Oh, wow, I guess I picked a pretty good time to check back haha

I really like how you handled this revamped opening, slotted in that personal edge to things at the end. I do have some minor personal gripes with how it was delivered, I guess- but it sorta extends to a lotta the introspection in general for some reason I can't quite place, haha. Idk, sometimes it feels a bit like personal thoughts are the sorts of things that aren't so easily put into words as eloquent or free-flowing as that, but I can't deny that it helps the rest of the story move along very slick and professionally

Regardless though, I can definitely get behind the ideas being presented at least. Or... err, I guess the ideas I think are being presented?

The last few parts of the chapter were definitely where I felt like it all came together, with Kris actively acknowledging her views on holding a grudge- but in the end, not really being above falling to that instinct herself. Her exclamation at the end there did feel a little jarring at first, though maybe because of the really clear-cut and sober delivery

But I admire what seems to be the weird little inner workings going on behind that, correct me if I'm not catching the drift here, but it seems a lot like it had a lot more to do with pride than anything? The narration focusing more on the 'primal' side of things, the 'frustration', of being handily outgunned and outsmarted by an enemy that she funnily enough was describing as incredibly prideful and arrogant in her letter writings.

I guess, at least what I ended up taking away from reading that was that she's fully vulnerable to the same kinds of things she points out in a negative light- and it's interesting that she shares some of those attributes with the enemy

...I think? Always feel a little nervous making bold statements on things like this lol, but nevertheless, I'm impressed with the vast spectrum of feelings you've managed to fit into just the opening. Kinda glad I'm coming into this semi-blind, having not really read too much of the previous versions of the story and getting hit with this without much in the way of expectations

Every time you update this story I expect a new chapter and then it's just edits. But the improvements are so substantial that I can't even be mad. Every time the story gains more clarity, flows more quickly and sparks more interest. Please carry on!

The line breaks are fine, just stick with the italics, for clarity.

The first-chapter rewrite definitely fills out the storyline and makes it an entertaining read separate of its fandom. Looking forward to the next chapters.

Nice rewrite, although I will admit that I'm a little confused as to where this is in the timeline.

All in all, a much more confident intro for Kris (menacing someone with a gun, and all) and a rockier start for Bull and Dai.

Looking forward to the next part!

… I'm still not seeing why you need to revamp or rewrite this chapter. Maybe fix up the choppiness of the dialogue and check for spelling mistakes (there are quite a few in this one), but, really, all of this is pretty good.

Kris has a relatively quiet moment with Bull and Dai over beers. They get done with cleaning out Calamity of the rest of what remains of the rest of the crew and suddenly the divide between newbie and kind-of-sort-of-not-a-friend starts to narrow. By the end of it all, in the space of an afternoon perhaps, Bull and Dai would rather have Kris as their tank commander over the Lieutenant.

At this point it feels like this new platoon of tankers is an even worse version of Squad Seven. Bull and Dai seem to be stand ins for Largo and Rosie respectively, the LT is nothing like Welkin, the rest of the platoon is unnamed but you get a sense that almost all of them are disturbingly new and inexperienced. This makes Kris out to be a more experienced version of Alicia in a way. Hands down she has the most experience out of anyone in that platoon, even at sixteen.

Her speech comes from experience and it is grim in its characterization of the tanks and of the enemy they fight. Its very interesting to see Kris go from this slightly awkward teen to an experienced tanker in one day. This mostly happened due to the circumstances of her transfer though, yet you can feel the nervousness and tension tearing her apart behind those words.

This is a good chapter for no actual combat. I don't know why you feel the need to completely edit it.

Alright, so we get introduced to Eleanor Varrot as Kris formalizes her transfer from the 601 TD to 3rd Regiment. You say its slow in chapters like these but we're given a lot of details as to how the Gallian Army works through the eyes of Kris. She goes to the armory to get her standard issue gear and rifle, bribes the guy at the desk for a GSR, and straight away Joy leads her to Varrot's office.

Kris, meanwhile, is acting her age. She's sixteen and despite know military protocol is constantly prone to little outbursts and comments that reflect just how young she is. Understandably getting a transfer to the Militia is a step down for her and after all she has seen of the Militia so far is probably wondering if they even have the proper equipment to fight the war. The talk with Joy about the Militia still having unit designations from the previous war told us of the state the militia is in in terms of logistics and equipment in a personal way - Joy seemed genuinely hurt by the comment and her response speaks to how painfully aware she is of it.

So, Kris gets herself into the Militia and she is taken back by the fact they are just now training their inexperienced tank crews. I'd say their situation is dire indeed.

Did you just introduce Kurt Irving? And Varrot?

Well the scene with Irving was was a nice, light touch on an otherwise gritty and serious story. It actually served to give Kris some more characterization in a way as now I have a sense that she has a pretty major sweet tooth comparable to Irving's.

This scene played out like one of those "extras" scenes from VCII at Lanseal, the ones that have Class G doing random things around the school. Pretty funny how Kurt confuses Kris' uniform for a Nameless uniform, unintentionally divulging secret information. And Kris just thinks its the most surreal thing in the world.

That said, we get a little more insight not into Kris but her unit as well: 601st TD. They're an Regular Army unit and seems to be somewhat of an "elite" unit, with a black panzer like uniforms. This is kind of reinforced with Kris' initial refusal to being transferred to the Militia's 3rd Regiment - and then we get a bit of that Regular Army prejudice from her that views the Militia negatively. She seems fine with Militia if they fight well, but she changes her tune when she has to work with them as one of them. A bit of complexity to her character, a hint of pride and familiarity with working with her old friends. Its good I think. She's no saint, but she's not a pompous ass either.

The scene with the Corporal was great too. He's a one time character that wanted to make some extra money off bribes, exploiting the wounded like a vulture. Kris' lies about the severity of her wound just to get her stuff back, playing the emotional card and pulling rank on him, but I think we all would in her situation. God-damned vultures.

The scene with the Corporal was good, the scene with the Militia Lieutenant was good as well. They're one time characters at best that help drive the plot along so I don't see any reason to take them out and they even serve an indirect role by characterizing the diversity of people in the Gallian Army. The scene with Kurt Irving may have been a bit random, but it was a welcomed light touch on an otherwise serious story. Little events like that happen in the army, right? Keep it.

Even with no front line action, this was a really good chapter in its own way. Good job.

Fantastic!

The Firefly and Nightshade are caught up in another attack as they help a stuck Militia tank out of the mud. 4-5 Imperial tanks come at them and both crews fight like hell to stave them off. Kris is still in the gunner's seat and she racks up and impressive kill count… and next they're ditching the tank, fire consuming the turret. Things get bad.

So, what I really like here is the use of description and similes. You mix things up and each sound or feeling or reaction to something feels just right or very close to it. Take Kris' wound. A lit pack of matches lost inside her with someone trying to fish it out with hooks - the the burning sensation of a fresh wound coupled with the agony of someone trying wrench out a piece of metal - great job! Keep doing that. That's the good stuff.

The jargon sounds good too now. Bix spewing out quick descriptive orders to get a sense of what they're up against and what they need to take the threat out. Its effective and lends to the urgency of this close-quarters tank fight.

Kris' brief thoughts on the contrast between what she learned from her teachers and actual combat, mixed in with the desperation of the fight at hand, is summed nice in one line - "It was a fist-fight with tanks, the thing her Lanseal teachers said never happened. No radio chatter, no bound and move, just shells flying as fast as the loaders could ram them home." It gives a good idea of just how intense the fighting is around this crew and Kris, even if its just a couple of them brawling on some open field.

For me, this fight sums up the Gallian invasion at this point in the fighting. The Gallians retreat as much as they can, the Imperials are hot on their tail, even going so far as to outrun the retreating army. The Gallians put up stiff resistance, even with out-numbered, their tanks on par with their Imperial counterpart, yet, eventually, they are overwhelmed. One of the highlights of this chapter has to be Kris getting a glimpse of the Imperial tank commander in her sights - the one that gets Nightshade - taunting them with a thumps up. Her reaction to it is icing on the cake. It gives the reader a good idea of just what kind of enemy they are fighting.

Really good stuff here. Keep it up.

That was even better!

Kris is shaping up to be a good OC. I like her. Through her letters / inner monologue thing we get a kind of self-evaluation. Through her actions and words we get a sense of who she is in the heat of battle. For me she's kind of young, though she knows what she's doing. Yet, she makes mistakes, little ones, but its the reactions to them that really make her shine as a character. She gets hurt a lot in this chapter, even though she's in the tank. She falls into the tank once the fighting starts, gets her knee hurt, her arms start to burn from carrying the shells, she groans. Feels like she's a unique character despite her normal-ness, and all though showing the audience just by focusing on the senses felt by this character.

Her getting her knee hit a by a heated spent shell, then quickly trying to toss them out the hatch two at a time was a good look into her character. While one gets a sense that its probably good protocol (so as not to litter the inside with shells that make i hard to move around in) you can also say she did it because she was genuinely pissed she got her knee banged.

There's also the feeling she gets while she switches positions with Terra for the gunner's role. In this case its characterization through dialogue that did it for me. That one line - "Oh shit - Iseeit, Iseeit!" - the urgency, the excitement, the rush of being the one manning the gun, the breathless uncertainty of whether or not you are faster on trigger than your foe - all summed up in one line for me. Good job.

Also, its nice to see to a story from the Regular Army's perspective for once. After hearing how much the Regulars hate the militia in many fics one starts to wonder why the Regulars are even a thing in VC, where the Militia seem to do everything. It refreshing to read a story where, at least from Kris' perspective, the Militia is not bad in the eyes of the Regulars, yet prejudiced soldiers, like the ones in "Nighshade" still exist in its ranks. Kris' little monologue about her opinion on the whole thing finally gives the Gallian Regular Army some justice - in that some really don't care for this notion that the Militia are inferior. They're doing their job, and she as a Regular is doing her's.

The reference to the Edelweiss is good in that it certain canon events have occurred and serve to remind the reader that even though this is an OC focused story doesn't mean you are confined to a bubble - there are big events going on.

Once again the jargon serves to immerse the reader into the world of the tanker and their actions, from swiveling the gun to tapping the trigger or hearing the clank of the breach, show this. Its quick, urgent, and has a good pace to it.

Good chapter!

This is pretty good! Refreshingly good, actually.

You have a good sense of what the interior of a tank should be like. The noise, the smell, the feel of metal, the violent lurching after a shot, the sting of smoke in the loader's eyes. While it doesn't feel cramped, its certainly not comfortable. You show the reader what being inside a tank is like by describing the sense from the perspective of the loader, this girl named Kris. So, good job with that.

We get a brief introduction of her fellow crewman as well, both from the letter she is thinking to write and by her own observations of them. Bix, the commander, wipes his glasses with a cloth and reads paperbacks he keeps in an ammo box. Terra, the gunner, taps her feet nervously by the trigger of the gun. Small insignificant actions that say so much more about the character that leave the rest up to the readers imagination. Don't know who the other two are, but we'll get to know them soon I suppose.

They might not have the Edelweiss, but a tank destroyer (or TD) is, in my opinion, a set or two down from it, and probably better than being in a Type 34 (Gallian Tank). Had to look up pictures of the thing to remind myself the Gallina Tank Destroyer was a thing. Shame it wasn't.

So, its an all OC cast, the invasion of Gallia is in full swing, and we catch the crew in the midst of the month-long retreat from the border to Vasel. Definitely good place to start. I think its safe to say that between the fall of Bruhl and the Battle of Vasel, fans forget it took a month to get from one place to the next. Lots of room for story telling.

The transition between internal monologue / Kris' thoughts as she thinks about writing the letter were confusing at first, but was quickly cleared up once its made obvious. Keep the line breaks. It works out well and in a way serves to flesh out her character and the others around her.

One last bit. For once, compared to other VC fics about tanks and their crews, I feel like these guys are tankers. Why? Dialogue, specifically jargon. Does wonders for believability and in this case was the best way of convincing the reader they are, in fact, tankers in a tank, doing tanky things. One minor gripe about that same bit though is that the jargon sounds… too American? Not sure really. I'm sure German, Russian, British, Japanese, or Italian crewman used the same terms (just in their native language), but this is in the world of Valkyria Chronicles and this is a fan-fiction. Using U.S. crewman jargon is fine.

A solid chapter!

First story I ever read that gave me a sense of what it would be like to sit in a tank and hope that no one drops a grenade down your hatch, that you're not seconds away from having a artillery shell punching through the turret's chassis and into you, or that the vehicle won't suddenly drive over a mine. To top it off, I've only just started the game last week, and now I'm not even sure if I want to finish it first and wait for your updates, or vice-versa. Only misgiving I have is that I occasionally find myself rereading paragraphs while scratching my head because certain details were a little murky or the transition between scenes left me somewhat confused. Then again, I know as much about tanks as the next guy, so that could be just me. Thank you for sharing.

Ah, that's it! I liked it, a bit unclear right around when they started getting shelled. I understand that being shelled often makes things difficult to make out for the crew, but if the reader doesn't know what's happening then they won't be able to follow along. Kris seems to be struggling with leading a couple untrained tankers around, and I think that's pretty ace characterization for a girl coming from a professional TD outfit.

I wasn't sure how far away the school was from Calamity, I thought they'd crashed right close to the thing. I was kinda surprised when TC was saying to skip a round at them. They must have been pretty far? Also I didn't really understand what was going on with the hatch.

But really, I liked this chapter. Gave a sense for how difficult tanking can be and how fragile the treats of a tank really are.

I don't really understand what just happened. I'm confused as to why the militia or armed services in general would allow two tank crews to go gunning dangerously and expensively in a sort of non-fatal duel. Both tanks could have been destroyed by dropped shells at the worst, and even at best they ended up just trying to shoot twenty (somewhat expensive) shells down range as fast as they could without any particular reason, risking mechanical damages to their tanks as they pushed them so hard. It kinda felt like a contrived way to show off Kris's loading talents...

I was following pretty well with the story, and I thought the tanking was spot on, but this one kinda caught me off guard. I don't really understand the larger strategic picture, the reason why anyone is doing anything. Dai is particularly strange. I have no idea what Dai's thinking.

Man, I just remember the first seen of Fury when the kid gets a look inside the tank and just vomits on the spot. Must have been atrocious.

I like the little excerpts you put in to expand on what the tanks are all doing. It's nice to get a refresher on certain aspects of tank warfare, and I imagine most people reading this don't have much more than a passing knowledge of tanks.

If anything, it might be good to have MORE excerpts, and more alternate descriptors especially in the start to explain to the reader what all the tank-jargon means, no?