Love this! Ohohoho

I really liked the story. I also love the Rimahiko couple :)

Loll!

Cute!

[just check Nagi's name in kanji and take the third character. It translates to I and not Na]

If you're talking about Nagihiko's first name (which is written in hiragana, not kanji): you're incorrect. Not a single part of his name "translates" (I'm assuming you meant "reads as") "I". His name is written as follows: なぎひこ. Look up any hiragana chart or transcriber - it will tell you it's read as na-gi-hi-ko. I'm unsure where you are getting い (hiragana for "i") from, especially considering hiragana (and katakana) isn't like kanji with multiple possible readings (e.g. 人 with "jin" as its onyomi and "hito" as its kunyomi).

Also, using initials is not something a Japanese person would do because it's impossible and would only make people wonder what the fuck you meant to do.

[eighteen year old blonde] The way it stands, you're describing her as "eighteen", "year" and "old". Before a noun, adjectives that belong together are hyphenated. It's not an "eighteen blonde" or a "year blonde", it's an "eighteen-year-old blonde".

[in her bedroom within her apartment] Redundant. If she's in her bedroom, it isn't surprising that she's in her place. If you, for some reason, feel the need to mention she lives in an apartment, then do it in another, more subtle, way. Although, in all honesty, it's not important considering it becomes obvious not too much later.

[a phone on one hand] You don't have a phone on your hand (unless you're balancing it), you have it in your hand. Same goes for the frying pan.

[the phone to her ears] next to her ears. Other possible phrases are, "she brought it up to her ears" and "she held it next to her ears". In any case, what you wrote is incorrect.

[it won't go to] wouldn't, not won't. It's called a future statement embedded in a past-tense narrative. Your story is in past tense, meaning that everything described has already happened. However, at the moment of speaking, it hasn't yet (her wishing it wouldn't go to voice-mail is a wish for a future event). The phrase explains it, but it's one of those things that's hard to teach or learn.

If it was dialogue, "won't" would be correct. In narrative, when the writer has used past tense, it is not.

[go through voice mail] to, not through.

[perverted cat cosplayer] Are your characters older than eleven? Then please, for the love of all that is holy, stop using things like this or "hentai neko". Yes, the anime used it - the anime was also aimed at little kids. You don't need to emulate it.

["... anything to Amu" Rima said] Dialogue has punctuation.

When there’s a speech tag (said, whispered, yelled, etcetera) you end with a comma and the next word isn’t capitalized. Like this: “Hello,” he said. When there is any other verb (pulled, smiled, grabbed, etcetera) or no verb at all, you put a period and capitalize the next word like normal. Like this: “Hello.” She grinned.

The same goes the opposite way. When you have a speech tag before your dialogue, you put a comma. Like this: He said, “Hello.” Note that you do end with a period because there is no speech tag following the dialogue. When there is any other verb, it goes like this: He grinned. “Hello.”

When a sentence is split up in two parts and both parts are complete, it goes like this: “Hi,” he said. “How are you?” Since both parts are complete sentences, the second part does need its capitalization. When the sentence is broken up and there’s a speech tag in the middle, it goes like this: “Hi. How,” he said, “are you?” When there is no speech tag in the middle, you put a dash instead of a comma, like this: “Hi. How-“ He breathed in heavily. “- are you?”

[the call (...) when her call] Repetition. Generally speaking, it's best not to repeat the same noun (or sometimes verb), especially not in the same sentence when it can be avoided. When read, it creates a jarring feeling. It's like repeating a person's name instead of using pronouns. Wouldn't you look up if someone was like, "May said this to me today and I thought May was so correct. Don't you think May had a point? I mean, I know you don't like May that much..." If your gut told you that at least two of those had to be replaced with "she" or "her", it was correct. The same goes for nouns like "call" in your example. "It" could've replaced the second one (... when it was suddenly answered).

[suddenly answered] But I'm not done with the sentence yet. Adverbs tend to be overused. People think they add spice to description (e.g. she said quickly) when in all reality, it's usually unnecessary (and bad writing, to top it off). The same can be said in this case. What's so "sudden" about it? Rima's calling with the expectation of it being answered, even if she was going to end the call soon, she didn't because of that expectation. When it got answered, it was answered, but it wasn't "suddenly answered" as if Rima had no idea that was a possibility when she decided to call Amu.

[Hey Rima] Comma after "Hey" because it stands apart from the rest of the sentence (even if that sentence is just her name). To give some more examples of this phenomenon: "How are you doing, sis?" (sis stands apart; it's not part of the main clause), "Good morning, what are you up to?" (both are independent clauses and stand on their own) and so on.

[Rima narrowed her eyes at nothing in particular] You have this tendency to add absolutely useless details. What did you think was so important about "at nothing in particular"? We know there's no one else with her, it's not like anyone reading you story would be lost without this piece of detail. Learn when and what to describe. As opposed to describing what needs to be described to get an idea of how everything is like, you spend your time on trivialities like this.

[We weren't doing a-anything at all!] Assuming Amu is eighteen, she's far beyond the age of acting like this. She's an adult, not a twelve year old who has never had a relationship before and whose ideas of romance stem from books and movies. Be realistic in your approach to characterization. You want to age them up (i.e. Make them older than they were in the original series)? Then change their behavior to fit that.

And if they've been sleeping in the same bed for months, then you can bet your ass they've gone farther than "nothing" as she tells Rima (and don't tell me she's lying about it, because why would she?). Two teenagers (or one and a twenty-something) do not kiss prudishly and then go on to sleep. Any teenager who has had a relation will tell you that.

[Amu said exasperatedly] Remember what I said about useless adverbs? Counts here.

Stop doing shit like that and write some actual description. Write about Rima - don't tell me about her, but show me. Show where she is, how she feels, how she's acting... I should be able to imagine her doing all that. Your story has no imagery, and therefore, no immersion. It doesn't have a hook - it becomes forgettable because I couldn't care less what happens to any of them.

[I had a new neighbor] So he's gone now? Because that's what your "had" is alluding to. In reality, people would say, "I got a new neighbor".

[That one penthouse or...] So the apartment next to hers is completely different? Have you ever been in an apartment building? If there are more expensive ones available, those will be on a different floor.

I'm getting tired of going through everything. There's too much to cover in one review. I'll just pick out some highlights.

[black fedora] Unless you hate the guy, don't have him wear a fedora. Do you have any idea what the implications of it are? Look up neckbeard (even add fedora to it for better results) and you'll see.

[Happy Birthday] Why is birthday capitalized?

[you and he] he and you

[chibi] Are you a little kid (and a weeaboo)? No? Then don't add random words from a language you don't even understand. Unless stated otherwise, Amu and co are already speaking Japanese (because they're Japanese and it's logical, even if the fanfiction is written in English). The only reason you should ever write something in another language is when the main character does not understand it (this is often done to create a feeling of isolation or fear for the MC, who doesn't understand what's going on).

[purple-head] I'm hoping you're just young and naive. If you're older than thirteen and you don't know the connotation of this, then wow, I have no words (don't go looking for its connotation if you don't want to see a dick. If you do want to look it up, just add any synonym of dick to the phrase).

[Amu's voice joked; sounding blurred] A semicolon is not a comma's replacement. It's not used similarly. This is not how you should use it. Is "sounding blurred" a separate, independent clause? Can it stand on its own and is it related to the clause that precedes it? No? Then use a goddamn comma.

The basic rule goes as follows: Would you use a period in its place? No? Then don't use a semicolon. Even if you could, still use a period in 99% of the cases. Semicolons are rare.

[gag manga] Why is this in italic?

Your premise is flimsy at best. You're telling me that he, not once, decided to actually have a conversation with her? Not once try to tease her? Just left it at "hello"'s and whatnot when she didn't respond? Yeah, no.

All in all, your story has a plethora of problems, your grammar being one of the most obvious. The next is your lack of description (or, well, well-written description). Your premise is bad (and the whole deal of the note being read wrongly by her is even impossible)... Do I need to go on?

Read some books (skip 90% of all YA books, though; they're quite often riddled with bad writing and bullshit), go learn some grammar, and get a beta-reader to help you.

Lots of love,

- Mrs. Flamer

HAHA THAT WAS SO CUTE XD