Very interesting piece, honestly (even more interesting, completed with this second part; however, I would not give it an 'M' rating, but that's another matter)...

So, structure first: I like how Sirius's POV gives the whole thing a frame, I didn't even notice it for the first time - only after a second look. Somehow I don't think that's a coincidence...
if I were to guess why did you do it like this, I would say it kind of justifies Marly's own POV. I mean, the other fragments are mainly composed of dialogues, actions or simple statements. What Marly truly thinks and truly feels is left unsaid, or even deemed impossible to word; like this, we cannot be sure if she interprets Sirius's personality and intentions a right way all along. The only thing we can rely on in this matter is our own belief and conceptions about the characters - which would, very often, absolutely satisfy their first "love" scene, for example. But if you ask me, Remus's statement "You are the one who is hurting more" kinda puts that to question.

However, the reader is left in fact with the impression that emotions (or their roots..) are actually there in both Sirius and Marly; there is some emotional "material" to work on, these characters are not, after all, hopeless... but their personality traits, their attitude and pride works against them, and very visibly and ferociously. They both seem unable to overcome their frustrations, so their dynamism cannot run free and their communication is limited to a very basic level, which - let's put it frankly - totally fucks up everything between them.

What I'm trying to say now is that I am, after having read this, bound to think that Sirius and Marly ARE greatly responsible for the tragedy in their life. Their lack of communication cannot be only blamed on their pride: in a way, what they are guilty of is cowardice, and that of a very dangerous kind, because they are also lying to themselves by suppressing the natural bond that is forming between them.

I would not be surprised if you received the review of some self-named sociologue saying "you are stigmatizing those with a messy childhood, in this piece you make the whole thing appear as unsolvable and blighting". But with this, I cannot agree, because I deem it a very accurate characterization, and a close peek to reality on how these things work. And i believe, for Sirius and Marly it IS unsolvable because their problem is not admitted, not conscient, and they would never admit its existance and/or relevance.
(Then again, we could argue if the characters' behaviour presented here could be by any means called common; and how, why would emotional problems could come to this point. But that would greatly surpass the boundaries of this particular piece).

Dialogues are very realistic, not too much and yet informative... but I admit it's quite a brainwork. As I told you before, I'm not sure I would understand it the same way without having read another works of yours.

Marly as a Slytherin is quite interesting. Maybe I like her more this way than the usual interpretation... also, I feel some bond with something I've pondered a lot while writing 'Death Dance' if you perchance remember it... the tragedy of a good soul with good intentions but a very bad attitude, social barriers and just... some great thick walls. Really. It's a fascinating topic...

Aaaand, more practical matters: I feel kind of a rupture between the first and second chapter, the second one feels a lot more wildly symbolic. If I were to visualize them, the second one would have brighter, deeper colors, and would look very unrealistic while the first one would be a set of torn up photos and short messages wrote on pizza boxes. I... I really hope this would help you imagine how I feel. :D
Anyway, I'm really glad you added this, it puts an interesting conclusion to the end. Principally because it is not a conclusion, there is still no sign of any kind of admission... it seems kind of a miracle to me that Sirius's intellect would never reach his emotional standards and attitude.

About technics and composition: It never fails to amaze me how you can work with much-much less words than I, and present a lot more striking effect. I actually liked the more loose, free style you used here, it adds to the experience. I did not mind the swearwords, either, they are accurate to me, and they are not just there for the sake of swearing...
What I would suggest, however, is that you should maybe consider the fact that readers don't always read and understand half-words and references as you would like to. I'm rather sensitive to this, and while reading I felt like the Da Vinci Code had been laid in front of me to decipher, i see a lot of little things to link with my own thoughts and interpretations. There are also fragments, half-sentences, loose words that suggest this: but for a reader who is not interested in hidden meanings, symbolism and/or self-reliant characterization this would seem discursive and maybe pointless. ("Why work instead of the author?" :) The eternal question. Not sure it is relevant, though).

I understand that one of the main goals of this story is to show how to speak and act without actually communicating, and at that, it succeeds splendidly. That's sure! ;) And you still get these characters real well.

The storyline is kind of a thriller, really. Very frustrating, as they dance around each other, and no one has the courage to actually stop pretending and move to act. Sirius and Marly really loved each other, as much as they were capable of loving (seems to me...).
Random thing: another unhealthy and disturbing (but then again, very human and accurate) trait in Marly: she is completely disinterested by success. "She wanted to be good, she needed to be good, end of story." Perfect. It would seem that the narrator is actually more annoyed about Lily's success than Marly herself... :)

(sorry for jumping topics a lot. And also for the mistakes, I'm not re-reading this).

Hey nosmaeth,

I have to correct a few things,

First of all, you wrote "swearwords" as one word in the summary, that may put people off.

Eve seems like a fine OC so far, maybe add some looks or personality?

There's quite a bit of swearing, which can be disturbing.

I though McKinnon was Gryffindor?

It's "stroked" later, as Lily strokes his hair.

Sorry, about my corrections, seems like a nice story.

Are you writing more?

PulyAuthorGirl