I like the way this story is going. Very well laid out and has a lot of potential. If you'd be interested in writing among a group, a fan forum RPG has been created to continue on the story at .net

Maybe break it into paragraphs? Update soon? :)

Good, but space out the dialogue and paragraphs. It's hard to follow otherwise. BUT AWESOME OTHERWISE.

I want keep reading... Hope you upload soon!

I really like it... I definitely want to read some more!