Artemis

Thalia

[Chuckling]

Son of the void...Sounds like a pretty big title

I thought this was interesting until the fate/prophecy bullshit that is used by shit authors

Okay, I'm gonna split this review into three bits. The good, the bad, and what needs the most work. This review's gonna be quite a bit harsher than normal so bear with me.

The Good: This looks like its gonna kick the plot forward quite a bit. The main plot is starting to be kicked forward at this point and it seems tensions are high. There was a good amount of buildup towards the next part of the plot, which I'm guessing for here will be some kind of journey or training montage or something with the Hunters of Artemis I guess.

Kronos has also made a guest cameo appearance, which is a sure sign that things are going to get pretty interesting over the next few chapters. The shift in time as he began speaking was really cool, and I could feel the sheer levels of awkwardness as Nero was still calling out whilst time resumed too. It looks like you've got a lot of interesting ideas that you want to let out.

The bad: Your theology and timeline of events is all over the place. It needs to be focused or have more research done to make it really feel believable and compelling. There's a few other nitpicks I've got so I'll just say the specific examples that I can think of now:

What the heck is 'Kronos' doing here anyway? How is he even still around and sealed? And WHY THE HECK DOES EVERYBODY BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE SAID HE SPOKE TO KRONOS?! THE HECK?! I mean, the bigger question everybody would be having is "if Percy beat him, then why can he still reform? Must mean Percy did a shoddy job of utterly destroying his essence huh..." That phrase about Percy being the only one to win against him isn't even entirely accurate. Technically Rachel Elizabeth Dare fought him and won too. And on that, Luke Castellan has also faced Kronos and won before. If you think about it, Percy's victory didn't mean jack.

And why does it seem like Percy is buddy buddy with Poseidon? Yeah, they get along, but I'm not sure if Percy would have met Poseidon in years at this point. They're nearly never shown hanging out or going on missions together because Poseidon is still a god and they're pretty darn neglectful of their children, even the ones they like. I think in the whole franchise, spin offs included, Percy has met Poseidon face to face like... three times? That's it.

You guy, fix your theologies at least within this fandom! Traditional demons actually do appear in many many MANY religions, and that's not even including the third of the Abrahamic religions. But I think the real clincher is that Kane Chronicles mentions that these things aren't monsters, they're legitimate demons, and they attack just about anybody. And some of the gods and goddesses seem to operate like demons too, posessing people and altering their appearance, complete with inhabiting their bodies as wisps of black smoke and everything, a little like in Supernatural.
But why is it only the Chinese gods who joined up with demons? Hmmm...

What needs the most work: Your protagonist is the crippling weakness in this story. The short version is that he's a Gary Stu. He now seems boring to me despite having enough ingredients to make an interesting character. The long version is down below:

Dude, we get it. As far as Nero is concerned, there is only one capital G God, that is cool. But it doesn't really seem uplifting or interesting when he's constantly shouting it out not just to people who don't care or want to listen, but even to people who do understand like 'Kronos'. Like, most Percy Jackson stories don't even claim he DOESN'T exist or isn't real. Kane Chronicles explicitly states that Moses was stronger than most of the Egyptian Magicians from his day. The fact that Nero is getting so touched by this and YELLING at people who are still thousands of times stronger and wiser than him... well, it just doesn't click in my head. He just sounds annoying and I await the day somebody blasts him to pieces. Even if it's temporary, those should not be thoughts the audience holds for somebody who's supposed to be a likable main character.

Wow... people are quite quick to accept this kid who they've basically just met as some kind of chosen one. All he needs is a lightning bolt scar and glasses and he would be Harry Potter...

Please be seriously cautious with pairing Artemis with the main character. I mean, it's more a mother child relationship I get but even THAT should take some time and development. Remember that Orion had to struggle for YEARS before he got Artemis to even like him a little. Show some time with the development. At the very least, regardless of what kind of background Nero has, let's not forget that Artemis is THOUSANDS of years old. She would definitely be very badly shaken to see that he was abused so much by a woman in his youth, but this would likely be nothing to somebody who has seen thousands of years of pain and anguish. Yes, she should feel extreme amounts of sympathy, it's a horrible past for anybody to go through. But I find it difficult to see Artemis breaking into tears as well. Wait... why the heck does she read memories by kissing people's foreheads? Apollo claimed that he could just look at people and read their minds. Artemis probably wouldn't be that good at it, but it wouldn't really need that much physical contact. Hmm...

Anyway, you see what I'm getting at? This is the same problem that I was talking about on like Chapter two. Nero is a Gary Stu! Everybody who opposes him is shed in a negative light. Everybody who agrees with him is some kind of beacon of justice. Everybody is either unrealistically accepting of him, or so stupidly evil at him alone its like watching Oliver Twist done badly. You just CANNOT make a main character like this because I disconnect with him and what he's going through. I thought it was cool that he had ties to the Abrahamic theologies as well as the Greek ones. A lot of theologies crossed over a lot back in the day. But because of his overwhelming Gary Stuness, I just want to hit him every time this teenager starts talking about about theologies like he knows something. Considering how far into this you were when I found this story, this is probably not gonna change any time soon so I'm gonna bleed every time he appears on print. But you at least know to be careful the next time you create a protagonist, or any character really. Someone doesn't have to be strong or weak to be a Gary Stu after all. It's just how you write them.

I did say that this would be harsher than normal, but these are roughly my thoughts on this right now. The main verdict is that while it's pretty well written, it loses its entertainment value when the lead character is this annoying Gary Stu character, because in order to have a Gary Stu, everybody else within the universe has to allow it as well, so one Gary Stu drags down the rest of the cast with it, and the story loses whatever made it entertaining in the first place.

Well, it has been a while! I might as well review this now while I can, so here goes nothing!

... This was awkward. Artemis... wanting a child of her own? I mean, doesn't she specifically dislike, if not even fear the mere thought of bearing a child of her own? I can't remember the exact mythos but it's got something to do with how she was born or Apollo was born practically scarring her. Plus, you know, super feminist goddess here. Plus, the thought of her wanting a peaceful eternity with Orion... well, the myths are scattered, that is true, but whilst writing Percy Jackson it must be aknowledged that, at least in Riordan's universe, this is simply untrue. According to the Heroes of Olympus series, she enjoyed his company and trusted his companionship as he was the only male hunter EVER, but it was HIM who fell in love with HER, and his excessive desire only made things complicated. They were never truly married and she was very much against it the whole time and likely DIDN'T want to have a peaceful eternity considering her nature as a goddess of hunting and stuff. Did she love Orion? I dunno, maybe? Seemed like she might have eventually, but you can't claim that she wanted to chill and have a kid of her own and sit down. The thought would repulse here.

And that's ignoring the overprotectiveness of Nero! Well, I guess if the line of thinking is that she wants to raise a child and Nero is seen as that then it's fine... Meh, what do I know?

Thalia seemed a little OOC here, particularly at the start. I don't remember Thalia really holding the same "boys suck" view as the rest of the Hunters, so it's a little bit strange. Especially seeing as she later reveals she always wanted to be married at the end (which admittedly is a strange wish to see from Thalia). They juxtapose, they shouldn't be views that can be shared in one person in the same chapter, or at least make it more clear if she's masking that desire behind a tough girl who - needs - boys attitude.
It's nice to see some Annabeth and Thalia conversation and even bonding. Annabeth and Thalia were incredibly close considering all they went through together with Luke and Grover, there really should be more interaction in the fandom, so this chapter was welcome (even if their conversation topic was the morbid prospect of Armageddon!)
Hmm... All of those pairings are rather difficult workarounds. I'm not sure how comfy I am about Nero with the Queen of misandrist herself, Artemis. Plus, gods don't mess around with their oaths. Well... They DO, but not in Artemis' case. She's already traumatised by the struggle her mother went through during childbirth alone, and just genuinely doesn't like men, so that's strange. Thalia perhaps, she's really awesome (despite getting made pretty irrelevant after her first book) but she's also got a nasty curse. But you know, power of love and friendship and all that malarkey I guess. Maybe she would just lose her immortality and revert to her actual age? (Whatever that will be). An OC is your best bet, and gives room for really interesting unique characters.

I really liked Nero's whole speech about being claimed and what it all means. Like really, it sounds like they're just chucked around like property most of the time. It's really pretty horrible, even Percy was bitter about the whole thing, and he actually LIKES Poseidon (sort of, most of the time). I can empathise with his whole resentment with the issue. It was well written too, switching between his thoughts and what was going on around him in the outside world. Oh and I'm wondering something about Nero. Is the inspiration behind him Raiden from Metal Gear Solid or Nero from Devil May Cry? Both of them seem to have some heavy duty hidden demonic power, Nero with his devil trigger, and Raiden with his other Persona, Jack the Ripper. Only things I had a problem with here:
1) What? Chiron was apologetic if Nero's punishment? Sure he'd be amused, but don't forget that Chiron and Dionysus are rather close friends, he can't just be cool with that! He should be much more defensive of Mr D, even though he is a serious jerk!
2) Oh yeah, I forgot to mention this last time! Isn't Dionysus's alcohol prohibition still in effect? Unless it was removed after the Heroes of Olympus or something.
3) Melodramatic much? "YOU'RE NOT SAYING YOUR GOODBYES!" It sounded so cheesy in my head, maybe thanks to the all caps, I couldn't help but laugh out loud instead of be sad and stuff.
That fight with the Ares girl. Okay yeah, you can out box them with a bit of skill and power if you know what you're doing, and Nero is one scary dude when he gets mad, but don't forget that Ares kids also have their own power up where they become invincible, the blessings of Ares, that's equally as scary if used by somebody halfway competent. Yeah, she deserved to be scared, but I somehow doubt she would have calmed down that much just from that. Odds are she would just get more pumped for a fight until Chiron comes, even if she is outclassed. That, and everybody going gaga over him after going full demon mode. He's hot, that much is clear, but after speaking in a full on demon Legion voice and going super Saiyan? I don't think so. ESPECIALLY the Ares kid blushing.

He PUNCHED Dionysus?! Oh man, Nero has set himself up for a whole world of trouble! Getting gods ad your enemy is never a good idea! Anyway, I really lived that whole action packed sequence, that was really intense! Nicely done, and I can also see his insecurity and mistrust of anybody who isn't family. Though he does come off as a bit of a momma's boy to me, single mothers (especially ones who have gone through a lot with their kids like an early pregnancy) tend to be much closer with their kids. I'm a little bit surprised at the camper's hostility to Nero's faith, as I'd assume that camp is full of people from all sorts of backgrounds, faiths and denominations. It provides him with a strong wall to fight against but it would also be good to see how other surrounding characters have been able to cope with, integrate, or reject their old teachings. I wonder how you'll go about it in future chapters? I'm looking forward to seeing! For all the praise though, I must defend Dionysus a bit for his horrible actions.

I must be the only person on this fandom that really likes Dionysus so this must be strange, but I'm not sure about whether he would act that harsh to Nero. He's a jerk, yes, a monumental one, but he does seem to genuinely care about the campers and people, even if he's got a problem with the whole hero system. While he would scoff at Nero's beliefs, odds are he wouldn't feel too interested in tearing them down like that. I also doubt he'd resort to knocking Nero around like that considering the strict "don't hurt the puny humans" rule they have going on. Rather, he'd probably just make Nero go insane for like an hour or two to shut him up. At least, that's the power he leans towards when interacting with Percy, and TECHNICALLY he's not hurting anybody so no rules broken! Would have been really cool to see Nero resisting the god of madness's control! Oh yeah, and I thought the "eat whatever you like" rule where your food refills itself only applied to drinks? Like blue diet cola. The food itself is normally healthy stuff like cheese and fruits and breads (and meat cause meat is good!) and wouldn't refill, so no infinite food miracles, just infinite drinks (though I bet that's fuelled by a magic source somewhere, probably a very grudging Dionysus since if he can make diet cola, he can probably make other drinks.)

Nice story m8.
Btw do you listen to Pendulum? Just guessing by the profile pic.

I know I'm like, really late, and I don't know anything. But it would be amazing if you paired him with Rachel or Lou Ellen.

Artemis is way too friendly with this kid, it's weird! And she looks older here, didn't she like have the appearance of a twelve year old or something originally? Ooh, and about Hell! So, Hell isn't a part of the Underworld, but actually a separate place? I always thought Hell was basically just another interpretation of Tartarus or something, like how in The Lightning Thief, Percy saw that priest in the Underworld (I swear that was the priest from Dante's Divine Comedy). Little headcannon aside, that was pretty tense, the Hunters were going to execute Nero on the spot after his little stand up demonstration!

Nyaha, snitch tactics on Nick and Stacey! Just had to say that. Anyway, TOTALLY AWESOME power overload fighting that demon! That was intense! I was getting Supernatural vibes off the demon, like the way it possesses people to fight. Wonder who the other demon is though, an actual succubus?...

Oh man, Artemis was going to dissolve him on the spot if it wasn't for them being stopped! Good to see our first glimpse of the gods now! Okay, long reviews take energy so I'm going to do this now so I won't have to worry about it for the next couple of chapters.
THE GOOD: It looks like I won't have to worry too much about characterisation, cause the people who have appeared so far have all been rock solid, whether recurring characters, or random guys we meet. It's good and I'm liking it! The writing is good with one or two grammar hiccups, but it's all good! I really liked the action sequence on the bike against the cops, and that whole encounter with the Hunters was a hilarious can of awkward! It's clear that this kid isn't normal, considering the way he's been brought up and lived, odds are his nature as descendant of the void has always been a double edged sword for him without him even realising it, and it's good he hasn't gone through everything like it's a breeze as a result. I've already said that the concept and story seem like they'll be good so I'll leave those alone here.
WHAT CAN BE IMPROVED: HIs uniform is weird. Especially if he goes to a Catholic school. I dunno, maybe I don't get how American schools work, but where I'm from, if a school has a uniform (which is most schools), it's really rare for them to look so casual or allow jeans. Heck, even a blazer is the norm!
Ah, found it. Gary Stu alert! Trash talks teachers with no consequences, frequently out runs human and demon cops, severely beats up everybody he fights with, finishes tests first despite starting last and the test being an English test despite having dyslexia, his name is Nero Seraphim, he's really tall (or I'm really short) and has red eyes. Not all of these mean he's a Gary Stu, but a lot of them are dangerous indicators, and he's shown quite a few Gary Stu tendencies already.