Someone quoted Cortana at the end:)

I’ll use this place as a summary of what I thought of your book!

What could be improved:
-No character motives! What are we trying to achieve? There are many events happening during this story, but they don’t seem to tie together. This could be fixed by giving Lunar a goal and finding a primary antagonist (there is no primary antagonist in this book). This is what you should focus on in the future.
-Forgotten side-characters: Widow, Sparx, Spyro, Ember, and Flame all need just a bit more development. A little sub-plot focus could help here.
-Grammar and Coherence: Frequent typos and sentences a little longer than they should be. It’s not reflective of your writing abilities, but it does help us read. This just takes practice.

What is AWESOME:
-THE DIALOGUE- I told you earlier, you are a dialogue man. And that shows in this piece. Each character has a unique voice that you practically begin to memorize in your head.
-Cool side-characters- Venus, Mercury, and the Guardians each have their own cool personalities, even if they aren’t seen that much. Venus is defiant, Mercury is proud. And they seem to have layers to them and additional stories that you can only imagine.
-Lunar- Yes, he is OP. Yet we’re still invested in his story because of his interesting design.
SAH AND NEF CHAPTERS! Yes, yes, and yes. You saw what I wrote on your bonus chapters. These are all fantastically written, and I really can’t say anything about improving what you have here except that there could be MORE. Consider expanding on this dynamic here of having two sets of twins. I just can’t get enough of this Yae-Sae-Mio-Mayu set-up. And there’s collaboration and friendship and all that good stuff!
-Your improvement in general- It just got better and better. Your writing started to take on layers, and I could tell that you were enjoying yourself. You’ve some skill, man!

In summary, you know how to nail a character’s personality and craft some darn good relationships, but you need to work on the creation of the story world and the goal of the main character. The great thing about your writing, though, is that you know how to introduce a concept in the beginning and then close it off amazingly in the end!

Good job, Lunar! I can’t tell you what a pleasure it’s been reading this, and I’m looking forward to moving on to some of your other works (and leave some reviews on that sequel if I have time). BEST TO YOU!
-Avi

Ooh, I REALLY like how you tied up the issue in the first part with the dragons who assailed Cynder! That’s awesome how you returned to it and showed how Cynder is no longer alone in the world. And just by comparing these two scenes, I can see how much you’ve improved! There’s so much flavor to it. The fight is Cynder’s, but Lunar is invested in it as well because he’s interested in her. Very, very nice.

Wait, wait, wait. So Flame just runs up and hits Lunar hard on the head? That’s kind of mean. And then he tries to butt into their relationship? Is Flame serving as some kind of “love facilitator?”

“Count [the armor] as a gift from me and Pho.” Finally, a bit of appreciation! :D

There’s a major battle? Wow, this is really unexpected. The humans were only introduced about five chapters ago, and it seems as if they are already a reckonable force. I’m not sure how this battle fits in with the rest of the story.

HOWEVER, I do love how you have this awesome climax during the battle with Lunar having to face Elprup for one final, fateful decision. When he makes that decision, though, things go crazy.

The passage with the fight scene of Lunar vs. Cynder is quite complicated, especially with the addition of Xenos and what I’m assuming is Spyro in Lunar’s body.

The ending is very cool, though! I do like how Cynder is prepared to follow Lunar, and Lunar is prepared to walk alone. It’s a fantastic culmination for their relationship in THIS book and a good hint for what we’ll see in the next.

So now they need to find the rest of the crystal that contains Venus’s supposed soul. Interesting! Though it seems that Venus herself has a tongue on her. She’s pretty sassy to Lunar even though he’s her son and has just saved her. That shows some independence and defiance on her part, which I think makes her all the more appealing as a character. This is a nice touch.

FS: “Please put that away before my retinas explode.” I’m sorry, I HAD to put this down! It’s just so funny to me for some reason, and it seems SO Volteer! Volteer is quite a bit more than a dragon who just spouts synonyms all day, and I think this statement really captures who he is. Anyway, enough of that.

Human nature “banded behind a strong leader and followed in his path like a sheep.” “Humans are sheep” is a common theme in fiction today, and in some ways, it’s abused. Humans get bad rap. Yet I would imagine that most sentient creatures have this structure of omega-alpha with their own innate drive to survive. Now, it’s interesting that this version of events is coming from a dragon’s lips, since that might be interpreted as biased. Anyway, this is just an observation—there’s nothing good or bad about it.

So the question still stands, what’s the leader’s motive for the crystal-sucking? Or is he just a wacko lunatic that everyone else follows just because he’s a leader?

“You’re almost as bad as Spyro!” Yeah, Spyro! Does Cynder even care about him anymore? Or was he just pushed out of the way for Lunar to step in? Spyro is the pillar of the LoS franchise. I haven’t spoken about this until now, at the very end of your first book, but for you to make Spyro disappear is a significant decision. I feel like Spyro’s death needs to be covered a little more than the occasional joke about how he’s dead and the fatass jibes (Sparx still has to comment about Spyro’s weight even though he’s been disintegrated?)

So yeah, there are still many aspects to be explored, many relationships to be tied up. I look forward to seeing how you do that in the next chapter!

This first section seems like a continuation of that sweet little scene from before, except with Lunar this time. Very nice. I can’t say no to more of scenes like this.

And then we get to Flame for the first time in quite a while. It seems as if both dragons are on one another’s levels now, and they are quite open to small talk. This contrasts quite a bit with the last time we saw him, when there was still quite a bit of tension between the two (even if it wasn’t expressed openly). I thought that Lunar still held a grudge against him after the event with the village.
The dialogue would be fantastic if we knew that Flame and Lunar were friends. Maybe if you included a reconciliation scene somewhere along the way, earlier on?

And we return to the unnamed creatures! I’m still very curious about these guys. There’s so much unsaid. I realize they’re antagonists, but I don’t know if they’re the primary antagonist. Is there even a primary antagonist? I’m also curious as to what these creatures want. What would they like to achieve now that the Dark Master is dead? Immortality? Riches? Requited love?
These are good questions to be asking at this point. It means you’ve left a lot of room for depth in your story. But it also means that you have to satisfy that depth by elaborating in future chapters. I believe you can do that!

Good, good, good, seems like Flame and Lunar are helping each other now in their battles. I always like to see when two enemies gradually become good friends (even though I did say I would have liked to have seen a reconciliation scene). I think the pair work well together.

Mercury has bad memories of Widow? And he wants to have revenge for what she’s “done?” This reminds me oddly of Lunar’s beef with Flame (who, by the way, seems to have disappeared for a while). Perhaps this is a case of like father, like son? More parellelisms! Anyway, I had doubts about Widow when you first introduced her, but she’s growing on me. She seems untrustworthy with all the lying and deception she’s done.

Sol’s like Sparx? I could see that, maybe. However, she hasn’t struck me as half as goofy as Sparx up until this point. I guess it was just a comparison. Speaking of which, what’s happened to our favorite dragonfly friend?

And also on the subject of Sol, she seems pretty quick to point out this “courtship” thing with Lunar and Cynder. However, I’m kind of confused as to when the other characters could have seen them spending time together alone. I mean, yeah, they’ve been in close proximity for the entirety of your book so far, but have they really had that many precious moments? I can count one, and that was in an isolated cave. The good thing is, you’ve given this relationship time. The only thing is, they haven’t really interacted as much as they could have.

FS: PARALELLISM! Okay, I need to stop saying that word. But it’s done really well at the end of this chapter. At the beginning, it was Lunar who saved Cynder and brought her back to the hospital. In this chapter, it was Cynder who refused aid so that the hospital would have more resources for Lunar. I find this turnaround very quaint and perfect for one of the last chapters.

Also, what happened to Venus is pretty frightening. It’s kind of Dementor’s Kiss-esque. Then again, I find that a state of being an empty shell is worse than death.

I enjoyed this chapter very much! There’s not a lot of action, but there is a lot of close character interaction that I think we’ve needed for a while.

This chapter is really epic! Once again, I just really like your Sah and Nef bits, probably the best out of all of them! They just have so much character, so much “I help you, you help me.”

Lunar is overpowered. I said that before. BUT! I don’t think he’s OP at all in these chapters. Why not? Not because he loses to Sol or because he’s still learning, but because OTHER PEOPLE CAN DO WHAT HE DOES, and they use their abilities for cooperation. This is an important part of making a super-powerful character relatable—make sure that in context, they have competitors and/or friends who are worthy of them. This is done superbly in this chapter, as opposed to other chapters where it’s just Lunar exploding in a ray of light and killing everything around him. You can’t beat the “Showing you the true power of the night sky” with Lun and Nef.

What’s up with this Taut? Is he important? Of course, it’s a bonus chapter, so it’s understandably not part of the main plot, but I’m still curious. Or is it that he’s just another regular general?

Anyway, fantastic job on this short! You’ve a real talent for these scenes.

I like this chapter! Normally, it gets a bit complicated when you involve humans (I’m assuming that’s what they are), but this is good. You have a strong and unrelatable force that’s working against our main characters, and there really is a good bit of conflict in this chapter.

Venus really is receiving a good beating, and so is Cynder! I love how you manage to pull off the tension here by making a great deal of danger for these two dragonesses. There’s a goal in mind: rescue Venus. And there are threats that put this goal into jeopardy.

The other part that works really well in this chapter is the internal conflict section with Lunar. Given that you already have the great deal of tension going on with his mother and his friend, this point was perfect for even MORE tension between Lunar and… well, himself.

You’re making progress! I see a lot of good things happening here. Of course, we have yet to see very much from Lunar’s relationship to Cynder, but I’m sure we’ll see more.

Awwkkkwward at the beginning! That was definitely a good amount of awkward. Awkward is your friend. And you certainly used it correctly.

“The name of Malefor?” I didn’t know they were using Malefor as a name for an oath! XD

Widow seems to be a perpetual annoyance to Lunar for some reason, and I don’t even know what she’s done. Maybe it’s her incompetence? Maybe it’s the way she seems to meddle and bring people that Lunar doesn’t want into the equation? Either way, I think it’s good that you’re getting some of that tension in there with Lunar being made uncomfortable by Widow.

Sol just vaporized something or someone? Wow, that might have been important! Way to go, Sol! XD

What’s up with that scene with Widow? That’s so unexpected. You only just introduced Widow as a minor character, and it seems as if she actually has a major role. So how does it connect? I’m intrigued, and I hope you elaborate in future chapters.

On the subject of intrigued, there’s the “creatures.” I have no image for what they are, only that they are more terrible than any of the creatures of the Dragon Realms. So what could they possibly be? Whelp, let’s find out!

FS (already?): “She’s [Cynder’s] the reason I’m not killing you [Mercury] at the moment.” Cynder’s acting as a pacifier for Lunar, then? That’s interesting. But what’s even more interesting is that Mercury and Lunar’s relationships don’t seem to be the best. There’s just so much background hidden behind this quote!
Wow, that’s some burning anger towards this Widow woman! And what an unfortunate name to begin with! Anyway, I find this little exchange between Elprup and the smaller voice very captivating, actually. I’ll always welcome a well-written internal conflict. And this one is certainly well-written. Elprup seems more and more threatening.
Also, it’s really good that Cynder and Lunar get some alone time, since they are the main characters and they don’t seem to have spoken very much apart from matters of business in the past chapters. That said, it would be cool to see some more personal exchanges (e.g. sharing of past, opinions, Cynder’s feeling about SPYRO who is completely forgotten at this point).

But good work so far!

Jesus Christ again with the Cynder!

You really are one to talk about dragon genetics. Personally, I find genetics fascinating. But in the dragon world, it’s even more of an enigma, because you have to decide what kind of technology these dragons have. Should they even know about dragon genetics? I mean, was there ever a dragon Mendel who discovered the existence of alleles, and did some other dragon then theorize genes? I don’t know.

Also, PTSD. If you have to have the parentheses explaining what it is…. I don’t know again. It’s just that a dragon world needs to have a dragon culture, and all these real world rules and laws and facts are creeping into the telling of the story. Be careful of this in the future.

You’re doing well. The writing isn’t dulling down. I'm very much enjoying myself, which is an excellent feat to itself!

But here’s the general picture at this point. Relationships haven’t changed very much. And as I said earlier in Chapter10, dynamic relationships. You need change, man! What’s happening with Lunar and Cynder? How do they feel about each other? What about Lunar and Flame? What about Lunar and Sol? What about Cynder and everybody else? You have to consider all of these (yes, I know it’s difficult) when crafting a captivating piece, and it seems like we’re just getting event after event. You HAVE the structure down. Now we need the garnish. (Excuse my poor cooking analogy.)

“Jesus, he keeps too many of them.” –Cyril. Wait, the dragons know about the Bible? XD I mean, I don’t much about it myself, but the fact that he said Jesus is kind of weird. Then again, there are a lot of times when our world creeps into the Dragon Realms. That’s inevitable. Still, just wanted to point it out.

Interesting take on the armor! That’s so weird that Lunar is actually wearing Spyro’s armor now. It’s kind of as if this Moon dragon has taken over the aspects of Cynder’s life that Spyro used to fill. Ah, here’s me getting all literary again.

FS: “Her [Cynder’s] eyes decided to play tricks on her by making the person underneath the headplate turn into Spyro.” Cool! This is an awesome parallelism. Ahhh, you and parallelisms!

“If only they had Spyro to help them in their time of need.” Well, they do have Spyro. In the form of Lunar. That’s what I assume, anyway.

Hyrn, huh? He’s very cryptic. And Wyldfire? So he changed his name to Blaze because he was scared or something? I’m not sure about that. Seems like this plot is just getting more and more complicated. Here’s a good piece of general advice for any of your long stories. Make sure the common goal is always remembered. At this point. I don’t really know what Lunar’s trying to achieve. It just seems like we’ve been seeing a bunch of mismatched events. In the future, I’d try to keep a constant threat and a constant drive to achieve something.

“She’s fine, Blaze, she recovered faster than me.” Recovered from what?

You know what? You really impressed me on this little bit! There’s so much personality and taste that went into each character here. And it’s only a bonus! Let me expand on what you really did well here, since I feel like I’ve unintentionally stuck enough stakes through your chest through the past few chapters.

Firstly, there’s the parallelism. Parellelism! Nope. AWESOME parallelism! You have Sah and Nef, and then you have Lunar and Sol. Each pair had a calm one and an angry one. Each pair experienced their own problems in trying to draw out their innate abilities.

This reminds me (if you don’t mind me bringing another story in) of the characters in Fatal Frame: You have the old pair: Yae and Sae. Yae’s the young and innocent one who’s the stronger of the pair and can run away from danger. That means Sae gets left behind a lot and ends up bitter for that reason. In her death, Sae becomes a dangerous and angry spirit. This parallelism is re-lived in the new-age twins, Mio and Mayu. Mio carries Yae’s strong spirit, and Mayu carries Sae’s bitter and unfortunate personality. But you don’t know if they’ll live to be the same as their old-age counterparts.

Now, I didn’t bring this example up to say that each of the LoL characters in this chapter has a Fatal Frame equivalent (because that would be rude of me and also very untrue) but merely to compare the two stories. You have a new-age in Sol and Lunar and an old-age in Sah and Nef, and this works well because it creates this awesome sense of destiny and cycling of nature.

And in the long run, do you know what really made this chapter work for me? THERE’S ANGST! THERE’S CONFLICT! There’s that amazing sense of, “Oh no she DIDN’T!” And in the end, that’s what really makes for a good story. Troubles that don’t seem like they’ll be overcome easily. A destiny of evil and failure that seems almost impossible to avoid but where the key word is ALMOST. That there’s a tiny hole of hope.

In the end, it’s about dynamic relationships. Connections are changing, and that’s what makes interesting writing.

Wow, I got into a majorly positive rant. But yes. In my opinion, this kind of chapter is what you need. It’s on the edge and everything. Praise, praise, praise!

The Chronicler Card! I’m looking forward to seeing how you deal with the Chronicler actually being Ignitus. Come to think of it, you said that Ignitus was the one who always pointed out Sah and Nef. So as the Chronicler, he can still take on that role! Fascinating!

Ooh, I like that idea! FS!
FS: “That was the sound of the ancient dragons that turned to dark, that noise was the sound of them all roaring.” This statement feels very fairy-tale esque to me, and I am a sucker for fairy tales and fables! The idea of this Well of Souls kind of deal sounds functional to me both in that it provides an obvious threat and it’s an unknown yet familiar element.

Fight scene time again! This one is going to be a lot shorter and sweeter. You’ve got some cool moves! The Cynder vs. Sol fight is captivating, I’ll give you that. It’s hard to write a fight scene as good as this one. But do you know what would make it even more captivating? Stakes! There ought to be some win-lose scenario here. People love it when characters have something to lose.

That said, this was my favorite chapter so far! You’re progressing nicely, and even though these couple weeks of writing, I can see that you have improved. Not everyone can say that of themselves!

Flame has no memory? He thinks they’re just buddies? So I’m wondering if Flame is genuinely ignorant or if he’s pulling all their legs. He could have been corrupted himself, or it all could have been an illusion. I’m truly interested.

Also, why does Cyril feel the need to call all the characters in for some weird training session when there’s an issue at hand? There’s no threat that requires them to fight.

Let’s talk about the fight scene. There’s something you did really well but something else that needs to be addressed.

On one hand, Lunar is overpowered. I’ll just say it bluntly. The point is, it’s difficult to identify with a character as powerful as Lunar when there’s not much build-up for that kind of explosive attack. When it comes to the voices in his head and his fighting style, Lunar feels less like a replacement for Spyro and more like Spyro himself in a different skin.
(That said, Lunar’s backstory is unique. I’ll give you that.)

On the other hand, there were some obvious changes that happen through the fight scene. The key to any fictional fight is that there’s a change. There has to be some kind of transition, and you provided that to us through Lunar’s shift towards the end. Now, the other characters are going to be suspicious. You’ve left room for character growth, and that’s fantastic.