Hi,

I read a lot of fan fiction at work..when I should be working. And yours certainly nearly got me in trouble a few times. Thoroughly good read and though my knowledge of VTM is limited to the first pc game, years ago. I think you really brought it to life well.

Thoroughly enjoyed it, good stuff! :)

Out of curiosity...did you mean for the first few chapters to show up only as thanks? Or does the prologue jump straight into part three?

I refuse to read past the prologue until I figure this out, because I do so hate to ruin a good story...and this looks quite promising.

Hey, I just finished the story right now. I loved it! I guess I just really like the Vamp stories or something. I liked it how Johnny and K.T. became more mortal in their thoughts after the whole ideal. I'm always glad to hear of a vamp that continues on his old path and doesn't let the Beast control his emotions or his ideals. I've always believed that you could retain your humanity, and your story shows that. Great job

Hey, just wanted to say that I've enjoyed your story so far and am looking forward to the rest of this series. I've always enjoyed a good Vampire story, and reading this story really makes me wanna play Vamp again. It's been such a long while...anyway, enough of my musing. Just thought that's I'd give my appreciation to a you for a well-written story with a good plot and characters. Well, I gotta get back to my reading; talk 2 ya later

...i hate u...u cant quit now...i wont allow it...never...not like this...need...more...johnny...need...more...katanas...please continue...please?

All right, kick ass story. I enjoyed it highly. However, the fight scenes needed work. They were descriptive and relatively believable, but they really didn't do anything for me. They just seemed more like a description of actions rather than something that happened.

From what I've read so far, this is very well put together. It lacks a lot of the descriptions along the lines of "soandso was a standard Brujah thug" that some people seem to think is explanation enough. I'll read the rest of this later, but I'm going to go ahead and give you my congradulations on a work well done.

Well-written. Kept me coming back hoping for more chapters. Thank you for sharing it.

You will write serious stories again. Or I will make Yashida's life a living hell all through the Downfall series. It's not like I haven't planned on doing that yet as it is, but really, it sounded like a good threat...

So much to review. This chapter by far exceeds the expectations of the last chapter. Nearly every scene is good, and the problems that I have are miniscule. The first scene is great. Handling the viewpoints and attitudes of the two main characters as they meet each other for the first time in this text is a difficult task. You handled it beautifully, giving the sense of Johnny's impatience as well as his nonchalance in the face of an unpredictable situation. Blending with his forced smiles, however, is KT's uncertain morality that is developing. His anger is the perfect way for a mercenary Gangrel to cope. The connection between the two of them is only increased in this scene. I've already stated my problems with Brett's character, but at least you give a slight reason for his actions. However, the conversation is necessary if you're looking to have him mature as a leader. I do not believe that Johnny would have most of the conversation in front of Uiko (and Mason?). Your demonstration of Roi leading the siege for a reason is very good in the third scene. Fourth scene- once again, Brett's denseness astounds me. Scene five- good way of showing Johnny's manipulation abilities and Brett's lack of them, very nice. Scene 6, good fight, about what I would expect of the Telemon. If Barb's behavior isn't right for a Caitiff, then who is she? I hope that leads somewhere. The fight between KT and Erica is quite important, but does it parallel Johnny's problems with Brett. And am I overanalyzing...?

This story is proceeding quite well, and you now must finish it, or Mike and I will hunt you down and force you to write more. Yes, I wrote much in this review, but I think that if anyone reads it, then they must have read the rest of them.

Just realized why I haven't reviewed this earlier. There are so many little issues through this chapter that I really just don't like, and a short review like this won't cover them. I think Brett's character is in disagreement with what the Telemon would send out as a leader. I don't like Johnny's strip club scene in order to get one small scrap of information.

The best part of this chapter is your way of getting KT and Johnny together. It's brilliant in its simplicity and its attention to the parallel and the overall aim of the story (there's a reason why Hassan and Philip have been central characters). It operates on several levels within the story, physically bringing the two main characters together, while animating Hassan's hopes for a code in the mercenary, and paralleling the characters to the point where it will seem impossible for them to fight each other, even though they are on opposite sides. And, yes, I know that that was a run-on sentence.

Also, as a short note, having KT get tired of his mental issues at the end was a good idea, because it was really beginning to irritate me as well.

In conclusion, we'll need a hard copy, and a 6 pack to fix this section, but its redeeming feature is just too good to debate.

This chapter is nearly perfect. I can't really come up with anything against it, other than the normal stylistic issues that I always have a problem with. The primogen meeting is a truly spectacular array of character types, plot manipulations, and well thought barbs. Stupid Toreador. The fight scene with the old Gangrel is good. However, the best thing about the story is the continuing drama between Johnny and KT. Your use of foreshadowing is much better now than in the San Fran stories (although I like the characters of the San Fran stories better). Johnny thinking of who could challenge him from the other side in the first chapter, and then KT's "if only I had someone to talk to" in this chapter. It's forming into a great conflict, and I only see the plotlines becoming more intriguing.

The story is good so far, but I really would like to see more description of character actions toward each other. What gestures are they making as they talk? What expressions are written on their faces, and more importantly, what expressions are they trying very hard to hide? How do these gestures and expressions reveal the thoughts and motivations of the character to the other characters and to the readers themselves?

In the first scene, I would like to see a description of where Johnny is meeting this "great leader" of the militaristic Telemon? I don't picture them sitting at a run down kitchen table or, with the attitude of Siras, as he is portrayed, sitting at a relaxed setting. I think that you could give a better idea of the history of Siras by revealing the place he has chosen for this business meeting.

However, if you institute any of these changes that I talk of, most likely your story will become incredibly long...

Now, I really can't say anything bad about the plot, I'm really looking forward to what happens with the obvious conflict between the longtime friends, KT and Johnny. I really want to see how they handle being on the opposite side. And I also want another beer. However, I've just run out.

The idea really is quite good, and your plot development really is extraordinary. I really want to see the tactics of the Telemon in dealing with Sabbat sieges. So far, I think that you've done well in anticipating how the Sabbat would handle this siege. Damage Control is perfect in name and deed. Well, I'm quite tired, so I will continue this after reading the next installment some other night. Good stuff.

Richard- Athro Fianna Ahroun

Inever realized it before, and I've only been Beta readsing this thing for about seven months. This is an excellent example of dual point of view and shifting perceptions. The plot is sound, the grammar is near perfect(I'm not going to rake this over just to find an out of place letter), and the shifting between K.T. and Johnny is well done. Now as long as you finish the story, I'll be completely content...

Well, I don't know what more to say. I already read and critiqued this four times. Anyway, it still looks as good as the last time I read it. So, keep it up, and try to finish the story. The King of unfinished projects so commands you to complete this story...