Awwwww. That was so cuuuutttee.

I found out of the vocal chapter reading feature now had and I did this: a drinking game. Every time the bot says Buttercup, take a sip. Every time the bot says Butch, take 2 sips. Every time the bot says any of Buttercup's sisters or Butch's brothers, take a swig of the bottle. Other than that, I like the story. Anyone here, comment BBD, if you did my little game. Just a hint: you will get a bit more than tipsy doing this!

Amazing! The description, the mood and the setting was perfect.
And of course, the kiss also ;)

wow...it amazing

Woo, cute! But, wow, who would have thought that he wasn't all rough like that with her? Of course, we all knew that, though... :')

I am sure you may have improved since this story, but I must say, your description is overwhelming. Unfortunately, it's difficult to follow your story because of this. When describing scenery, dialogue, action, or even characters, you must familiarize yourself with sentence formation.

A complete, coherent thought makes a sentence. The beginning sentence, "The lights were dull...," contains too much information. It makes it sound sloppy and crammed. Let me break down all the information this one sentence contains:

•The lights are dull
•They are flickering
•They belong to the Blue Moon bar
•Buttercup is present
•Buttercup's eyesight is troubled
•This may be because of the blinding lights or her drink

There are so many thoughts here that by separating them into their own sentences will make this story much more enjoyable to read. This story has too many run-on sentences. Remember that once you have a subject, verb, and direct object (subject and verb are fine but for authors, direct objects are considered a requirement), you may end your group of words with a period to make a sentence. If you want to bring your sentence to life, add an adverb or adjective, but keep it in modesty.

Dialog should come off to the reader as smooth and fluid. It shouldn't be a paragraph. For example, when describing an action, direction, character, or personality that leads up to any form of dialog (i.e conversation, inner conflict, external conflict) it should always remain brief. That will help to vary your story when you decide the reader should imagine a much more detailed setting, cause (remember cause and effect) or character.

You write: "'Butch.' She croaked out in a hoarse, irritated tone, his name slipping from her lips like venom from a snake's fang."
Try: "'Butch!' She croaked out in an irritated tone.
Hoarse and tasting like venom, his name slipped off her lips."

Once again, there's too much information and the description of the dialog comes across as a paragraph. Remember, dialog is not meant to be a sentence, it is mean to be an expressed thought the reader can hear rather than read. An example of this can be when you begin to shout, "Jerry! You're just..., It's just that I...,"

You may opt to write:
"'Butch!'
Croaking in a hoarse cry, Buttercup faced a familiar enemy. Her childhood villain matured into a man, yet she noticed all his juvenile features; to his perfect spiked hair, his towering figure, and signature clothing. Noticing how attractive green now looked on him, Buttercup felt the aftertaste of her cries. It was sour, poisonous-it was like venom."

Description paired with dialog should always be short, to the point, or separated into a paragraph. Here's some advice: read your stories out loud to yourself and see whether or not they sound fluid. Also, pay more attention to the use of punctuation (especially commas). Understand when to use a period, a comma, a semi-colon, and use this knowledge to improve.

If you ever need help, send a PM.

From
Sammy (Pretenders)

Dang...never imaged Butch Jojo could do that...it so cute! w

That was cool (I'm trying to avoid saying awesome)! Write again soon!

That was SOOO CUTE! I read all of your fanfics and they are great! I'm not sure how you do it, but don't stop.

THAT WAS AMAZING!

so cute! (›ω‹)

That was truly beautiful, there was so much emotion in that story, an absolutely amazing job

I must say, this is absutely the sweetest thing ever and it got me kinda shaken I mean, is this how drinking is like? Is this how it feels like? That's what they don't teach us in school but it's interesting alright! I love your writing style here and how you managed to wrap it up, some authors would just stretch it too far or end it too soon but you have some kinda balance and god I just realized I didn't see any miss spellings so how many times didn't you retread this and check it and edit and write and change and it must've taken forever since your a perfectionist but it is perfect but the energy and our saying and it's so well planned, this must've taken sleep, energy and time from you and if I wasn't so tired id write a linger reply sadly I'm not as poetic as will smiths son whose like " how can mirrors be real if out eyes aren't " which is like a what does he even mean but haha, this was really cute and your describing and writing has gotten so much better since the first chapter of TH and I see it clearly now you are an amazing author and the best soul Sister there is and if you don't agree then, agree to disagree xx

Awesome, can't wait for more!