John says, "Sigh..."
I say, "You should fix it up a bit...I mean, like-"
John interrupts, "Needs more than just a fixing."
I say, "Shut up John. You should look it over and fix your grammar (we're is supposed to be were), fix your capitalizations (at the start you put 'he glared and then...' It's supposed to be 'He glared and then...etc.'), and-"
John interrupts (again), "Are there any queers in the building tonight? Put them up against the wall."
I say, "Against the wall?"
John continues, "THAT ONE RIGHT THERE! He don't look right to me, put him up against the wall."
I say, "Against the wall... No... John, go away."
John says, "Fag."
I continue (god my review is weird), "As I was saying, when one person stops speaking and another one starts up, your supposed to start a new paragraph. For example:
Right here...

"Bella, how does your head feel?" Edward was standing at the edge of the bed.

"Fine." Edward took me out of the room blah, blah, blah...

You get it right? And when you say "The Next Day" you need to put something to separate it from the other time... (Put it in bold perhaps? Italics? Underlined? That kind of crap.)

Also, it looks like you were missing some of the story, or maybe you just didn't elaborate or something. It got kind of confusing so I'd tinker around with it a bit before writing the next part. git me girl? GOOD...

-mkmkmk (a.k.a. yur bud)
(P. S. You should make your chapters longer and more interesting, like put some sparkles and crud.)