sure he looked nice in front of Sakura, but also managed to give the character a sense of history and a passage of time. It also reflects well on his relationship to J.

You do a good job of handling dialogue. Very realistic and the banter flows well. You make it specific to each character, and do a great job of making Naruto seem a little bit more rough-around-the-edges than the others. I also liked the description of J being difficult to get out of bars haha.
The monkey part was pretty hilarious and felt like a moment you’d expect from canon hahah. I laughed also at the food ration name.

You do a good job of describing a new setting succinctly and in an interesting manner. Your descriptions are ON POINT with the setting of the brothel. I really like your heavy invocation of the senses – I can see you have a habit of relying on scent primarily as your first introduction to a setting.

GREAT job at characterizing Jiraiya here. I just basically read through his monologue on brothels and found it tastefully done and really entertaining. There’s a lot of subtle humor here that makes this really a job to read especially with N being the “and yet”.

I really enjoyed the development of Fip, including how he figured out his name. You have a good handle on describing things from a character’s perspective – even if that character is an animal.
You’ve really developed this scene well where the characters are interpreting what’s up and why they’re there. It maintains the sense of humor and life you’ve developed before and is just interesting to read. You’re fantastic with the small details such as with the tea cups and J’s thumbs up. You’ve described Sasuke in a really clever manner especially from other characters’ perspectives. I really liked J talking about S going for the jugular – it’s a good way to contrast the two against each other. Also J’s mentioning of how O would change Sasuke if not the village – it’s a really clever small detail and shows a mastery of the characters under your control. If this wasn’t a FF, A way to world-build. It was also a hilarious way to end the scene with Sakura’s suspicion of J.

LOVED THE DREAM SEQUENCE! Hahahh it was sooo funny and really well-done. You’ve honestly got this ‘show not tell’ bit excellently down! But great fight scene. I’m really enjoying your characterization of N – he’s fully developed and not just a ‘dumb’ stereotype; he’s multilayered with his values and he has logic (N logic, for sure) to what he does. The fight scene was super well-handled – again, little details like getting out of the city for the sake of Gama-chan is priceless. You’ve described the clone-boost from Naruto’s perspective very well – to be honest, I feel like you’ve filled that plot-hole pretty well with just describing it as gut instinct and “growing more awesome on the spot” as to why N hadn’t realized it earlier. “prison without ramen” - amazing line hahah

Basically just read with joy the whole aftermath of the fight. You do a good job of resolving the action in a manner that keeps the momentum of the story moving all the while developing the characters further. I still laughed at J’s hilarious ‘fiscal lesson’ for Naruto – you really give these characters depth.

The monkey coming back is a great way to end it. You do a good job of weaving all the minor elements into the story, bringing them up consistently and making the flow just so, so refreshing to read.

Some Edits: [x] add x; {y} remove y

1)“map in his hand[,] he dispelled”

2)“could be seen to wander” : good sentence but a bit clunky. I’d suggest editing some words out

3)“together not because you’re… any other way “ : rework this sentence and get rid of the “you”/wall-breaking aspect of it; just say not because of anger but because she… ; it’s a bit wall-breaking

4)“out of which a steady supply” : break this second half of the sentence down – a bit clunky

5)“grapple hooks tearing” : get rid of your

6)“In this matter[,] what happened”

7)“Ignoring the other clones[,] she”

8)I see you use a lot of ellipses ( “…”). It’s your style and I think it’s fine for an informal FF, but generally ellipses are mostly used in dialogue and not to end a sentence. Usually a period is enough to suffice and can hold the continued sense of tension that an ellipsis does while making the writer still come off as succinct and, as a brutal teacher once told me when I’d used them in the same manner, “too lazy for the craft”. Still, your work still reads fantastically with or without them. I feel like I’m just pointing this out to point out SOMETHING that might be helpful for you that you can work on if you’d like just for the heck of it.

9)“un[-]spy-ish”

Final Impressions: Yep. You’re basically one of the best writers on FF that I’ve seen. You’re writing is super crisp and laden with humor. You’ve obviously got natural talent that you’ve honed with a lot of practice. I’m actually curious if you just write FF because you’ve clearly got a more original fiction-like handle down on the elements in this story. I mean, all that was missing was more of the usual intro hints at characters’ backgrounds and wider world for this to be an original work (I mean, aside from the canon characters/world bit of course).

I didn’t have many superficial edits to give you because there were simply so few. I would suggest in future run-throughs before posting to double-check the proper punctuation of clauses though there were so few errors there that the whole work still read well. Everything was just edited well. No idea if you have a beta, but great job on keeping everything in this story in peak condition. I think you can work on lessening the amount of ellipses outside of dialogue, though that’s totally your call since its your style of writing.

I’d say, for me, the thing that marks the story is its humor. While there is clearly a plot, I find myself wanting to read on just to read more of the jokes, characters’ thoughts, and generally hilarious situations you can create. I would say this is just a fun read with a plot more akin to GOOD filler episodes of Naruto – fun, but ultimately its not the mystery of the plot that keeps me paying attention. It’s the good writing and the masterful way you’re handling the characters and just the lightheartedness of it all.

Overall, VERY well-done job. Like I said, one of the best works of writing I’ve seen on FF. I’d recommend this to anyone just to get some high-quality writing into their FF agendas, and it just feels like a fun read to have when someone may be stressed or just not having the best of days. I feel like this whole concrit probably reads more as praise, but its definitely a praise you deserve.

FANTASTIC JOB!

Very interesting story, loved the somewhat random circumstances that somehow make a good story. And particularly well written as always. Thanks for writing!

I enjoyed this story a lot. The upbeat tone was fun to read and the interactions between Jiraiya, Sakura and Sasuke was fantastic! I can't wait for more stories to come!

As you probably already know... this is great. But let me be a bit more specific.

It's [I]very rare[/I] to find someone able to insert a fully self-contained fic into canon in a way that doesn't contradict too much.

This story feels like it could be one of the Naruto movies. Perfect length, plot line, canon compliance, everything. And the novella length in general I've often seen mentioned as containing around the information that a typical movie would anyway.

There's plenty of humor here. I found myself laughing a few times. There's enough fight scenes and action. There's even a fuckup or two to allow for power levels to be where you need them to be at - Naruto is drugged and the Kyuubi is weird, Sasuke's lost his wings, etc.

The power levels of the characters feel about right. Jiraiya and Orochimaru are badasses. Naruto and Sasuke aren't there yet, but they're [I]getting [/I]there. Sasuke got his ass kicked by Jiraiya, sure, but he also managed to get away. Sakura won her fight with the OC, as she should for a fight with a non-canon character.

Fip was an interesting OC. I'm not... quite sure where the fuck Enma came from or why he was there, that was a tad strange. But it worked in terms of giving us some closure about what would [I]happen [/I]to Fip after all of this.

I'm not sure why you referred to Naruto and Sasuke as chunin on at least one occasion, but I think more than once. They should both still technically be genin at this point, regardless of their strength in combat.

You merged plot (swamp!) with characterization well, serious with humor, touching with hilarious.

It's not perfect or anything, but it really does have that "tie in novel/movie" feel to it. That's a good thing, and something I really wish we saw more of in fanfiction. But it's by nature a little less epic than a lot of fanfic we read, because in order to fit into canon only so much can be changed or tweaked.

Solid work.

Great story! I had a lot of fun reading it. Loved Fip's character.

This was a fun story, I really enjoyed it. The pacing of the story and its updates were on point. Can't wait for your next fic.

I like it.

Awesome! I love how you know how to write the characters of the shows so well and twist them to your own image!

Wonderful chapter as always. The fights are thrilling. Conversations are fun and humor is on point. Thank you

This story was really funny and surprising! Do you have a time table for the next part of T7A? Not rushing you! Just wondering?