Ya know whenever i see blake all i can think is she is very closeminded. She will tell others how they're wrong and judgemental all the while evading noticing that she does similar things. I remember her accusing weiss of being judgemental and discriminatory while she did the same thing basing her opinion on weiss because of her family.

After this arc (no pun intended), Team CRDL more or less drop off the map, huh? We see them in the Vytal Tournament, but that's about it. On a related note, anyone ever wonder what happened to Yang's friends from Signal that also went to Beacon? They're never mentioned again after V1E3.

""Oh, please," cut in Jaune. "Four girls? You really think that bathroom's going to be open?""

Considering he has more sisters than the total number of female members of Teams RWBY and JNPR (he has seven), I'm pretty sure he's allowed to make that joke.

Y'know, I think this is the first story I've read that didn't skip over Professor Port's monologue.

It is noticeably more "on script" than the previous chapters. Not necessarily a bad thing, but it does stick out rather noticeably. I did like how you expanded on the lecture and Port's talk with Weiss, though.

This is the first chapter where the changes feel significant. This isn't a good or bad thing on its own, but it is notable.

1: The circumstances of Weiss rescuing Ruby are different. Aside from the actual method of rescue, the exchange has changed significantly. The canon exchange is along the lines of an inspiring "we both have issues, we're partners. We need to work together, and I'm willing to meet you halfway" speech. This one, while ending the same way ("You're fine"), leads up to that with Weiss and Ruby deflecting blame onto the other, rather than an acknowledgment of Weiss' own faults.

2: Jaune's showing is significantly weaker. Not only does he fail to even try and deflect the Death Stalker's attack (let alone succeed, even if you chalk that up to luck), but he lacks any particular tactical acumen.

He did notice the limply-hanging stinger, but had to spell it out here. In canon, he notices it and calls Pyrrha to action. Now, him saying what specifically to do is fine, but saying "it's already weak" just reveals a lack of confidence in his partner's observational skills.

That's his sole contribution to the fight. I could make a better case for Nora as team leader; she saw an opportunity to attack the Death Stalker, and she recognized an ally's ability to help her take advantage of it. She also recognized the foe's position and the environment. Waiting until Jaune was clear, she then either smacked the enemy to keep it in place or attacked the terrain (it's ambiguous as to which) until the foundations gave and the enemy fell. Basically, Nora is the one who opened up the opportunity for Ren to damage the stinger, and she's the one who made sure the Death Stalker plummeted. Unlike in canon, her plan to get Jaune and herself across the bridge didn't send an ally (Blake) falling.

Nora as leader. Horrifying at first glance, but it could turn out well.

3: If there's any proof this is some sort of bizarre alternate universe, it's that I think Yang should have been made leader. Words I honestly thought I'd never say.

Most of the group just kinda did their own thing. At the relics, Yang recognized that Ruby's charge was reckless and futile. She ran in to protect and extract her sister, succeeded, and sounded a prudent retreat.

Against the Nevermore, she was the one to try and take any sort of command to organize the group. She knew Ruby's strengths and had the crimson-cloaked sibling cover her. When Weiss created an opening, she was the first person to notice and send someone to press the advantage.

In canon, Ruby made a plan that was, while unconventional, succeeded perfectly in its goal. Here, not only did she not come up with a plan, she only incidentally followed Yang's second order.

Huh. This time, Weiss is the one who inadvertently got in the way of Ruby's attack. Y'know, it boggles my mind that Weiss expects immediate respect from her family name even as she attempts to break free from the grasp of her father's influence. It usually takes a while for that particular penny to drop.

On an amusing note, there's this section:

"except for fighting Grimm,"

Somehow, the 'r' in 'for' isn't italicized, and just that one particular letter. Not sure how it happened, and this is not even remotely close to being an issue. It just makes me chuckle.

I must say, I'm used to inner thoughts being italicizes (or less commonly, in single quotes). In fact, I'm so used to it that without it, I need a minute to register what's thought and what's narration.

I'll admit I checked out the first chapter because of the name, not having read the description closely enough. I'm a particular fan of alt!Ruby, dark ones in particular, so the title drew my attention.

I realize my mistake, but that's on me. I will say the first chapter has managed to get me interested regardless. See, I am generally not a fan of dialogue copied verbatim. The only consistent free pass I give to this is the Dust shop robbery and meeting with Ozpin. It makes an amazing litmus test.

These two scenes tell me a few things. How well have the ramifications of the changes been considered? How well are the scenes described to make up for the lack of a visual component? Does the dialogue only deviate after the canon flow of events has been altered? If so, is the repeated dialogue shown or skipped? If not, is it entirely different, or is it inconsistently altered?

Despite this being, if I've understood correctly this time, a straight retwlling of canon, you still manage to put your own spin on it. The scenes are vivid and the characters are expanded upon. The most impressive thing is how you managed to alter the dialogue while still keeping the essential core of the interactions intact.

On a general level, I also keep an eye out for the nuances of grammar, proper nouns and dialogue tags in particular. I find both of these frustrating to read, but neither of them will make me stop reading. I always get excited when I see proper nouns capitalized and proper punctuation used for dialogue and dialogue tags.

I suppose the short version of this is that I accidentally went in with incorrect expectations. In spite of that, I'm compelled to continue due sheerly to the high quality of this first chapter.

Interesting chapter.

And see you soon

Good work

Mostly a more 'logic' retelling of the show(trough i'm glad the argument beetween Ruby and Weiss wasn't so harsh as canon), but nice, let's see.

I have to say that I wouldn't typically read a story that seems like it's just a rehash of the original plot, but this is really great so far. Also, I have to disagree with what you said about first chapters, the first chapter of Blood Rose is terrible and that fic still went on to become one of the most popular in the RWBY archive.

It's fine to post fanfics here, and since there's even a flair for it I'm not sure why it wouldn't be allowed. Just link your friend to this review or something, I'm not feeling posting right now. It's also far easier to talk on here anyway. If he really wants I'll copy and paste it.

Onto the review...

I'm not sure why he would list the words he would possibly use in the author's notes, and then censor them, but it's kinda contradictory in and of itself unless it's a joke.

Uh... I'm not really sure why he has 4 tl;drs either. Defeats the point of them.

I'm also not sure it's a good idea to use Harry Potter as an example, since quite a lot was different in the movie from the book, and there's actually a number of problems in both. A far better example would've been Lord of the Rings, which was a far better adaptation, and is considered better than the books by most.

Example of good tl;dr: keep author's notes short at the beginning. If they have to be long, make them at the end. It drives readers away like the plague, and in general is considered bad practice. The reason I spent a paragraph talking about just author's notes is because it's generally make or break for most readers, and I would actually recommend to some extent *not* to have author's notes at the beginning unless it's very important.

Onto the story...

There are several problems with the RWBY universe if haven't watched the show from a writing perspective. It's very hard to make some analogies, especially on the topic of character design. The shopkeeper is one such example. Calling him Mistralian is probably the best course of action, and then giving a short synopsis of what Mistral is like- as in talking about its eastern location, folklore, and hierarchical system. This would give a reader that had never seen RWBY an inkling that it was 'Asian', as well as an idea of what the shopkeeper actually looks like, and some background on at least one of the continents.

From a writing perspective and hook perspective it's really bad, but if the attempt to make this a 'novelization' is true, then there would need to be some sort of world building. Alternatively, you could also start off with a small story, or fairy tale from/about Mistral which would do practically the same thing, but be slightly more involved.

Mentioning the silhouettes is pretty funny. Comedy is important for just about any work.

The 'smooth counter' sentence seems very descriptive without it needing to be. There are 3 adjectives/adverbs when you only need about 2 at max most of the time.

Lien should not be capitalized.

Note: I realize that this is apparently a 'reimagining' but I will point some things out regardless.

The shopkeeper was incredibly passive, saying, 'please, just take my lien and leave'. If he really was that aggressive of a character in this story, why wouldn't he keep guards around? I'm assuming in RWBY the reason he didn't have guards was because he didn't think he needed them, but this seems almost strange in this context.

While he does say this in lines below, why the hell would someone ever try to go 1v6 as an old man? If he really is that old, and knows how valuable dust is, why would he bother with a scare tactic in the first place? Evidently it's not that dumb considering how old he is in the RWBYverse where grimm invasions happen quite a lot, but this is very strange from a character that while I still know close to nothing about, seems out of character.

I'm noticing a pattern of quite a lot of adjectives. While it's mostly stylistic, knowing when to describe things and how is far better than describing everything. Having descriptions for everything is a bad idea. Also, IIRC, the counter isn't wooden, it's glass.

Ambiguous line- is the shopkeeper saying he's in the market for dust? Obviously not, but since you used 'man' the last line to describe the shopkeeper it will confuse readers.

'you've wanted' should be 'you're wanted'

Roman's hair isn't red by the way, it's orange. Has the author looked at the wiki? Not knowing hair colors/eye colors is usually a sign they didn't do research.

While Roman is wordy, he isn't *that* wordy. Examining his speech in V3 to RWBY on the airship would give a good idea of his diction, as his 'destitute thief' line seems OOC.

'direction' should be 'command'

One thing that he could've used as justification for not having a guard would be for Ruby to be on some type of internship or favor, which would not only explain why she was out alone at weapon shop at night, but why she was there in the first place, and seemed to know the old man. But with the 'modern ammo' line it negates this, because that would mean she's just a loiterer.

'The man' is a very commonly used line, finding different ways to describe men is a good idea.

Hell, just name him early on or something and then you can use his name instead.

Semicolons are almost always a bad idea, even if only because it takes the immersion out of reading since you almost never see them. I have no idea if the use is correct here.

'Bitch' seems unnecessary here, it's important not to water down the importance of insults/curses unless intentionally. Otherwise it lessens the effect.

Given everything seen from Junior's men, it also seems somewhat unusual since most of them are just men looking for jobs.

In RWBY, I'm fairly certain the first grunt is the one she launches through the window. He doesn't notice her until after the window is broken.

He also doesn't unscrew his cane, it's just a hatch that falls open like on Junkrat's gun in Overwatch (if you know who that is).

Fight scene seems okay.

Using quarry is unusual, but make sure that the narrator's diction is consistent. If words like quarry are used in this scenario, it's expected to keep up that level of diction.

Neo wasn't with him in the bullhead? She wasn't in Volume 1.

I highly doubt that Roman thinks like that either. While logical, again, its diction is off.

The object itself isn't blinking, it's just a red dust crystal that had light reflecting off of it. I'm somewhat disappointed in the actual faithfulness to the show, and it's not even half way through the first chapter...

I don't remember Glynda shooing Ruby away, but my memory isn't perfect.

I guess Neo is being introduced here? Not sure why, I thought her introduction at the White Fang rally was good enough really, but I can't really say anything against it other than that it isn't faithful to the story.

Cinder isn't this wordy either... she doesn't talk like that. Please examine her dialogue thoroughly.

Complex gesture doesn't really work since it could mean a number of things. Is she doing interpretive dance?

Another difference, Ruby only starts talking to Glynda after Roman escapes. Even she could probably recognize it's not the best idea to distract someone during a mission/whatever this is.

Also, Glynda doesn't talk like that. She is very judgmental, and wouldn't have responded kindly even initially. Again, I'm disappointed in this so far dialogue wise.

I didn't know it was possible, but the silver eyes line is actually weirder than initially, and OOC.

I really, really don't like the dialogue. Ozpin sounds nothing like his in show self.

Ruby questioning why Ozpin knows Qrow seems really dumb. Theoretically Ruby is a motherfucking genius, so that doesn't make much sense.

She also already knows who Ozpin is, and doesn't seem fazed by him.

Ruby is also weird, but not as out of character in this conversation.

Also, Qrow seems to really like Ozpin. That's just straight up weird to bad mouth him.

Ozpin also doesn't think anything like what you're making him out to be. He also doesn't *talk* nearly as much as Ruby, so the ratio between back and forth talking is off. He very rarely talks unless he feels the need, and that's not the case here.

Still doesn't sound like Ozpin at the end of the conversation.

Also pointing out that Ruby did in fact get yelled at, and this is mentioned a few lines ago so I'm not sure why she thought that.

This story feels like it's trying far too hard to use complex/lesser known words. I doubt most people know what 'concierge' means, so why use it?

Ruby not apologizing for hitting some in the head with a brief case is *extremely* out of character. Do you remember how distraught she looked after she first met Weiss?

Small note, Ruby is also Yang's least favorite sister.

Yang doesn't say words like 'sentimental' either AFAIK. Use another word.

The author also missed the chance to introduce Glynda more, as well as the White Fang which was the original purpose of the broadcast on the airship.

And now I'm done.

So, overall thoughts:

I would've stopped reading if I'd seen an Author's notes that long. Rarely are there good stories with 200 word author's notes.

In regards to the actual writing, as a standalone product, it wasn't bad. Probably a 6 or 7 out of 10. The characters were consistent to an extent, things made sense within the confines of the chapter.

However, in regards to a novelization and fanfiction standpoint it fails terribly.

Characters aren't consistent with that of their show counterpart, some things are off or just plain wrong, and worst of all the dialogue is nothing like the show's. It also has the unfortunate problem that it's apparently a novelization, which means that I'm going to knock off points for not being faithful, especially when it would help the story to BE faithful. Some elements of RWBY are terrible, but foreshadowing is not one of them. Things like the 'silver eyes' line being cringey actually WORKED, because it made the line memorable. Even from a writing standpoint you know her having silver eyes is important because of the alienness of the line. It doesn't work here, because in this it just sounds like a normal, everyday thing.

To go more indepth about dialogue... it's something that I pri

Small nitpick, Roman didn't throw a bomb, he threw a fire Dust crystal and shot it