hippo dick

I love this story. I hope you continue it. I just got done reading the whole thing and I'm hooked!

I'm glad you're diverging from Belated's because if you followed it wholly it would be a boring read, now that I've watched those vids. Thanks for writing, and please, continue.

You make it seem like in everybody's minds slavery horrific existence. But, even in your story, Anakin has the time, skill, and, most importantly, resources, to build a protocol droid. How can anyone feel so immensely sorry for him when he pretty much works for Watto for a few hours a day, runs home, and works on his hobbies? That's a bloody normal life.

I always thought Qui-Gon's treatment of Obi-Wan was a little unfair. "You're not ready." Goes to Tatooine, meets Anakin, tells Yoda, 'Nope, can't teach Obi-Wan nothing no more, he's ready to move on.'

All Obi-Wan hears is "I'm ready to move on, Obi-Wan. I've found the next great thing, and it's better than you."

Maul! Yes, Maul perspective! Maul's so awesome after that Maul: Apprentice fan film.

Um, Yoda is not from Dagobah. He merely hides out there during his exile. Lol, that would be a pretty poor hideout. But yeah, Yoda is not from there.

I was surprised with Qui-Gon's reasons for not saving Shmi. But then he was the one who also said "we are not here to save the slaves." in the movie, so I guess his action was consistent with the original. Good story!

It's great to see the story continuing! This was definitely a good character developer chapter, showing the bonds between characters changing as the plot progresses.

As one who has watched the Belated Media take on Episode I, this is a splendid adaptation. You've taken the vision and worded it beautifully. Can't wait to see more of this in the future, and maybe for the other two...

Firstly, allow me to say how happy I am that you are writing this! The Belated Media version of events is so compelling that I instantly went out looking for either a fan-comic or fan-fiction of the “what if” scenario. I cannot wait to see the way you write Obi-Wan as the main character, or how you write the puppy-love between him and Padme, cut shot by his master’s death. Or his rivalry with Darth Maul! I am just so excited for all of it. Must also say that, while I was a little daunted by the fact that your story is written entirely in the present tense, your writing style is so confident and well-rounded that I immediately fell into the world with ease. Fantastic!

One suggestion that I have is that you might describe the characters as though we had never met them before. Of course many of us are reading this as a response to the disappointment of the Prequels, but I think your version will be crisper if it in no way relies on the Prequels’ existence, even for the audience’s familiarity with the characters. Describe Qui-Gon’s long hair and Obi-Wan’s braid – the mark of a Padawan. It will make your story, which is already very strong, stronger still. Besides this, I would just be aware of how often you reuse adjectives, like when you describe Qui-Gon as “wise” multiple times. Perhaps find another descriptor? This latter comment is, however, a nitpick.

The way you describe the Jedi feeling the Force, like the way they sense the nearness of the river, is really neat. Also, the fact that you paid homage to your reduction of Jar Jar’s role by saying that the Gungam had a “comical” appearance was pretty great. That, and the fact that Obia-Wan wants to be rid of him soon, and his horror at the thought of Jar Jar as a Jedi, was beautiful. Ha! Related to the comment I made above about adding character descriptions: the way you describe the Gungam species in detail was delightful! I particularly enjoyed the picture you painted of the snapping beak.

It’s an intriguing choice on your part to reveal this early on that Padme and her handmaiden have switched places. Was there a particular reason for this? Is it because you wish to follow Padme’s perspective? It’s a choice I’m curious about, and am interested to see where you take it.

Finally, there were a few lines that popped out at me as particularly wonderfully written:

“Obi-wan sighs. Conflict is what he wished for, and now conflict has arisen and he isn’t quite sure he wants it anymore.” –Such a great line! It describes perfectly both Obi-Wan’s sheepish youth, as well as his famous politeness of just wanting to now turn ‘conflict’ down, like an unbidden tray of tea in a restaurant.

“Jedi are peacekeepers, yet they are acclaimed more for their prowess with their weapon of choice – the lightsaber – than their diplomacy.” –fantastic observation.

Overall, a very exciting and promising first chapter. Can’t wait to read more!

Please update! It's good so far.

Thanks for updating! Can't wait for more!

Some small but really good changes to the story and I love it :) I agree that the friendship between Padme/Anakin and Padme/Obi-Wan is really important because in the movies,they made Anakin look like a creepy boy/teenager and later,a stalker and they did not emphasize enough Obi-Wan friendship wwith Padme :( And Anakin,Obi-Wan are my favorite chacracter in the prequels XD Maybe they did do it in the movie's novel,but I only watch Star War movies :P Anyways,looking forward to your update,hope it will be soon :)

Great chapter!

To be honest, I'm glad that you left the Obi/Padme romance out of your story. I do like it when the two banter, but romance... no. And I also like the developing relationship between Anakin and Padme and I'm curious to know what this Anakin's reaction to Padme being the queen.

Either way, I can't wait happens next.

Keep up the good work!