I can’t put into words how special this story is. I found it and have pretty much read it non stop to the end. You’ve really captured the struggles of Merlin and Arthur in such a real way. It’s not usually a continuous path upwards of just getting better and better until you’ve completely recovered, there’s back and forth, making steps forward and then falling back then pushing forward again. I love how you’ve done this, even though it’s painful to see Merlin and Arthur struggling again when they’ve already gone through so much and have had some moments of really doing well, it’s more genuine and real and relatable.
I really wish they’d both just talk to each other and explain how they’re feeling but as teenage boys who have never done that, it’s hard for them to realise they don’t have to keep it all in. I really feel for Arthur, wanting to do anything to help and to make sure Merlin knows how loved he is but trying desperately not to push him away at the same time. I know he didn’t want therapy, but I’m glad he’s found his forums and online groups and is finally talking to people about things in some form. I feel like this will really help him. And Merlin, my heart broke in this chapter watching him falling apart so much. The panic attack scene was brilliant and also when Merlin realised that he just couldn’t keep that knife in the house without using it and took it to Gwaine. I don’t know if you’re planning more to this story but I’d love to see what happens next if you do add more. It’s heartbreaking but so real and beautiful and hopeful too. Thank you for all the work writing and sharing this, I know it’s one I will re read many times 3

Hi, I just read this all in about four days, and I absolutely am convinced you both love and hate us.
(It's amazing!)

Reading this is heartbreaking, but the self harm echos my own experiences with it so much. The brief control it gives vs the healing period where the pain is no longer mine.
I've stopped cutting but this fiction seems so real, and accurate for me in regards to self harm.
Just wanted to say, whether you are using real experience or just that kind of author, you managed to perfectly communicate why I used to do this.

Yaassss! I absolutely love this story and am so glad that you are continuing it! Can't wait for more! :) Keep on writing.

This is great! I love that things feel like they are starting to ‘turn around’ for my favourite couple!

First off. I know I said I would read it this weekend, but it’s a slow day in the office and I don’t think I want to wait any longer.

Poor Merlin feeling as if his life is worthless. But, that seems to happened to people that you don’t really pay attention to. The quiet ones are the ones you have to watch. I feel his pain. I know what it feels like to do a job and have no one care or show appreciation, but they love this other person that was just hired. It’s terrible feeling like a shadow and to feel like everything you do causes trouble for someone else. You get to the point where you think, maybe it would have been better to not have been born or even maybe everyone’s life would be better if you just stop existing. Depression is very hard to fight and those terrible thoughts are hard to get out of your head no matter how many times someone tells you something different.

I also know how hard it is to be in Arthur’s spot. To know something is wrong with the person you love, but have them not say anything. You want to push, but you don’t want to push them away. The fear of hurting that person is painful. So you do nothing, hoping that’s what you should do.

Aida is still very adorable. I love her playing mother hen to Merlin. I truly loved the scene between Aida and Merlin. It showed two perspectives. Aida who thought everything was normal and Merlin (a victim of abuse) who couldn’t bring himself to do things that most people see as harmless. Susan is such a lovely person to. You can tell she knows something happened to Merlin but doesn’t want to outwardly ask, but she does want to help.

Merlin’s build up to his panic attack was great. It was only a matter of time before it struck. Starting with his pressure to make sure Arthur was happy and then noticing that he was so far behind in his school. Making himself feel like it was impossible to catch up. Not to mention his indecisiveness to wanting to be with Arthur and not able to bring himself to do it. Of course the anger is a dead giveaway that something is wrong. Of course it goes back to the beginning when I said I know how both of them feel. Merlin, with people wanting them to notice and question, and Arthur, with not wanting to push and give his lover enough space.

The whole panic attack itself was beautiful. I love the coach helping him through it. I still remember each panic attack I had. I wished I had someone like him to help me. Both times were so bad I ended up in the hospital. By then, I was in shock and very cold. I didn’t realize I had a panic attack until the doctors told me.

Of course, then come my tears of Merlin believing that no matter what Arthur would leave him. His continuous loathing he has. God I feel his pain. Oh and Arthur losing his strength and not knowing what to do. The fact that they both feel like failures and both fear the same thing. I’m telling you major tears. I feel like I’m drowning on them.

I didn’t realize I missed Gwaine until he came back in. I loved how he didn’t even look at the bag or question Merlin until after Merlin left. Sure he will take it. Gwaine is such a great friend. I think Merlin made a huge step by giving up the knife. This huge symbol and giving it up is like moving on. Moving passed it. I know right now he sees it as fear. He doesn’t want to cut himself and he gave it up because of fear but the fact that he gave it up means a lot.

And I loved Arthur going to help websites. I love those websites. It definitively makes you feel like you’re not alone. And not to mention Merlin making the first moves and making Arthur feel better. That’s my boys!

Enjoying your story, however the chapters (especially this one) are just too long for me. Its hard to find the time to read them, maybe you could split them in half?

Wow Laureles, it has been far too long. I just looked back and yes, it has been far too long.
Still, a wonderful surprise to have a new chapter. Just reminds me how f'd up these poor boys are. Uther really did a number on both of them.
I cannot help but feel they both need to talk honestly to each other and soon. Merlin is convincing himself that Arthur would be better off without him and Arthur is very insecure. Funny, they always say that communication is the key to success in any relationship.
Loved the chapter. Still very sad. Thanks again Laureles!

WELCOME BACK! I was so pleased to see your work again! having re-read my previous review, yes I think it fits even better in this chapter. I'm glad Arthur is talking about things on the internet, it should help him, although I'm a bit worried about his near-constant lethargy...
and merlin, oh merlin... can we get to the steps forward part of healing again? I hope he and Arthur have a very long chat when they wake up, I really do. I'm glad he was able to go to Gwaine again, even if he probably hasn't spoken about anything to him. I'm also glad he gave Gwaine the knife to make sure he doesn't use it again. I hope to see more recovery in the next few chapters. Thank you for writing again! :)

First off. So sorry that it took me forever to read this new lovely chapter.

I loved how Merlin is starting to move on and he's finding it easier to become intimate with Arthur.

I love your idea for the tattoo. I would be in the same boat as Merlin. I've never got a tattoo but I don't think I could do it. The thought of being stabbed repeatedly with a needle is not appealing to me. I feel sorry for Merlin. He's so nervous about it being ruined. But I can understand his reasons for being so desperate to having it right.

Again I am feeling sorry for Arthur. Merlin takes on too much for himself and should open to Arthur more. He should have curled in his lap and whined. I like that even though Merlin is recovering he still is having trouble opening fully to Arthur.

That coach is so horrible. Arthur needs Lancelot back. Let's give a hands up for Lady Mithian! And I so love Merlin being jealous.

Again another lovely chapter.

This is so good. I love the way you’ve told it. I absolutely love Gwaine and Merlin’s and Arthur’s relationship is adorable. Great job.

Hey, I just met you (sort of)
And this is crazy
But here's my review (kind of)
So update maybe?

You...are...BACK!

I hope you had a good time during the holidays.

First you made me happy. Then you made me sad. Then I didn't know what to feel. You mess with our emotions a lot, you know that?

I visited your profile and noticed spelling errors in the section where you inform the readers of your progress. Not exactly the comment you're looking for, but I can't think of a good comment on the chapter, even though I really did like it. I just can't seem to concentrate enough to analyse what I just read.

I'm just glad to have you back.

good update

So good! poor Merlin is definitely on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster right now. Healing often feels like a two steps forward one stap back kind of situation and theres often that feeling where instead of taking any steps you've fallen over and are stuck there. I feel like that is where Merlin is right now. He's dealing with too much emotionally to be able to get up and keep walking. He needs to talk with someone now, preferably Arthur to clear a few things up, but he's so confused right now it's gona be difficult.
Speaking of Arthur, I'm sure he has a lot on his plate right now and needs to talk to someone soon. It can't be easy especially as I don't know if there's anyone he feels he CAN talk to. He wouldn't want to talk to someone who didn't alreadt know, as that would feel like betraying Merlin's trust but pretty much everyone else he could speak to is closer to Merlin and it must be difficult. Maybe they should both consider going to therapy again.
That being said, it is lovely to see your writing again, thank you so much for updating and I hope to see more soon. :)