Ah yes, the fanfic of suffering.

Eww a Pokemon fanfiction with it being dark and edgy? I guess you must be one of those emos who cuts himself all the time. Why does this even need to be Pokemon? Pokemon is supposed to be happy and fanily friendly not a teenage boys emo phase wet dream. Disgusting.

The whole time, SHE was Emperor's daughter. They have reach a new home so can start over after went through all that shit but now they just got kick out city. well that was escalated really fast

owo what's this? TWO Fractured Elements references in the same chapter? I feel spoilt :3

Well, nothing is simple where these three are concerned. I can't say I'm surprised that things went horribly wrong for them in the end, but I liked how that moment of collapse was built up to with the incremental factors of things being not quite right: the city's not as nice as it first seemed, but it's still a city; all those tents of refugees, but at least we have a hone now; we'll have to serve two years guard duty, but after that we'll be free... oh, yes, everything we hoped for has collapsed. :P

Obviously Alice revealing that she's the Emperor's daughter was supposed to be a big moment. I certainly have no complaints with the writing at this point. But... I didn't really feel the full wave of emotion I think you wanted. The problem is that I wasn't sure what was so bad about Alice's being the Emperor's daughter. I have a feeling this was laid out in a previous chapter, but... well, the story has become so heavy with characters and different sides at this point (and the long time between chapters doesn't help) that I just can't remember.

I wonder what'll happen to our heroic team now. This city had been built up for a long time, so I'll be disappointed if they really are shoved out just as quickly. Plus, they have nowhere else to go it seems. Although if they HAD been allowed to quietly live out their lives, I guess there wouldn't be much of a story. I suppose I just hope that their fate isn't as soul-destroying as most of what they've been through so far.

Guess that's all. Ha det så lenge!

Welp it was fun while it lasted... I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, I guess it’s back to the drawing board for the gang...good chapter btw

Hi, so I thought I'd give this PMD story a gander. I don't really have much to say about the actual story yet except that it follows good plot beats. It's intriguing enough with Flame's amnesia, how he even got there to begin with, and all the unrest that's going on with the 'Scum' in this world and how the trio will end up combating it. It'll be exciting to see more of how the three bounce off of each other and how Flame will get himself out of the pickle he's in.

While I like where it's going so far and am interested to read more, my main complaint is how this chapter is paced and how long it is compared to what actually happens in it. Even though it's well-written, the prose can be wordy in places, which contributes to the feeling of the chapter being longer than it ought to be. The part where Flame wakes up sticks out in this regard since it takes about 40 paragraphs (2k words) for Flame to get his freezing behind to Alice and Gaius' fire, and it spends a really long time getting into his internal monologue to the point that it starts to feel like overkill. I like that his amnesia leaves him terrified rather than simply surprised like a lot of other PMD protagonists with amnesia tend to be, but after a certain point, the thoughts end up looping back to the same topics and it lingers on too long on the minutiae of his body language and his actions.

Going into the wordy prose more, it also has the effect of over-explaining what the protagonist is going through, which can make it seem like it's telling the reader how to feel rather than letting that feeling be inferred through the actions of the characters or their dialogue. This example leapt out to me since it calls back to something previously covered not too long ago in the same chapter and stretches out more of that internal monologue for such a simple interaction.

'The Dragonair had opened her mouth to speak, when it looked like a new thought had crossed her mind. “You know, I forgot to introduce myself. My name's Alice, and yours is …?” she inquired.

He tensed at the question. Not that he wasn't expecting it, after all it was a perfectly reasonable request to make of him. He'd just hoped he wouldn't have to hear it.

Claws began fiddling nervously against each other as his brain scrambled for an answer. What was he supposed to tell her? That he had no name, that he'd just magically appeared in that world for no reason at all? Would they think that he was some sort of wacko? After all, who in their right mind wouldn't know even the most basic information about themselves?

So many questions, but the answers are so few... he thought grimly, forcing the rising frustration back inside. Snapping back into reality, he couldn't help but notice that Alice was still staring at him blankly, waiting for an answer. In all likelihood, she was forcing herself to look patient, while internally puzzled as to why he was taking so long to answer such a trivial question.

He began thinking of something he could say to maneuver around the awkward explanation, but every lie he could come up with turned out to be so easy to see through, he might as well have told her that nothing was wrong and he'd just been taking a stroll. No, he couldn't afford to lie. For whatever reason, the Dragonair seemed to trust him enough not to beat the answers out of him, and at the very least he owed it to her to be truthful.

With a dejected sigh, he spilled the beans. “I don't have one.”'

This also ties into what I said earlier about the character's thoughts feeling a bit redundant. It's in character for him to be nervous and quake at such a question, but I also feel like this whole section could've been shortened and it would've achieved the same effect. The stuff about him appearing in the world and not knowing his name was established earlier, so I think that could've been condensed a bit. This is only a suggestion and I don't want to tell you how to write your story, but I would've gone with something like this:

'He tensed at the question, fiddling with his claws as he tried to find something to say. There was no easy answer for that, especially after that episode he had before he came here. How would anyone believe that he didn't know something so basic about himself? Alice was staring blankly at him, waiting for a response. Oh no, she had that look in her eyes, like she was forcing herself to be patient. Could he have lied? No, Alice would've trusted him to tell the truth. At least, he hoped so.

'With a dejected sigh, he spilled the beans. "I don't have one."'

Okay, I think I rambled on about it for quite a while, so I'll stop. I don't think it breaks the story and in places, it does reinforce the oppressive tone of the world so far. You're probably already aware of this from previous reviews on FFN and I don't think it's something you need to go back to revise. But anyway, I liked this chapter and I'll be looking forward to reading more.

My god, this chapter had me on my toes. I legit got nervous the moment Flame wanted to execute his plan. It was written very well.

Also, at first I thought that the two (Alice and Gaius) were Zoroark pretending to be them to trick Flame to come with them. Would've been cool to see how that would've turned out when they had managed to get him.

Overall, a very fun chapter to read. I apologize for the lack of reviews from me, but I don't really... do them all that often.

It's so wonderful to see another chapter from you!

This chapter spanned the gamut from tense to heartwarming. The same could be said of Flame's relationship with Gaius, who still doesn't quite seem to trust Flame, but he seems to be slowly coming around. Flame's relationship with Alice is as heartwarming as ever, and it's touching to see how it's progressing. It's good to see the team back together.

Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Rebirth / Chapter 25 % Speedrun done in 2 days and 12 hours. Keep up the great work.

I remember seeing this chapter on my notifications since it came out. However, a huge spike of bullshit arose on that day, and its still on going. A another side note, been burnt out from fanfictions for a few months lately. Hard to even read others fanfictions these days. Though, probably another reason I rarely read anymore is because I love music and my house is loud 24/7 these days.

Well anyways, hows the chapter? Well-

Overall, while not up there with Apex, Diagnosis, and Gloria, I very much enjoy the more light hearted tone of this chapter. After doom and gloom surrounded me, this was the chapter I really needed. Just a chapter where Flames hangs out with his friends while handling only a minimal amount of stress of what's to come next in the future.

Probably the highlight of this chapter was the discussion of Portal storm by Flame and Alice with growing concern about the fact that the portal storms are occurring daily rather than yearly. The scene only grows stronger the more it goes on, as Flame and Alice.

Also, I almost forgot, but at the start, I recall Flame getting renamed, am I correct? Is that even brought up again? Because, Alice and Gaius just revert back to calling him Flame again.

Another thing that honesty surprised me was the fact that Team Phalanx completely shook the Empire and Scum from their tails on this chapter. And to top it off, they reached their dream location as well that they were trying desperately to reach for the past several chapters. Yeah, both gave me quite the shock. Ain't anything terrible though, like I said, it'sjust incredibly fun watching Team Phalanx just being together. They're characters are so dynamic that it just makes every conversation memorable.

That'll be all for today. It's late here. Cheers and Congrats on writing twenty-five chapters for this story, along with this story being over five years old. That's some dedication there and you should feel really proud of yourselve for making it this far.

The Gang’s all here and what’s that? Stuff is going their way for once? UNHEARD OF! Happy to see this posted loving this story my dude!

aaaaaaaaaaa
the band is back together and they're all made of cute
Flame, call your dad
great chapter :3

I hope you're doing ok, seeing as your country was hit hard :(
I reread this for the first time in a few years, and I was happy to see a few more chapters.
I feel sorry for these three and look forward to more in the future.
It'll be interesting to see how Dusknoir will get out of this situation, and how Sycorax/Dragonite will deal with the Teutonii.
Also big wet hug, I love all three of them
Your account details say the next chapter is ready to be posted, and I hope to see it soon if you're able to, if not I hope you're doing ok.
3

Review of Chapters XIII - XXIV

Gud storie plz update

…

But no seriously. This story is addicting. Plz update soon. :D

I’m not sure what my thoughts on the Boreal Chasm mini-arc of the story are yet. On one hand, it’s typical of the world that Team Phalanx lives in to throw them into a dungeon like that and leave them for dead, and it’s very obvious how important this was for Gaius’ character arc, so that he gradually stops being an asshole and doesn’t murder Flame off-screen or something. But on the other hand, while this is ultimately beneficial for Gaius’ state of mind, it’s meaningless torture for Alice and Flame, especially as dragged out as it was. I’m not sure I see the point, other than ‘break Gaius down enough to the point where Flame has to save his life’. I could maaaaybe see it being a way of just having them hit rock bottom, but how much further are they going to go? They’re already destitute. They dig in the trash for food. They basically screwed over their future teammate just to get a mission reward. And now they’re about to freeze to death in a mystery dungeon they were forced into because a hundred rabid pokemon chased them there. It feels like the universe needs to just throw them a bone at that point. The entire ordeal really should have ended for them with that escape orb, not with them all collapsing in a dungeon to die and *then* being saved.

It may be temporary, but I do not mourn Ariel losing control of Task Force Aegis in the least. Pokemon were starving in the streets under her rule and she had a hot bath and almost *four hundred* slaves. She was horrible at that job and does not deserve it at all. The only question left to be seen is if Sycorax’s actions after declaring martial law will ultimately pan out to be worse.

Speaking of Sycorax; I wonder where it stands on this, though. On one hand, it’s a ‘diplomatic unit’, which makes it an ambassador and clearly from the other side. (‘Diplomatic’ Unit is rather ironic; considering it’s a war general.) On the other hand, it seems genuinely as confused about the portal storms as everyone else in Aesernia is, even going so far as to theorize in front of Ariel. Unless it’s some type of method actor (Which; being some form of sentient A.I. I doubt), then I think it was programmed to (A) know only as much as the pokemon of Aesernia know about the war, and (B) follow all orders from the Presence indiscriminately. But it’s not privy to any of the Presence’ intentions. Which makes me wonder which way it’s going to swing if/when it figures out what is going on. I’m *kind* of leaning towards it swinging over to the Presence’ side since it hasn’t shown any emotional attachment to the pokemon of Aesernia (Or emotions in general), and will likely follow its programming over that. Unless someone mucks with its programming…

I don’t think I’m ever going to get why Team Phalanx hates Virgo and Yvaine so much. Again; there don’t seem to be any reasons besides ‘Flame doesn’t like Virgo and Gaius hates everyone equally’. Even when they were working for Sycorax I doubt they had the first idea of what Sycorax’s intentions were. Especially given Yvaine doesn’t sell Flame out despite having ample reason/time to do so. Virgo is somewhat annoying and that’s pretty much where the reasons to hate them end.

Interesting that the first Eevee Evolution that showed up in your fic was a Teutonii leafeon, and the next one that shows up is a Teutonii Flareon. And then the next one that shows up is a Teutonii Jolteon. And so on… I wonder if all nine will show up in the Teutonii at some point?

Flareon Cameo 2/9

The Teutonii are interesting. IDK if they’re being completely on the level with Flame, though. I wonder who the original ‘Daedalus’ was.

Jolteon Cameo 3/9

IDK if I trust Brynn yet. It just seems so obvious that she’s in love with his status and not Flame himself… And if she *is* infatuated with him, it still has something to do with his status. I have no doubt that she’s plot-important, though, if only to serve as Daedalus’ way of getting Flame back later. It doesn’t seem like a love triangle, since Flame never even considered having a relationship with Brynn in the first place, so it would just be Brynn stalking Flame and probably ticking both him and Alice off if it ever happened. Also, first Gen VI-plus ‘mon! :D I do wonder if that female charmeleon is going to come back, though. It seemed like such a weird thing to throw in there if it wasn’t important, so I’m very very sure that ‘The Brother’ is due to come back at some point. Unless Flame is like possessing his body or something? But that doesn’t really seem to fit the tone this story has going for it and the other charmeleon would have recognized him for sure.

Vaporeon Cameo 4/9

Daedalus speaks about a villainous ‘Presence’ that is encroaching upon the world. Several things don’t add up. There seem to be points where he is literally contradicting himself and then blaming Flame’s confusion on his amnesia. For instance, he mentions that ‘both of them came to this world’, suggesting that they came from the same place that The Presence did. But later, he says: “Whether we were born into captivity or prevelated as kits by the enemies imperial collaberators, ultimately, it doesn’t matter.” Therefore suggesting that they were born in whatever world Aesernia is located in. (He then later changes this once again, stating that their captivity later took place in the *other* world, meaning Aesernia couldn’t have had anything to do with it.) Later, when Sycorax steps in in Chapter XXIV, it pokes some more holes in Daedalus’ story. It reveals that Daedalus is a ‘traitor’ who broke off due to what I’m guessing is an internal schism of some sort within the Presence. Daedalus previously claimed next to no knowledge of the Presence and its positioning inside Aesernia. I am very sure he is hiding something from Flame, if only for the fact that Flame might abandon them completely if he gets the feeling they’re not as innocent as he currently believes. (He does this anyway.) Furthermore, his name; Daedalus, means ‘the craftsman’, and Icarus, his son, tried to escape confinement using ‘artificial wings’ and drowned. Which makes me wonder if Daedalus has some more stake in this than he’s admitting. He may have even worked for the Presence at one point, and just doesn’t want to tell Flame yet.

I think Daedalus provided enough clues to hazard a pretty good guess toward what ‘the Presence’ are, though. My theory is that they are Humans.

Something that interested me about the Presence is how everything associated with them has a common theme of technology – their ‘gift’ to Aesernia is a glorified robot. In chapter III, Flame dreams about bombs falling. Daedalus claims that The Presence torched an entire continent by ‘raining fire’ from ‘their steel ravens’. Military aircraft and bombs. Torched either to win over Aesernia’s allegiance or because they wouldn’t submit as easily as Aesernia did; presumably. Portal Storms only started appearing around the time that the Presence shows up, as Daedalus claims and Emperor Adrian kindly all-but-confirms for us in his meeting with Deoxys. Where do things sucked into Portal Storms go? No-one knows- presumably why it’s called a ‘Portal Storm’. Daedalus mentions a ‘Gateway’ in chapter XXI that he and Flame both use at the same time – the Portal Storms presumably work as a conduit.

Tie this to the fact that they live on an island they have fenced off to all but incoming supply vessels. The fact that they need supplies. The fact that they are using their cunning to dupe Aesernia, but their technology to destroy to Teutonii lands— suggesting that there are no supernatural powers at their disposal, only artificial ones. All the legendary beasts *shown* in this story have been technological/extraterrestrial, like Genesect and Deoxys. Meanwhile, all the legendaries used in swears or sayings still amount to ‘Arceus/Mew’, implying that they’re a different group entirely. Their end motives – enslaving the world’s pokemon – have a scary resemblance to what humans have done in actual history upon finding foreign groups of people.

With all that in mind, my current theory is this: At some point, humans invented the Gateway, which allowed them to cross over into other dimensions. The other side of the Gateway manifests as a Portal Storm (Or perhaps the Portal Storm manifests as a repercussion of the Gateway’s use); written off as a new natural phenomenon. Their discovery: An entire primitive world of elemental creatures, ripe for the picking! Greed overtakes them. How can these creatures be used to better the human cause? There’s only one problem: entering the Pokemon World means obeying its laws, and humans can’t enter without forfeiting the human form (or perhaps dying if they don’t assume a pokemon form; although that’s just baseless speculation on my part). So the humans work with it. They make tweaks to the Gateway, which allows them to enter as the most powerful versions of pokemon possible. And then they begin their conversion/enslavement process upon the pokemon of the pokemon world. Aesernia is malleable and bends to their will easily; The Teutonii do not. Fearful for the loss of their potential new line of resources, the humans decide to eradicate them all. Pokemon powers are not up to the job, so they bring in human artillery, bomb the entire continent, and keep Aesernia in blissful ignorance. This causes a schism, comprised of the people who later become Daedalus and Flame VS the rest of the people in charge. Both Flame and Daedalus – for reasons currently unknown – are both major pieces on the humans’ side of the board. Unauthorized, they both use the Gateway to enter the pokemon world, but because of their abnormality it does not work for them like it worked for all the others— Daedalus suffers minor memory loss, and Flame suffers major memory scrambling. Although both of them presumably possess something that the humans can use in their favor, Daedalus knows enough to spurn them and is discarded as ‘worthless. The hunt narrows its gaze to Flame. Soon after the torching of Camp Tempest Flame’s identity is brought to the human’s attention, and Sycorax is assigned to retrieve him. The plan almost works, but to no avail— Daedalus gets ahold of Flame first. The next five or so chapters are spent as a mind game: If Flame is the winning piece on the board, then whoever makes him submit to their propaganda first wins. This comprises the entirety of the conflict in chapter XIV. Neither do. Flame runs off with Gaius and Alice, thus becoming the board’s rogue piece. Now, both sides’ winning prospects are up in the air, and a dual mon-hunt on a mass-scale is about to ensue.

I don’t think it’s weird that Flame can understand the language of Aesernia— Daedalus mentioned a ‘major linguistic change’— which likely means that either they’ve adopted the human language, or changed their language enough that the humans can understand/adapt it. Neither Alice nor Gaius are forty years old; I think, so they would definitely have been born in the ‘new age’, as well as basically all of Camp Tempest and probably everyone who’s a major character in this story. Even Ariel seems like she’s on the lower side of thirty. What seems odd to me is that the Teutonii speak german; another human language. There’s been an explanation for Latin, but not one for German being in there and that interests me. Especially since the German that you’re using – what looks like the Modern Dialect – is far, *far* newer than Latin is. Which leads me to believe that this is another Presence-imported language, but then the Teutonii must have ticked off the Presence if they were eradicated like that? Seems odd they would keep the language, unless it had already been engrained in them by this point. But then you have to wonder what got them wiped out in the first place…

Alice always was a bit formal, so I can believe that she’s royalty. What I’m wondering is why she was thrown out of Urbe. Initially, I assumed from a few things that she said that she was an illegitimate child and therefore couldn’t ascend to the throne, so she was removed from the capital to preserve order (And presumably, keep her life). But then that comment on dragonair being able to fly was brought up, and Gaius saying that it was basically real. I could see this just being ignorance all around, but at the same time Alice seemed less like she was trying to convince someone that dragonair didn’t fly and more like she genuinely believed it. Which means that either she’s convinced herself that dragonair don’t fly and is probably a bit crazy as a result, or there’s another reason she was booted from Urbe. (I don’t think she was illegitimate either, because all her siblings are dragonair too and she is illegitimate, then so are they; I would think.)

Sycorax mentioned to Ariel back in chapter IX that female pokemon aren’t usually allowed to ascend into the army/political system all that much, so now I wonder: Was this the reason for Alice’s booting? When that scyther seems to recognize her she mentions in prose that it was about ten years back, so that means she may very well have been the eldest— and therefore the child that would ascend to the throne bar any male heirs (Which; at the time, there probably weren’t). Aesernia couldn’t bear the thought of there being an Empress/A false Emperor, so to save Alice Adiran had her shipped out of Urbe and all the way to Task Force Aegis instead. Then Demetrius was thought of, and obviously he’s being groomed to be the next Emperor, which might explain why he’s being treated differently than all his sisters. It probably isn’t because he’s shiny, otherwise he likely might have met the same fate Alice did.

…Is it because he’s male?

Side note: I’ve noticed that names in this story usually mean something. Sycorax refers to a character in a Shakespeare play, who performed magic so strong she could allegedly control the moon. General Sycorax in this story is a marvel of engineering bestowed upon Aesernia; so strong and alien no-one really knows what it’s capable of. Phalanx is a military position. Team Phalanx has a heavy – if unwanted – involvement with the Aesernian military. ‘Gaius’ is latin for ‘finding pleasure/meaning in something’. Gaius’ character arc seems to be finding meaning in life where to him, there previously was none. Alice means ‘of nobility’. Alice in this story is unquestionably of nobility. Daedalus was the roman idol of crafts. Daedalus in this story is building the Teutonii back up from sticks and stones, all under the emperor’s nose. Flame’s alter ego – Icarus – is the son of Daedalus, who tried to escape imprisonment using artificial wings, but failed. Flame – presumably – tried to escape his captors using the Gateway, but something went wrong for him and he essentially got mindwiped. Demetrius is derived from ‘Demeter’, which means ‘Pledged to Demeter/Earth’. I wonder what his involvement in the story will be. Emperor Adrian seems to rely on him for a lot of the economic aspects of things.

So, some general thoughts:

Something I’ve appreciated very much about this story ever since I started reading it is that you have the ability to toe the line between Dark and Edge, but never really cross too far into either. There’s a fair amount of both, and instead of clashing they work together to build a dark but also realistic world for your story; contrasted with the bright, most-of-the-time perky characters you have. And indeed; it’s your characters that make PMD: Rebirth work. It’s why you can have several chapters of Team Phalanx laying low in a glorified refugee camp and not have your story get boring. Why readers don’t get bored, even though it takes roughly twelve chapters to get the plot moving. Why, after the Battle of Camp Tempest the falling action isn’t boring to read. Why you can get away with so much darkness in the first place. You’ve accomplished something that most writers never really do with all their writing: making readers love your characters. Instead of things like Team Phalanx’s initial jaunt through a Mystery Dungeon in Chapter III, things I’m probably going to remember from this story are rare scenes where Team Phalanx gets to be themselves and goof off, or the imposing and ruthless nature of General Sycorax. And even though the story seems to be in the middle of another ‘calm period’ right now, I doubt you’ll be losing readers anytime soon.

Overall, Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Rebirth is a surprisingly dark and mythic take on the PMD universe. Instead of using the canon PMD lore it opts to take on real-world parallels, and creates a world in which pokemon are suffering from many of the things that affected real people in the past (And still do today and in the future). Its characters immediately grip readers and pull them into a mystery that spans entire cities, continents, and perhaps even entire dimensions, all while providing A slickly-written read that both entertains, saddens, enlightens, uplifts, and horrifies readers at the same time, as well as making them think as they rifle through its many, many layers; should they care to search that deep. Although a slow burn and likely to remain that way, PMD: Rebirth possesses the necessary tools to keep people reading, and likely will all the way through the end.

Until Chapter XXV!

~SparklingEspeon

Listening to: Road to Chicago - Thomas Newman

Congratulations on another great chapter!

I liked how you showed just how much pain that Flame's plan to flee the Teutonii was causing him at the beginning of the chapter. I'd be feeling pretty awful about doing such a thing myself if I were in his place.

It was great to see Team Phalanx reunited. I laughed when Alice called Gaius a leafhead (I'm a terrible person). And that ending was absolutely heartwarming.

Again, a great chapter!