I continue to find the way you're writing Raziel's character really interesting - he's a flawed character, and his values are definitely different from human ones given the scene where he fed on the slave, but he's very complicated and his relationships with Kain and Klara add a lot to him. I'm interested in how his character continues to develop.

The worldbulding concerning the different kinds of vampires and the society that they live in is great - it definitely feels like a different, very grim world, and definitely bad if you're human, given how even the sympathetic vampires like Raziel see human beings as little more than food or slaves. It doesn't seem much better for the vampires, either, given the cutthroat nature of the vampire court, the assassinations, and all the problems that Raziel is confronting.

After the conversation with Nogah, I'm interested to see what Raziel does next - it established both characters further, and their relationship interests me. I especially liked the last two paragraphs between Raziel and Nogah.

Great job with this chapter - it was well-written and a fantastic read.

This was a rather relaxing chapter to read; mostly since during the game, Raziel loathed being a pawn in destiny. Now in this chapter, he is finally free and this chapter did well to explain his feelings for his newly found freedom. From his first flight then to showing mercy. The feeling he felt when he first flew, not for practice, but to actually go out on his own.

"These were his wings, his body, and his sky." Was a beautiful way to describe his feelings of freedom.

Then he began to show his own sense of mercy when encountering the human hunters. Even though he did show mercy to Kain, I am sure it wasn't the same since in the end he was doing someone elses will. Now he can express his own will which was touching, considering whether or not you have played the game. With of all of the revelations that Raziel has experienced, I am guessing he has a better appreciation for life now.

A bit more foreshadowing it seems in just the first part of this chapter. The deformed version of Raziel's wraith form and his excecution at the Lake of the Dead also while hearing other shrieks.

Now, there is a sense of irony and not just cause it says so in the story; Raziel became the new Guardian of Time. There was always a lot of time travel in the games, so this revelation is actually quite fascinating. Good job in that regard, well written. However, Raziel is not content with this since I am sure the dreams he is getting makes him want to leave. Obviously fearful of history repeating itself but now with the added effect of the new shrieks he heard.

Kain seems to know what he is doing though; the way he explained how Raziel became the new Time Guardian does sound plausible and even Raziel knows it.

I got no criticisms for this chapter; well written as usual.

The comparison of what Raziel was just prior to this story opening and what he is now is good - right down to having eyebrows. It's a lovely mixed blessing to "feel so fragile and grateful to be alive." ["Stay back!" he shouted, trying to sound like he could put up a fight. His wings bucked against the walls like a caged bird.] The storyverse details of the types of vampires are introduced well in relation to Raziel.

I remember Nogah from the earlier incarnation of this story or from another story, though just as Turel's wife, I think. She has an attractive character if not an attractive appearance: [Small hoop rings dangled from her leathery ears, close to her jaw. Although she possessed fuller hips than male Turelim, her robust arms and hideous face - like a hairless chimera of a bat and lioness, sabotaged all her intentions.] Her backstory with Raziel and his royal harem is interesting. These details of the different culture are particularly well thought out: ["I came into her possession as a girl, one of her attendants, and after a time we developed a bond. She wanted me to have the opportunity of a life like hers. When I came of age she gifted me to Turel, seeing that I fancied him. She taught me everything I needed to win his heart. The next time I saw the two of you, he had made me one of his wives."] Yes, Klara was a good friend to her.

The details of Raziel's relationship with Klara throughout this chapter are vivid: [They loved toying with each other. ] [He ached to see Klara, to hear her voice; to feel her thighs pinned around him, riding him like the wind rides a storm. Death had spared him this longing. That mercy was gone.] [She thrived on politics and maintained an uncanny mental map of clan intrigue. On certain subjects he trusted her more than his spies. ] Paradise has its drawbacks: [Allowing small rebel movements to fester underground provided bloody entertainment in an otherwise dismal court and making arrangements in case of death was part of the game, but there were always close calls.][Raziel would find her assassin and publically crush him, as the empire expected. He would not allow grief to destroy their kingdom. Klara made him promise.] I particularly like these details: [In the past, he felt secure in the knowledge that, no matter where the winds blew him, Klara would welcome him home without resentment. Her passion was a garden that flourished even in his absence. Whenever he returned he would find her blooming with some new talent or creation and he would wonder why he ever left in the first place. Not this time. Never again.] Sad she's not in this story!

And his new relationship with Nogah is quickly formed but believable: [He expected to fear her. Instead, for the first time in forever, he felt as though his very existence, and the future of Nosgoth, did not depend on pretending to be invulnerable. Biting his tongue, he hugged his arms around her sturdy neck, if only for a moment. His frail voice sounded like a stranger. "Thank you... no one would tell me. I should not have judged you so harshly."] She's now his closest friend (but never his lover, I think). [Their company is not always a blessing." She made a good point. However, he found her company refreshing even under this oppressive mood. For once he could breathe without the world ending. "Your's is." (except no apostrophe in yours)]

Raziel's nightmare contains some good foreshadowing of what I guess will be his quests in the rest of the story. As always, the description is poetic.

And finally, Raziel's desire to leave raises some interesting issues. He wants Nogah to allow him to learn to lose his wings so he can eventually escape and she's willing to let him do so while telling him she won't be able to allow him to escape. When the moment comes, she'll have to try her hardest to stop him and he'll have to make sure not to leave her facing Kain's wrath.

Nits:
Scene 1, paragraph 1: [As {{he}} moved his wings tangled...]
Scene 3, paragraph 1: [...an ill{{-}}fitting uniform.]
Paragraph 20: [...and let it drain {{remove second "it"}} over a bowl.]

Two suggestions: First, could you show us where/when Raziel learns or realizes Klara is dead? It's not clear why he knows this (scene 2) when the length of time alone wouldn't ensure she's dead. Second, in scene 2, could you make it clear that Raziel and Nogah have either walked past the people cleaning up the throne room before she lays down (paragraph 28) or acknowledge that they don't care? It seems like they should be alone here but it's not clear they are.

Warning, going in canon blind.

The first thing I want to point out about this story is that it does an amazing job with the imagery. Every scene you have written conjures up the picture in my head perfectly. Cobwebs on earthy walls, drifting thick smoke summons what I want to see in a good story. You do a bloody well done job when it comes to writing the imagery for this chapter.

Now given that this chapter is a prologue chapter, it does its job well and set the tone for the rest of the story. I can feel the atmosphere, a dark brooding Gothic world that awaits misfortune in any shape or form that WILL be there.

Now the final thing that I really enjoyed was the pacing as well as the ending. The chapter did not seem rushed, slow, or jumping all over the place. It was condensed, to the point, while also allowing the needed materials needed to make this chapter work placed in there. The ending was good as well, leaving it partially open as to what will happen, but reminding that even in the face of damnation there is always hope. A candle in the sea of darkness and despair that floods this world.

A nice start to what I hope will be a good story. Good luck with all of your future endeavors.

Thank you for posting this for review.

I like the concept here in that the POV character goes through a transformation and their story moves forward.
You do a good job of conveying Raziel's relationship with Ariel though I'd like to see more of that relationship exposed. This might be an artifact of the fandom I'm not aware of or might be something that you can add.

Raziel's discovery of his wings is well done, and definitely shows the reader how happy he is.

Kain seems unsurprised at Raziel's transformation. I assume this is because he didn't see him in his previous state.

The change in the Soul reaver is interesting and hints at further complications.

"As if crushed by an invisible force"
"unyielding absoluteness" seems a bit redundant

I'm not sure the description of void works for me. My personal preference would be the void is a simpler thing, or you try to make it malevolent through other means.

"like the voices of the dead" do you mean "Some were the voices of the dead"

Stubbornly trying to sigh reads odd to me.

"beyond silence" doesn't really work for what you're trying to describe for me.

It might be a stylistic thing, but it seems similes should allow me to relate to what you're trying to convey, but what is being used in many of the similes isn't something I can relate to.

Again, thank you for the opportunity to review.

One of the central charms of this story, of course, is in the title: the time stream and all the different states and time periods in which we're going to find Raziel.

In the opening of this chapter, he appears to be close to the end of his time. Still, he struggles to sense where he is and what he's dealing with: [Other voices murmured in the void. Some were like the voices of the dead. Could these be the other spirits devoured by the Soul Reaver? Or were they merely his own dark memories?] And this provides a good insight into things that have already happened to Raziel but which will probably be shown in future chapters: ["I know I deserve no forgiveness for the wicked things I've done… and I am so sorry for so many things I cannot change… but I hope this, at last, redeems Nosgoth. I hope my life won't have been in vain. I hope I gave it purpose at the end."]

After the void, Raziel's rebirth is full of sensory detail: [Blasted awake by a roaring light, Raziel gasped and writhed on the hard ground, each breath shooting an arc of pain through his body. The world was bright and overflowing with feeling; muscles tensing and unwinding, involuntarily shaking, choking on dust, whimpering, flinching at soft noises, thoughts reeling in chaos. Too loud, too sharp, too rough, too enormous.] His change to corporeal is surprising and unmistakeable, from physical details like having hair, to discomforts like an empty stomach and a dry throat.

And he's shown that indeed, he must have redeemed Nosgoth because standing before him are the pillars. And he has skin again and, even better, working wings. This question drew me through the rest of the scene: is Raziel in a time after what he thought was his end or has been thrown back to an earlier time? By the end, I leaned toward the former but I might be wrong.

In particular, his relationship with Kain is quite different than he expected. This does not seem to be the Kain Raziel is expecting at this point: [The cold facade fell away in seconds and Kain sprang at him with childish delight. That was concerning. "Raziel…? Raziel! My god, it is you! You're alive! You're actually alive! What in hell are you doing here!?"] Kain is caring and helpful, worried about Raziel, not wanting to push him when he appears dazed. Even more surprising, Kain wounds himself and gives Raziel his blood to drink. This is a nice bit to show Raziel is not completely trusting: [As Kain stood Raziel clenched the leather strap over his shoulder, afraid he would let him fall.]

Kain's reaction to Raziel's question ["Kain… why am I in your sword?"] really makes it seem that he might be dealing with an earlier version of his vampire father. And this makes it seem that possibly Raziel's dealing with a temporal paradox, existing at the same time as a former version of himself: [ something about the sword still disturbed him. Maybe it was the knowledge that the deranged entity within had once been him, with all of his questions and ambitions, and was now no more than a ravenous, mindless shade, a victim of the wrong choice. ] But then Kain says this, so it seems that this time is (for both of them) after all the trials: ["Knowing what I know now, that no longer matters. We may have altered history more than I intended, but it all worked out in the end." Kain smiled, cavalier. "The important thing is we've won."]

And Raziel ends the chapter unconscious and Kain is shown even more tender and fatherly than before: [Sighing, Kain folded up Raziel's wings and scooped his other arm under his legs to carry him, shifting him so his head rested against his shoulder.] Unexpected.

Reading a revised version of a story I've already finished makes this more of a time-streamer since I've already experienced some of the events that will happen yet know I haven't experienced all of them.

Nits:
Scene 1, paragraph 8: something missing in [If he concentrated could almost feel it now.]
Scene 2, paragraph 4: double word "beyond."

Nice one, bit short but there was always something good going on. Liked the Nosgoth shout out with the hunter, liked the little details about the other vamps too. It made you realy get how desperate and broken that clan is right now. Can't wait for more

Greetings. It's Theodore Hawkwood from the Review Lounge, Too once again. It's time I reviewed Chapter Three of this work.

Right, now onto the review.

The disorientation of Raziel waking up in an unfamiliar location and subsequently looking into a mirror and noticing detail such as the part in his lips and the hairs of the eyebrows, do a wonderful job of reminding the reader that vampires such as Kain and Raziel came from the same stock as human beings. As such that is a great technique to make Raziel that much more easy to relate to for a reader (incidentally that must mean in Legacy of Kain the idea that vampires don't have reflections in mirrors is false).

This humanizing touch is nicely contrasted with Raziel feeding off a human slave after encountering a Turelim and Dumahim vampire. That brief scene where at the Sanctuary certainly made me ask the questions to read further. What were the ramifications of Kain's actions? Who exactly is Nogah?

As I read further I saw the answer to the first. Human slaves are still being used, and the vampires still feed off people. That aspect hasn't changed. And Raziel's question of 'have we won nothing?' becomes all the more pointed that way.

And the revelation whom Nogah is was another touch to show the human aspect of a vampire when we see Raziel's emotional reaction to the memory losing his wife. This also adds to the emotional effect of events covered in the original Soul Reaver game when it shows how the Razielim were killed to the last by Kain and his ilk after Raziel's execution. It's a great way to add more meat to an event in the storyline that was only covered in a few lines of dialogue and a cutscene in the original game. Nice touch.

I wonder, now, just how Kain's empire is going to fare under these new circumstances. Curiosity is getting the better of me. Always leaving a reader with a new question or two is a great technique you do well with your writing.

Good writing on your part, and its great to review you once again. I enjoyed reading this chapter, given that you present this alternate universe ending to Soul Reaver 2 (I imagine) but don't present it in an 'everything is fine' sort of fashion. Your AU has so many possibilities that I'm looking forward to reading more on.

Great job,

Theodore Hawkwood

Nice one, as always. Can't wait to see what happens with these visions.

Ok, I will comment a little on the previous chapter, to put some context in what I am about to say next. When you said that Kain was looking for the other gaurdians, I was a little confused but didn't want to comment on it at the time I wrote the review for those chapters. Then I remembered that Kain was the Guardian of Balance but was corrupted which meant that he had to die for the next generation of guardians to be born. Long story short, he didn't want to die, so because of that the world went to shit. Since Raziel helped purge the corruption, the next generation of guardians were born and I should have seen that coming. So in this chapter, when he found the Nature Guardian, it confirmed my initial thoughts.

I am assuming Kain is trying to fix the world by finding the new guardians, but I also see that he still rounds up humans like cattle. How he treats them and thinks of them, I had hoped that the experiences in his life would have changed him but he still seems to be an asshole. (Granted, if you have played the games.) Then how he treats the new Nature Guardian, Callisto, differently than the other humans. Then the mood darkens when he refers to her as "his angel of the damned, the dark mother of their new world." The way Kain had been acting in this chapter confused me a lot, but I guess there is a reason to why he is doing this and it will probably be elaborated in later chapters.

His intentions in the game were revealed eventually, but this is no longer the game and the way Kain acts is confusing all over again. I do look forward to the next chapter to see what happens next and to see what Kain is planning.

You do well in giving small history lessons in your chapters. It would especially help someone if they don't know anything about the "Legacy of Kain" series. Like, what is the Soul Reaver, who is Kain and Raziel? In this case, in this chapter you reveal a little bit about who Raziel was before the events of your story. How he was excecuted. Then that he became a wraith and how when he tried to materialize in the physical world, he would show up as a blue dead body or "blue carcass" as you mentioned. How he had wanted to kill kain but was unable to.

Also, a nice roller coaster of emotions in this chapter. Starting at Raziel's fear of the de-evolved vampire, then to what I am guessing is almost an addiction to blood when you said he was "anxious" for it. How he now viewed it as a curse after learning of the vampires history but still couldn't help but feed on the slave. Then to him realizing that his wife had died. It had been centuries after his execution but I don't remember him talking about his wife in the original story. So whether or not its canon, still kudos to how you portrayed his emotions. Even though it had been centuries to everyone else, it was still rather new for Raziel. For him to discover that she died and how she died would make someone sympathetic. Finally, how he feels happiness after thinking on memories with his wife. Then his attention diverting to Nogah, despite his entire clan being wiped out, there was still at least one person from his past.

I hope the dream that Raziel had where he saw his former self as a wraith is a form of foreshadowing. I have guesses but I won't post it here.

The first part was a little sad in Raziel's case. The dreadful feeling of being alone in a void like, not being able to feel anything would be overwhelming, and would definitely drive someone to insanity.

Luckily for him, he was pulled out of this void presumably by Ariel, and brought back into the living but this time not as a wraith but as a vampire. You did well in describing the thoughts of someone in confusion after this change. Having being dead as a wraith then to come back alive (although somewhat) in his original form as a vampire is probably a lot to take in. The mixture of feelings, at first how everything seemed too much, which is what I got from "flinching at soft noises", "too loud, too sharp, too enormous". Then it changed to confusion as he scanned his body and saw the features of the vampire that he once was. Then finally his wings, his confusion subsided as he felt nothing but joy from this.

I am going to skip ahead past the reunion between Raziel and Kain. It was well done but I didn't see much to point out in there.

(This is coming from someone who has approximate knowledge of the game) I will point out the absence of the temporal distortion when in contact with the Reaver, could it mean that there is no problem with there having two of Raziel's souls? One in the Reaver and one in the flesh? I guess the later chapters will reveal that and I am looking forward to it.

I like the description in your opener. How the reader figures Kain in flight for a cloud and you gradually reveal its not an actual cloud. It creates an aura of mystery about the character that makes the reader want to find out more.

This is strictly a personal preference, but I feel its alright to leave some mystery. I'd rather focus on Kain than learn that the castle is Sanctuary of the Clans or that it is Nosgoth's forgotten seat of power. I can understand some readers prefer to know this all up front, and I only point this out because it seems to slightly detract from getting to know Kain, a being that seems so interesting at this point.

I like the way you start to describe Soul Reaver, and my preference would be to keep that description in the physical. I promise to not keep going back to leaving things a mystery, but you have a very good descriptive style, that I'd love to see paint the scene for me, because the descriptions are thrilling.

"He alone could make the finishing move" is a real grabber. I'd love to see that sooner, but I think its extremely effective where you have it. It makes the reader wonder what Kain is up to.

"Standing over the hearth, he bent down and tried to open the grate" - considering how he succeeds, the tried is almost understatement here. Based on how you've built this character up for me, I see him seizing the grate and lifting. Kain doesn't seem like a character who tries, but does, especially at menial physical tasks.

"Cobwebs dusted the earthy walls" Great image. Just a quibble but perhaps earthen works better? Are the walls made of packed earth, or is it a material like earth (hence earthy)

"He heard its loathsome body dragging through some other part of the cave." I think I know what you're trying to do, and I'm wondering if you can't use slightly different words. To me, loathsome is a physical description and I want the sound to be horrible. Or, perhaps you can hear its loathsome slithering/crawling/galumphing through the cave. Maybe, if you want more mystery, the sound echoes off the cave walls, and makes it hard to find?

I really like "Cancerous masses of flesh" putrescent might be a good word too.

Did Kain start speaking in caps with "I AM THE STILL CENTER OF THE TURNING WHEEL..." If its still our Lovecraft horror, that line should be joined with the line above.

I really like how you write out the action - it is really well paced; well paced enough to spread the mystery out a bit more. Perhaps you could shift some of that to the dialog between Kain and his rival. Thank you for the opportunity to review, and I look forward to reading more.

Can't wait for more. Also has the game Nosgoth affected this rewrite at all given the extra insight it brings to how clans may have specialized their warriors or how the hunters did the same. I feel like that game would be a good resource if hunters ever came into play.