With my attention grabbed.

like it and make more please.

Upon further review of the story I noticed something. Aura, as defined by the show, is an embodiment of a soul. Therefore, Kyle does have an aura by default, unless he doesn't have a soul. That would make an interesting premise somewhere along the lines of; humans, as in us, are Grimm that have somehow been transformed into humans and transported to another planet. If I gave you and idea then good, use it.

I think ur character is fine without a semblance or an aura. I think it makes the story slot more interesting by the fact that if he gets stabbed, shot, burned, or what ever it's gonna wound him and has a higher chance of dying that the others.

You got my attention and you impressed me on how you put our world to their world. I'm really impressed can't wait to see more. Keep it up your doing awesome.

Good, but there are a few periods were question marks belong. By the way,

MORE.

Could use a deep story ot build up the MC. With a few other small details. But overall curious to see it move foward.

I think this chapter needs a bit of a re-write. For one major reason, if nothing else. You see, basically, all things must obey the laws of physics. If you go to another world with another set of laws of physics, you must obey those laws or else fall apart, etc. No part of the world can exist if it fails to adhere to the laws of physics that all parts of it must obey. Any human from Earth, therefore, must begin to generate an Aura, and eventually a Semblance, if they come to Remnant.

TL:DR If your marine can't produce Aura/Semblance on Remnant, he shouldn't exist on Remnant. Period.

Nice man. I like the change of pace where our firearms are superior to theirs. I'm enjoying this.

really great start, but i would recommend running each chapter through a grammar checker, or just copy paste in into a google document and check for errors there. But other than that, i really like this, keep on with it.

If you were describing Adam you messed up the details his hair is red and the mask covers the upper part of his face other than that the story is pretty good

More.

I think it would be in your best interest to lengthen the introduction here. You can't really do much to hook interest with just under 600 words, and I think that messed up with your pace with this opening chapter.

We get introduced to Kyle and then "Sarge", then it goes straight to an ambush then he gets blown up. Very quick. What's the area like around him? Who are the others that are with him and "Sarge"? There's no way it's just the two of them out on patrol, especially if they're in a hostile area. What's "Sarge's" real name? You want your readers to be able to connect, but if you're going too fast and just glossing over info like this, it makes it difficult for us to relate to your characters and want to read about them.

I'll use Kyle as an example here. All I know about him is that he's a marine and that he's on a patrol with "Sarge" somewhere in Afghanistan. I have no idea what he looks like or what his personality is like. All I can draw from him is that he curses quite frequently, even when it's not necessary. Yes, I know some of my fellow soldiers curse, but it's not like every other sentence. If you have Kyle dropping F bombs left and right, it just seems childish and detracts from promising dialogue. It would be in you best interest to give us a small description on him to help us pain a visual in our heads to what he looks like, eg. body build, hair color, eye color, skin tone, all of that. You don't need to go into deep depth in explaining every detail about his physical appearance, like one to two bits at the most and build on that as the story goes.

Now some of this next bit will be nitpicky bits on my end, but at the same time, it would be in your best interest to make note of it and draw on it for later to make your story stand out compared to others who try to go down the military route.

The first question is who is the enemy Kyle is facing? Taliban? Al-Queda, or some other threat? You never shed light on the time period this story was taking place. Is this pre or post OEF? The next question is why would Kyle be mowing down enemies just as they're entering this village? I know they took fire, but what enemy would be right in the open? Those insurgents are far from stupid. They are quite bright and forced us to learn their game and we had to learn from every fight to develop SOPs so we could combat them effectively. Chances are he's being shot at from every house the second his convoy/patrol entered the city, in which case it would be like ambush alley. Third, radio etiquette when Kyle's calling in CAS. Typically these are alpha numeric followed, eg. WT (Whiskey Tango) 12345678 (The more digits the more accurate the plotted target will be) to add to that, anything within 600 meters of that target is considered danger close and you never want to call that in because that means things are very bad. Fourth, when you disrupted the flow of your story saying (In whatever language the attackers speak), this is where it would pay to do research. Depending on the group he's facing they could be speaking Pashto, Urdu, Dari, etc. My recommendation would be to avoid touching down on some of these if you are unfamiliar with it, or do research to implement it into your writing.

The other thing that caught my eye was the grammar errors. What platform do you write your story in? Are you using Microsoft Word or something else? I would suggest using word since it has spell check and can correct your errors and make your story look really great. Or you could consult a beta reader who can help you in that department and clean your story up.

Overall, this looks interesting and has potential. I'd like to see where you go with this. Writing it in first person can really make the story stand out, but just be careful not to start every sentence with I and know how to use other character and the surrounding area to draw readers in and invest them into the story itself.

-CaptainPrice

This is pretty good. I just wish you had made it longer. Please make the next chapter longer.

Have you considered fleshing out the "Character meet"? Just saying his height, hair and eye color, and being muscular doesn't say much at all. For instance, does he have a lean runner's build, or a solid, heavy build like a football player? What about his face? And what about more details about his equipment? Such as the kind of armor he's wearing? Is he just using the basic ballistics vest, helmet, and knee and elbow guards? Or has he equipped the full set, with a gorget(neck guard) inner and outer upper arm guards, and back and crotch plates attached to his vest? Maybe with vambraces(lower arm guards), a ballistics mask, gloves, shin guards, and thigh guards? Even with all that added, however, I don't think that the "Character meet" would be long enough to warrant a chapter on it's own, so maybe combine it with the prologue? The prologue itself wouldn't feel so awfully short if you did that. Another thing, what word processor are you using? A basic one? Cause you're missing some punctuation marks here and there, especially at the beginning. An proper editor might be a good idea besides, as you goofed on a couple of words. Such as in the last line, you said "And I lost conscious". What should have been said was "And I lost consciousness.". Beyond these things, I'd say that you've been fairly solid so far.