The story content itself was alright, but, you really need to practice paragraphing and spacing. I found it very hard to read and I kept on losing track of who was saying what due to the lack of spaces and indication of who was saying the respective dialogue.

Also, having everything as one whole, solid, block of text is very annoying to the readers as they'll have a hard time keeping track of where they were, especially if they were to look away for a second. It would be nearly impossible to find where they left off.

Overall though, the idea and content was great, but please do practice spacing out the sentences and splitting them into paragraphs, otherwise, people will be pushed away from reading it. Just some constructive criticism.

-TacticX